I will not start from the beginning. Perhaps it is because I want to capture and write it down as it happens, so that I can have something to look back on and reminisce, when things fade, as they usually do.

So what strikes me particularly now, was when we first agreed to meet. Finally, he would say. But for me, it was a struggle and a risk. Would he like how I looked? If he didn't, then it would mean giving up our friendship and everything that I have come to enjoy with having an online buddy. He reassured me it wouldn't be the case, and that we could still remain in contact, but really I think we all know it just wouldn't be the same. So when it was time, I was a bundle of nervous energy.

He parked his car and texted me. I cannot remember how I felt as I walked to the agreed location and opened the car door. "I could hear my hear pounding with every step", or "my stomach was floating" would probably be suitable descriptions, but not accurate and hence my desire to write and record everything now, wrecking erity;)

The car door clicked open and it was dark, except for complicated lights around the dashboard that made it look like an air plane's cockpit, there was music playing. A particular genre and song I didn't have the sophistication to recognise. It was cold. The car was high and I, to be honest, clambered in in a less elegant way than I would have liked and sat there feeling very... nervous. I did take a glance at the man sitting in the driver's seat. And the first thought that came into my mind was, "He seems a little small doesn't he?" Indeed because of my long torso, I actually seemed to be the taller one. He was of course the right guy, he sent me his picture and there definitely was a resemblance. The thing though, was that somehow I couldn't look at him directly, my body was angled diagonally, but it was one of those times when your body/mind wouldn't seem to listen, and so I remained that way looking everywhere but directly at him.

Maybe he said 'Hullo', but knowing how I go suddenly quite deaf when nervous, I can't be sure. I remember what I said though, very very awkward. I know I began with a 'Hello' and a 'Well', this is me which sounds straight out of an awkward movie script. I distinctly remember touching my ponytail, which randomly brought me mind something I read while lovesick (something like 10 Ways To Tell If She Likes You), that girls preen themselves when interested in a guy.

I caught myself there and stopped, then immediately did an eye roll to myself - who was I kidding of course I was. He on the other hand was was looking at me straight on, with a rather silly grin. I guess I am being biased, after all the embarrassing things I've said about myself, so maybe it was a benevolent smile or an amused one - I doubt he remembers even if I were to ask. So anyway, he was sitting there looking at my side profile and thoughts started firing away in my head. God maybe this is a bad idea. I wish I wasn't here. So this is how it feels like to be inspected, etc weird thoughts like these. And all that in a fraction of a second.

He said polite things of course, like any gentleman would. And then we were making small talk and giving the polite obligatory laughs you would hear at the workplace. I remember he made a point and we laughed and as I turned my face away and felt his finger lightly touch my arm, as a gesture for emphasis. I wouldn't say it was unwelcomed, but it definitely made my senses on high alert.

He would say later on, laughing, that he remembers me scooted to the corner of the seat, clutching my handbag and coat to myself and not looking at him. Mimicking me, he put a stiff hand and says 'Hi' in the most weird way, which I think is very inaccurate because I have no recollection of my hand doing that. But you need two perspectives all the time and that's what I'll give.

After a while, it was time to go and I had to say 'Well, I'll go now'. I had to open the car door and jump out because of the height, my skirt and my heels, which tell you that I am not much of a lady. So after that embarrassment, it was negotiating my way across the tiles and into real life.

So this is honestly how it was for me. I can't give a nice summary of how I felt, because it was nice but awkward, pleasant but uncomfortable, and always a small voice in the back of your head reminding you of the underlying purpose of this meeting. Much as it is about "finally knowing how my buddy looks like" it is also an evaluation. On both sides of course. But then when you know that you've already had yourself won over not by his looks, it becomes frightening and nerve wrecking when you know you're really the only one being decided upon.

Sounds rather serious, I know, but that was how I felt at the point in time.