"So, um, Charlie, it looks like Little Chuck is ready for another round. Are you planning to fuck me? You can ya know?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, Vickie."
I tried not to show any emotion as I processed this rejection. I half expected it. He had to keep control of something. He was still a virgin. I was certain of that. It was something I'd teased him about. I was equally certain that he wasn't saving his virginity for a virgin girl. He was just telling me that his cherry would not be my trophy. He knew I had already targeted and taken one guy's virginity and I think this was a way he could earn back some of his self-respect. I had to respect that.
So I knew one thing we wouldn't be doing and I knew I wasn't going to let that cock leave the room in that hard condition. It appeared Charlie was leaving the next move up to me and I had a surprise for him. I'll bet you think you know what it is. But remember, I said that you and I both have dirty minds, but I also said that this wasn't a dirty story. The sex is important to the story, but it is not the story.
"I have a proposition, Charlie."
"Yes?"
"Yes. Before I ask you, I have to tell you where I'm coming from. I understand now that I've been abusing you."
"Vickie, I..."
"Please, Charlie. Wait. You were about to tell me that you may have over-reacted. Right?"
"Um, yes, something like that."
"Don't. It's a classic abuse victim reaction to a successful mollification. I'm taking that class this term and you might benefit from reading my textbook. Now as I was saying. I don't like thinking of myself as an abuser and, until you, I didn't have a history of ignoring people... friends who tell me that I'm hurting them. I'm young and I have some emotional growing to do and I've gained some experience that I need to learn from. I value your friendship and I understand that I don't deserve this yet, but I'm seeking forgiveness..."
"But you already had forgiveness, Vickie."
"Wait. I have to get this out. Thank you for forgiving me, but I'm seeking this forgiveness from myself. People who hold grudges are like cans that hold acid. The acid eventually destroys the can. Forgiving someone neutralizes the acid and prevents further damage to the can. You've forgiven your father, haven't you."
"Yes."
"And your mother for not protecting you from him."
"Yes."
"And now me. But you'll never forget what we did to you and you'll never be able to trust us again. We were like Lucy, but you're not like Charley Brown any more. Right? You've learned to walk away from the football. That's what abuse survivors learn, so please allow me to do what I need to do to forgive myself.
I guess you could say that I want to use you without abusing you. I have learned something very important about myself from you. Something that cost me very dearly and something I don't want to ever pay the price of learning again. On top of that, I believe that what I can still learn from you could be very beneficial to my future and I don't want to lose that because of the mistakes I've made in past. I think I have a way to make a new friendship worth your while."
I could tell he was intrigued. He sat back down in his chair and there we were, two ex-friends who loved each other sitting naked and discussing the possibility of a future together. Clearly, trying to have a close platonic friendship didn't work. Maybe it could now, but I knew that there would always be this trust issue between us.
I'd lost the ability to earn trust, but since it did seem that I could rent it, maybe I could buy it. That probably seems confusing, but bear with me. One of my big fears about having sex with Charlie earlier was because I didn't want to lose him like I'd lost every guy that I had ever had sex with. Charlie was the first to dump me before and the first who didn't make me feel used when he did.
I had rented trust, or maybe it's better to say that I guaranteed trustworthiness by laying a lot of money down. That had helped Charlie get past a very tough psychological barrier. I was now fairly certain that he would not fall in love with me or want to have a long term committed romantic relationship with me. We liked each other and we loved each other, but not like 'til death do us part love. I explained my thinking on all this to Charlie and he readily agreed. And because I told you earlier that I can read his emotions from his face, I can tell you that he genuinely agreed.
It had been about six weeks since the day I found myself set aside by Charlie and in that time, although I got off to a slow start, I had begun to lead an examined life. I questioned behavior that I once took for granted. It took an emotional smack down from an emotional abuse victim to make me realize that toying with another person can cause emotional pain for both of us. But somehow I had learned that toying with a man after being dumped by another was a way to get a satisfying emotional high.
When one man drove me down, I liked, wanted and maybe even needed to learn that I could still get the thrill of being wanted by a man. Not just any man, because any girl can go out and get the attention of some random stranger in some meet market like an arcade or a bar or even a campus library. But I needed to know that I was desired by a man I respected. That pretty much excluded every man except Charlie. The only thing missing was a way to buy acceptance when I went too far. That's what this whole Saturday Afternoon Delight was about.
"So here's what I propose. I will buy in advance an opportunity to toy with your affections in the future. That way you can feel comfortable with me and if I get dumped by some guy, I can come to you for comfort, talk with you about it, get the support you've provided me in the past and if I cross the line, you can call me on that and the obligation that I've bought in advance, to tolerate one failure from me, will be covered."
"So then we would be back to being what? Not friends?"
"Well, yeah, but what I'm hoping for is that you'll either sell me another opportunity right then or I'll get out my checkbook and schedule another one of these make-up sessions."
It was fun watching his face as he went through the implications of my proposal.
"So let's stop pussyfooting abound here. You're saying that if I agree to this new kind of friendship, this 'partnership', if you deliberately turn me on or tease me and I call you on it, you'll pay me something right then or we'll do this again?"
"Or we'll break-up with nobody owing anything, yes. This gives us a mutually acceptable way to keep seeing each other."
"Um, what do you have in mind as payment for a violation."
"Well, we both know I don't have money to burn, so I was thinking of paying you with a sexual experience."
"You mean like a blowjob?"
"Yes, or maybe something else if you prefer."
"And you're thinking of starting this now?"
"Yes, I want to buy a lot of forgiveness up front. I have something special to offer."
During all this time, Charlie's erection had gone away and it started to come back again when I said 'sexual experience'. But now I think he realized what I would offer, because his cock got harder quickly.
"I'm listening."
"It's something very precious to me, Charlie. Something I want to experience with the only guy I know who can learn how to give me pleasure by reading a naughty story from a magazine. Please accept my anal cherry as my security deposit on our new friendship."
I know that this transaction-based approach to sex might bother or even offend some of the romantics among you and I can sympathize with that. I'm all for romantic sex. I love it so much that I've had it with each of my six husbands since then. But sometimes, you have to accept what the situation dictates. You can have great sex with a man you respect by being a trader instead of a moon-eyed lovebird. Stick with me. You'll see.
"But I thought you were saving that for your future husband?"
"That was something I said half-jokingly, Charlie, but unless you fail to keep what we do secret, he'll be able to think I did save it. It's not like there's a hymen to break."
His cock was now rock hard and there was a big smile on his face. "Seriously, Vickie. Why me?"
"We read a story about a thousand kisses and I loved how that turned out, Charlie. We also read a different story together and I know you'll be careful and try not to hurt me. I trust you and I think trust is very important to the success of anal sex. And, if you don't mind the pun, I want a rock hard foundation for our new friendship. So how about it? Are you the man for this deal?"
"I'm that man, Vickie.