I was dead. Yet, with a look from her, I was reborn.
Lucinda.
There was a name that had near mystical properties for my ears; a word that could electrify every fibre of my being, or leave me a crumpled, sobbing mess.
Never had a thing or person in my years managed to elicit such a visceral, even animalistic reaction from me and if I were to be frank, I was more than a little perturbed by my infatuation with this girl. It smacked of desire and attachment, which meant weakness. In my world, weakness was the only sin and an unforgiveable treason at that; meaning that the mental defences I had built for myself would come crashing down and my entire life would be altered.
And yet, here I was: stealing glances at this girl like a sparrow would nibble feed from a basket. Half giddy with the visceral thrill of what I was doing, flushed with the sheer shame of it as well, I was a complete mess. For the first time in my life, there was options and choices, a sobering prospect.
With her shoulder length brown hair, always so glossy and luxurious; the generous and inviting mouth which gently promised such forbidden, carnal pleasures. Oftentimes I would find myself daydreaming during a lecture, wondering what it would feel like to press my lips against hers. I imagined the soft texture of her lips, with a gentle, darting kiss which would blossom into a deeper, hungrier embrace. Her hands would reach around my neck and pull me in closer; taking solace from me and returning it in equal measure.
Sometimes I would allow my mind to wander further, wondering with a sense of awe that bordered upon near religious dread, what her breast would feel like under her top. How soft it would be, so welcoming and inviting. My breath would catch itself, coming only in short ragged bursts, leaving my mouth to work wordlessly in disharmony with my brain as it processed such carnal delights.
Would her heart beat faster? Surely not as hastily as mines. I dreamed that my heart would pummel forever louder and faster in my chest, maintaining a menacing tempo to my desire, as if by beating all the louder it would somehow drown out the rising tide of illicit desire rising within the essence of my being.
When I closed my eyes and thought of these things, the world and its ills simply slid away. No more doubt or fear, no more worry or pain. In its place was that most coveted thing of all: oblivion.
A significant proportion of my life was spent as if in a dream, or more precisely a nightmare. I tried to avoid contact with people, not really understanding them or the various mechanics involved of social intercourse and general human interaction. Clumsy and awkward I simply cut my losses and so discouraged conversation with others. This was not borne of malice or arrogance, but rather; self-preservation.
Unfortunately, I found myself quickly heading for trouble as I had to contend with some of the meat heads from my class.
With a sly grin that only a bully’s right hand man could ever truly conjure, Lewis eyed me with open, amused contempt. With a malicious glint in his eye, he started the ball rolling.
“Hey Lover Boy!”
With this witticism duly uttered, he guffawed and looked around for approval from his cronies. With a weak, simpering smile, they acquiesced.
I stared blankly at him. Already I was bored.
“Hey uh, Tonster. I see you checking out that girl. Guess you want to get Loose in Dat?”
This new witticism seemed to have induced a near orgasmic state of rapture within my arch nemesis, Lewis. His eyes bulged, his veins popped and his entire frame was reduced to a quivering mass. My patience already exhausted I stepped past him.
As I walked onward, I could still hear his gales of cruel laughter echoing in my ears. With a tired shrug, I dismissed him from my thought as easily as drawing breath.
After walking for a period of time, stuck in a reverie of random thoughts swirling around in my mind, I realised that many of the meditation practises and techniques I typically employed to chase away such niggling problems were not working for me at present.
Fearing that this would escalate, I ducked for cover and respite into one of the vacant classrooms.
Closing my eyes, I slumped forward in a seat and proceeded to quietly doze, blissfully unaware of what was going on around me.
Maybe I was snoring, for that seems the most logical explanation as to how Lucinda had managed to quietly enter the room, stealthily stand guard at my side and watch me intently.
I had never been one for such odd and curious concepts such as “instinct” “gut feelings” and the like; but in this one instance I was proven wrong.