By Maximillian Excaliber
Chapter One "The Freak Show"
About two years ago, my ex-wife Judith took me to the cleaners in a divorce settlement. I was forced to sell our house so she could take her half of what I had worked hard for in the last twenty years.
While I was busy working, she occupied her time screwing every thing that had genitalia. I have to say this, slut she may have been but discriminating she was not. Man or woman, she didn't care as long as they got her off. Try to imagine my surprise, when I came home to find her in bed with a hermaphrodite! I guess she must have thought he/she/it was the best of both worlds.
And so, at the ripe old age of forty-eight, I found myself having to move into an apartment. By the way, my name is Reginald Stokes. I hate the name! It makes me sound like some millionaire's butler, so I have my friends call me Reggie.
Anyway, I quickly found out that the lease was too high and found myself having to take on a roommate. So I did what any desperate person would do, I took out an ad in the newspaper.
After two weeks I had just about given up on finding one, having interviewed the oddest assortment of “freakazoids” you will ever see.
Now, I feel that deserves some explanation. You see, the first person to answer my ad was six-foot, six-inches tall, weighed about three hundred pounds, was wearing a black evening gown, high-heeled shoes and black fishnet stockings. Normally I, size not withstanding, would have found the get-up quite attractive, except on him, it just did nothing for me. While I consider myself rather open-minded, I could tell this was not going to be the right roommate. It just seems bad form if you go into hysterics every time you see someone, after a while they might just take it personally.
Two Goths, four power drinkers and one wannabe gang-banger later, I was about to give up and was considering moving to the YMCA, when Lilith showed up. Lilith is thirty-eight years old, has short curly red hair, full “pouty” lips, long legs and a 38-26-36 figure that is to die for.
I think we both realized, as we exchanged stories, that we hit it off instantly. She told me she had been divorced for about three years and had decided six months ago to leave Baltimore and resettle to Atlanta. She really didn't like Atlanta, so she decided to move here to Columbus, Georgia. It seems she could not get far enough away from her ex-husband to suit her.
For those of you who don't know where it is, it’s right next to that tiny little town called Phoenix City, Alabama. The same one that Charlie Pride wrote a quasi-popular country song about, back in the seventies. Anyway, I digress.
Lilith told me right up front that she was just looking for a place to stay until she saved up enough money for an apartment of her own. I figured what the hell, at least it would give me a few more months before I had to move into the “Y.”
She moved in that weekend.
Chapter Two "The Real Doll"
The arrangement was that she would have the hide-a-bed couch, could use the large hall closet and would share the bathroom, which she had to go through my room to get to. We agreed that if she ever wanted to “entertain” a guest, I would sleep on the couch and she could have the bedroom that night. All she had to do was let me know before midnight.
I found out that she liked to party and drink socially but was not a drunk.
As will happen when two people live in such close quarters, there will come those unexpected and embarrassing moments when one will find the other in various states of undress. No matter how you plan or schedule, it's going to happen.
I never will forget the first time I walked in to find Lilith standing there in the living room drying her totally nude body with a towel. I quickly excused myself, backed out the door and then waited a half an hour before returning, all the while hoping that my erection would go down in time.
What can I say? I'm a male. It goes with the territory. It just seemed to me that those kind of accidents were happening a whole lot more. No, I wasn't trying to walk in on her, it just happened a lot. And boy, did she sure seem to have the worst luck at catching me coming out of the shower.
One of the things I like about Lilith is that she is a real straight shooter. Lilith will talk about anything with you. Religion, politics and yes, sex. And she is very candid. So, it was no surprise to me when one night she came home from clubbing early and wanted to talk.
She poured herself a glass of tea, looked up at me and said, “This clubbing thing is getting old Reggie. Every guy I meet is either an asshole, married or looks like he is about three doses away from finishing his treatment for the clap. If I don't get laid pretty soon, I am going to bust!”
“Why don't you get a Real Doll?” I said jokingly after a second. Okay, so call me naive for not realizing what was going on at the time.
She looked at me strangely for a second. Now that I think about it, I can't decide if she was looking for antlers growing out of my head or trying to figure out if I was the dumbest guy in the world.
But finally she said, “What's a Real Doll?”
“I was just kidding!” I said to her, now embarrassed I had mentioned it.
She wasn't about to let me off the hook though, because she said to me, “Oh, no you don't! You brought it up, out with it! What's a Real Doll?”
“It's a life-sized sex toy, I saw them on an episode of HBO's ‘Real Sex.’ They're pretty expensive, about six and a half grand,” I told her, while hoping that would appease her.
Oh, no! She had me on the hook now and knew it. So she started reeling me in, for the next thing she said was, “Why the hell would anyone pay over six thousand dollars for a blow up doll?”
“It's not a blow up doll. Their solid, made out of silicon, I think,” I said as I wondered why I hadn't just kept my big mouth shut.
Her mouth opened in surprise for a second and then said, “Show me!”
Well, five minutes later, there we were, in front of my computer on Real Doll's website, looking at the latest in silicon sex toys. I even found a site from which I could download the HBO episode featuring the male Real Doll. After she watched the three hot babes demo the thing, she said out loud, “I want one!”
“Won't that drain your bank account? It will take you months to save up for an apartment again. Besides, aren't you getting tired of living here with me? ” I asked her, not believing my ears.
Lilith didn't even hesitate as she said, “Of course not, I like you. The real question is, can you put up with me for a few more months?”
“Sure, but you are going to put him in the closet when you are done with him. Doll or not, I'm not touching a naked guy with a hard-on,” I said to her and we both laughed.
About three weeks later, at about 6:00 in the afternoon, “Studkins” as she called him arrived. I helped her uncrate him and we moved the empty crate to one of the storage containers the apartment complex rents.
