This story is one of the hardest I have ever written; not only is it a mixture of reality and fantasy, but it is also about a person in my life I don’t talk about much. When I was 17 I met a boy named Steve who at the time I thought was the love of my life, then realized couldn’t have been. Now here I sit 15 years later remarried and wondering if I had been right about what I thought Steve could be.
In order for this to make sense I have to give a little bit of back story. Steve was a spoiled rich kid who got away with everything and got everything he wanted, me included. After about a year of dating we got engaged and married within about six months. Everything we did had passion, from the sex to the fights. Because we were only 18, neither of us had the maturity to handle the relationship. We were playing house in a 3500 square foot colonial that his parents bought for us with no clue what we were supposed to be doing.
Because Steve’s family was loaded, there was no struggle to make it together. The accountant paid all the bills for us; we had a house manager to take care of all the maintenance and shopping, and we both had assistants to take care of our day to day lives. With everything handed to me, I valued Steve’s money more than his company, mostly because the money was there more than Steve was. It was too easy to go to bed alone while he hung out with his friends, living the life of a college freshman and forgetting he had a wife at home. Right before Christmas the year we turned 19, I got fed up and moved back in with my parents; leaving my allowance and assistant behind. The divorce went through fast enough, the house was owned by his parents in a trust and we had no kids. 6 weeks later I started the spring semester of my sophomore year in college as a divorcee.
One good thing happened during our short marriage, which brings the back story full circle to current times. My best friend, Gina had an adorable son. Jimmy, who is now taller than I am. Steve and I are his godparents. This past Saturday was our godson’s confirmation and celebration dinner. Even though Steve is his godfather, he hasn’t been around for any parties or milestones since the divorce, he always said because he didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable trying to mediate between us, but I think it was more about not wanting to face me. Anyway, I walked into the church for the service and saw Steve. My current husband, Rich was parking the truck and didn’t know Steve was there yet. I got weak in the knees and felt the butterflies start up. Steve was just as attractive, if not more so, than the last time I saw him about 5 years ago. He walked up and kissed my cheek, telling me how great I looked and asking how Rich was. I gave him the polite answer and hurried away.
Rich couldn’t stay for the celebration dinner which left Steve and I essentially alone surrounded by Gina’s family. We chatted over dinner, mostly about generic stuff; definitely avoiding our relationship or any we have had since the divorce. It was like a strained first date, the conversation went nowhere and we were held hostage by fear. After dinner was over, I started walking with Gina to her car, since she was going to drive me home. Steve said since it was out of her way and he lived out near me now he would drive me home. I reluctantly agreed; we could barely talk over dinner, what would we talk about in the next half hour on the drive home? Of course he pulled up in a brand-new black BMW X5, he always had nice cars to impress daddy’s clients. He opened my door like a gentleman, and closed it once I was settled.
The drive to my house was filled with Steve apologizing for being an ass when we were married and neglecting me. He kept telling me how sorry he was he let me go and he missed me. I mostly kept quiet; I didn’t know how to respond. I’ve been married to Rich for 6 years and we’ve been together for 12. Information like this from Steve would have been much better when we were married. Even though these apologies came too late to save the relationship, they began melting the anger and bitterness I carried in my heart. My resolve softened as I listened to Steve pour his heart out to me, he seemed genuinely sorry for being a stupid teenager and ignoring me.
When we pulled up to my house I thanked him quickly and rushed into the house to avoid the conversation continuing. I got a few texts later that night from Steve, but nothing as emotional as his apologies that evening. I heard nothing from him yesterday and assumed he took the hint and quietly snuck away to disappear again for another 4 years. I was wrong . . .
I woke this morning to the dog barking at the front door where a delivery man stood holding a large box for me. When I opened it, it was a beautiful arrangement of orchids, my favorite flower. The card was from Steve; he invited me to lunch and was sending a car and driver to pick me up at 11am. It was 10 already; I had to get ready quickly. Thankfully, Rich was at work today so I didn’t have to explain any of that. I still don’t know why I agreed to the lunch . . . I knew things wouldn’t end as neatly as I hoped they would.
The car arrived promptly at 11, just as it always did when he sent them for me. The drive took about 90 minutes and when we stopped, I was in front of the restaurant where Steve and I had our first date 15 years ago. Chuckling to myself, I went in to see the entire restaurant, which should have been quite busy with businessmen and trophy wives lunching, was empty; Steve had rented the entire restaurant for just the two of us. He of course looked even better than he did on Saturday, and my knees got weaker than they have been in years.
“Emily, you look stunning, as always.” Steve said, brushing the hair back and kissing my cheek. He started innocently enough, but I was smart enough to know it wouldn’t stay innocent.
“Thank you Steve, you look very nice as well.” I responded, trying to mask the quiver in my voice.
We sat to eat, and course after course of amazing food was brought to us. Steve knew all the “right” wines to order for the meal to taste even better. He talked about his parents and the business and how it was doing; I talked about finishing my Masters and work. He asked about Rich and how things were going. I knew he was looking for any crack in the relationship to exploit.
It was tough because with me just finishing grad school, the bills had gotten a little out of hand and we were just starting to get caught up. Everyone knows that when money is tight, there is a strain on the relationship; Steve picked up on the fact that Rich and I had been fighting more lately and used it to his advantage.
“Emily, if you need money you know I will help, right?”
“Steve, we are not having this conversation. I am not about to ask my ex-husband to help my current husband pay the bills.”
“Okay, Okay. Forget I offered. I didn’t mean to offend you; I just know that you shouldn’t have to worry about money.”
Lunch continued and my anger started melting with Steve making me laugh and remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Every time he laughed, his blue eyes sparkled and danced in the sunlight and I couldn’t help thinking about the good times we had.
My mind drifted back to the hot summer nights we spent laying on the deck of his boat in the channel watching the stars. He always knew that a clear starry night on the boat was my weakness. His hands brushed the hair to one side as he gently kissed the nape of my neck and sparks shot down to my toes. I quickly snapped back to reality and realized that Steve had just kissed my neck and those sparks I just felt weren’t in my memory.
“Steve, what the fuck are you doing?” I asked pulling away from him.
“Sorry Emily, I don’t know what came over me” He said, trying to cover his tracks.
I could feel my panties getting moist, I tried fighting it, but I knew there was no recovery; that spot on my neck was my number one weak spot, one kiss and I had no choice but to surrender.