Scarsdale, New York: Monday 24th September 2018

All of the compliments and praise from my boss’s boss now seemed a distant memory as I screwed up the courage to park my car and enter the lion’s den. Once a happy home, this evening I felt like a poor grunt entering Snipers' Alley. From the cars parked in the drive, I knew Sue and Francis were in there. And to me that could only mean one conclusion to all the thinking Sue had done about our marriage.

Taking the deepest of breaths, I left the comforting cocoon of my Audi’s cockpit and prepared myself for the worst. At least I knew Grace was likely there, one friendly face to support me.

“Hi, honey,” Sue called out as she heard the front door open. She sounded breezy and friendly. Had I misjudged things? I felt a small up-tick in my optimism levels, my gut ratcheting down to only twenty degrees over meltdown.

Peering into the kitchen, I saw Sue was by herself, no sign of Francis as she readied ingredients for cooking.

“Hi, baby,” I called from the kitchen door, Sue half-turning to face me, her smile telling me she was pleased to see me but nervous. That much was clear, and I guessed her earlier breezy greeting was partly a mask for her nerves.

“There you are,” she smiled. “I thought you’d be home earlier. I forgot you had that big call. How’d it go?”

“Really well, thanks. He was really pleased with the team and me. Said lots of nice things. It’s good for all of us. I think I should be able to swing a couple of promotions and good bonuses for everyone on the team.” I’m not sure Sue wanted to know all this tonight, but this was the kind of thing I’d normally share and I wanted to keep things normal.

“That’s brilliant. And, hey, don’t forget yourself when it comes to those bonuses. I know how selfless you can be, even if it is one of the things I love about you. And from the way Donovan’s been talking about Kate recently, I wouldn’t be surprised if we soon have half a wedding to pay for.”

“Yes dear,” I said with a comic tone of downtrodden resignation, my hopes secretly trending up another notch after Sue’s little comment about loving my selflessness.

“Oh, by the way, honey, can you take my car to the auto shop in the next couple of days? There’s a warning light that keeps flashing and I’m worried it’s going to break down. Francis kindly offered to follow me back tonight in case I needed help. Said he had a couple of scholarship things to talk to Grace about.”

“Oh, is Francis here?” I asked, with my thoroughly unconvincing feigned surprise.

The face Sue pulled showed she wasn’t buying it, but she chose not to say anything.

Just at that moment I heard the front door open and close, and looking out of the kitchen window I saw Francis heading to his car. It was strange that he’d not said hello or said goodbye to Sue. It raised a flag and a question in my over-tense brain.

“Does Francis know about this weekend?” I asked Sue, a look half-pained and half-borderline-pissed on my face.

Sue met my gaze with no retreat, but her tone was gentle and conciliatory. “He knows I was doing some thinking, and he knows we’re going to talk this evening. But that’s all he knows. Honey, I understand this is as hard for you as it is for me. But I promised you’d be the first to know my thoughts, and I meant it. Okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry. Like you say, this is hard for both of us,” my smile telling Sue I was sorry if I’d snapped at her.

After our initial preamble about bonuses, promotion and Sue’s car problems, I was keen to get to the main course. I was dying here, waiting to know what conclusions Sue had reached about how she wanted our marriage to move forward, now that Grace was confirmed as carrying my child.

I headed over to Sue and wrapped her in my arms. Wearing her flats, we were the same height and with my arms wrapped around her waist I pulled her close and felt the wonderful feeling of her arms encircling my neck. Our heads just inches apart, as close as we could get and still focus on each other’s faces. We smiled at each other, and I think it was only the memory of the weekend with Grace which gave me the confidence to kick off.

“Baby, it’s wonderful to have you back. But I’m dying here. Dying to know what you’ve been thinking and where you’ve got to.”

Sue’s face immediately showed tender love and sympathy for my plight. I knew she meant it kindly, but it had the opposite effect, ringing all kinds of alarm bells. If she’d not looked so kindly, but had teased or been rude to me, I’d have instantly known all was well. After all, a doctor only jokes around with someone who’s about to receive a clean bill of health.

“Let’s head upstairs, where we can have some privacy,” she declared as she led me by the hand. As we made the walk, I prayed that Sue wouldn’t somehow sense what Grace and I had been up to most of the weekend in our master bedroom.

Sue closed the door behind us and took the unusual step of locking the door, so we definitely wouldn’t be disturbed. We both lay on our sides on our normal side of the bed. Our heads were back just a few inches apart, and as I gazed at Sue’s face I took in every detail.

It’s funny how you can see but not see something you see every day for so many years. I guess it’s like that old chestnut, the difference between hearing and listening. I looked at every detail, every line, marveling at how Sue’s disciplined beauty regime and healthy lifestyle had kept her looking so young. Forty-five since her last birthday, she genuinely looked much younger.

As I continued gazing at her face, I tried to work out what it was I loved most about it. Of course, it was a fool’s errand. I love it all. More importantly, I loved the person behind the face. Sure, the sparkling green eyes and the soft warm smile alternating with her playful side were things that sprang to mind. But these were just a few parts of the jigsaw that was Sue. What I loved was the total picture when all the parts came together. This was the woman who’d shared my life and graciously allowed me to share hers.

As I looked at Sue, clarity returned to my mind. I’d grown closer to Grace over the weekend. And yes, I did love her and I knew after what she’d said that her love for me could grow. She was a wonderful girl, but as of now, our love had no depth. It was as nothing compared to what Sue and I had. It was like comparing paddling on the seashore to diving in the depths of Mariana Trench. Or an inland lake to the beauty of an ocean.

As I pulled myself back to the present, I had to know what Sue was thinking while I’d been so lost in my nostalgia and thoughts about our love.

“I love you, sweetheart. It’s at times likes this I realize how much I love you,” I told her.

Sue paused, which was good. I didn’t want a trite knee-jerk reply, not that Sue was like that.

“I love you too, honey. I always will.” I sensed there was a but coming in Sue’s next words. “But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I think if you and I are to have a future together, I think some things are going to have to change.”

So, this was it then. No more delays or avoidance; I was finally going to find out. At least she’d started by telling me she loved me and always would, although that ‘always’ carried the tiniest note of backward-looking nostalgia, as opposed to future-looking hope.

The last thought that went through my mind was how Sue and I had never had this type of ‘where next’ conversation before. We’d always naturally been on the same page, heading in the same direction. But this was different. Like a half-way review point, to check we both still wanted the same things. Even the disaster with Brandon hadn’t brought us to this point.

Sue took a deep breath and started what I guessed would be a hard speech judging by her suddenly pained expression.

“Pete, honey. I love you, and always will. But I think if things are going to work between us in the future, you’ll need to agree to two things.”

Sue paused to see my reaction, seeing nothing more than an attentive, slightly open-mouthed husband.

“What? What things, darling? You know I’ll do anything to keep us together, right?” trying my best not to sound desperate but knowing I was probably not succeeding.

Just for a moment, there was a hint of a smile and laughter lines on Sue’s face. “I’d wait till you hear what I have to say, before you say you’ll do anything.”

Sue’s face returned to that meld of concerned and pained, as she held my hand tight.

“Pete, let me say this and please don’t stop me or interrupt. Because what I have to say is hard and I need to you to understand where I’m coming from.”

The flowery wraparound finally over, she got down to it.

“Pete, you need to understand that for me to watch the next twenty years as you raise a child with Grace, slowly falling more and more in love with her, is going to be heartbreakingly hard for me.”

She paused to look at me. I didn’t like where this was headed.

“At the same time, honey, I do love you and I know I always will.”

This was better, this was hopeful.

“Sweetheart, I don’t want to lose you, ever.”

Better still.

“But we’ve always talked about balance in our lives. We’ve always said it will only work if we have balance in our lives. And that’s the conclusion I reached. I don’t want to lose you, but we have to balance.”

Sue could see how confused I was looking.

“What do you mean, Sue honey? We have balance in our lives, don’t we?” I asked hopefully.

Sue looked at me like she was educating a particularly slow child.

“Yes, honey. We have balance at the moment. But we won’t have balance when Grace gives you a child, and when you raise that child and fall more and more in love with her.”

I began to see just the faintest of outlines of what Sue might be suggesting. But I couldn’t stand the tension anymore. I wanted, for better or for worse, this plaster to be ripped off.

“You better spell it out for me, honey, I need to know specifics. I need to know what we’re talking about here.”

Sue grimaced, knowing she was out of runway. Out of chances to break it to me gently.

“Okay, specifics, honey. One, I want a child. I don’t want to watch as you and Grace push the family stroller around, feeling like a dried-up old prune.”

“I get it, Sue. But you know the situation with my sperm count and motile score. The thing with Grace and Donovan before that were total flukes. You know that, honey, the doctors told us.”

As I looked at the nervous expression on Sue’s face the penny finally dropped. And didn’t I feel like the slow boy in the class. She didn’t mean a child by me. She meant a child by another man, and I had a pretty good idea of who she had in mind.

As the picture, however much I might not like it, started coming into focus, I pulled at the corner of the second plaster.

“And the second thing?”

Sue’s face relaxed a little. She must have seen the slow look of realization on my face, and I guessed she was relieved that I’d not exploded and hit the roof.

“Number two. Until now we’ve always said that 'you and me' is the centre of our lives. That Francis and Grace were important to us, but they were at the edge and we were in the middle. The dessert to our main course.”

For heaven's sake, don’t drag it out anymore.

“Well, I think that’s going to change for you, now that Grace is going to be mummy Grace. And I think we need to embrace that, not deny it, and do the same for Francis as well.”

She was so damned clever. Always truthful, but always laying it on me and bringing her asks back to what I’d done to and with Grace. But I couldn’t fault her logic.

“If Francis is going to give me a baby, then I think we need to tell both him and Grace that it’s changed. That we see them as equals. Grace is going to need the same rights and consideration of your heart as I have. Francis is going to need the same from me. Don’t you agree?”

Although Sue’s last question looks a little confrontational in black and white, her tone was soft and conciliatory, implying her true belief after a whole weekend of thought and soul-searching. Her true belief that this was the only way for things to work. To save Pete and Sue, given all that had happened and was going to happen.

Sue squeezed my hand. Hearing nothing from me, she continued on, but in a different vein and in a softer voice.

“Pete, honey, I know I’ve dumped a lot on you there. Given you a lot to think about. I’m happy to talk about anything that I’ve just said. I wouldn’t want you to think that this is some kind of ultimatum. You asked me to share my thoughts, and that’s what I’ve done. But what we actually decide to do needs to be a joint decision. Something we’re both happy with.”

And Sue just pulled me to her and held me in her arms. My mind was all over the place, emotionally overloaded. Sue knew this and she just held me there, knowing this was all she could do until I was ready to talk about it. It had taken Sue several weeks and then the last weekend to get to where she thought she knew her mind. So, she didn’t expect any instant answers from me.

Which was good, because I didn’t have any. This was going to take a hell of a lot of soul-searching, thinking and heartache.

At least I knew that Sue wanted a future with me. That was better than some of the darkest thoughts which had occupied my mind these last few days. But what she was asking, did I have it in me to give her these things without breaking my own heart?

Even in the turbulent place my mind occupied, I saw the ironic symmetry. On Saturday, Sue had spoken of what she could bear without reaching the point where her heart would be broken every day and she couldn’t cope.

I knew I was going to spend the next days trying to work out the exact same answer. What was my breaking point? What could I give, or try to give, and what would push me over the edge?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sue and I held each other for what seemed like ages. I was totally lost in my thoughts. It felt to me like Sue wanted to make love, but that she was being respectful. Wanting to let me make the first move, given the two bombshells she’d just dropped on me. As we continued to cuddle and comfort each other, although I had mixed feelings, intuitively I knew it was important to Sue that we make love. It was the way she needed me to show her I still loved and respected her, even after the two huge asks she’d made of me.

‘Two huge asks.’ I smiled to myself; this was certainly true, but Sue had been right when she’d closely linked her requests to the situation between me and Grace and what this meant for what she, Sue, would have to face in the coming months and years.

This thought helped me overcome my doubts about making love to Sue now, and I was rewarded with the sweetest and deepest of smiles as I reached out to touch Sue’s hair and kiss her soft lips.

“I love you, baby. We’ll work it out,” I told her.

“I love you too, darling. Please don’t think that anything I said or asked for means I love you any the less, or ever will,” she said, delivering a message she needed me to hear.

These were just the words I needed to hear, and I kissed her again. “I know, sweetheart. I feel the same. You’re my life, Sue, and you always will be. But we’ve kinda messed up. I’ve kinda messed up, and I know I need to make some room in my life and my heart, for other people and other things. But it’s hard, honey. Damned hard.”

Sue just looked at me, saying nothing, but sharing my pain and knowing what I was going through, as she’d been going through something similar for some time now.

“But I don’t want to think about it now. Not today. I just want to make love to my wife and best friend.”

With that, I kissed Sue softly and pulled her close, loving the feel of her warm and soft skin. Loving the way her erect nipples grazed my chest and her big enhanced boobs squashed and flattened themselves against my chest.

Sue looked into my eyes, a poor man’s blue compared to her sparkling green. “I love you, Peter Jones. And I want to feel you inside me. You may not be as big as Francis, and I may have to share you with Grace, but you’ll always be my cock. You’ll always be my coming-home cock. The cock I want to grow old with.”

She was warming to her theme, but I placed a finger on her lips to gently stop her before she ran out of words or said something silly.

Sue smiled, accepting my gentle rebuke, and rolled onto her back, parting her legs. Take me, I’m yours was the message that even an ignoramus would have understood.

I eased into position and held my weight above Sue as I slipped my manhood all the way, balls deep into the love of my life. We were locked as one, united in body and united in soul by our eyes. I smiled at Sue’s little moan of contentment. A huge moan would have been suspicious; after all, I wasn’t docking the QE2. But her small moan of contentment was genuine and heartfelt and did my heart a power of good.

As I started to slowly move in and out, determined to make our time together last as long as possible, I felt Sue’s legs wrap around me like the snap of a seat belt. It felt good to be claimed.

As I slowly built up speed, I dipped my head so that Sue and I could play with each other’s mouths. Mouths and eyes used intermittently as tools in this game of love we were playing.

After a while, I reached underneath Sue and rolled us over so that she was on top and I was submissively underneath. She smiled at me, after twenty years together immediately understanding my message and intent. Her hands came down to my chest, her nails teasing and raking my chest, as she used her hands to stabilize herself as she started riding me.

At first, this was slow and gentle and full of meaning. But as she found the right spot and got nearer to her climax, she was slamming down with full force. Often now used to a much longer and thicker cock, this was her way of teasing the last quarter or half-inch out of the human dildo she was riding.

I let her do the work, stroking and squeezing her beautiful hanging boobs, thinking their shape and curve was more perfect than anything Michelangelo or Leonardo had ever created. I could tell that even though it was my cock hitting her G-spot that was giving her the most pleasure, the feel of my hands on her boobs and nipples was adding that vital extra flavor and taste for Sue. I loved that I was able to make her happy in both of these ways.

I knew she was getting close and carried on my part as she made the last two or three downward slams, and I held her hips tight as she cried out with an intense climax. Sure, in my own mind that the emotions of the last few days had only added to the intensity of her orgasm.

As Sue slowly recovered, her breathing slowed and her eyes slowly opened. The tender smile she gave me as she looked down was a thing of beauty I’ll never forget.

I’d been planning to roll us back over and enjoy some slow and intimate lovemaking in the missionary position, but I suddenly wanted to be more dominant and assertive. So instead, when she was ready, I pushed Sue up and then placed her exactly how I wanted her, her smile telling me she was happy to see where this ended up.

I placed her knees half-way down the bed and gently pushed on the small of her back so she got the idea and placed her face side-on in the pillow. Nudging her knees just a little further apart, I took my cock and ran it up and down her by now very wet pussy lips, making sure to tease and touch her clit as often as I could.

Sue was soon moaning, thrusting back to trap me inside her. I toyed with making her beg, but this wasn’t me. Her backward thrusts already told me what she wanted, and so I pushed forward all the way until I felt my groin hard against her ass.

I shuffled around a little to get the best position, and then I started slowly stroking in and out and getting faster and rougher with each thrust. Sue was soon moaning and sighing, enjoying what I was giving her. Having cum once already, there wasn’t the same urgency in her movements as before. But still, it looked wonderful to me. Hearing my wife’s moans and sighs as I watched her ass thrusting back to meet me, while her big boobs swung in time with each beat of my hips, I felt like a Master of the Universe as I drove us forward in this position.

I made love to Sue for about five minutes in this position, although to a forty-nine-year-old who’d not looked after his health, it seemed a lot longer. Knowing that Sue was enjoying it but was showing no signs of cumming again, I kissed her leftward-turned face and withdrew.

Sue knew what I wanted and rolled over onto her back, legs wide with a big smile to welcome her husband into the position we both loved. As I sank back into her, uniting our bodies once again, we kissed like we’d done on our wedding day. I think for both of us as we kissed, and as my excitement built, we were both kissing as a remembrance of all we’d shared and as a sign of our commitment to each other going forward. Better than metallic rings, this was two people deeply in love using their bodies as nature intended. As a physical expression of the promise we’d made to love, honor and cherish each other.

I pulled back from our kisses because I wanted to look into Sue’s eyes as I reached the summit. It was a truly special moment as I made that last, deep thrust and rested, allowing my cockhead to expand and contract, shooting millions of sperm deep into the woman I loved and would continue to love.

Sue often came as I climaxed, but this wasn’t one of those times. But it didn’t matter. We were locked together in love as she held me especially close as she performed the most intimate and sacred act a woman can. An act that through most of human history only followed after lifelong union and marriage.

As I came down from my high, our eyes were still locked together in love. And just for a moment, despite all the things I knew we still needed to work out, I allowed myself a little hope that this thing could still work out okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After we’d made love on Monday evening, Sue and I talked about her twin requests a little more. Mainly it was me testing if she was sure about her own mind and whether or not there were any other options. But Sue was gentle but firm in her opinions. I suggested maybe asking Grace to move out and me having a more arms-length relationship with her. So, the whole thing would be less ‘in your face’ to Sue, and easier for her to deal with.

Sue said she’d thought of that but rejected it for two reasons. Firstly, because she didn’t want to be the one responsible for a young foreign girl not having the support she needed through pregnancy and motherhood. As she put it, however nice the apartment we might find for her, it would break her heart thinking of Grace alone at night, a million miles from her family and loved ones, dealing with all the challenges of raising a child. She said that she knew that millions of women were single mums and coped okay, but she was adamant that she and I would not be the people who turned Grace into one of those women struggling by themselves.

Sue’s second point was that even if we did go with such an arrangement, she’d still know that emotionally she was having to share me with Grace. That even if I was in our home and physically with her, she knew me well enough to know that if Grace needed anything I’d be there in an instant.

I asked Sue about how the new arrangements and the color of her planned baby would play out at the hospital and amongst our friends. Sue looked a little abashed, but only a little, as she said that her relationship with Francis was by now pretty common knowledge around the hospital. When she talked about how our friends might take it, she said that if they were real friends then they’d understand. That New York was a pretty liberal and tolerant place, and that most of our friends fit into that bracket.

All through Monday evening I pressed and tried other alternatives, but none of them really fit the situation and the need. The two big elephants in the room were that I’d not walk away from a girl carrying my child, and that I had a wife who’d already had her heart broken years ago by not having a sibling for Donovan. And she was determined not to have her heart broken in a similar way again, watching me raise a child with another woman while she toddled quietly off into spinsterhood and old age.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s why Tuesday morning found me back at my favorite bench at the edge of Harlem Meer in Central Park, wondering how the hell I’d got myself from a normal and loving marriage into this crazy position. One woman, twenty-two and from the middle of Africa, carrying my child. And another, my wife saying the only way she could see us staying together was if I let her have her doctor boyfriend’s child. With the kicker that I’d also have to agree to share her with him in every way, giving up the primacy of our love and marriage over her relationship with Francis, which would now be equally as important.

If you’d have told me that I’d be contemplating this choice back in 2014, before we ever laid eyes on Francis, or even before October 2017 when their affair burst into life again, I’d have said you were a crazy man.

But as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, feeling a little like Houdini trying to wriggle out of chains and a straitjacket, I realized that bit by bit I’d allowed our marriage to get to this point. Sure, I wasn’t the only one responsible. Sue, Francis and even Jenny had all had parts to play in getting us to this car-wreck situation. But with a feeling of depression but honesty, I knew it was mainly my hands on the wheel.

I’d been the one who’d pushed Sue to flirt with Francis all those years ago at the Homeless Shelter fund-raiser. I’d been the one who’d asked her to go as Francis’ ‘plus one’ to the Christmas gala when Francis was otherwise planning a quiet night at home. I’d been the one who had pushed Sue to have that single night of passion which had turned into such an erotic weekend that Sue and I had slammed the brakes on as we were so frightened of damage to our marriage.

And here we were, two and a half years later and what Sue and I had both worried might happen had come to pass. After a little nudge from Jenny, Sue and I had gleefully played the game for the last twelve months that had brought us to this point.

As I sighed and looked out at a pair of swans, mated for life and doing better than me, I realized that in a sense the questions Sue had posed me were in some ways just a logical extension of the direction we’d been travelling since I’d returned from Malawi.

At first, Francis and Sue had just been spending a couple of nights a week together, on Tuesdays and Fridays. Then I’d lost a chunk of Saturday to Francis, with Grace then adding Sundays as a day when Sue would sleep with Francis at one of the two houses. He was already up to three nights a week and half of Saturday. As well as working in the same hospital, although Sue assured me nothing happened between them most days at work.

In terms of time, Francis already had half of Sue’s life. But what Sue was asking for now went beyond time. It was about love and commitment. Until now, Sue and I had always said that our love and marriage came first. This gave me huge comfort and reassurance. Allowing the darker side of my personality to enjoy the kinky games we played, believing that Sue would always come home to me at the end of the day. Even if she was already spending half her time with another man, we both repeatedly said that it was our love and marriage which was number one.

But Sue, with good reason I’m sorry to say, was now asking me to dissolve this agreement between us. To put Francis and their relationship on a par with me and our marriage. And it was a huge step she was asking me to take. In our Monday night discussions, Sue had reassured me that she wasn’t suggesting to put Francis above me, but she was asking that he was no longer a second-class citizen. Sue promised me faithfully that, as far as was humanly possible, she’d treat us equally. But she wasn’t ducking or hiding from the fact that this would be different from before, when our marriage and ‘Pete and Sue’ had always come first.

I sat in Central Park most of the day contemplating these massive decisions. I’m ashamed to admit that at certain times the huge masochistic flavor of these decisions excited the pervert within me. But these times were few and far between, because this was very much real life, not fantasy. And I was aware of the huge significance and importance of the decisions I had to take.

Like I said, at times the cuckold pervert within me pictured Sue’s tummy swollen with Francis' child. Pictured him holding her hand as she gave birth to a little coffee-colored baby. Pictured Sue nursing their infant child as it suckled at her breast. Pictured them right by the lake I sat by, pushing the stroller hand-in-hand as their child slept peacefully.

And the pervert within got excited and aroused at these rolling montages, even by the fact that the color of the baby would be a huge flag about the state of the relationships in the Jones household. But this was as nothing to the fear and jealousy that they raised in the real, everyday me. And having felt the gravitational pull of Grace’s pregnancy on my emotions, I was terrified that exactly the same effect would slowly but surely lead to me losing Sue totally to Francis.

All of her promises of loving us equally negated, not out of spite or a lack of love, but by the simple rhythms and realities of Mother Nature.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must have spent nearly all of two days contemplating all of this. But unlike Houdini, I couldn’t wriggle out of the chains and the straitjacket. The tiniest part of me, the two percent pervert, was excited by the new direction our marriage was about to take. But the real-world Peter Jones was terrified, like a man about to be pushed off a gangplank into a shark-infested sea.

Sue was sensitive to my emotional state when I finally went back home on Wednesday evening and told her that I agreed to her twin requests. She hugged me and held me to her, and she reassured me of what she’d said on Monday night. That she’d never put Francis above me, being honest enough to add that she’d also not put me above him.

Hearing these words, I knew that both Sue and my lives were entering a new phase that day, Wednesday 26th September 2018. Sue would, for all intents and purposes, have two husbands in her life, whom she promised to have and to hold equally. And me, I was entering a phase where I could no longer rely on the love between me and Sue and our marriage to be the central bedrock of my life. I had to reckon with only being equal to another man in her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sue and I made gentle and tender love that Wednesday night. There was physical pleasure, but also emotional sadness for both of us. We talked about it afterwards, and we were both honest enough to recognize the watershed moment. Despite Sue’s promises of parity, because this was so much less than I’d enjoyed for twenty-five years, emotionally this felt more like a divorce or a bereavement.

I told Sue this, and she looked thoughtfully at me and just said, “I know what you mean.” I was pretty sure she was feeling the same, and a hopelessly optimistic little voice thought this sadness within her might throw the whole thing into reverse. But no such words or actions came as Sue and I held each other, my mind picturing a loving couple enjoying a last night before the husband goes off to the front or heads to the hospital for a do-or-die operation.

Thursday night was similar, but with Sue gently nudging me to agree to some of the practicalities. We already had a pretty set calendar of ‘practicalities’ in terms of when Sue and Francis saw each other. Sue suggested we just make some changes to this so that she’d have half the week with me and half with Francis.

Sue was more than a little embarrassed as she asked me whether, in the new world, I still wanted to watch her and Francis together in bed. I felt myself color up as I listened to Sue’s question. The truth was that as soon as she asked, I knew that the answer was yes. But I was embarrassed to even admit this to myself, so I disguised my real motives by telling myself I wanted to watch to keep track of how things were between them. To give me early warning if it looked like things were developing in a way that I might lose Sue one hundred percent to Francis. And, being practical, this was a good reason to still have a night every week when the four of us were together. But in my heart, I knew this was just camouflage.

Having got my embarrassed answer to her question, Sue then made a suggestion as to how we should carve up the week. Sue’s suggestion was that in a normal week she’d spend Sunday through Tuesday nights at our home in Scarsdale, and on Wednesday morning would head to work and then come back to Scarsdale for dinner on Saturday evening, bringing Francis with her who’d stay the night with her before heading home first thing in the morning so that Sue and I would get Sundays to ourselves.

At one level it wasn’t a big change. We already had a pretty much fixed weekly schedule, but emotionally this felt a world apart. It felt like two divorcing parents agreeing on a custody rota for a beloved only child. I agreed to Sue’s suggestion because I didn’t have a better suggestion, except the impossible suggestion of turning the clock back and never starting this stupid game.

Sue could see in my face the emotional cost of these changes to me, and we cuddled, talked and finally made love into the early hours of that Thursday night. The way we made love showed me the depth of Sue’s love for me. But of course, even as we made love, I was terribly aware that the next morning when Sue left for work, it would be several days before I’d be reunited with her as her husband.

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That Friday, I stayed upstairs as Sue left for work. There were tears in my eyes and on my cheeks as I watched her drive away to work, knowing that I’d not see her now until Saturday dinner time. And even then, she’d still be with Francis, for all evening and all night, and that I’d only be able to reclaim her when he left on Sunday morning.

Not surprisingly, I couldn’t face work that day and I called in sick. I tried to do some work at home, but I was all over the place. I could hardly add up, let alone do anything more complicated.

On the Saturday night, I texted Sue to cancel Francis coming over with her so that I could get my weekly fix of watching them. There was no way I could have coped with seeing them together. It would have been too painful, it would have shredded my heart into a million strips. Trying my best to be the man she’d married, I told Sue that it wasn’t fair that she and Francis suffer because of my feelings, and that she should stay with him and come home in the morning.

To her great credit, Sue was home about thirty minutes after receiving my text. And we spent a hugely emotional evening together, with plenty of bawling and crying on both sides as Grace diplomatically made herself scarce.

On Tuesday night, after Sue and I had made love she checked if I was okay for her to stick to our agreement that she'd head to Francis' place after work. I’m not sure ‘okay’ was the first word I’d have chosen to describe my feelings, but I nodded my head and gave Sue my agreement.

That was pretty much the last time I saw Sue until Sunday morning. Once again on Saturday, I texted her to cancel dinner and my little voyeur show, again suggesting Sue stay over and come back on Sunday. But this time, instead of heading straight back, Sue texted back. Asking me if I was sure it was okay for her to stay over with Francis.

Of course, I could have texted that I really needed her back, but I didn’t want to appear that needy and weak to either Sue or Francis.

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Our lives, all four of us, pretty much continued in that pattern for the next couple of weeks. The only upside of the half-week that Sue and I were apart each week was that it gave space and room for Grace and me to get closer.

I didn’t deserve that girl. Although she obviously had her own worries and needs, she was really sensitive to the situation I was going through. During the nights Sue was at home, Grace pretty much kept herself to herself. Either staying in her room or coming back late from the hospital. On the nights when Sue wasn’t there, she always knew that I needed a bit of TLC on the first night Sue was away at Francis’ place. It was only on the second night that things were a bit more normal.

It was during the first half-week that Sue was away that I told Grace all about the agreement I’d made with Sue, and why. As I explained about me agreeing to fully share Sue, she looked thoughtful and after some discussion she said she could see Sue’s point and why I’d agreed, adding that she also knew how hard it must be for me.

But when I told her about the second part of our agreement, that Sue wanted to have a child by Francis, an altogether different look appeared on Grace’s face. She looked panicked and instantly much more personally involved. She asked me why I’d agreed to something so permanent, and she even seemed to be trying to get me to change my mind.

It was a strange conversation. I ended up almost defending Sue’s position. I actually ended up explaining more of how I felt about Sue’s planned pregnancy to Grace than I think I’d explained to Sue. Talking to Sue about it was too hard and too painful, whereas discussing it with Grace actually felt pretty therapeutic and cathartic.

I couldn’t work out why Grace seemed so emotionally invested in whether or not I agreed to Sue having another child, having a baby by Francis. I explained to Grace how heartbroken Sue had been when she couldn’t have a second child to keep Donovan company. And therefore, how hard it would be for her to see me pushing a pram with our child in it. I explained that as I loved Sue so much, what I found more difficult was the thought of what this child might do to Sue and my relationship, pulling her away from me as she became closer to the father.

I explained to Grace that the fact that I wasn’t the biological father of the child Sue planned to have wasn’t great, but that I was happy for her that she’d feel fulfilled and would be a mother again. I said that as there was little chance that I’d fertilize Sue, then I knew that if she was to be fulfilled it couldn’t be with my child. Telling Grace that once I’d accepted this, then the thought that Francis would be the father wasn’t in and of itself a terrible idea.

He was smart and healthy, loved Sue and was able to provide for the baby financially.

Hearing myself explain all of this to Grace sounded really odd, especially as she almost seemed more upset by the idea than I was.

I was upset by what damage in the long term it might do to Sue and my love. Grace seemed upset about it at every level.

The following day when I asked Grace why she seemed so upset, she said it was because she felt guilty that because of her getting pregnant I’d had to agree to Sue having a baby by another man. And that in her culture back home this was a terrible, emasculating thing. I saw her point, and knew that what she was saying about African culture was true.

But aside from these conversations about my feelings and Sue’s planned pregnancy by Francis, these days were good as Grace and I grew closer together. I didn’t push it, but I sensed that now that she knew about the changed relationship between Sue and me, Grace had given herself permission to love me in a deeper way. She sensed that, as Sue had changed the rules of the game, my heart was now open to love her in the way that she wanted.

And without Grace being knotted up in guilt that she was stealing the heart of her friend’s husband, a friend who had welcomed her into her home.

As the days passed by in the middle of October, I began to feel better about things. When Sue was at home with me, which was about the same time as before, she was loving and attentive. If anything, she was more loving than before. As if trying to make up for the half of the week that she was with Francis. I knew Sue well enough to know that, even though she’d requested the new arrangements, there was definitely some residual guilt also driving her.

I began to feel comfortable enough about things that on the third planned ‘Saturday foursome’ I didn’t text Sue to cancel it as I’d done on the two previous Saturdays. Of course, I’d seen Sue and Francis together as a couple many times before this, but this felt different. Outwardly it looked no different, but all four of us knew that the rules had fundamentally changed.

Before, when Francis had been there and slept with Sue on Sunday nights, it had been as part of a game and he basically was a guest in Sue's and my home and only had Sue as a temporary loaned gift from me. But with the new situation, this had all changed. Sue and he were in our home as a genuine couple. For that night, I’d ceded my rights to him, as I had done for half of the week. And not as some temporary game, but as a deeply thought-out arrangement I’d agreed with Sue, so she’d not feel short-changed or second best as things changed between Grace and me.

On that first Saturday night, there were no signs of crowing or arrogance from Francis. On the contrary, he was incredibly gracious and diplomatic. While we waited for dinner, ate, and then relaxed afterwards, he barely touched Sue. An outsider might have had them as brother and sister, rather than as a loving couple.

Silently I was thankful for his tact as it made it a lot easier for me to deal with. But when it was time for bed, the old rituals were observed. They made sure to leave the door to their bedroom slightly ajar, with the bedside lamps on so that I could get a good view if I wanted.

At first, it was too painful for me to watch. But as the minutes passed and the soundtrack of their love-making built up a hypnotic effect, I found myself unable to resist, soon standing quietly looking through the gap they’d left for me.

Twice more they made love that night, and twice more Peter the moth was drawn from the arms of Grace to watch his wife taking Francis’ big black cock, and quite possibly watching the moment one of her eggs was fertilized by her big Nigerian lover.

When I woke up in the morning, as per the rules I’d agreed upon with Sue, Francis was already gone. So that Sue and I could enjoy all of Sunday together.

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The following week followed a similar pattern. Sue was again loving and attentive on the Sunday through Tuesday that she was home as Mrs. Jones, and when she headed off to work on Wednesday morning I didn’t feel anywhere near as bad as I had the previous weeks. I guess that’s why people say time heals all.

Of course, I still missed her, but I had a wonderful young woman called Grace to keep me company, both emotionally and physically. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but by Friday night I found myself looking forward to the next day when I’d once again be able to indulge my voyeuristic pleasure of watching Sue and Francis together.

This time, Francis was a little bit more-touchy feely with Sue on the Saturday night. But nothing untoward, and again I enjoyed front-row seats as the lovers retired to bed to give me my weekly fix to soothe my addiction. This time, as they readied to make love for the third time, Sue even pulled me into the room and had me sit in a chair by the side of the bed.

As they made love for what seemed like forever, she’d often look across at me and blow me a kiss or tell me that she loved me. At other times, my gut would twist and turn as I had to listen to Sue telling Francis how great it was and how she loved him so much.

I’d heard this before, but in our new world, it twisted my gut even more than before to hear these confessions and statements from Sue.

When they’d finished, Grace was feeling horny and reclaimed me in no uncertain terms. In fact, she reclaimed me three times before she finally let me sleep at around three in the morning.

When Grace and I finally dragged ourselves out of bed on the Sunday morning, we went downstairs to see Sue sitting by herself at the kitchen table. There was a nervous look on her face and I could see that she had something in her hand, but because it was underneath the table, I couldn’t see what it was she was holding.

“Honey?” was my one-word question, sufficient for a couple after twenty-five years.

Sue was trying to control her expression, but she singularly failed as her face broke out into a huge, radiant smile. She raised her hand and I instantly recognized the blue and white plastic device she was holding, nearly identical to the one Grace had brandished two and a half months ago.

“Pete, baby, we’re going to have a baby.” Her green eyes sparkled with more excitement than ever before.

I was knocked sideways, literally frozen to the spot and not knowing how to react. I could see Sue’s overwhelming joy, and I’d noticed the way she’d said ‘we’re going to have a baby’, which was better than the alternative. But still, how are you meant to react when your wife tells you she’s carrying another man’s child? I guess there was still a small chance the child was mine, but I wasn’t holding my breath waiting.

Before I had a chance to react or say anything, I felt Grace’s hand pawing at my shoulder. It was all a blur, but I remember looking over to see her legs collapsing from under her. I somehow managed to put my arms around her waist to take her weight as her legs went, so she didn’t land on the floor.

Sue temporarily forgot her exciting news and jumped up to help me support Grace and lay her gently on the sofa. She seemed out for the count, and it took a few moments with some smelling salts to help her come around.

Sue immediately went into full-on nurse mode, carrying out various checks, before saying that we should take Grace to the hospital to get her properly checked out. Sue was probably being too cautious, and Grace tried to say that she was okay. Sue was insistent, but Grace was being equally stubborn in not wanting to go.

I was worried this was going to flare up, a fight between two hormonal women, but when Sue mentioned that she was going to get Francis to meet us there to make sure we got the hospital’s best, there was a sudden change in Grace’s expression. She suddenly became okay with Sue’s suggestion.

As we headed across town to the hospital, I could see Grace sending a text, and then seeming to reply to the response she’d received. I asked her who she was texting and she said, "Just a friend." When I asked her if it was anyone I knew, she looked nervous and pretended not to hear my question.

I didn’t push it as I was driving, and also because I reasoned that I didn’t want to cause any more stress to Grace in her current condition. Traffic was light as it was a Sunday morning, and we were soon there. It was Francis himself who greeted us and pushed Grace in the mandatory wheelchair to the private room he’d arranged for the check-up.

As Sue opened the door and Francis wheeled Grace through and inside, I was surprised to see another person already inside. But judging by the look on Francis’ face, he was more surprised than any of us by the unexpected visitor.

(Thanks to cbears52 and the moderators for checking and removing mistakes)