She wrote Finis to her marriage.
A story of cheating, regrets, pain, divorce, and forgiveness.
What I did, I did of my own free will, most of the time with pre-planning. I cannot blame my drinking, I was never drunk enough not to know what I was doing. I was sober at the planning stage, some of the deeds, I did cold sober.
I have no excuses for what I did. After it was over. I went in therapy. I still did not accept full responsibility for my actions at the time. I was looking for some justification and excuses to placate my conscience. The sad reality is I have no one to blame but myself.
I had a good loving husband. He did nothing to deserve the pain I brought onto him. I and I alone did of my own free will what I did. The reality is I was a slut. I enjoyed everything I did.
The sad tale.
I was shopping one afternoon and came face to face with an old friend, Shane. I had not seen her since college. We hugged and kissed we were happy to run into each other. She was in town visiting in-laws who recently moved to this city. She still lives in our old home town, but on my infrequent visits there had never ran into her. We went to a restaurant to talk and catch-up. We exchanged email addresses, so as not to lose touch again.
“What is going with you, Shane?”
“I married Hank, my old home town boyfriend. You remember him? We have two kids, a boy twelve and a girl seven. About you, Anita, I heard that from your Aunt Julie that your marriage ended in divorce. Is that so?”
“Yes and it was all my fault. I was married to the nicest man you could find. He loved me and I loved him. I ruined everything with my great stupidity and egoistic behaviour.”
“How did you do that?”
“I just could not stop myself from being a cheating slut. The worst thing is that I had no justifications. He was good in bed. I was deprived of nothing there, or anywhere else.”
“Did you remarry?”
“No. I will tell you the whole sorry tale.”
“I was at the time married to very nice man, Andy. You don’t know him. He is from this city.”
“If he was that nice, why the cheating?”
“As I said, my stupidity and lust. You know I was not really wild in college, but I had some experiences with boys. And I loved to flirt. Unfortunately, I did not stop once married. I ended up cheating on him.”
“I loved to dance and flirt when we went out. I always did, as you know. Andy did not like to dance as much as I did, so I danced a lot with others. I always managed to keep the flirting under control. I must admit sometimes Andy had to call me back to order. We had a few mild arguments about it from time to time. He thought I took things too far at times. I did not think so. I was always in full control. The arguments about it became more and more past the mild reproach”
“I understand his side, Anita. A married woman should not be going around flirting, and if I remember right you took thing quite far in college.”
“I began in my sick mind, to convince myself that the problem was with my husband being jealous and wanting to control me. In retrospect, my flirting was more borderline cheating. As the arguments got more intense, things began to deteriorate.
“That was not too smart, Anita.”
“I had sometimes fantasized about having sex with some of the men I flirted with, even about threesomes, but never seriously. Up to that point I had been faithful to my marriage and Andy.”
“What do you mean faithful up to that point? You were flirting with every man in sight and probably had a few petting sessions at least, if not more, if I remember your flirting, as you call it, from college.”
“To be completely honest, when dancing out of sight of my husband, I did let men put their hands where they wanted and reciprocated. At the time, I did not consider that cheating. There were mutual masturbation sessions in a guy’s car before going in to wait for Andy to arrive. It was not multiple guys, just one. He was older and really liked to masturbate me. I liked this and returned the favour to him. A few times I did him orally, not that he asked for it but I liked doing him. Andy worked later than I did on Fridays, so we had time in the parking lot before I went in to wait for Andy to arrive”
“That was cheating Anita.”
“Yes, now I am quite aware of this.”
“I really went over the line and really cheated a few months later. I knew I would cheat, I was just waiting for the right opportunity to do it without getting caught.”
“It was quiet at work and I took three days off. I went to visit Aunt Julie Mom’s younger sister. If you remember, she was always the wild one and she has not cooled down after uncle Mike passed away.”
“Yes, I do. She was not exactly a model of fidelity even when he was alive. I heard that she was not too averse even to women. I see her sometimes when we are out. She is seldom alone.”
“I was there for three days. On the second night, I wanted to go out for a drink and maybe some dancing. Of course, being without my husband, I danced most with one guy in particular. I ended up quite aroused. I was pushing it, letting him feel me up while we danced. Aunt Julie was doing the same with another guy. She seemed to know them quite well. I won’t tell you their names. You know them.”
“I suppose I also know their wife?”
I did not confirm this, but she was right. I knew their wives too. One in particular had been a good friend during our school years. This only made me more of a slut. At the time I only thought of myself. I did not care about anyone else as long as I had my pleasure.
“I went to the lady’s room with her to talk things over. I wanted to let the guy fuck me and asked if we should go to her place or a motel. In our private emails, we had discussed some of the arguments Andy and I had about my dancing and especially too much flirting with other men according to him. Mind you, at the time I was putting all the blame on him.
“Most cheaters do put the blame on their partner, or at least part of it Anita.”
Aunt Julie took my side and hinted that if I should visit her and want to go dancing, she knew just the place where we could probably meet some nice men to dance with and spend a nice evening. I did not tell her in so many words, but she was smart enough to guess the main reason for my visit was to get strange cock while I was there.
She did not answer my question as to where I should go with the guy. As I was bending toward the mirror to check my make-up, she surprised me by running her hand up my legs. I did not protest but spread a little more. She brought her hand to my pussy.
“You are all wet, Anita. You really want to fuck the guy you have been dancing with most of the evening.”
“Yes, Aunt Julie. He wants to fuck me to. We will go to a motel. I pushed my hips back to give her more access.”
“You did not do that, Anita.”
“Yes, I let her caress my pussy. It felt good and it got me even hornier. Someone came in then and we had to stop and go back to the guys. I had decided that I would fuck the one I was with. At this point, I did not see this as anything wrong. It would be a onetime thing and my husband would not know. He would not be hurt and I would satisfy my need of the moment. I forgot that I would know and one day my conscience would make me pay.”
“Forget the motel, Anita. I will invite them to my place for a nightcap. I want to get fucked too.”
“You say that you loved him, that is hard to reconcile with your actions. Your flirting and this are more the actions of a woman in love with herself and thinking of only her pleasure. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I was not thinking, at least not with my head. Later, much later, I realised that I was an immature egotistical idiot and a slut, but I had lost everything by then.”
“To make a long story short, we ended up at Aunt Julie’s place with the guys. I let him fuck me every way he wanted. I was a real slut and refused him nothing. There came time he had to leave. As I said, he is married.”
“After he left, I was alone in my Aunt’s guess-room and I cried. I had stepped over the line and cheated. I recognized what I had done was cheating. Contrary to the rest of my slips that I considered as just me enjoying my life as it was my right.”
“This was a lot more than my mutual masturbating session with Bart in his car. I deeply regretted it. I had thoughts of confessing to Andy. I promised myself that I would, if not stop, at least cut down on my flirting. I lost control this night. What hurt my conscience the most was the fact that I had been a slut and really enjoyed the sex. I planned this with Aunt Julie during a few weeks of emails. It was not a mistake after a few too many drinks. It had been good and I had done this freely. I was not really drunk.”
“I hope that you did not do that again.”
“I wish this were so. The other guy that was with Aunt Julie finally left. I headed for the shower. I had calmed down by then and convinced myself that what I had done was not so bad after all. My husband would not be hurt he would never know. I would not cheat again.”
“And he found out?”
“Not then. The next night we met the same two guys, but we exchanged partners . I was a slut, again. I was really enjoying the sex. I had no thought, except satisfying my lust. Not a thought for my husband during the rest of my visit with her.”
“God, Anita. You were an idiot and a slut.”
“I was, Shane, to my shame and regrets, but the sincere regrets only came much later.”
“On the way home I was really sorry for what I had done. My conscience bothered me a lot for a while. Andy even asked me what was wrong. I made some lame excuses about being tired and maybe coming down with something. It was also my time of the month, a good excuse for being moody. I was a good wife for a while, even cutting down on my flirting on our nights out. Alas this did not last.”
She did not say a thing, I continued
“A guy, Gilles, was on loan to us from main office for a few weeks. I could not stop myself from flirting with him. He was cute and rubbing against him, I noticed he was big. I decided I would do him if I got a chance. One day we had an opportunity, there was not much work, I hinted at him that we could knock off work early and go for a drink”
“This time you went after the guy again Anita there is no excuse for a married woman doing that.”
“Yes, you are right, Shane. I did go after him and, after a quick drink we ended at a motel. He was big as I suspected and he was a good sex partner. He took all my holes. I cooperated fully. It was a few hours of really good sex, with me getting huge orgasms. I was sexually satiated when I left.
Again, she did not say a word, but just looked at me. I continued.
“I saw him three more time before he was recalled to head Office. I told Aunt Julie all about him and his big cock in my emails. I had opened a private email account, unknown to my husband. She said that the guys would like to see me again, but if I wanted big cocks, she knew just the guy for me.”
Again I continued.
“My flirting became more and more brazen and the arguments with Andy more intense and frequent. I even found a way to have a couple of one night stands while he was working overtime. One night when we were at a busy bar, Andy was talking with a few old friends we ran into. I managed to go out to the parking lot and have a mutual masturbation session with a guy. It was hot dirty and thrilling, with the chance of being seen.”
“You were trying to get caught, Anita. You really had no respect or love for your husband.”
“You are wrong, Shane. I did love him, just not like I should have. Maybe it was lack of respect as you say. I still don’t have all the answers for my stupidity then.”
“In the meantime, I had decided to visit Aunt Julie, again. I knew I would cheat again, but I was still in that crazy state of mind where I blamed everything on Andy’s supposed unjustified jealousy. My mother, she knew her sister well as well as my taste for flirting. When I told her I would visit my Aunt, again, cautioned me against going. She had figured out my reason for going there.”
“You were really out of your mind, Anita,”
“Yes I know that now, but I visited my Aunt again with the excuse to Andy that I needed a few days to reflect.”
We went out with the same two guys again. Back at Aunt Julie’s place, she took me in her arms and gave me a long passionate kiss. This surprised me, but I responded to the kiss.
“Anita I would really like for you to do me a favour and let me watch you get fucked.”
This was a shock at first, but she kissed my neck, sucked my earlobes, and inserted a hand in my panties to caress my cunt. I did not protest but just moaned and decided that this would really be hot and dirty. It aroused me more. Again, I had very little to drink prior to coming to her place. I can’t blame liquor.
One guy said. “Julie, make out with her to get us hot, then we will double team her for your pleasure. Okay with you Anita?”
“Yes.” I was so hot. I just wanted to be fucked.
In my state of mind, this seemed like a very good idea. I often fantasized about doing threesomes in the past. With my Aunt watching, it only made it seem hornier. I helped Julie undress me on the way to the bedroom. Once there, she told me to get on my knees in front of her.
“We must give the guys something to help them wait until we are done.”
“You are telling me that you actually went through with this.”
“Yes Shane. She tied my wrists together behind my back with her scarf and pulled my head back with her hand in my hair and caressed my cunt with her other hand. The guys in turn fucked my mouth and dumped their load deep in my throat. This was so dirty, especially being held tight and being used. It sent me out of this world. I had a big shaking orgasm. She then took me to the bed and we made out good. I really got into it. We ended with a long sixty-nine. It was some of the best sex I had ever had.”
“I think I will get friendly with your Aunt Julie when we get home. Just hearing this makes me hot, Anita,” she said, with a laugh.
“By the time we had our breath back, the guys were ready to go. I straddled one, and the other got behind me and took my ass. My first double penetration. It was an experience to remember. I came like I had never came before. I decided that I would want that again. For the rest of the night I was fucked in all my holes. I had a cock in my mouth and one either in my ass or cunt. I was again double penetrated a little later. I begged for it, as I remember. In between that I made out with my Aunt. By the time the guys left I was exhausted so was Aunt Julie and I am sure the two guys were fucked out.”
“I have never been double penetrated, Anita, but it sounds hot.”
“My advice, talking from bitter experience, Shane, yes, it is hot and like nothing else, but it is not worth loosing the man you love.”
“Maybe a woman should have the right to try it once, Anita.”
“Don’t be stupid, Shane. It is not worth it. Take my word for it. I have been there.”
“The next day as I got up I was sore and I begun to realise what I had done and what I was doing to my life and probably to Andy. He was not stupid. He surely suspected something. This had to stop. I needed help and I would seek it.”
“Did he suspect and did you get help?”
“He did suspect and probably knew. I did seek help, but much later when it was too late and I had lost him.”
“But you said that at that moment you realised your mistake.”
“Contrary to what I thought, I was not yet fully realizing the extant of my folly, but enough to tell Aunt Julie that I would not stay until the next day to meet her friend with the big cock. I would go home and see if I could fix my marriage. It was going downhill fast, I now realised. At least I reasoned that to my relief that I was waking up. Things would be better now. I was wrong. One does not break a bad habit that easily without help or a shock. Ask any recovering alcoholic. The shock was coming and would hit me like a freight train.”
Andy took me to a resort for a week-end of relaxation to celebrate my birthday and also maybe we could get a new start. He was at the end of his patience with me. I was excited. It would be a weekend all to us. A chance to make things right. I was full of good intentions.
The place was lovely. We got there early Friday afternoon. There was a pool, a spa and a bar with a dance floor that was almost a ballroom. The room had a nice view on the lake and mountains. I loved it. This was going to be a lovely weekend. Little did I know my marriage would come to an end in this place..
We spent a good part of the afternoon in the pool. A guy hit on me but not too openly. I did not discourage him. To the contrary, I encouraged him. He was nice, tall and sexy. We had time for a few words when Andy had to go to the bathroom..
‘If I may introduce myself, my name is Mike.”
“Mine is Anita.”
“Too bad you are not alone. We could get together later, but you husband would surely not approve,” he said with a little laugh.
“We never know what later can bring. I may be able to get away from my friend.”
To this day I don’t know what made me refer to Andy as my friend. Unless like my analyst said I had decided to let him know that I was available.
Andy was on the way back we did not say anything more, but I was seriously tempted. I even seriously wondered if there was a way I could get away from Andy for a few hours during the week-end. Mike was with a friend. I had done two guys at Aunt Julie’s and loved it. I fantasized a bit about doing them both, if I had a chance. I shook my head and decided that this was not a good idea. We were here to put our marriage back on track. I had promised to myself that I would mend my slutty ways. The idea and fantasy kept re-surfacing, through the rest of the afternoon and dinner.
The food was excellent. After a lovely dinner, we went for a walk. The panorama was lovely and I was getting in a nice mood.
“Anita, we have to talk seriously, while we are here.”
This worried me a bit. He normally addressed me as Ann.
“As long as we are here, we have to get a few things settled. You will have to put a stop to your flirting all the time. You are getting more and more brazen, even in front of me and my friends. I don’t know for sure if you have been unfaithful up to now, but it is surely coming the way you are going.”
It got me a little cross that he chose that moment to bring this up and that he had almost accused me of cheating. Especially considering that I had already decided put an end to my behaviour. I did not need him to go there, now. I told him I understood and had never cheated but would stop the flirting.
“Well, you did not stop it this afternoon by the pool.”
This pissed me off more. I understood later that he was right and that is what got me mad. The truth. Only much later did I come to understand that my getting pissed at him was only justification for what I did and planned to do.
It was getting dark when we went back to the room. I told Andy that we should go for some dancing before calling it a day and getting to bed. The first dress I tried on, I found too conservative. I left it on the bed and chose one that hid practically none of my charms with a matching bra and thong. I did not look like a slut, but like a woman on the prowl. I wanted to impress every man in the place, Mike, in particular. He surely would be there and it let him know that I was interested and available.
It sent the wrong message to every man in the place, but this was what I wanted. I was a little pissed at Andy and he needed to learn that I was a grown woman and made my own decisions. It’s strange that we only realize our mistakes after the fact, sometime.
I had liked the way Mike had come on to me by the pool. It would be fun to flirt with him, even let him hold me tight while dancing.
“Anita, don’t you think that you are overdoing it with this dress?” Andy asked.
“No. I like myself this way and you should be proud of having a sexy wife to parade around.”
But deep inside, I was a little pissed at his criticizing the way I dressed. I can’t explain why. He was right. I was overdoing it. I wanted to let Mike know that he could have me, not tonight, but during our stay here. Tonight was for Andy even if I was a little pissed at him.
We had a couple turns on the dance floor and a few drinks. I had more than Andy. I was in a good mood and wanted to enjoy the weekend. Andy tried to tell me to go easy on the drinks. I brushed him off.
Mike came to our table and asked for a dance. I immediately accepted and let him hold me tight and even rub my ass and back. I rubbed my tits on his stomach and my belly on his crotch. I was getting horny. Andy was going to have quite a night later. As we headed back to our table, he said, “You should not deprive my friend Ralf from the pleasure of dancing with you.”
I headed back to dance with his friend. He was even more enterprising than Mike. He tried to push his knee between my legs. I gave in a little room, but not much. As we came back they invited me to sit and have a drink with them.
“I will go and tell my friend and be back.” Again, I referred to my husband as my friend. This was no slip. I was letting Mike know that Andy was not that important. What possessed me to refer to Andy as my friend, to this day, I can’t figure out. Except to let them know that I was available as I wanted and was later pointed out to me.
“Andy, they invited me for a drink. I will go for just one.”
“You should not go, Anita. You are pushing things too far this time.”
This got me upset. I like to think that it was the drinks. I now know that it was not. But I made a stupid decision to show him I was my own woman. I did not need my life run by him. I was in control and could handle the situation. I was not going to fuck them tonight, just maybe set it up for later.
Tonight belonged to Andy I had to save my marriage first of all. We were here for four days. There would be an opportunity to make out with Mike and his friend before we left. If it was planned right, Andy would never know. The drinks were beginning to cloud my judgment, but not completely. I knew that this was very wrong.
I went back to have a drink at their table they had their hands on my lap every chance they got. I finally got up and went back to join Andy. He did not seem happy. After I sobered up, I realized that he was more hurt than mad.
“Anita, you have to stop this now. We have to leave”
It sounded like an order and pissed me off more. He had to learn that I was an adult not a little girl he could order around.
“I will have a few more dances and then we can leave.”
I went back to dancing with them and had one more drink at their table.
“My friend wants us to leave, but I am having fun and want to dance some more.”
“You know, Anita, it would really be fun to give him a lesson and come to our room for a drink before calling it a night.”
Even in my half drunken state, I knew this was a very bad idea. I was aroused stupidly decided I would have one drink with them in their room and then go and give Andy a night of fucking he would never forget. I went back to our table.
“Andy, they invited me for a drink in their room to end the evening.”
“You are not seriously considering going, on top of everything else tonight. I don’t want you to go.”
This somehow pissed me more. I was not a kid to be told what I could or could not do.
“Not only I am considering it, I am going. I will not tolerate jealousy, Andy.”
I knew he was mad at me, but he needed the lesson. The look on Andy’s face woke me up enough to decide that fucking Mike was not a good idea. I probably should not go to their room for a drink. I had to get control of myself. I was here to fix my marriage, not end it.
On the other hand I had just put Andy in his place. I promised the guys I would have a drink in their room. I would then go back to Andy. I had decided that this would be the end of it.
To this day, I don’t fully understand my actions that night. The Psych I saw for a while after the fiasco, concluded that being an only child, I was a spoiled immature egoistical woman at the time and believed I was asserting my independence, without considering the consequences. The worst shock and painful thing he made me realise was that I had made my decision in the afternoon to fuck Mike when he came on to me and did not care if I had to take on his partner, too. As a matter of fact, I hoped this would be so, even if at the time I found all sorts of rationalization to avoid facing this.
He had no explanation for my referring to my husband as my friend, except, I wanted to have a night of sex with two guys and let them know that I was available. In my half drunken state and being pissed at Andy, my judgment was out the window. It seemed like a small thing to me. After all, it would be just a drink, and then I would go back to our room.
With that, I went and told the guys I was going with them. As we left I looked at Andy and again saw a great pain in his eyes, but my drunken state prevented me from noticing it. I wondered why he was so upset with me going for just a drink. My drunken fuzzy mind convinced me that after a drink I would go back to our room fuck Andy’s brains out and all would be okay.
It was only later, remembering the details of the evening, I realized the pain and disgust in his eyes. I had a moment of almost sanity and wished he would get up and stop me before we reached the elevator, but this only lasted a few seconds. I would have probably refused to go with him, if he had tried to stop me.
As we got to their room, I had another moment of sanity and was about to turn around and go back to Andy, but Mike took me in his arms and kissed me hard. In the state I was in, I responded as he led me into the room. Ralf got my dress open and my tits out of my bra to suck my nipples while Mike was kissing me. I was so hot that I helped them undress me and get undressed themselves.
As soon as I was naked, I was pushed on the bed and Mike got between my legs. I had a fleeting thought for Andy and knew this was very wrong. I should push him off me and leave. But, I saw his big cock. I lost all control. I spread my legs to give him access. He was big and I needed a cock in me. Ralf got on his knees next to my head and I wasted no time in opening my mouth to take him. Mike fucked me hard and fast. I had some orgasms.
After he dumped his load in me, he traded places with Ralf. I did not resist. I needed more fucking. I licked and sucked Mike clean and then hard again. Ralf dumped another load of cum in me. This time I had a big screaming orgasm.
Mike told me to get on my knees, lubed my ass and took my back hole. I remember some pain. He was not slow and gentle, but it was good. I like my back hole filled. By the time he was done, Ralf was ready to go again and took his place. I was having multiple orgasms. While Ralf was doing my ass, Mike got drinks. As soon as Ralf was done he handed one to me. I was thirsty and drank it down almost in one swallow. For a while both of them kissed me sucked my nipples and thighs and caressed my pussy with their hands. I was getting all aroused again.
I had a little break of sanity and tried to get up and leave, but Ralf pushed his fingers in my cunt I lifted my hips to get his fingers deeper in me. He really loved that. He finger fucked me while I sucked Mike again, this time swallowing his cum. Mike moved and Ralf got between my legs and gave me the hardest fucking I had ever got. I came and screamed like a banshee. It was a really good orgasm.
I don’t know how long I was fucked in all my holes, but in the end Mike served another drink, while we rested. They fell asleep exhausted I had a fleeting thought of leaving while they slept, but was too tired. I needed to rest a bit first. I fell asleep.
I woke up with Mike sucking my tits and massaging my pussy. I was hot before being fully awake. Another session of hard fucking followed. I wanted to leave. The effect of the liquor was fading and I was beginning to realize the full impact of what I had done. It was a little late to cry rape and I concluded that the faster I satisfied them the faster I could leave. And, to my shame I was enjoying the sex. It was dirty and slutty, but it was giving me fantastic orgasms.
Finally everyone relaxed and I told Mike I would have to go. He said okay, but we should have another drink before I left. I figured that this would make them happy and I would go. As I was having the drink I could see Mike’s big cock getting hard. This aroused me again. Maybe the drink had something to do with it, but I wanted to be fucked again. Mike asked if I would give them a blow job before leaving. I agreed.
Mike prepared another drink, to get everyone in the mood, as he said. I seemed to be in a bad dream. I knew this was very wrong. I should not be here. I should leave. On the other hand, I was so aroused I needed release in the worst way.
I then gave each a blow job while the other finger fucked me. I lost it a bit. They again had all my holes and finished by a D/P. To my shame, I remember enjoying all of it and having a big orgasm. By the time it was over, I was so tired and sore I wondered if I would be able to walk straight. I laid back on the bed to rest and fell asleep again.
When I woke it was full daylight. This time I was sober and reality hit with a vengeance. I jumped out of the bed and got dressed. Ralf woke up and tried to get me back on the bed, He took me by the arm and pulled me to the bed. I grabbed the lamp on the night table and hit him over the head and ran out of the room.
All the way to my room, I was crying. What had I done to Andy? Now, I was sober, I remembered the look in his eyes as I left to go with Mike and Ralf. It was not jealousy. It was a look of a man in deep pain, a man destroyed. I had done that to him, the nicest man in the world I had hurt him badly probably destroyed him. How would I get him to forgive me?
I would throw myself on my knees at his feet begging for forgiveness as soon as I walked in the room. I walked in the room slowly, with hesitation. It was empty. Andy was not there. I looked at my watch, it was after nine A.M. The bed was made-up. Maybe he was down for breakfast and the maid had made the bed. Then, I noticed that the dress I had left on the bed last night was still there untouched. I realised that he had not slept here. On top of the dress I noticed a piece of folded paper. It was a note. I opened it with hesitation. I dreaded what it would be.
I hoped you would change your mind, but you did not. I am going home. I don’t care what you do or where you go. I left you the car, I took a rental.
That was all not even a signature. I sat on the bed and cried for a long time until there were no more tears left. My stomach was empty from my frequent trips to the bathroom to be sick. His phone was off. I could not reach him.
By being a stupid slut I had hurt a good man who did not deserve to be hurt and probably lost him.
“That was the big shock I told you about, Shane. It hit me like a freight train going full speed.”
I finally managed to stop crying and emptying my stomach. I showered and made myself presentable enough to go inquire at the desk as to when Andy left. It was a little after nine, last evening. I could stay until Sunday after supper. The room was paid until then. He had waited for over an hour to see if I would come back.
I packed and left. Mike saw me and apologized for Ralf and asked if I would stay. Ralf was leaving and he would be alone, the following night. I declined and walked out to my car. I still did not fully realize that I had lost Andy for good. My mind refused to accept that. But I fully realised remembering the look on his face and the tears in his eyes, that I had hurt him badly. I had not noticed that at all last night as I left to go to Mike’s room.
It took me over three hours for the normal two hours drive home. Every so often I started to cry again. A lot more for the pain I had caused Andy than for my lost. I still refused to accept the fact that I had lost him. I had to stop to let my eyes dry enough to see the road. I finally got home, as I walked in. Andy was coming down the stairs with two suitcases. I ran to him saying,
“I am so sorry,” to throw myself in his arms. He pushed me back firmly.
“Anita, I don’t want to touch you, look at you or be around you.”
“Please, I am so sorry, Andy. Listen to me. It was a horrible mistake on my part.”
“This was no mistake, Anita. You had been flirting with one of them all afternoon by the pool and you chose a dress to send the message that you were available, over my objections. They did not drag you by the hair to their room.”
“Please, I did not plan for things to go that far. I am sorry. I beg you not to leave me now and forgive me for hurting you so bad. You are not to blame. It is entirely my fault. I am sure we can find a way to get over this.”
“Don’t give me b/s, Anita. You did not try to reach me until close to ten o’clock this morning. You were with them all night. It was not a little mistake. This was a slut and a whore enjoying herself being double ganged. And, to do that in front of me? I wonder how many times when I was not around you did something like that or worse.”
I was not yet ready to admit to everything. I still believed that if I could convince him that this was the first and only time. I still had a chance of saving my marriage.
“That hurts, Andy. I am not a slut or a whore. I had never cheated on you before last night. It was a mistake. I lost control of the situation. I know that you warned me before that my flirting would get me in trouble. I swear that those days are over.”
“Why did you not stop me, Andy?”
“Because I realised that if you were brazen enough to do what you did with me present, you were used to doing a lot worse when I was not around.”
“Please Andy I swear it was the first time I did anything like that. I have never cheated on you before. I admit that I like to flirt and sometimes let it go quite far, but I never cheated on you before last night.”
“Then, I return the question to you. You are my wife. Why did you not refuse to have a drink at their table and follow them to their room? You could have stopped it too.”
Except for crying louder, I had no answer to that.
“And, can you explain why you dressed the way you did over my objections, unless it was to let them know that you were available. And then, decided that you would go and fuck them and told me to my face that you would not put up with jealousy and would go with them anyway. After hearing that, there was no more reason for my stopping you. You made very clear what your intentions were, and your mind made up.”
Again, I had no answer. This hit me like a punch in the stomach. He was right. I had decided in the afternoon that I would fuck Mike during this week-end and his friend too if the opportunity arose. I just had not really planned to do it that night. My intention was to let him know I was available and set-up a time and place to get together with him and his friend. This had really been hurting me. Why I had done that? I had tried to rationalize it. There was no reasonable explanation, except that I had in fact planned to cheat. I was a slut that did not deserve a good husband like Andy. I had not realised that up to now.
“I need to be away from you now, Anita. A piece of advice, get yourself tested. I will. I don’t believe it was your first time and I am sure they did you bareback.”
“There is no reason for you to get tested Andy I swear I never cheated on you before last night.”
He picked up his suitcases and left me crying on the sofa, totally destroyed. I could not reach him. He changed his cell number and took vacation time from work. I heard from him two weeks later when I was served with a petition for divorce . It nearly killed me. I still could not talk to him. All communications were through the lawyers. The divorce went smoothly. He was fair and I had no fight left in me. I was a walking zombie.
My mom took me in. She was not sympathetic to my cause, but I am her only child. What she had to say about my character and intelligence were not compliments.
I did get tested and I had an infection, due to, according to the doctor someone going from my rectum to my vagina without protection or cleaning up. Luckily it was easily treated with antibiotics.
A friend of my mother said that I did this because I was drunk. I don’t believe that. There was no need. I was willing and available and had made it clear to them by the way I dressed and acted. There is not an excuse that justifies my actions, considering the facts. I had been cheating before that starting with my first visit to Aunt Julie. It does not explain my flirting by the pool or my dressing the way I did, or the fact that I was not indifferent to Mike’s charms. I wanted to see him and dance with him and fuck him during the week-end. Or my telling them that Andy was just a friend. I thought at the time, I said it so they would keep asking me to dance. Maybe, but it sure sent a different message. I was not so sure now. I think it was to send the message I was available, as I later realised and admitted to myself
Until I sat with them, the only drinks I had were with Andy. I saw the waitress prepare and bring the first drink I had at their table. I drank it there. No one touched it, I am sure. I was not there when the second one was ordered. I had probably three drinks in their room, between fucking sessions. Not enough to use being drunk as an excuse I knew what I was doing, even if I had a few to many drinks.
But, using that as an excuse is too easy. And, I don’t believe it. We all drank straight from the bottle in turn at some point during the night. But again I stayed because I enjoyed the sex with two men. Not because I was too drunk to realize what I was doing. Drunk does not explain my getting in the situation I ended up in. I had planned this from the afternoon when I flirted with Mike. I only realised all this after six months of analysis with my Psych.
I did all this willingly and planned most of it. I am the only one responsible. It was not easy to come to that conclusion and accept it.
I next saw Andy two years later, at a mutual friend’s wedding. To my surprise, he was civil to me and even sat with me. He was alone too. I was still living with my mother. I had no date and was not dancing I could not go near a dance floor without remembering that night when my life ended.
“Andy, will you ever forgive me.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, Anita. A man cannot live with hate without destroying himself.”
“Is there ever a chance of us getting back together?”
“Anita, I would never know what you are doing behind my back, given what you proved you could do in front of me that particular Friday. I still believe that you had done a lot worse when I was not around to see it. To forgive does not mean to forget, Anita.”
It was too late for lies and anyway I had no hope of getting him back judging by his answer.
“To clear my conscience Andy you are right, it was not the only time.”
I could say no more I ran out of the place. I went home and cried for a week
A few months later, I ran into his cousin Mark. They are closer that brothers. I was coming out of the hairdresser.
“How are you Anita?
“Not very good. I am still not over loosing Andy and my stupidity.”
“He still loves you. He has been dead inside since the divorce.”
“I still love him too. Please tell him. I have been celibate since that night, Mark. No more dancing or flirting or even dating”
“I know, Anita. I am the chief of detectives in this town,” he said with a big smile.
I did not hear from Andy. I was discouraged. About a year and a half later I went for a walk. My Mom lives pretty close to the bar where I used to go with Andy. I sometimes walk there and stay outside in front, remembering the good times and doing a little crying, regretting how I badly hurt a good man and also feeling sorry for myself. I think maybe in the hope of seeing Andy go in or out. I know he sometimes goes for a drink. Mutual friends tell me he does not date.
I was standing there with tears in my eyes when I felt a presence behind me and a voice.
“Nice to see you here. Are you going in?”
I turned around.
“Andy! No I never go in, I just stand here remembering the good times and then go back to Mom’s.”
“You have been crying. Come in I will buy you a drink.”
“Do you think I should? I am not dressed to go out.”
I lost all interest in dressing or making myself up since my divorce.
“I am in jeans and T-shirt. Come.”
I was so happy that I almost tripped over my own feet following Andy in the place.
We turned a few heads going in. People knew we were divorced. We sat at a table in the back and ordered. I ordered a soft drink.
“I cut down on my drinking, Andy.” As a matter of fact, I hardly touched the stuff anymore, except for maybe a glass of wine with a meal.
“I heard. You are not seen much around town, where do you hide?”
“I am still in therapy once a month, Andy. I hardly go out anymore. How about you?”
“I sometimes come here for a quick drink, no social life to speak of.”
I had heard that he was not dating.
“I heard you no longer work at your old place?”
“The Firm I worked for was taken over. The new owners started to cut staff and pile the work on those that were left. I quit and now work for a smaller firm owned by a woman. She treats us like family. She is funny, she calls us her little girls but she is younger than most of us.”
We were silent for a while.
“And you Andy, still with the same firm?”
“Yes, I got a promotion and bought a piece of land and a cottage up north. I have pictures in my cell. Here, I will show you.”
The place looked nice and peaceful on a beautiful lake with mountains in the background.
“I go there by myself to relax and reflect, Anita.”
At this point a man came to our table. I knew him from the past he was a very good dancer and I used to take every opportunity to dance with him.
“Anita, I have not seen you in a long time, how about a dance?”
“A rain check then, for the next one?”
“No rain check for the next one or any other. I am sorry. Thanks for asking.”
This seemed to surprise both him and Andy. Andy gave me a questioning look.
“Andy my dancing and flirting days have been over since that fateful night.”
“You no longer enjoy dancing?”
“There is only one man in this world that could get me on a dance floor now, Andy.”
“Who is that, John Travolta?”
“No. The man is sitting across from me at this table.”
“If you feel that way. I am no better dancer than I was, but will you accept to dance with me for a few dances?”
“It would be my pleasure, sir.”
We danced and talked over drinks for a good part of the evening.
“Anita, I am hungry. How about we go across the street to Maxine’s for a smoked meat?”
After that, he walked me to my Mom’s place holding my hand. I was walking on air.
At my Mom’s place, I was trying to decide if I should ask him in for coffee. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a long very tight hug and kissed my forehead.
“Anita, could I call and maybe see you again?”
I was so overcome by joy and emotions, I could not utter a word in response. He took that as a no and let me go turning to walk away.
“It is okay, Anita. I understand.”
I managed to get my voice back and grabbed his arm.
“Andy, please. Call me at any time and you can see me whenever you want to.”
He took a card from his wallet and wrote on it.
“This is my private cell number. You can call anytime you feel like it.”
“I still have the same one. Do you remember it?”
“Yes I do.”
With that he hugged me again for a longer time, kissed my cheek and left. I stood by the steps looking at him go with tears in my eyes, but tears of joy. I had reconnected with the man I loved. It was a fragile connection, but he no longer hated me.
I went in the house singing and dancing. I told my Mom about the evening. She cautioned me not to get my hopes up too much. It had only been one evening, but he had asked to see me again. I was on cloud nine.
He called me twice during the following week, just to talk and invite me out for the next Friday evening. I bought new dresses, conservative, but nice and renewed my make-up kit. I had seriously neglected that in the last three and a half years. I wanted to look nice for him, not like a woman on the prowl or slutty, just nice. During the following months, he invited me often for a drink and dinner after work.
Friday and Saturday evening out became a regular thing. Maybe taking me to all these places where there was dancing and lots of men was a sort of test for me. If so, I don’t begrudge Andy doing it, considering my past. We have not been celibate with each other during the last couple of weeks. This was a long time in coming and awkward at first for the both of us.
My dressing and making myself up better got some men coming on to me. I was finished with the flirting and dancing. I turned them down, politely, but firmly. I no longer found the game exiting. If polite did not do it, I had very little patience and was a lot less polite and more firm.. As I said before, Andy did not dance much, so seeing me sitting at a table, I got lots of offers to go for a dance. I never accepted. It was my choice, not just to please Andy. I danced only with him.
Maybe I had matured during my almost four years of loneliness, pain, regrets and misery. Especially pain and regrets for the hurt I had brought to Andy. The misery had made me into an adult. The immature spoiled little girl of four years ago, who liked to play dangerous games was no more. She was dead.
For now we have not talked about any future. But, having Andy back in my life, if only for the occasional date, is more than I had ever hoped for and more than I deserve.
This coming weekend is a long one. Monday is a holiday. Andy asked me to spend it at his cottage. He told me that I would be the first woman to go there with him. I hope and pray that this will be a new beginning and the end of my almost four years of hell. I don’t imagine those years have been much better for him.
“Well Shane, this is my sad tale. As I told you in answering your question, having two men may be a thrill but it is definitely not worth the cost. You have no idea how my conscience bothers me even today. I relive my past sometimes and the hurt I brought to Andy back then and I still cry myself to sleep.”
We again promised each other that we would stay in contact and went on our way.
I look forward to the week-end at Andy’s cottage but with a certain fear, I have the feeling that it will be make or break time.
I Hope and Pray.
Qui Vivra Verra.
The weekend at the chalet was not easy. Especially the first time we talked. We had a long and frank conversation about everything. For me, this was really difficult, reliving the past hiding nothing but it was a good cleanup for the soul.
The next three days were heaven. I moved in with Andy. The week after we came back. To my joy and the relief of my Mom.
I moved in to see how things would go. No promises of anything for the future. That was two years ago. We are still officially taking things one day at the time but the ties are being rebuilt slowly.
On Fridays after work, the girls and I get together at a small café for a few drinks before going home. I go and wait for Andy to pick me up. Some of the guys think I am a cold fish. I never accept to dance. I don’t care what they think. I no longer see any fun in dancing and flirting with guys.
Sometimes, Andy says he is tired and phones to tell me he won’t pick me up, but wait for me at home. I guess the trust is coming back. I make extra sure that his trust is deserved and tell him everything that goes on when he is not there.
Last Christmas, a client company invited all of us girls to their party but alone. We could not bring a guest. One of the married girls and I told my boss, Francine under these conditions, we were not going. To my surprise, she said we were right. This particular company has more men than women working there and they wanted women at their party. She would have been disappointed if the two of us had accepted. The other girls are single, so they went to the party
This is quite a change for me. A few years back, I would have jumped at the chance for a night of dancing and flirting by myself and possibly taking a man to bed. This time the mere thought almost turned my stomach. I was not even tempted to go.
We are not making any plans for the long term yet. We are happy taking things slowly and rebuilding our life.
The story of my friend Anita
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