About TexDrifter

Hey, glad you stopped by. Obviously, Tex Drifter is a pen name/alter-ego and not an actual person (sorry to all you clown fetishists, but move on...you're fuckin' creepy).
Anyway, long, anticlimactic story behind the clown, so I'll probably never tell you unless we become really good friends.
On the other hand, I would love to talk/chat about almost anything else. I'm interested in finding other authors to bounce ideas around with and compare notes and criticisms. I like all kinds of work and all kinds of styles. I, like most writers, go through periods of creativity when the pages fly from my fingertips, as well as periods of downtime where I couldn't pull off writing a parking ticket. Just the way it works. So, if you don't see anything for a while, no I didn't die. I just don't have anything to say at the moment.
I love getting feedback on my stories and poetry. Whether it's good or bad makes no difference. The bad feedback usually stings a little but also teaches more. I'm always looking for people with intelligent comments one way or the other. Probably the best way to get to know me is to talk about writing. Whether it's yours or mine, nothing I like better than picking something apart and making it better.
However, if the best you can pull off is something like, "hey why you no make him fuk her mouth good," probably just fuck off, we got nothin' to talk about.
Ok. That's it for now. Hope to meet some of you and get to know each other.

Tex Drifter
Relationship Status:
I can blast out a laundry list of hobbies, but they are all mostly time killers and fillers....There isn't a single hobby that surpasses the thrill of new passion or the familiar touch of an experienced lover....If you disagree then you have had a truly sheltered sex life and I pity you deeply...
Favorite Books:
Eclectic. Everything from cheap, magazine smut to classic literature.
Favorite Authors:
I'm kind of a writer-geek in that the writing style is more interesting than the story. I find myself drawn to conversational authors and I write the same way.
John Grisham is a favorite...just read 'Let's pretend This Never Happened' by Jenny Lawson and really enjoyed her...felt like I was reading a female version of myself...
Favorite Movies:
Nothing I'm proud of. Anything crudely funny can top my list at any given time.
Favorite Music:
Classic rock, blues based rock, outlaw country. Guns 'n' Roses, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Texas country, pretty much anything except rap.
Date Joined:
02 Aug 2013
Last Visit:
20 Jul 2016
Page Viewed:
12,521 times
Days in Chat:
Days on Site:
Forum Posts:
Latest Forum Posts
Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 04 Jul 2014 05:50

The hotline is off-line. I'm pulling the plug for now. I appologize to those who have posted and have not yet gotten a response. If I resume answering posts, they will be the first ones answered.

Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope y'all had as much fun as I did. Thanks for giving the evil clown a place to come out and play. Unfortunately the forums seem to be a hotbed for drama, personal vendetta, stalking, and sniping lately. I'm not interested in any of that bullshit so I'm gonna go back to hanging out with my friends and occasionally writing stories and poetry.

One final piece of advice: If one of the passive-aggreessive morons around here attacks you, stalks you, harasses you, or somehow finds a way to constantly get under your skin, just ignore 'em. I know that sounds a little weak, but it's really the only effective way to deal with them. There is no "winning" an argument with some twit who is only here for the sake of argument and stirring shit in the first place. They'll never see your logic, your point of view, or respect your opinion because their agenda has nothing to do with truth or finding answers. They only seek to feel a false sense of empowerment in their powerless, meaningless, little lives by flipping shit constantly and then playing the poor, wounded victim when someone has enough and flips it back. Don't waste your time flipping it back. It'll only cause you unnecessary headaches and give them the silly little thrill of producing the emotional response they were looking for. Best course of action? Ghost 'em. Nothing drives a shit stirrer crazier than being ignored.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Hope you had a few too, and as always, thanks for playin' along.

Posted: 01 Jul 2014 13:48

Happy Birthday, Dollface. Sorry I don't have a groovy-cool pic to post, but I'm stuck on my dumfone. Besides, how many clowns can you really stand in one day anyway, right?

Hope you had a wonderful Bday in spite of all the craziness. And I hope you wore some safety goggles and a fireproof apron when you blew out ALL THOSE CANDLES ;)

Love you,

Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 19 Jun 2014 04:43

Dear Tex,

Is it true that only 2 things come from Texas? In case you aren't sure of what they are, they rhyme, LOL!!

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

Dear Centerpiece,

Thanks for your call. I would apologize for taking so long to answer, but you fucked up and forgot to quote a “next caller” post, so fuck you…no apology needed. I know it’s your first time on the show, so I’ll be gentle.

The simple answer to your simple-minded question is no. Texas is a huge state that is diverse in everything from geography to culture to economics to technology. We export everything from agricultural products like cotton, beef, and soybeans to industrial goods including oil, natural gas, and all kinds of refined crude oil products (fuck hybrid cars, we dig the gas guzzlers). We’re even pretty high tech for a buncha cowboys. Ever heard of NASA? Houston ain’t just the radio call sign of the astronauts home base…it’s also the actual location.

Texas has a very diverse population as well. People of almost every race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and creed come from Texas. I could quote a buncha boring-assed statistics, but that would require research and you really ain’t worth the fuckin’ trouble, Hun. Not to mention, we both know none of this really answers your lil’ ol’ question, does it?

What you wanna know is if the line from all those old war movies is true. You know the one. Some crusty old drill sergeant asks some new recruit where he’s from and the recruit says, “Texas.”

The drill sergeant then gets in the terrified recruits face and screams, “Only two things come from Texas, that’s steers and queers, and I don’t see no horns on you, boy!!!” Thus implying that the young man is either a hornless steer (a steer is a bull that has been castrated for all you city folk) or that he is gay. Either way, it’s meant to challenge the poor kid to either stand up for himself and be immediately beat down, or cower away and be beat down for being a coward. Fuckin’ drill sergeants.

Anyway, the answer to your lame-assed question is still no. How fuckin’ retarded are you? It would be ridiculous to think that only castrated or gay men came from Texas.

I know…that was a little harsh. Not your fault. It’s all those fuckin’ war movies. Which begs the real question here…What’s a chick doing watching war movies with enough interest to memorize silly little lines like that one? Hmmm?

I have a theory (you knew I would). Wanna hear it? Too fuckin’ bad, I had to sit here and answer this bullshit so you’re gonna fuckin’ well listen. See, I doubt very seriously you served in the military. You just don’t look butchy enough. So, that only really leaves one explanation as to why you’re quoting ‘Full Metal Jacket’ instead of ‘Jerry McGuire’ or ‘P.S. I Love You’ or some other boring, sappy-as-fuck chick flick.

I’m guessing you spent your sexually formative years strummin’ your little nub to war movies because of deep-seeded Daddy issues. You didn’t get the masculine attention you needed from your dear old Dad, so you looked to the big screen to fill that macho void in your life.

Probably started innocently enough, but by the time you reached your late teens and early twenties, you were imagining sweaty platoons of men popping off different kinds of explosions deep in your jungle. By the time you discovered real porn, you were too set in your ways to change. The only thing that got you going was large groups of filthy, animalistic, soldiers with thousand yard stares and sweat-glistening muscles.

But then the movies wouldn’t do it for ya any more either, would they Darlin’? You needed something real. Something tangible. Something that gave you more of a charge than IMAGINING a filthy, sweaty, primal gang-bang. You needed to FEEL it. But with no military bases in sight, what could a girl possibly do?

That’s right. Homeless drifters. Hippies. Hoboes. Carnies. Basically any group of more than five disgustingly dirty guys that you could coax into the shadows for a train ride. All that really mattered was the foul, overwhelming stench of unwashed male flesh and being the object of their full attention (even while they stood in line for their turn).

Ironic thing is that during all the time you’ve spent as the pivot point for vagrant circle-jerks there’s no telling how much Texas crude has painted your face, filled your tank, or lubed your colon. Hell, you’ve prolly been hollowed out by enough Texas long horns to get an honorary degree from UT and don’t even know it. Life’s funny. Ever had the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue? I’d be willing to bet you have. Tip of your tongue, down your throat, up your…well, you get the point.

What I’m saying is this: Any slut that’s been passed around like you have couldn’t possibly have made it through all those tag-team matches without answering this question on her own. Just by sheer law of averages there had to be at least ten or twenty Texans blow a load in you, thus proving to be neither a steer, nor gay.

So, there is only one explanation for the question in the first place. You’re just fuckin’ with me to get on air aren’t you?...Clever girl. Gonna have to keep my eye on you! I get that you have stars in your eyes, but the problem is, I don’t really have enough listeners to even scare up a decent warm-up for the gang-bangs you’re accustomed to. Sorry, Doll, but you’re gonna have to keep working the bukkake porn shoots if you really want your fifteen minutes of fame (more like three minutes cuz everyone just fast forwards to the money shots).

Speaking of the porn set, sorry about the vinyl couch in the green room. Lucky we had enough extras around to peel you off of it. Maybe rinse off before ya stop by next time? You’ll be less sticky and I’m hoping you won’t stink the place up with the scent of cheap, vanilla perfume and stale jizz. We try to run a classy operation down there so try to clean yourself up and show a little respect.

Well, I hope this answered your stupid fuckin’ question, maybe opened your eyes a little, and shed some light on some of the “why’s” you’ve often wondered about; but had too much funky, cheesy cock in your throat to really spend much time pondering the answers. Good luck with the anal retreading. Hope it lasts a little longer than six months this time. And, as always, thanks for playing along.


Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 19 Jun 2014 02:32

Dear Tex,

So Summer is chere even though it's stealen bein Spring. I haven this here problem on my upper portion of my body. I gets all hot and a sweatin it up somethang fierce!
This nasty rash appears on me and turns all infamed and shits but see I wanted to goes to the doctor for some cream. But my ol' man he likes it. He said it gives him somethin new to look at and said my tits got a butter popcorn smell to them nows and makes his mouth water.
I think he done crack his damn head! I hafta know how I can gets him to gives me the money to get this chere rash gone.

Miss Rashatits

Dear Filthy Bitch,

Thanks for callin’ in. Sorry it has taken this long to get back to you, but I was on vacation. Been workin’ on my tan down in Jamaica, Mon!!! Love it down there!!! Beats the shit outta hangin’ with you losers.

Idunno if it’s the sun, the rum, the Red Stripe, or the barely bikini-clad bitchez fogging my mind; but, I’m having a helluva time nailing down your accent. I’m bouncing back and forth between Swedish, hillbilly, and plain old Arkansas trailer park? Anyway, I think I have a pretty good fix on your problem and a couple ideas that might help.

First of all, your man is full of shit. Nobody wants to be rubbing up against anything that nasty. Even the most perverted of the pervs shy away from unidentified skin lesions and rashes. Ain’t nothin’ sexy about itchy. He’s just tryin’ to avoid the fuckin’ copay. Or the extra gas to take you to the ER that could be spent on generic beer, a fresh trim on his vintage 80s mullet, or old tires to throw up on the roof of the house so it don’t rattle so bad in wind storms.

Point is, you gotta go get that tainted torso of yours looked at by a dermatologist (skin doctor). There are a wide variety of conditions that can cause the symptoms you’re describing. Most are not severe, but, if left untreated. could turn into cellulitis, which is a bacterial infection of the skin that can be very dangerous and even fatal.

There is also an outside chance that you are in the beginning stages of necrotizing fasciitis (commonly called the flesh eating disease). Luckily, if you’re reading this after the long wait for me to get back from a couple weeks of drunkenly ogling bikini babes, you’re prolly in the clear. You’d be dead by now. Fuck, I hope this whole thing isn’t a waste of my time.

My guess? It’s most likely a heat rash caused by a combination of dismal hygiene and lack of decent air conditioning. Get your popcorn lovin’ stud muffin’ to go out and check the pads on the ol’ swamp cooler. Betcha a bottle of calamine lotion the fuckin’ pump quit and the pads are dry. Get the kids to take turns wetting down the pads every hour or so (be sure to have them use the neighbor’s hose to keep the water bill down) and the trailer should be cool and comfy as any big, nice Motel 6 you’ve ever stayed in.

Now that we’ve fixed the heat part, let’s tackle the rash. Your one shower a week isn’t keeping up with the sweaty, skanky stew percolating deep down in the cracks and crevices between your fat rolls and dem big ol’, floppy, backwoods ta-tas. No telling what kind of fungus is growing in and around all your various folds. Whatever it is, the buttery popcorn smell will most likely give way to more of a dockside dumpster aroma if you don’t get it under control soon.

My advice? Wash your nasty ass. See a doctor. Keep your affected areas cool and dry for a few days. Slather on whatever antibiotic ointment the doc pitches atcha from across the room and get yourself healthy again.

How do you get Mullet-man to part with the rash cash? Same way women ALWAYS get what they want outta their chosen beloved. The three Bs. Blowjob, butt-sex, and a bacon sammich. Don’t skimp on the bacon either. With any luck the doc will feel for ya and give ya something for the grease burns down your cleavage and the carpet burns on your knees. Might even score a couple sample tubes of Preparation H. Hell, he’ll prolly give you anything you want to get your filthy ass outta his office. Go nuts. Stock the medicine cabinet with something besides Dollar Store perfume and that funky old comb nobody ever uses.

I hope this helps. Really hope it wasn’t the flesh-eating shit because if it was I just wasted ten minutes for fuckin’ nothin’…and, as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 12 Jun 2014 14:10

Dear Tex,

I have a problem. You see, I like to write fun little stories about some of my rompings, and then I share them with people. However, I recently came up with a little tale for fun to enter in a competition. However, since its a different style then I typically write, my readers seem to have shunned it. What can I do to get my readership back?


Lost the Love

Dear Brain Fart,

First of all, thank you so much for listening and being a supporter of the show. Also, I deeply appreciate you having the courage to be the first to come forward with a REAL problem.

I know I skipped a few posts to answer this one right away (don’t worry, I’ll get to ‘em) but I will always move anything I think might be a serious concern for someone to the top of the stack. I know, it ain’t like you’re really sitting on pins and needles waiting for a fuckin’ clown to give ya advice, but I figure if you come to me with a real problem, the least I can do is get back to you as quickly as possible with a real answer. So, here’s what I think…

From what I gather, you’ve entered a writing competition here on Lush and decided to move out of your comfort zone a little and write something different right? I get it. We all get bored with writing the same old shit now and then. It’s good to push yourself into something new.

Problem is, now your faithful fans, avid readers, and fantasy friends have all left you high and dry on this new genre. Just when you need their support the most, they bail on ya right? I get it. And I think I have a clue what the problem is.

See, you’re a good writer, but also kind of a fuckin’ dumb-ass. Never really noticed it before, but seriously girl, how DO you dye those roots brown? Maybe you just made the age-old female mistake of holding a fart. The damned thing crawled up your spine, curled up in your silly little brain, and turned into a shitty idea.

You have a semi-established fan-base/readership of mostly heterosexual males, right? What isn’t heterosexual males is mostly heterosexual and bi-curious females. Still following my math here? Finally, you probably have a handful of lesbian friends and fans. Wanna know what heterosexual males, heterosexual females, bisexual females, and lesbians ALL have in common? They DON’T GIVE A FUCK about sweaty, hairy-assed, dude on dude sex.

I can only assume you are posing this problem over your new story, ‘Flat Out’. And although I commend you on branching out and challenging yourself by writing a gay male story, I have to say it was a dumb-shit move to do it for the competition. Just not gonna get much interest outta your fabulous faithful.

I’m ashamed to admit that I myself put the notification in my “to do” folder and the fact that it’s a gay male story keeps pushing it to the bottom of my priority list. Shouldn’t be that way, but hey, it’s true. I am sorry, and I will read and score and comment on it before the week is out. I apologize for my shallowness.

Now, before you start hollering homophobe, I want you to know nothing could be further from the truth. Fact is, I’m not afraid of music, but I don’t sit around reading stereo instructions either. Just not interested. I would bet my right nut (least favorite) that the majority of your followers are in the same boat. Not offended or disenchanted…just indifferent to that particular story. I should also point out that one of my best friends on the planet is a lesbian and I also have a token gay male friend just to balance my world against the fuckin’ Politically Correct Police. Actually that’s a lie. I don’t give a fuck about the PCPD, I just dig my friends because they are fun people to be around and are genuinely good people.

So, if any clamdiggers or booty pirates are listening out there, save the fuckin’ hate mail. I don’t give two shits who you pick, lick, or stick. There is nothing on this planet more interesting to me than my own orgasm and nothing less interesting than yours or how you get it. Have fun, be safe, and send the shitty emails to someone who deserves them, might open them, and has a chance of giving a fuck about your little hissy fit tantrum.

Back to Dirty_D’s dirty disaster. My problem with your story isn’t that it’s a fag story. It’s that you didn’t have the foresight to realize it wasn’t a good time to go that direction for a competition. Not if you wanted to get enough votes to win. If you keep writing in that genre and develop a following, who knows? Might win a comp with a queer romp, but until then you prolly won’t get much help from your current followers.

Don’t sweat it kiddo. Your faithful few will come back in droves as soon as you post something more along the lines of what they’re used to. Preferably something with “Fuck” in the title and tagged with anal, first time, and filthy slut. Your celebrity will be resumed without the slightest blemish. I actually have no idea what your norm really is, but I thought I’d just spitball ya a few tried and trues.

Now, as I said before, it was a ballsy move to write a gay male story in the first place, much less enter it in a competition. I appreciate and commend the courage. I’d like to help any way I can and I’ll start by saying this…

Dear everyone listening, watching, reading, or creeping this thread,

I have a favor to ask. If you think this silly little experiment called ‘Tex Drifter’s Hotline’ is a worthwhile form of entertainment, please do me a solid and use the following link to go to Dirty_D’s competition story, ‘Flat Out’ and give it a read and a score .It’d be really nice if you comment and let her know what you think too, but at least score it.


Get the fuck over your silly hang-ups about sweaty-gross mansex (skim over it if you have to) and just read the story with an eye toward writing style and story development. I’m not saying give her a buncha token 5’s. Give her an honest score on the job she did writing the story. I haven’t read it yet either so I’ll be doing the same thing.

It is a lotta work to write a story for Lush (gotta bring you’re A game because there are a lot of good writers here) and it’s very disappointing when you spend the time and effort and no one even gives your work a fair chance. I’d like to see if the folks on this thread can make a difference for her. Ok, part of it is I’d like to see if anyone out there is actually reading this shit.

Basically, my advice to you, Dirty, is this: Any time you feel the urge to veer away from your readers’ comfort zone and branch out into uncharted territory, by all means do it!!! It will make you a better writer and give you a sense of accomplishment. Just don’t do it on a competition. You’ll most likely be disappointed in the outcome.

I truly hope this has helped, and I hope you’ll let me know if you get any nibbles from the tens of fans I have lurking around. If not, I might wanna consider wasting my time on some other hair-brained idea. Thank you again for posting something a little more serious, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.

P.S. All you fucktarded asshats that didn’t click on the link the first time and give the fag story a fair read, go do it now…purty please.

Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 10 Jun 2014 22:21

TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

So, you did not teach me the quote, woke up blonde again this morning. Hmmmmmm. Ok so nevahhhh mind

Here is zee problem. Being of French descent, well, zeeee women here use zeeeee waxes to get rid of Haires. Sometimes, zeeeee razor too
Well, I am zeeee blonde, so I thought I was very clever. I went to Mademoiselle Nair, she has zeeee machine that zaps zeeeeee hair away. Well, all gone voila, except one little stubborn, ohhhh how you say in zeeee Anglais? Ohhh. Zeeee little fuckahhhh. He grows back. Now here is zeeee problem. When Monsieur is on ma honey pot, zeeee hair tickle his nose, his mouth, you know zeeee fuckahhhhhh tickles everyting. It just won't go away. Zo help me with zeee hair problem pahhhhhhleeeeeese.

Thank you mon Chere
Grande bisses
Une blonde Francaise

Dear Follically Frustrated Frenchie,

I’m so elated to have you on the show again. First thing’s first. Gotta get you on board with this whole quote button thing. I never pass on the opportunity to help out a Beautiful, Blonde Bomb-crater such as yourself!! Let’s getcha fixed up, ok Dumplin’?

To quote a post, all ya gotta do is hit the little “quote” button in the upper right hand (that’s the hand ya cup the balls with, Doll) corner of the post you’re hoping to quote. The content of that post will basically be copied and pasted into your text box (don’t worry about it filling up, your box is HUGE and will take everything you can shove in it). Then you just click in the box below the quoted text and add whatever thought was rattling around all that free space beneath your silky, golden locks and between your airtight, well-nibbled ears.

Why would you do this? By quoting the post you’re answering, you clear up any confusion about who you’re talking to and, as an added bonus, it shoots a notification to the timeline of the person you’ve quoted so they know you took the time to comment on their comment.

As for the Hotline, when you quote a “line’s open for the next caller” post, it shows up on my timeline so I know that you’ve posted an all-important, earth-shattering problem that needs some fixin’…like the one you have today…or several days ago…whatever. I’ll answer whether you quote or not, but may not notice it for quite some time if you don’t. Hope this has cleared up the mystery of the quote button for ya, Blondie. Now, on to your little problem…

So, we have a little bit of a language barrier here (I can manage Spanish ok, but the only thing French in Texas is zee fries), but I think I have the jist of your problem. Madame Nair zapped away your bikini-brush-pile, but one twig seems to be resistant to the laser. Keeps hangin’ around and fuckin’ up Monsieur’s French cuisine, right?

Not a problem. I know you frogs have a little trouble with hygiene, but this is a pretty simple fix. Get yourself a pair of tweezers and pluck zee little fuckah. Problem solved until you can get back to Madame Nair’s boutique and have her zap zee leetle bahsterd for good. Now, if you’re a little unsure of your tweezing skills, you should practice by working on zat tre` disgustingique fuckin’ monobrow ya got creeping across your forehead. Or, you could have Monsieur do the dirty work. He can practice on that freaky French tarantula ya got peeking out from around the backside of your thong. If you guys have any questions, I suggest you talk to a couple of your Brazilian friends. They are experts in this area.

Other than that, the only advice I have for you is to stop calling that funky French bait bucket of yours a honeypot. Kudos to Monsieur for taking the southern dive into that olfactory nightmare!!! Personally, I’d rather eat room temperature, three-day-old oysters off the shithouse floor in the dysentery wing of a bordertown jail.

Hope this has helped and as always, mon amour, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 04 Jun 2014 10:36


Dear TexDrifter,

For years I've been searching for a friendly clown to help me clear things up in my not-so-brainy-head. And before my grey matter became a permanent hat holder your expertise and enlightenment will be greatly appreciated.


Dear Asksalottafuckin’questionsatonce,

Hi there. Aren’t you just a curious little pain-in-the-fuckin’-ass? Just a fair warning, Hun, I wouldn’t use that purty little head of yours to hang any hats on. Might squeeze the air out and leave you with an asymmetrical hairline. Just a little fashion tip from your Uncle Tex. Glad you could stop in. Good to hear from ya. Always happy to see new blood on the show. Didja happen to see the fuckin’ rules posted in the lobby by any chance? <img src="/forum/images/emoticons/eusa_doh.gif" alt="d&#39;oh!"> Didn’t think so. Lemme remind you of them here:

<img src="/forum/images/emoticons/readsmallprint.gif" alt="Read it">
First-- Quote the nearest "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions) You pulled this one off, so I’m very proud of you!!!! <img src="/forum/images/emoticons/hello2.gif" alt="hello1">

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite) Again, thank you for your courtesy…good job!! (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one) Uh-oh…we mightta fucked this one up just a skosch, dontcha think, Doll? If nothing sticks to teflon what makes the teflon stick to the pan?
Nothing. If you’ve ever used Teflon pans very much, you know that the fuckin’ Teflon starts peeling off soon after the first egg slides out of it.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Depends on the glue, but most adhesives create a bond through a chemical reaction with air. As long as there isn’t much air in the container, the chemical reaction cannot occur and the adhesive remains in a liquid or gel state. Here’s a fun fact, did you know that most super models use Super Glue for lip gloss? Gives them that perfectly sealed shine all day. You should try it immediately.

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?
Yes. Mainly because it’s wrong to be a fucking vegetarian in the first place. We shouldn’t allow those pale, overly smug, little twits to consume any food that would be better allocated to starving children or used as bait to trap pesky rodents. We’re at the top of the food chain people. Enjoy it. Go out and have a nice, juicy steak and a beer. And if you ever get a chance to hear a Vegan’s explanation for their lifestyle choice, pass. Remind them that no one gives a shit and go on about your merry, meat-eating way.

If people from Poland are called ""poles"" are people from Holland called ""holes?""
No, they are actually called Dutch. Idunno why. But that isn’t the weirdest thing about ‘em by a long shot.

Can you cry under water?
No. I’m a socio-path and incapable of crying. Not sure what water has to do with anything though?

Is there an abbreviation for the word abbreviation?
I dnt know, bt thr shd b. Tht wrd is a nghtmre to spll.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because Americans have no grasp of the English language. They should be called Intrastate Highways, but people are fucking stupid and some of them work for the Govt. Also, because federal money helped build them.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Nope. My imagination is kind of a traditionalist. Sticks pretty much to cool toys, cold beer, and hot chicks that dig anal.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Same way he gets home in the evenings, dumb-ass…He DRIVES THE FUCKIN’ SNOWPLOW!!

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
Same reason we drive on parkways and park on driveways.

What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Cargo containers If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Idunno, but let’s try it a couple hundred times and see….heeeere kitty, kitty, kitty…

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?
Signs don’t say anything, you have to read ‘em

Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?
No. But it is legal to trap them. There are tourist traps all along the coasts. Other than along beaches, I think Indians are the only ones who can trap them legally in most states except for Nevada and New Jersey.

Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Because you spend so much time touching yourself that you’ve gotten used to it.

Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?
Because the prefix “mono” has two syllables and “syllabic” has three. Ya throw ‘em together and simple math works out to five every time. Duh.

Why do they call a building a building when it is already built?
There is no good explanation and I’m thinkin’, no decent joke here either. I could probably think of something funny to say about it, but I lost interest.

If seven-elevens are always open, why do they have locks on their doors?
Because in order to get commercial doors without locks you have to special order them. Custom doors are more expensive. So, they buy the cheap-as-fuck commercial doors that come with locks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
I hope so. Only thing more boring than synchronized swimming is answering endless bullshit questions.

If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?
No!!! Honesty is almost NEVER the best policy. That is a pure myth. Honesty will get you fired, divorced, disowned, and ostracized within 24 hours of making the decision to be completely honest with people. Nobody wants honesty. They want polite lies told with a straight face.

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Nope. Just snot.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?
Almost all of them ARE misspelled. Especially in the European dictionaries. They musta had a shitload of extra “U’s” layin’ around when they wrote them…colour, flavour, humour, etc…Fuckin’ Europeans…

Hope this answers some of your questions adequately. Stop by any time you have A (singular) question, concern, worry, or just need to vent. Evidently there is no level I won’t stoop down to in order to please the tens of fans and appease the fuckin’ producers. And as always, thanks for playin’ along.

Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 03 Jun 2014 16:44

Line's open for the next caller... :-"

Quote this post for an answer...

Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 03 Jun 2014 16:43

Hi Tex

In desperate need of your help

As I was growing up I was an agressive bully, I was arrested several times and eventually received psychiatric help, the basis of this help was,/that I was told I needed to get in touch with my feminine side.
I took this advice and every thing was fine but recently I get the urge to go shoe and dress shopping, this has now become a real problem, as riding my Harley in pencil skirt and 4 inch heels is proving a tad difficult, the other guys in the Chapter are giving me strange looks, and my girl friend has also dumped me coz I dressed better and looked hotter than her.

Please help

Josh (thinking of changing my name to Josephine what do you think ?)

Dear Bullied Bully,

I’m glad you called, I think I can help.

You see, the problem here is that you’ve put too much stock in the bullshit ravings of fucking psychologists. Therapist being spelled THE RAPIST is no fucking coincidence. The truth is that you are an alpha male. Nothing wrong with that, unless you listen to the fucking politically correct, whining twits who have forgotten that, at some point, somebody has to be the fuckin’ muscle.

This is a shining example of the pussification of America. Well, Idunno if you’re in America, but it’s happening all over the world. Labeling strong, alpha type men as bullies. It’s bullshit. Pure and simple. These are the same fucking hippies that tout nature in every other fucking moronic argument they spew, but ignore it here. Almost every species of animal is governed by the alpha male. It’s natural. I’m not saying we can’t separate ourselves from dumb animals, but I do believe we need to stop turning our men into sniveling, whiny, little shits to appease a few weaklings and social outcasts that got thumped on the ears twenty years ago. If not, who are we gonna make into cops and soldiers to protect the weak, whining-assed, social outcasts from being overthrown by REAL bullies who have been professional bullies for hundreds of generations?

What I’m telling you is that you shouldn’t try to change who you are. Maybe channel it a little, but don’t change it. Use your strength and inner drive to do good. Be a protector. Be a leader. Be strong for your friends and family. But don’t deny yourself the joy and happiness of being strong just to appease the weak. You fuckin’ dipshit. What kind of sense does that even make? Feminine side? Really? Listen to yourself. Fuck your feminine side. They told me I had one too. Turns out she’s a cigar chewing, cement truck driving, pussy eating, ho-banging, flannel and cammo wearing, bull dyke named Pat.

So now they have you all fucked up and on the verge of ridin’ bitch behind some patched brother and having to wash his bike on weekends right? Dude, what the fuck are you thinkin’? Idunno what club you’re with, but other than the occasional mouth kiss between members just to show a little class and freak out the fuckin’ squares, bikers don’t generally cop to gay bullshit. This cross dressin’ stuff is gonna be frowned upon in church. Get your head righteous again bro.

My advice to you? The next time you’re on the couch getting mind-fucked into being a pussy, grab your therapist, throw her over the back of the couch, lift her skirt up and show her why women always go for the “bad boy” on the Harley instead of the sensitive guy that cries at fuckin’ chick-flicks. Wipe your dick on her dress when you’re done, tell her thanks for the chat, and that you won’t be needing her services any more. Should she continue to require yours, have her bring a checkbook, two changes of panties and a tube of anal lube by the clubhouse once a week. It’s about time she learns how it feels to take it in the ass and have to pay for it.

I hope some of this sinks in and helps you find your true identity and learn to be at peace with it. Even if our culture has a problem admitting that it’s ok for men to be men. And, as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic: Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted: 03 Jun 2014 16:38

TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

Ok so I'm so blonde I can't figure out how to post the line is open there ya go I need your help!!!!!!!

Thank you desperate and blonde

Dear Blondie,

Don’t talk. Just sit there and look pretty for the radio audience. I’ll handle the phone lines, Doll. Shhhh...


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Stories Published By TexDrifter
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