Forum posts made by texdrifter

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 04 Jul 2014 05:50

The hotline is off-line. I'm pulling the plug for now. I appologize to those who have posted and have not yet gotten a response. If I resume answering posts, they will be the first ones answered.

Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope y'all had as much fun as I did. Thanks for giving the evil clown a place to come out and play. Unfortunately the forums seem to be a hotbed for drama, personal vendetta, stalking, and sniping lately. I'm not interested in any of that bullshit so I'm gonna go back to hanging out with my friends and occasionally writing stories and poetry.

One final piece of advice: If one of the passive-aggreessive morons around here attacks you, stalks you, harasses you, or somehow finds a way to constantly get under your skin, just ignore 'em. I know that sounds a little weak, but it's really the only effective way to deal with them. There is no "winning" an argument with some twit who is only here for the sake of argument and stirring shit in the first place. They'll never see your logic, your point of view, or respect your opinion because their agenda has nothing to do with truth or finding answers. They only seek to feel a false sense of empowerment in their powerless, meaningless, little lives by flipping shit constantly and then playing the poor, wounded victim when someone has enough and flips it back. Don't waste your time flipping it back. It'll only cause you unnecessary headaches and give them the silly little thrill of producing the emotional response they were looking for. Best course of action? Ghost 'em. Nothing drives a shit stirrer crazier than being ignored.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Hope you had a few too, and as always, thanks for playin' along.

Posted 01 Jul 2014 13:48

Happy Birthday, Dollface. Sorry I don't have a groovy-cool pic to post, but I'm stuck on my dumfone. Besides, how many clowns can you really stand in one day anyway, right?

Hope you had a wonderful Bday in spite of all the craziness. And I hope you wore some safety goggles and a fireproof apron when you blew out ALL THOSE CANDLES ;)

Love you,

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 Jun 2014 04:43

Dear Tex,

Is it true that only 2 things come from Texas? In case you aren't sure of what they are, they rhyme, LOL!!

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

Dear Centerpiece,

Thanks for your call. I would apologize for taking so long to answer, but you fucked up and forgot to quote a “next caller” post, so fuck you…no apology needed. I know it’s your first time on the show, so I’ll be gentle.

The simple answer to your simple-minded question is no. Texas is a huge state that is diverse in everything from geography to culture to economics to technology. We export everything from agricultural products like cotton, beef, and soybeans to industrial goods including oil, natural gas, and all kinds of refined crude oil products (fuck hybrid cars, we dig the gas guzzlers). We’re even pretty high tech for a buncha cowboys. Ever heard of NASA? Houston ain’t just the radio call sign of the astronauts home base…it’s also the actual location.

Texas has a very diverse population as well. People of almost every race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and creed come from Texas. I could quote a buncha boring-assed statistics, but that would require research and you really ain’t worth the fuckin’ trouble, Hun. Not to mention, we both know none of this really answers your lil’ ol’ question, does it?

What you wanna know is if the line from all those old war movies is true. You know the one. Some crusty old drill sergeant asks some new recruit where he’s from and the recruit says, “Texas.”

The drill sergeant then gets in the terrified recruits face and screams, “Only two things come from Texas, that’s steers and queers, and I don’t see no horns on you, boy!!!” Thus implying that the young man is either a hornless steer (a steer is a bull that has been castrated for all you city folk) or that he is gay. Either way, it’s meant to challenge the poor kid to either stand up for himself and be immediately beat down, or cower away and be beat down for being a coward. Fuckin’ drill sergeants.

Anyway, the answer to your lame-assed question is still no. How fuckin’ retarded are you? It would be ridiculous to think that only castrated or gay men came from Texas.

I know…that was a little harsh. Not your fault. It’s all those fuckin’ war movies. Which begs the real question here…What’s a chick doing watching war movies with enough interest to memorize silly little lines like that one? Hmmm?

I have a theory (you knew I would). Wanna hear it? Too fuckin’ bad, I had to sit here and answer this bullshit so you’re gonna fuckin’ well listen. See, I doubt very seriously you served in the military. You just don’t look butchy enough. So, that only really leaves one explanation as to why you’re quoting ‘Full Metal Jacket’ instead of ‘Jerry McGuire’ or ‘P.S. I Love You’ or some other boring, sappy-as-fuck chick flick.

I’m guessing you spent your sexually formative years strummin’ your little nub to war movies because of deep-seeded Daddy issues. You didn’t get the masculine attention you needed from your dear old Dad, so you looked to the big screen to fill that macho void in your life.

Probably started innocently enough, but by the time you reached your late teens and early twenties, you were imagining sweaty platoons of men popping off different kinds of explosions deep in your jungle. By the time you discovered real porn, you were too set in your ways to change. The only thing that got you going was large groups of filthy, animalistic, soldiers with thousand yard stares and sweat-glistening muscles.

But then the movies wouldn’t do it for ya any more either, would they Darlin’? You needed something real. Something tangible. Something that gave you more of a charge than IMAGINING a filthy, sweaty, primal gang-bang. You needed to FEEL it. But with no military bases in sight, what could a girl possibly do?

That’s right. Homeless drifters. Hippies. Hoboes. Carnies. Basically any group of more than five disgustingly dirty guys that you could coax into the shadows for a train ride. All that really mattered was the foul, overwhelming stench of unwashed male flesh and being the object of their full attention (even while they stood in line for their turn).

Ironic thing is that during all the time you’ve spent as the pivot point for vagrant circle-jerks there’s no telling how much Texas crude has painted your face, filled your tank, or lubed your colon. Hell, you’ve prolly been hollowed out by enough Texas long horns to get an honorary degree from UT and don’t even know it. Life’s funny. Ever had the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue? I’d be willing to bet you have. Tip of your tongue, down your throat, up your…well, you get the point.

What I’m saying is this: Any slut that’s been passed around like you have couldn’t possibly have made it through all those tag-team matches without answering this question on her own. Just by sheer law of averages there had to be at least ten or twenty Texans blow a load in you, thus proving to be neither a steer, nor gay.

So, there is only one explanation for the question in the first place. You’re just fuckin’ with me to get on air aren’t you?...Clever girl. Gonna have to keep my eye on you! I get that you have stars in your eyes, but the problem is, I don’t really have enough listeners to even scare up a decent warm-up for the gang-bangs you’re accustomed to. Sorry, Doll, but you’re gonna have to keep working the bukkake porn shoots if you really want your fifteen minutes of fame (more like three minutes cuz everyone just fast forwards to the money shots).

Speaking of the porn set, sorry about the vinyl couch in the green room. Lucky we had enough extras around to peel you off of it. Maybe rinse off before ya stop by next time? You’ll be less sticky and I’m hoping you won’t stink the place up with the scent of cheap, vanilla perfume and stale jizz. We try to run a classy operation down there so try to clean yourself up and show a little respect.

Well, I hope this answered your stupid fuckin’ question, maybe opened your eyes a little, and shed some light on some of the “why’s” you’ve often wondered about; but had too much funky, cheesy cock in your throat to really spend much time pondering the answers. Good luck with the anal retreading. Hope it lasts a little longer than six months this time. And, as always, thanks for playing along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 Jun 2014 02:32

Dear Tex,

So Summer is chere even though it's stealen bein Spring. I haven this here problem on my upper portion of my body. I gets all hot and a sweatin it up somethang fierce!
This nasty rash appears on me and turns all infamed and shits but see I wanted to goes to the doctor for some cream. But my ol' man he likes it. He said it gives him somethin new to look at and said my tits got a butter popcorn smell to them nows and makes his mouth water.
I think he done crack his damn head! I hafta know how I can gets him to gives me the money to get this chere rash gone.

Miss Rashatits

Dear Filthy Bitch,

Thanks for callin’ in. Sorry it has taken this long to get back to you, but I was on vacation. Been workin’ on my tan down in Jamaica, Mon!!! Love it down there!!! Beats the shit outta hangin’ with you losers.

Idunno if it’s the sun, the rum, the Red Stripe, or the barely bikini-clad bitchez fogging my mind; but, I’m having a helluva time nailing down your accent. I’m bouncing back and forth between Swedish, hillbilly, and plain old Arkansas trailer park? Anyway, I think I have a pretty good fix on your problem and a couple ideas that might help.

First of all, your man is full of shit. Nobody wants to be rubbing up against anything that nasty. Even the most perverted of the pervs shy away from unidentified skin lesions and rashes. Ain’t nothin’ sexy about itchy. He’s just tryin’ to avoid the fuckin’ copay. Or the extra gas to take you to the ER that could be spent on generic beer, a fresh trim on his vintage 80s mullet, or old tires to throw up on the roof of the house so it don’t rattle so bad in wind storms.

Point is, you gotta go get that tainted torso of yours looked at by a dermatologist (skin doctor). There are a wide variety of conditions that can cause the symptoms you’re describing. Most are not severe, but, if left untreated. could turn into cellulitis, which is a bacterial infection of the skin that can be very dangerous and even fatal.

There is also an outside chance that you are in the beginning stages of necrotizing fasciitis (commonly called the flesh eating disease). Luckily, if you’re reading this after the long wait for me to get back from a couple weeks of drunkenly ogling bikini babes, you’re prolly in the clear. You’d be dead by now. Fuck, I hope this whole thing isn’t a waste of my time.

My guess? It’s most likely a heat rash caused by a combination of dismal hygiene and lack of decent air conditioning. Get your popcorn lovin’ stud muffin’ to go out and check the pads on the ol’ swamp cooler. Betcha a bottle of calamine lotion the fuckin’ pump quit and the pads are dry. Get the kids to take turns wetting down the pads every hour or so (be sure to have them use the neighbor’s hose to keep the water bill down) and the trailer should be cool and comfy as any big, nice Motel 6 you’ve ever stayed in.

Now that we’ve fixed the heat part, let’s tackle the rash. Your one shower a week isn’t keeping up with the sweaty, skanky stew percolating deep down in the cracks and crevices between your fat rolls and dem big ol’, floppy, backwoods ta-tas. No telling what kind of fungus is growing in and around all your various folds. Whatever it is, the buttery popcorn smell will most likely give way to more of a dockside dumpster aroma if you don’t get it under control soon.

My advice? Wash your nasty ass. See a doctor. Keep your affected areas cool and dry for a few days. Slather on whatever antibiotic ointment the doc pitches atcha from across the room and get yourself healthy again.

How do you get Mullet-man to part with the rash cash? Same way women ALWAYS get what they want outta their chosen beloved. The three Bs. Blowjob, butt-sex, and a bacon sammich. Don’t skimp on the bacon either. With any luck the doc will feel for ya and give ya something for the grease burns down your cleavage and the carpet burns on your knees. Might even score a couple sample tubes of Preparation H. Hell, he’ll prolly give you anything you want to get your filthy ass outta his office. Go nuts. Stock the medicine cabinet with something besides Dollar Store perfume and that funky old comb nobody ever uses.

I hope this helps. Really hope it wasn’t the flesh-eating shit because if it was I just wasted ten minutes for fuckin’ nothin’…and, as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 12 Jun 2014 14:10

Dear Tex,

I have a problem. You see, I like to write fun little stories about some of my rompings, and then I share them with people. However, I recently came up with a little tale for fun to enter in a competition. However, since its a different style then I typically write, my readers seem to have shunned it. What can I do to get my readership back?


Lost the Love

Dear Brain Fart,

First of all, thank you so much for listening and being a supporter of the show. Also, I deeply appreciate you having the courage to be the first to come forward with a REAL problem.

I know I skipped a few posts to answer this one right away (don’t worry, I’ll get to ‘em) but I will always move anything I think might be a serious concern for someone to the top of the stack. I know, it ain’t like you’re really sitting on pins and needles waiting for a fuckin’ clown to give ya advice, but I figure if you come to me with a real problem, the least I can do is get back to you as quickly as possible with a real answer. So, here’s what I think…

From what I gather, you’ve entered a writing competition here on Lush and decided to move out of your comfort zone a little and write something different right? I get it. We all get bored with writing the same old shit now and then. It’s good to push yourself into something new.

Problem is, now your faithful fans, avid readers, and fantasy friends have all left you high and dry on this new genre. Just when you need their support the most, they bail on ya right? I get it. And I think I have a clue what the problem is.

See, you’re a good writer, but also kind of a fuckin’ dumb-ass. Never really noticed it before, but seriously girl, how DO you dye those roots brown? Maybe you just made the age-old female mistake of holding a fart. The damned thing crawled up your spine, curled up in your silly little brain, and turned into a shitty idea.

You have a semi-established fan-base/readership of mostly heterosexual males, right? What isn’t heterosexual males is mostly heterosexual and bi-curious females. Still following my math here? Finally, you probably have a handful of lesbian friends and fans. Wanna know what heterosexual males, heterosexual females, bisexual females, and lesbians ALL have in common? They DON’T GIVE A FUCK about sweaty, hairy-assed, dude on dude sex.

I can only assume you are posing this problem over your new story, ‘Flat Out’. And although I commend you on branching out and challenging yourself by writing a gay male story, I have to say it was a dumb-shit move to do it for the competition. Just not gonna get much interest outta your fabulous faithful.

I’m ashamed to admit that I myself put the notification in my “to do” folder and the fact that it’s a gay male story keeps pushing it to the bottom of my priority list. Shouldn’t be that way, but hey, it’s true. I am sorry, and I will read and score and comment on it before the week is out. I apologize for my shallowness.

Now, before you start hollering homophobe, I want you to know nothing could be further from the truth. Fact is, I’m not afraid of music, but I don’t sit around reading stereo instructions either. Just not interested. I would bet my right nut (least favorite) that the majority of your followers are in the same boat. Not offended or disenchanted…just indifferent to that particular story. I should also point out that one of my best friends on the planet is a lesbian and I also have a token gay male friend just to balance my world against the fuckin’ Politically Correct Police. Actually that’s a lie. I don’t give a fuck about the PCPD, I just dig my friends because they are fun people to be around and are genuinely good people.

So, if any clamdiggers or booty pirates are listening out there, save the fuckin’ hate mail. I don’t give two shits who you pick, lick, or stick. There is nothing on this planet more interesting to me than my own orgasm and nothing less interesting than yours or how you get it. Have fun, be safe, and send the shitty emails to someone who deserves them, might open them, and has a chance of giving a fuck about your little hissy fit tantrum.

Back to Dirty_D’s dirty disaster. My problem with your story isn’t that it’s a fag story. It’s that you didn’t have the foresight to realize it wasn’t a good time to go that direction for a competition. Not if you wanted to get enough votes to win. If you keep writing in that genre and develop a following, who knows? Might win a comp with a queer romp, but until then you prolly won’t get much help from your current followers.

Don’t sweat it kiddo. Your faithful few will come back in droves as soon as you post something more along the lines of what they’re used to. Preferably something with “Fuck” in the title and tagged with anal, first time, and filthy slut. Your celebrity will be resumed without the slightest blemish. I actually have no idea what your norm really is, but I thought I’d just spitball ya a few tried and trues.

Now, as I said before, it was a ballsy move to write a gay male story in the first place, much less enter it in a competition. I appreciate and commend the courage. I’d like to help any way I can and I’ll start by saying this…

Dear everyone listening, watching, reading, or creeping this thread,

I have a favor to ask. If you think this silly little experiment called ‘Tex Drifter’s Hotline’ is a worthwhile form of entertainment, please do me a solid and use the following link to go to Dirty_D’s competition story, ‘Flat Out’ and give it a read and a score .It’d be really nice if you comment and let her know what you think too, but at least score it.

Get the fuck over your silly hang-ups about sweaty-gross mansex (skim over it if you have to) and just read the story with an eye toward writing style and story development. I’m not saying give her a buncha token 5’s. Give her an honest score on the job she did writing the story. I haven’t read it yet either so I’ll be doing the same thing.

It is a lotta work to write a story for Lush (gotta bring you’re A game because there are a lot of good writers here) and it’s very disappointing when you spend the time and effort and no one even gives your work a fair chance. I’d like to see if the folks on this thread can make a difference for her. Ok, part of it is I’d like to see if anyone out there is actually reading this shit.

Basically, my advice to you, Dirty, is this: Any time you feel the urge to veer away from your readers’ comfort zone and branch out into uncharted territory, by all means do it!!! It will make you a better writer and give you a sense of accomplishment. Just don’t do it on a competition. You’ll most likely be disappointed in the outcome.

I truly hope this has helped, and I hope you’ll let me know if you get any nibbles from the tens of fans I have lurking around. If not, I might wanna consider wasting my time on some other hair-brained idea. Thank you again for posting something a little more serious, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.

P.S. All you fucktarded asshats that didn’t click on the link the first time and give the fag story a fair read, go do it now…purty please.

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 10 Jun 2014 22:21

TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

So, you did not teach me the quote, woke up blonde again this morning. Hmmmmmm. Ok so nevahhhh mind

Here is zee problem. Being of French descent, well, zeeee women here use zeeeee waxes to get rid of Haires. Sometimes, zeeeee razor too
Well, I am zeeee blonde, so I thought I was very clever. I went to Mademoiselle Nair, she has zeeee machine that zaps zeeeeee hair away. Well, all gone voila, except one little stubborn, ohhhh how you say in zeeee Anglais? Ohhh. Zeeee little fuckahhhh. He grows back. Now here is zeeee problem. When Monsieur is on ma honey pot, zeeee hair tickle his nose, his mouth, you know zeeee fuckahhhhhh tickles everyting. It just won't go away. Zo help me with zeee hair problem pahhhhhhleeeeeese.

Thank you mon Chere
Grande bisses
Une blonde Francaise

Dear Follically Frustrated Frenchie,

I’m so elated to have you on the show again. First thing’s first. Gotta get you on board with this whole quote button thing. I never pass on the opportunity to help out a Beautiful, Blonde Bomb-crater such as yourself!! Let’s getcha fixed up, ok Dumplin’?

To quote a post, all ya gotta do is hit the little “quote” button in the upper right hand (that’s the hand ya cup the balls with, Doll) corner of the post you’re hoping to quote. The content of that post will basically be copied and pasted into your text box (don’t worry about it filling up, your box is HUGE and will take everything you can shove in it). Then you just click in the box below the quoted text and add whatever thought was rattling around all that free space beneath your silky, golden locks and between your airtight, well-nibbled ears.

Why would you do this? By quoting the post you’re answering, you clear up any confusion about who you’re talking to and, as an added bonus, it shoots a notification to the timeline of the person you’ve quoted so they know you took the time to comment on their comment.

As for the Hotline, when you quote a “line’s open for the next caller” post, it shows up on my timeline so I know that you’ve posted an all-important, earth-shattering problem that needs some fixin’…like the one you have today…or several days ago…whatever. I’ll answer whether you quote or not, but may not notice it for quite some time if you don’t. Hope this has cleared up the mystery of the quote button for ya, Blondie. Now, on to your little problem…

So, we have a little bit of a language barrier here (I can manage Spanish ok, but the only thing French in Texas is zee fries), but I think I have the jist of your problem. Madame Nair zapped away your bikini-brush-pile, but one twig seems to be resistant to the laser. Keeps hangin’ around and fuckin’ up Monsieur’s French cuisine, right?

Not a problem. I know you frogs have a little trouble with hygiene, but this is a pretty simple fix. Get yourself a pair of tweezers and pluck zee little fuckah. Problem solved until you can get back to Madame Nair’s boutique and have her zap zee leetle bahsterd for good. Now, if you’re a little unsure of your tweezing skills, you should practice by working on zat tre` disgustingique fuckin’ monobrow ya got creeping across your forehead. Or, you could have Monsieur do the dirty work. He can practice on that freaky French tarantula ya got peeking out from around the backside of your thong. If you guys have any questions, I suggest you talk to a couple of your Brazilian friends. They are experts in this area.

Other than that, the only advice I have for you is to stop calling that funky French bait bucket of yours a honeypot. Kudos to Monsieur for taking the southern dive into that olfactory nightmare!!! Personally, I’d rather eat room temperature, three-day-old oysters off the shithouse floor in the dysentery wing of a bordertown jail.

Hope this has helped and as always, mon amour, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 04 Jun 2014 10:36


Dear TexDrifter,

For years I've been searching for a friendly clown to help me clear things up in my not-so-brainy-head. And before my grey matter became a permanent hat holder your expertise and enlightenment will be greatly appreciated.


Dear Asksalottafuckin’questionsatonce,

Hi there. Aren’t you just a curious little pain-in-the-fuckin’-ass? Just a fair warning, Hun, I wouldn’t use that purty little head of yours to hang any hats on. Might squeeze the air out and leave you with an asymmetrical hairline. Just a little fashion tip from your Uncle Tex. Glad you could stop in. Good to hear from ya. Always happy to see new blood on the show. Didja happen to see the fuckin’ rules posted in the lobby by any chance? d'oh! Didn’t think so. Lemme remind you of them here:

Read it
First-- Quote the nearest "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions) You pulled this one off, so I’m very proud of you!!!! hello1

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite) Again, thank you for your courtesy…good job!! (only one topic per cheating and getting two or three for the price of one) Uh-oh…we mightta fucked this one up just a skosch, dontcha think, Doll? If nothing sticks to teflon what makes the teflon stick to the pan?
Nothing. If you’ve ever used Teflon pans very much, you know that the fuckin’ Teflon starts peeling off soon after the first egg slides out of it.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Depends on the glue, but most adhesives create a bond through a chemical reaction with air. As long as there isn’t much air in the container, the chemical reaction cannot occur and the adhesive remains in a liquid or gel state. Here’s a fun fact, did you know that most super models use Super Glue for lip gloss? Gives them that perfectly sealed shine all day. You should try it immediately.

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?
Yes. Mainly because it’s wrong to be a fucking vegetarian in the first place. We shouldn’t allow those pale, overly smug, little twits to consume any food that would be better allocated to starving children or used as bait to trap pesky rodents. We’re at the top of the food chain people. Enjoy it. Go out and have a nice, juicy steak and a beer. And if you ever get a chance to hear a Vegan’s explanation for their lifestyle choice, pass. Remind them that no one gives a shit and go on about your merry, meat-eating way.

If people from Poland are called ""poles"" are people from Holland called ""holes?""
No, they are actually called Dutch. Idunno why. But that isn’t the weirdest thing about ‘em by a long shot.

Can you cry under water?
No. I’m a socio-path and incapable of crying. Not sure what water has to do with anything though?

Is there an abbreviation for the word abbreviation?
I dnt know, bt thr shd b. Tht wrd is a nghtmre to spll.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because Americans have no grasp of the English language. They should be called Intrastate Highways, but people are fucking stupid and some of them work for the Govt. Also, because federal money helped build them.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Nope. My imagination is kind of a traditionalist. Sticks pretty much to cool toys, cold beer, and hot chicks that dig anal.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Same way he gets home in the evenings, dumb-ass…He DRIVES THE FUCKIN’ SNOWPLOW!!

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
Same reason we drive on parkways and park on driveways.

What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Cargo containers If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Idunno, but let’s try it a couple hundred times and see….heeeere kitty, kitty, kitty…

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?
Signs don’t say anything, you have to read ‘em

Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?
No. But it is legal to trap them. There are tourist traps all along the coasts. Other than along beaches, I think Indians are the only ones who can trap them legally in most states except for Nevada and New Jersey.

Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Because you spend so much time touching yourself that you’ve gotten used to it.

Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?
Because the prefix “mono” has two syllables and “syllabic” has three. Ya throw ‘em together and simple math works out to five every time. Duh.

Why do they call a building a building when it is already built?
There is no good explanation and I’m thinkin’, no decent joke here either. I could probably think of something funny to say about it, but I lost interest.

If seven-elevens are always open, why do they have locks on their doors?
Because in order to get commercial doors without locks you have to special order them. Custom doors are more expensive. So, they buy the cheap-as-fuck commercial doors that come with locks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
I hope so. Only thing more boring than synchronized swimming is answering endless bullshit questions.

If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?
No!!! Honesty is almost NEVER the best policy. That is a pure myth. Honesty will get you fired, divorced, disowned, and ostracized within 24 hours of making the decision to be completely honest with people. Nobody wants honesty. They want polite lies told with a straight face.

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Nope. Just snot.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?
Almost all of them ARE misspelled. Especially in the European dictionaries. They musta had a shitload of extra “U’s” layin’ around when they wrote them…colour, flavour, humour, etc…Fuckin’ Europeans…

Hope this answers some of your questions adequately. Stop by any time you have A (singular) question, concern, worry, or just need to vent. Evidently there is no level I won’t stoop down to in order to please the tens of fans and appease the fuckin’ producers. And as always, thanks for playin’ along.

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:44

Line's open for the next caller... :-"

Quote this post for an answer...

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:43

Hi Tex

In desperate need of your help

As I was growing up I was an agressive bully, I was arrested several times and eventually received psychiatric help, the basis of this help was,/that I was told I needed to get in touch with my feminine side.
I took this advice and every thing was fine but recently I get the urge to go shoe and dress shopping, this has now become a real problem, as riding my Harley in pencil skirt and 4 inch heels is proving a tad difficult, the other guys in the Chapter are giving me strange looks, and my girl friend has also dumped me coz I dressed better and looked hotter than her.

Please help

Josh (thinking of changing my name to Josephine what do you think ?)

Dear Bullied Bully,

I’m glad you called, I think I can help.

You see, the problem here is that you’ve put too much stock in the bullshit ravings of fucking psychologists. Therapist being spelled THE RAPIST is no fucking coincidence. The truth is that you are an alpha male. Nothing wrong with that, unless you listen to the fucking politically correct, whining twits who have forgotten that, at some point, somebody has to be the fuckin’ muscle.

This is a shining example of the pussification of America. Well, Idunno if you’re in America, but it’s happening all over the world. Labeling strong, alpha type men as bullies. It’s bullshit. Pure and simple. These are the same fucking hippies that tout nature in every other fucking moronic argument they spew, but ignore it here. Almost every species of animal is governed by the alpha male. It’s natural. I’m not saying we can’t separate ourselves from dumb animals, but I do believe we need to stop turning our men into sniveling, whiny, little shits to appease a few weaklings and social outcasts that got thumped on the ears twenty years ago. If not, who are we gonna make into cops and soldiers to protect the weak, whining-assed, social outcasts from being overthrown by REAL bullies who have been professional bullies for hundreds of generations?

What I’m telling you is that you shouldn’t try to change who you are. Maybe channel it a little, but don’t change it. Use your strength and inner drive to do good. Be a protector. Be a leader. Be strong for your friends and family. But don’t deny yourself the joy and happiness of being strong just to appease the weak. You fuckin’ dipshit. What kind of sense does that even make? Feminine side? Really? Listen to yourself. Fuck your feminine side. They told me I had one too. Turns out she’s a cigar chewing, cement truck driving, pussy eating, ho-banging, flannel and cammo wearing, bull dyke named Pat.

So now they have you all fucked up and on the verge of ridin’ bitch behind some patched brother and having to wash his bike on weekends right? Dude, what the fuck are you thinkin’? Idunno what club you’re with, but other than the occasional mouth kiss between members just to show a little class and freak out the fuckin’ squares, bikers don’t generally cop to gay bullshit. This cross dressin’ stuff is gonna be frowned upon in church. Get your head righteous again bro.

My advice to you? The next time you’re on the couch getting mind-fucked into being a pussy, grab your therapist, throw her over the back of the couch, lift her skirt up and show her why women always go for the “bad boy” on the Harley instead of the sensitive guy that cries at fuckin’ chick-flicks. Wipe your dick on her dress when you’re done, tell her thanks for the chat, and that you won’t be needing her services any more. Should she continue to require yours, have her bring a checkbook, two changes of panties and a tube of anal lube by the clubhouse once a week. It’s about time she learns how it feels to take it in the ass and have to pay for it.

I hope some of this sinks in and helps you find your true identity and learn to be at peace with it. Even if our culture has a problem admitting that it’s ok for men to be men. And, as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:38

TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

Ok so I'm so blonde I can't figure out how to post the line is open there ya go I need your help!!!!!!!

Thank you desperate and blonde

Dear Blondie,

Don’t talk. Just sit there and look pretty for the radio audience. I’ll handle the phone lines, Doll. Shhhh...


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:36

Mr. Tex,

For the past few years, I have considered myself bisexual and I have enjoyed numerous love making sessions with a few beautiful girls. The touch of a woman is the most heavenly thing I have ever felt. They seem to know exactly where to touch to make my toes curl. I also love the softness of a woman's breast pressing into my body. So there is no doubt that I am walking a very thin line and could fall on the side of full fledged lesbian at any moment.

My problem is, that my latest conquest has shown some interest in partaking in a multi partner sex activity she calls an orgy. She wants she and I to engage in sexual relations with numerous men at the same time. I am not against sex with men, however, in our latest pillow talk, she began talking about having men filling all our orifices at once. You know, one in the front, one in the mouth and one in the rear. I am having some reluctance about having something in my rear. You see, when I was younger, I was constipated something fierce, and my Mama took me to the doctor, and he stuck this little thing up my back side, and I popped all over the room, I mean it was like an over loaded cannon spraying poop all over the walls, ceiling, bed and even the doctor. So my fear is, that if something so small can cause such a mess, something as big as a man's penis will surely make an unforgivable mess.

I want to fulfill my lovers fantasies, but my fear of pooping all over the place has me scared.

Please Mrs. Tex, what should I do?

Alexius Pooperfilled.

Dear Anally Anxious Allie,

Yeah, that’s right, I used your real name. Get in line and sue me.

I would love to answer your question. Something this sensitive should be handled by a very close, dearly cherished, personal friend who cares deeply about your well-being. Unfortunately, you have thus far completely ignored my friend request, so I’m forced to answer as a cold, nameless stranger that doesn’t give a fuck if you live or die. Here goes…

First of all, what the fuck did I tell you fucking call screeners about letting lesbians through? You’re all fuckin’ fired.

Ok, so I see that you have been wearing your little maid’s outfit and sampling all the little jobs offered by male and female clients for the last few years, but lately you’re becoming less and less interested in polishing knobs, and looking to specialize in carpet cleaning only? But your partner still wants to play with broomsticks, mop handles, and the occasional backdoor knob, all while she’s using your little scrub brush too? And, to complicate things, she wants you to participate and you’re afraid it’s gonna be a shitty experience. Is that the jist of your dreadfully dykish dilemma?

I think I can help, but you may not like the answer.

Before we get too deep into this, I gotta point out that an all-you-can-stuff-yourself-with sausage buffet is probably the last place you should consider going if you are seriously thinking of making a full vagitarian lifestyle choice. It can only end badly no matter how it plays out. I know you want to fulfill your lover’s fantasies, but you have to take your own emotional and sexual stability into consideration first. Otherwise you could wind up just being a party favor in someone else’s sexual Utopia.

Participating as a focal point in a no-holes-barred carnal cage match could be emotionally trying for a fledgling fur-burglar. If you participate just to appease your lady lover, you could find yourself feeling meaningless, used, and discarded once everyone else has had their fun and you’re left to rinse degradation, humiliation, and a shitload of jizz out of whatever might be left of your dignity. You’ll begin to question your “roommate’s” true feelings for you and before you know it, you’ll come to the realization that women are much more sadistic users of other women than men ever thought about being.


You may find in the throes of passion that no lesbian tongue could ever make you feel so ful-FILLED as three huge cocks jammed in every orifice while you fervently stroke life into the hardons of the fourth and fifth lucky contestants as they wait their turn to poke a little fun in you. You’ll find yourself questioning your lesbo-logic and before you know it all you’ll be able to think about while your girlfriend’s soft breasts caress your silky skin is how badly you wish it was a rock hard cock slamming into you like a screen door in a hurricane.

Either way, it’s gonna be bad for the relationship if you don’t convince your slutty little love-muffin to keep that fantasy cooped up in the confines of imagination and occasional dirty pillow talk at least until you figure out whether your stance on man-meat is an absolute, bow-legged “yes”, or a definite, cross-legged “no”.

Now, if you do decide to put your bullshit lesbian tendencies aside and jump in the middle of this free-for-all, don’t sweat the sphincter. Your childhood mishap was most likely due to being obstructed and impacted. Unless this is a common thing for you, there is nothing to worry about.

The anus is generally very clean. No shit. Sorry, couldn’t help myself, sometimes I have to throw one of these jokes in here just for me. Anyway, the reachable reaches of your little backdoor will normally be fairly free of fecal matter naturally unless you’re backed up, stopped up, or making the final dash to the ladies room to drop off a deuce that you’ve held til it has become an insistent prairie-dogger.

If you are overly worried about the possibility of getting shitty with your playmates, there are a few things you can do. A couple days before the “event” you can drink a bottle of magnesium citrate. It’s an over the counter laxative that should be banned in civilized countries. This is the stuff they give patients the day before colonoscopies to prevent exactly what you’re concerned about. Just be sure to mark the day off on your calendar and don’t pencil anything in after you drink the stuff because you’ll need to be within 20 feet of a toilet for 24 hours. You’ll know you’re about done when all that’s in the bottom of the bowl is water and a little beach sand. As a bonus you’ll get rid of all that gum you swallowed in Mrs. Hartford’s third grade math class to keep from having to put it behind your ear.

Also, the morning of the Slammerama, you can use an over-the-counter saline enema to give you that fresh and squeaky clean feeling. Although, speaking of squeaky clean, the tag-team booty boning later that day might sound like a lop-sided basketball game. Nothin’ but sneakers squeakin’ and the occasional whistle.

Anyway, either of these or both used together should alleviate any possibility of having a crappy time at your “double-dipped double-dykes” party. At least when your soul cracks and you find yourself crying in the shower, it’ll just be a couple quarts of semen and your dignity circling the drain…and you won’t have to stand in the cold spray waiting for the other guests to wash off the yucky stuff.

My best advice to you is to talk to your lesbo-lover and nix the whole idea for now. If she truly cares about you, she’ll understand. If not, dump the bitch now. Find yourself a sweet, decent waste of a fucking vagina (lesbian) to go clamdigging with. No sense putting yourself through a brutal cockwash before the relationship inevitably falls apart. And ya prolly should just keep your little backdoor closed until you decide for sure that it’s something you really want.

I hope this helps and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:32

Dear Tex Drifter,

So I'm wondering, why oh why do peeps send Selfies if it's not them? I mean if your dick is is only 3 inches then own it, don't stretch that bad boy out to 12 inches. I know I'm blonde, and well, I know I've always been given that finger measuring thingy where this much is 12 inches but anyhooooo. Good grief that thing looked like it could cut me in half it was so big. And besides that, by the time it was all stretched out, that little eyehole looked like a giant mouth. So, please explain to me why do men do this? Don't forget, I'm blonde, simple language no big Doctor terms or any big words ;).

Thank you, gawd this is cheaper than any salon treatment to get my hair colored brunette would be.

Thank you,
Mystified by growing Dicks

Dear Misty-eyed Over Tiny Dicks,

Glad to have you on the show. I can never have enough cute, young, stupid blondes around. You girls make me feel so…well…significant. Thank you so much and I’ll see ya in the green room later. We have this neato magic couch. It not only magically turns from a couch to a bed, but it can magically turn simple, academically-challenged blonde girls into rising young starlets. Lemme know if you’re interested.

Now, about your question. You see, men are not as different from women as you think. We all have our own insecurities and self-image problems fueled by our sexually charged culture and warped by mainstream (and not-so-mainstream) media.

What I mean is, women see fashion models and actresses on TV and in magazines and begin to define feminine beauty by those standards, thinking they have to look and act just like their favorite Hollywood harlot to be sexy or desirable. Men do the same thing.

Problem is, we watch a lot of porn. I mean a LOT of porn. To the point that we really see no use for the internet other than porn. Take porn away from the internet and see how many guys get hooked on fuckin’ Pintrest. Not many. Ok, I know your “sensitive” cousin Crispin might, but that’s a whole other thing you guys are gonna have to accept later on when he comes out of…uh…his shell.

Anyway, guys watch a lot of porn. And in porn, there are no average “tools of the trade”. If they let the average sized dongs into porn, women would have to do every other job on the planet because men would all be porn actors or out-of-work porn actors. So, guys see these enormous schlongs and begin to define themselves by that standard. Most of us do not and will not ever “measure up” to the freaks of nature that are seen drilling for “ohs” in those movies.

So, why do some guys send a fake “selfie” of their little “buddy”? Because by the time the conversation reaches the point of sending pics, he’s already worked out a fairly false description of his manhood…or “boyhood” whatever the case may be…and now that he has to send a pic to back it up he doesn’t wanna admit that when he told you he had a 12” cock, he was actually measuring from the tip of his pee-pee to his asshole. So he searches www.weiners til he finds a big, beautiful boner that will still make him look like the stud he’s pretending to be. Save, send, the fantasy and the phallicy still intact.

I don’t know for sure, but I would guess that most of these guys are younger wannabe studs that haven’t really figured women out yet. They still associate real women with the monster-cock hungry porn starlet who is paid very handsomely to paint an “oh yes” across her face while 14 inches of genetic mutation pounds on her backdoor like the Po-lice serving a warrant. They have no idea that under the “give it to me harder and deeper” facade is an overly-materialistic 19 year old desperate to get her face painted with something stickier than the “oh yes”, grab her paycheck, and get to the mall before it closes.

It generally takes guys a few years (maybe decades) to figure out what really turns women on. Don’t be too hard on them though, they try. Besides, even blondes have to go through their own learning processes sexually. I mean, remember when your friends told you about vibrators and you couldn’t wait to try them? Then you were disappointed to find out that all they did was chip your teeth? See, guys have their little crosses to bare sexually too. Give ‘em a break.

So, he sent you a pic of something more interesting than his own “package”? Get over it. You girls have been misrepresenting your true selves forever. From high-heeled shoes to make your legs look longer to lipstick that makes your lips look poutier to wonder bras that makes us “wonder” where the fuck they went, you gals have cornered the market on misrepresentation. So, if you can’t forgive some poor guy for getting a little self-conscious about his puny peter and sending a stunt double “selfie”, I say fuck you for being such a hypocrite. Hope this answers your question and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:30

Dear Dexter ummm I mean TexDrifter,

I come here wondering why oh why do I ask a clown for help ? Anywayswho... my question is this :

I have this bump located just below my ass cheek and it hurts like a mother fudger. So ok I lost my mirror and wanted to see it so I tried a back bend and that didn't help so I went to look down then up and somehow managed to get my head stuck in my own ass! Now I bet you're wondering how I am able to type this out well that's simple to explain. I am writing down what I want said and my friend is typing this for me. So any advice on how to remove my head from my own ass?


Dear Asshamed (loved that name and couldn’t come up with a funnier one…good job!!),

Hey, Sassy. Long time no see. Yup, recognized you right off from the whole bump on your ass thing. Was gonna mention it at the last porn shoot, but then I remembered you were just a fluffer and never on camera anyway, so no biggie. You should prolly get it looked at by a dermatologist, though, before geologists start wanting to take core samples and measure seismic activity in it.

Anyway, I’m not buying your whole story about “accidentally” getting your head stuck up your ass. Mainly because first of all, I’ve seen you in the premiere party gang-bangs for some of the movie releases and you ain’t that limber. Secondly, I’ve known you long enough to know that having your head planted firmly in your ass isn’t such a recent event…been there a while.

Truth is, you’ve had your head up your ass for quite some time. Making poor decisions in an impressively long chain that dates back to well before I first saw you picking out neck tattoos and trying on used panties at the flea market. You’ve been knowingly making self-destructive decisions in a futile attempt at crying for help for a long time. Hate to break it to ya, Hun, but nobody’s listening.

If you really wanna pull your head out, stand up straight, and see where your going without peering through your fuzz clogged belly button, you’re gonna have to do it on your own. No one is gonna wedge a crowbar between your shoulders and hips and pop it out for ya. Everyone else is too busy trying to keep their own heads on straight to go out of their way to relieve your cranial constipation. Besides, most of us have very little entertainment in this world, so stopping you from fuckin’ up would just be a laugh or two we’re cheating ourselves out of.

I know you’re a smart girl, so try this: Next time that little voice in your head tells you something is a bad idea…IT’S PROLLY A BAD FUCKIN’ IDEA!!! Don’t do it. Try that for several weeks in a row and see if the world doesn’t start to look a little less shitty. The simplest way to get your head out of your ass is to just stop fuckin’ up when you KNOW you’re fuckin’ up. Don’t worry, you’ll still be a fuckup like the rest of us, but you’ll get to be surprised about it occasionally instead of always expecting it from yourself.

The first step to not making fucked up decisions and creating your own destruction is to realize that you own you. Nobody else. You can’t expect help from others if you won’t help yourself. You can’t blame your past, your friends, your enemies, or your clown-counselor for mistakes you intentionally make. That’s all on you, Cutie. Every time. Be honest with yourself first, then those around you. Things will begin to loosen up and you’ll take the first fresh breaths of sweet rebirth.

Once you’ve figured all this out and start to take care of yourself, you’ll feel the sunshine on your face and life will smell a lot more…fragrant. Those around you will eventually notice your newfound confidence and control. They’ll begin to trust you not to fuck up whatever advice they give you and will then begin to actually help you instead of crooning out false sympathy and counterfeit affection.

So, my advice to you in a nutshell, Darlin’, is this: Pull your own head outta your ass and get your shit together, no one will ever do it for you. Otherwise, you’ll just keep repeating the cycle of blaming the choices of your present on betrayals in your past until you have no future.

I think you’re a great kid and I’ll be here if you need me, anxiously waiting to hear the “pop”…Hope this helps and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 03 Jun 2014 16:27

Line's open for the next caller... Whistle

Dear Tex

I bin usin' these here ay-dult website thangs fur a while naoow, an' ah ain't never not but done foun' wun thut weren't'nt filled with dramma.
Ah jes cum on these thangs fur to have a laugh an' a few cherkles with ma freyunds. But they allus seem tuh be sum kinda dramma goin' on.
Kin yew mebbe rikkomin a site that ain't got no dramma? Or mebbe if'n y'all cain't kin y'all let me know haow to deal with alluh the Queens uh Dramma on hyeear?

Elizabeth R

Dear Drownin’ in Drama,

First of all, I would love to apologize for this taking so long, Buuuuuuuuuut, I’m not gonna because its yer own dumb-assed, illiterate, inbred, mouth-breathing, hairy-knuckled, white-trash fault for not quoting an “open line” post. So, fuck you, I’ll get to ya when I notice ya…

As for your drama dilemma (that means your problems with all your shit-stirrin’ friends) I think I can help. Probably can’t solve the problem but I can help you navigate the bullshit.

The problem with drama and gossip is that it’s part of human nature, Sweetie. Any time you get more than two people in a room, office, building, planet, or yes, even an online site, there is gonna be drama, gossip, and whispered innuendo. Just the way people are. Especially if you have a mixed gender (that means boys and girls all playin’ together) crowd. Don’t we suck?

You see, for some reason humans find it more interesting to know the bad about the people around them than the good. Just makes us feel less fucked up to know everyone else is at least AS fucked up as we are and with any luck at all, we can exaggerate their flaws to make them seem even MORE fucked up than we are. Just the way we operate. By we, I mean people in general, not you and I obviously, because we are nowhere near as fucked up as most of the people around here…PM me and I can tell ya some doosies!!!

Avoidance is the key if you truly wanna stay outta the spray when the shit hits the fan. Any time your friends start telling you the dirt on ol’ so-and-so, just stop them and say you’d rather not know. It’s a little hard at first because your natural tendency is to wanna know all the juicy details of why so-and-so is such a ridiculous schmuck, fucktard, asshole, dipshit, or other lower life form compared to the sheer perfection that you and the person spreading the rumor represent. Just keep in mind that the last conversation your friend had most likely included everything less than perfect in your world and even a few embellishments (that means made up shit) to make you seem even more sad, lonely, and pathetic than you probably are.

By just shutting it down, you’ll lose a few friends, but you’ll find that the ones you lost were the ones stirring most of the shit and the ones that stay are less likely to broadcast your little imperfections to the rest of the cyber world. You’ll find yourself happier and healthier and spend a lot less time having to choose sides in a fight that you don’t give two waltzing shits about in the first place.

Now, if you don’t wanna tell the gossips and drama queens to fuck the fuck off, then you may be part of the problem. It’s one thing to not be able to look away when you see a trainwreck about to happen, but a whole other animal when you go out watching the switch stations and hoping to see one. If you actually enjoy being caught up in all of the “he said/she said” crapola, then you kinda lose your bitchin’ rights when the drama fairy takes a big dump in your little world. You can’t be part of the Rumor Mill and expect to be viewed as an “innocent victim” when the shit falls on you. It’s just your turn, so take your medicine and shut the fuck up. Nobody like a whining little bitch.

My best advice is to stay out of the minion mix and surround yourself with friends that do the same. They’re out there…just hard to find. When you do find them, cherish them because they are a rare commodity and have the potential to be true friends whether in the real world or online. Keep the drama queens and shit-slingers at a good distance…and never share any personal info with anyone who shares someone else’s with you. Hope this helps, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Title of a song or my ASS.
Posted 29 May 2014 02:20

Dirty, Rotten my ass crybaby

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 26 May 2014 21:23

Dear Tex Drifter

I always wanted a pair of clown shoes but I don't know where to get them at. So, will you help me please?

Holy Hollybum

Dear Clueless Joe Jackson,

Clown shoes are fairly easy to find. You don’t have to go far to find a bankrupt carnival or disbanded circus having a fire sale. Not to mention the down-on-his-luck software analyst that thought he could make ends meet by juggling cats and twisting balloons into poodles at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs (you can spot them by the cheap-as-fuck yard-sale prices on computer parts and clown gear and the fresh rope burns around their necks). Just be sure to use a lot of athlete’s foot spray and deodorizer. Personally, I steal the shit they use at bowling alleys to de-funk my flea-market finds.

If you’re too snooty to go the used route, Amazon and Ebay are great places to find good deals. Just be careful to read the reviews on the Ebay bastards…sometimes you just get a box that spews fake snakes when you open it.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I’d like to touch on this creepy clown foot fetish you have? This doesn’t have anything to do with that time I let you play ‘horsey’ a little too long on your eighteenth birthday does it? My leg still cramps up from time to time.

I thought maybe you were just a little slow-tarded or something the way your eyes rolled back, you giggled uncontrollably, and kept screaming, “Again!! Again!!” Then you refused to get off my foot and threw empty silly string cans at anyone else that wanted to ride. Remember? Well, I thought that until I got home and realized that I had left my shoe-vibrators on the whole time.

I usually only use them when I have to stand still for long periods of time…you know, to keep my feet from falling asleep. I guess I forgot to turn them off after I was just standing around waiting for you and your friends to finish dancing and lip syncing to ‘Oh, Mickey Your So Fine’…eighteen fuckin’ times. Anyway, sorry about that and I hope I haven’t scarred you for life.

If I have, my bad. And you’ll prolly wanna know the vibrators are sold separately. You can find them at most of the same places that sell the shoes. Don’t get the bullshit environmentally friendly solar powered ones, though. They won’t even buzz hard enough to give you a decent tingle in your toes, much less that extra…uhm…shudder…you’re lookin’ for. Stick with the good old planet destroying, disposable battery powered ones. They’ll definitely tickle your little…uh…fancy.

Don’t forget plenty of disinfectant spray. Even if they’re new, you have no idea who might have tried them on and let’s face it, clowns ain’t known for meticulous hygiene. I’d really hate for you to wind up with an itchy “toe”. Hope this helps, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 26 May 2014 21:21

Dear Tex,

I got this huge problem I live in this town and everyone is the same like robots. And I well I am the outcast the freak in Boredtown, USA. I like to be freaky I mean I will do anything once! Everyone says I am a freak which I don't mind I truly love being the freak . But my problem is who would want a freak in Boredtown, USA. What should I do I can't move from this town I am stuck living here.

the freak of Boredtown, USA

Dear Freak,

Stuck being the only peacock in a village of sparrows, huh? Sounds like a real drag. I think I might be able to help, but it’ll take a little bit of compromise.

See, you can’t just expect Vanilla-ville to flip for sprinkles and chocolate sauce just because one nutty sundae made her way onto the menu. You’re gonna have to ease the customers into something other than the norm before you spring the really freaky flavors on ‘em.

Do your best to tone down the ‘shock and awe’ factor of your personality until the locals have warmed up to you a bit. Once they realize you’re basically harmless and a lot of fun you can gradually be more of yourself and less of a bore…and with any luck, you’ll drag some of the vanilla-lovers over to the dark side. Prolly not gonna get them into a full-on rainbow parfait, but at least you’ll get a few to step onto the ledge and try a few risqué toppings.

Whether you’re looking for that one special ‘scoop’ or wanting to sample thirty one flavors, you’re probably gonna have to start with vanilla and work your way up to the chunky stuff. Once they get a feel for you and begin follow you down your ‘Rocky Road’, you’ll be the quirky eccentric that everyone wants a taste of, instead of the flaky weirdo that no one can wait to spit out.

Another option is to stay freaky and hope that a few adventurous souls will sneak up to your back door, hoping to get a taste of something new without the bother of their friends seeing them. At first, it’ll seem exciting to have a few secret bananas in your split. But, eventually, you’re gonna want more than the occasional dark alley lick from a few vanilla-devotees who want to enlighten their palate but keep it on the down low. You’ll wind up giving away all of your tastiest toppings, while your core slowly melts into a soured, bitter mess that only attracts the occasional starving drifter and an inordinate amount of stray cats.

My best advice is to be you. Just a more toned down version of you until you’ve found your niche in the community. Once you have a fairly strong social circle, you can slowly begin to shed your sheep’s clothing and introduce them to the freak that howls at the moon. Most of them will eventually howl with ya if you have the patience to teach them the song.

If not, I suggest you keep plenty of kitty chow in the cupboard, fresh batteries in your ‘special drawer’, and the high-speed internet bill paid. Cuz your social life is gonna revolve around BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend), your 34 precious feline friends, and nightly “chats” with Onehanded_Typist69. It’s a dreary outlook, I know, but if you truly are stuck in Vanilla-ville with no chance of relocating, better learn to like vanilla. Or at least stomach it.

I hope this helps, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 23 May 2014 19:33

Dear Dexter,

I am a member of a website that publishes smutty stories and poems, oh and the ones that are romantic too, for those who are not into exploring their deepest, darkest fantasies. Well, not unless their deepest darkest fantasy is reciting a love poem while in the nude, in front of an audience at a sex club while sporting a gimp mask and a whip and no that was not me there last Tuesday night just sayin'

Anyhoo... most of us choose an avatar to use on our profile. I currently have about 53 000 avatars that I change around from time to time, just to keep things fresh. (Ok then I change it sometimes every couple of days, but I'm not hurting anyone). Some of my friends even place bets on how long it will be before the next change so I mindfuck them and change it twice in one day.

Anyhow.... This time while out hunting for new avatars to use, I made a huge mistake. I sent an email to my friend with six pictures I thought I might like to use as an avatar and asked him which one he liked. He told me he liked the one I am currently using so I took it upon myself to use that one onviously.

I did like this one when I first found it but now it's irritating me. I think it's the red glove that's doing it. Who the fuck wears ONE red glove? Ok I know Michael Jackson did and look what happened to him evil4

If I clone the red glove out of the picture, then my head is going to look just a little lopsided isn't it? I could try making the face a bit wider but then it's going to look like a picture of siamese twins isn't it and I'm not a Simian. Could it be that he said he liked this one on purpose and is now having a big laugh behind my hunchback?

There was one I chose that had purple hair. I know he hates the colour purple, but it's not him going to use the avatar is it? In fact, nobody can even tell what his avatar IS unless they have their eyeballs 2 mm away from the pc screen. I mean, who has eyeballs that can stretch that far out of their ipods?

Anyhoo... the whole point to my rambling long-assed post to you is.... if i change my avatar so soon, will he get butt-hurt? I would even do the nice thing and not use the one with the purple hair..... Or, perhaps I should just say "fuckit" and use whichever one I damn well please? I do like him though, he makes me laugh a lot so don't wanna piss him off TOO much. Wait...maybe he's just laughing AT me. What do you think I should do?

Diana DeBitchez

Dear Caught in the Closet,

I’m willing to pretend it wasn’t you on Tuesday night if you are. But next time you’re not there, wearing nothing but your gimp mask, and not wielding your fuckin’ whip, could you watch where the fuck you’re not wielding it? I still have whelps on my face from the damned thing…

53,000 avatars in your closet, huh? Impressive, but my ex-wife has ya beat in shoes alone. Sounds like you have a bit of a fashion fetish, which is perfectly fine because as you have said, it isn’t hurting anyone. Although I’d hate to be the poor guy stuck in the living room waiting for you to get ready for dinner…then breakfast…then lunch…fuckit, he might as well grab a sammich, pop a beer and watch the game (probably what he’d rather do anyway so it’s a win/win for both of you).

So you don’t like the one you’re wearing, but you’re afraid that some clown is gonna get pissy if you change it? What kind of moron is he? I’m sure if he has any sense at all, he won’t care what you wear as long as it’s you underneath the flashy facade. If he does, then you should really think about chucking his ass back in the pond and goin’ fishin’ for a new Bozo to impress.

You see, men don’t really care that much about whatcha wear. It’s all about how you act and how you relate to him when you’re wearing it. You should choose whatever makes you feel happy, sexy, flirty, frivolous, pretty, slutty, or whatever your mood dictates at the time. He’ll pick up on the vibe and love the affect more than the visual. So, if you’re wearing something that he finds beautiful, but makes you bitchy, sad, irritable, or distant, he’s gonna hate it…well, he won’t realize it’s the outfit he hates but he’ll hate being around you in your wardrobe-induced shitty mood. So, he’ll hate YOU, not the outfit.

On the other hand, if you wear something he’s not so crazy about visually, but it puts you in a great mood (sexy-horny is the best, by the way), he’ll dig the chick he’s hangin’ with and be happy to play even though she may look a little silly. He most likely won’t even notice the sly snickers and pointing fingers from friends and strangers because he’ll be so wrapped up in being able to tolerate your bullshit for a change that he’ll forget everyone else in the room.

What I’m saying is this, unless your guy is deeper in the closet than you are (like queer as a hockey ball), he probably couldn’t tell you without looking what color your nails are, what type of shoes you’re wearing, whether your earrings are hoops or studs, or whether you have on one red glove or six yellow ones. All he really cares about is being able to get through dinner without a fight and leaving whatever you’re wearing in a rumpled heap at the foot of the bed at the end of the night.

Wear what makes you feel happy. Change as often as you like. Enjoy your fashion choice until you lose interest and then move on. Whatever pleases you will please those around you. Being stuck in some itchy, uncomfortable outfit will just make you irritable and bitchy and everyone you know will start diving in the bushes when they see you coming. She is such a raging cunt, but I like to hang out with her because she wears such pretty clothes ~ said no one, ever.

So, I would say the answer to your question is no, he won’t be butt-hurt if you change your avatar. Doubt he’ll even notice anything except a pleasant change in attitude. If he is upset with a change, you should really re-evaluate why this guy even likes you. If it’s just because you have a cute pic in the corner of your little chat-box thingys, ya might consider not giving a flying fuck what the fucktard thinks in the first place.

I have to agree with him that purple is the most horrible idea the color gods ever came up with (even the word purple is just dumb), but if you want your hair to be purple and look like a raging nitwit, I say go for it!! You can pretend you’re doing it out of irony or something. The rest of us will know that you’re just another nitwit that digs purple, but you can pretend. I truly hope this has helped, and please call any time…providing you have decent reception in your closet. And, as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 21 May 2014 00:01

Line's open for the next caller... :-"

Quote this post for an answer...

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 20 May 2014 23:45

Good evening Mr. Drifter.

Now, normally I wouldn't seek relationship advice from any gentleman that wears make-up, and even more worrying, is from the Colonies. But I fear I'm at my wits end with nowhere to turn and a dear, dear friend said that you'd been of great assistance when those awful Hell's Angel people were threatening her with a Restraining Order. So, beggars being somewhat devoid of I am.

Call me an indulgent old softie if you like, but I'm still breastfeeding my son, Crispin. He's a little old for it, but it's a bond I'm hesitant to break...his colleagues at the Bank jibe him about it, but he does love me popping in with his mid-morning snack. I believe it's partly jealousy on their part that they tease him so, especially since his promotion to Manager.
Anyway...I digress. Lately he's taken to rubbing his groinal area against me when he's curled up in my lap happily suckling. At first I ignored this, putting it down to him shifting around contentedly in blissful semi-slumber. But on two occasions now I've noticed that he has become, well...erect. This may be involuntary...I've heard that males have no control whatsoever over their reproductive organs, but I'm concerned that it may not and I don't wish to embarass the poor lamb needlessly.
What advice would you offer, Mr. Drifter?

Ariadne Stoatgobbler

Dear Mammary Poppins,

Top o’ the evenin’ to ye, Miss-us.

First of all, what make-up? I had a horrible accident as a young man and this was the best the hometown Veterinarian/plastic surgeon/used car salesman could pull off. I won’t go into gory details, but it involved a pissed-off Daddy, a shotgun, and four miles of bad dirt road.

Anyway, Idunno how I could refuse such an eloquently written request for help. Particularly dug the way you looked down your crusty old beak when you mentioned, “the Colonies.” Just warmed my little heart. The part about beggars and choosers really sealed it. Oh, and so glad to see you’re writing this in English rather than German…you’re welcome.

If the friend you speak so highly of was Trinket, don’t sweat it. It was nothing. I just had a sit down with Sonny Barger, bought him a beer and suggested very respectfully that if the two chapters she was harassing would just join forces and grant her the gang-bang she’s been houndin’ ‘em for, it’d save everyone a lot of time in the courts. So, he rounded up a couple of HAMC Nomad Chapters (those guys will bone anything…you should hear what they have to do to get their “red wings” sewn on their cuts) and they threw her the piled-up trainwreck of a lifetime. Problem solved. Everyone goes home happy. Itchy, but happy.

On to your question…

First of all, Crispin? Really? On purpose? Did you lose a fuckin’ bet or were you just dreaming of him getting his ass kicked all the way from pre-school on up to the rugby pom-squad? I’m guessing rugby…cricket, badminton, whatever. You should drop what you’re doing and apologize long and hard with every bit of that British politesse that you can conjure. You really fucked that kid over from the start and you should beg forgiveness on bended knee M’lady.

What I’m telling you is that Crispin…fuck, I’m gonna give him a tougher nickname I can’t stomach writing that again. We’ll call him… Twat. Anyway, Twat would be getting jibed with or without the daily tea-time breast feedings. We’ll get to that creepy-as-fuck scene in a minute. Point I’m making now is that you have crippled that child, Twat, from birth to be a dependent Momma’s boy. Have you ever asked yourself what’s gonna happen when you’re finally dead and gone. Just the memory of a weird stain finally wiped from the toilet bowl of life? How will Twat function on his own?

So breastfeeding, huh? Grown man? And this doesn’t seem the slightest bit, oh, ABNORMAL to you? Here’s the thing. You have created what we call a socio-path. Actually, the psychological community has gotten away from the term, but it’s funny to me how when they stumble-fuck around and get something right, they are always pretty quick to swoop in and fuck it up. Quacks.

See, he’s gonna wind up wearing your old dresses and smearing on your favorite shade of lipstick (I’m guessing it’s Delusional Cunt by Ralph Lauren) while dreamily making his lists of people to kill. You should be less concerned with his annoying boner and more terrified of sleeping in a house full of sharp objects with him. One day, the dresses and high heels might not float his Mommy-issue laden boat any longer. Little Twat may decide to make himself a matronly costume out of fine, genuine Brit-skin, socialite leather.

I’m fairly certain there is absolutely no way to unfuck this little family crisis over tea and a mouth-full of Spotted Dick. Speaking of a mouth fulla dick you’d have been better off sticking to giving stiff, unimaginative head and the occasional anal romp to Twat’s nameless father. Never shoulda reproduced.

As for the humping…You created the little monster, my best advice is to keep your mouth shut, not piss him off, and let him finish. You’re little lamb doesn’t need any extra tension built up, if you catch my drift.

Finally, don’t call me Mr. Drifter, the name is Tex and if you and Twat ever have the chance to come visit, please make other plans. I’d feel much better knowing that your kind of crazy stays on the other side of the pond, ya know? Best of luck and please don’t call here again. I hope some of this got through the language barrier and as always, thanks for playin’ along. Ta-ta.


Topic Let's get friendly...
Posted 20 May 2014 09:47

Accepted!!!...Good thing too, cuz I'm about a cheeseburger away from three-fiddy...take up a lot of room, doll ;) ...Know what I mean?

Hi. I'm tall, dark, and oh-so-handsome. I have broad shoulders, hypnotic eyes, and a thirst for...well, your essence. If you accept, I'll show you a really great time around the castle...might even let you spend eternity with me. Can't wait to nibble on your neck... Hugs n bites, bloodthirst_13

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 20 May 2014 08:49

Looks like we've moved again...I gotta take the wheels off this place. Thanks for letting me know, guys. Was the parking lot too busy? This place smells like mothballs and stale tobacco. What was it before it became a storage room for dead threads?

Line's open for the next caller if anyone can find the number... :-"

Quote this post for an answer...

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 20 May 2014 08:42

Dear Tex,

I have an embarrassing dilemma. I have been dating this guy for a week or so, and well, before we started dating, he use to always brag about having a big schlong. Well here is my dilemma. Last night we were getting pretty hot and heavy, and he began fondling my private parts. I was feeling pretty randy. When I put my hand down his pants, I was very disappointed. His winky was only about 2 inches long. I didn't wan to hurt his feelings and continued with reluctance. When he mounted me and began to hump. I was in no way stimulated. It didn't even tickle. When done, he told me I was the best he had ever had. I just smiled and nodded my head. What should I do? I do not want to hurt his feelings, but he doesn't stimulate me. How do I tell him his winky just doesn't cut the mustard?

Unsatisfied in San Diego.

Dear Longing for Longer,

Boy did you ever come to the right place!!! I could write novels about women being disappointed by the size of a guy’s equipment. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen the look of sheer despair and disappointment when a gal first lays eyes on my “little buddy”… Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t have to do this shit and put up with you fuckin’ people for a livin’.

I guess the jist of your question revolves around the age-old question, “Does size matter?” Well guys and gals, I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass like the women who love you despite your wee-wittle-winkee (kinda stole that from a Weavingdreams post a few calls back). The truth is, of course size matters!!! The reason for such debate is that the perfect size is different for every woman because they are all built just a little different.

Most women just want it to feel a little “full” but not painful when the “perfect” key enters their lock. A few wanna feel the dull, achy pain of being stretched to the max and bruised way down deep in their soul. Even fewer like being tickled mostly with very little penetration at all. So, size matters, it’s just that every woman is looking for a different size.

Take our caller, whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is…oh just been handed a note…Allie. Huh? That’s her real name?...Oh fuck, I mean Unsatisfied in San Diego…that’s a fuckin’ nightmare I’m not typing that every time I need to say her name…gonna call her USDA. Because she’s oh, so choice.

Anyway, USDA here is obviously looking for something a little more “filling”. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone needs to find a partner that satisfies and fulfills them sexually and it wouldn’t be fair to her soon-to-be-ex to lead him on. He needs to know that you are incompatible sexually NOW…not ten years from now when he or one of the kids walks in on you and the neighbor who’s hung like three coke cans stacked together…It’s not fair to Pee-wee, not fair to USDA, and damned sure not fair to the traumatized kiddos that see Mom being harpooned like the goriest scenes from ‘Whale Wars’. Hate those fuckin’ hippies. I pull for the whalers.

So, Allie, what I’m saying here is that even though it might hurt his feelings a little now, you should be honest. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Everyone involved will be much happier. While you’re at it, you should tell him that it would be beneficial to him to be more honest up front. I mean, telling women he has a huge cock is a little bit of a false advertisement. Tell him I said he can no longer call what he has a cock. Face it, it’s a pee-pee. Call it what it is, that’s all I’m sayin’.

And Allie, I know this is gonna be an awkward conversation, but the sooner you have it, the sooner you can be back on the hunt for some stud that can stuff that bucket of a pussy ya got there. I wish you and your large-mouth vagina nothin’ but luck in finding the right “fit”. Might help if you were more honest in the future too. Stop telling guys you have a snug little kitten when you could easily toss a full grown cat in there. I mean when you wear a sundress and no panties on a windy day, you sound like a fuckin’ cruise ship leaving port.

The microwave version of all this? Ya gotta cut the dude loose and keep shopping, sweetie. It’s the only scenario I see that might wind up in happy ever after. I hope this has helped, and as always, thank you so much for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 20 May 2014 07:57

Dear Tex,

Howdy I am leaving for a week for vacation way past due by the way I work to much don't get myself a break anyways before I left my boyfriend is out of town and I got no way to reach his crazy ass I left him message tell him I Will be leaving well I know he gonna be mad at himself for not send me off in a good way what should I do?

working to damn much

Dear Communication Gap, (gap, get it?...)

You do seem to be in quite the conundrum. I’m a little confused about how the problem came about. You say your boyfriend is out of town and you are about to leave town…two ships passing in port and all that.
What I’m struggling with here, is in the age of technology, you don’t have the dude’s cell number? I can only think of two possible explanations for this:

First, and least likely, you’re both homeless hoboes and have neither the means, nor the techno-capability for long distance communication beyond placing a collect call from a pay phone to harass distant relatives and old acquaintances for a hand out. This is doubtful because pan-handlin’ hoboes ain’t exactly world travelers and you did manage to get hold of me…so you have some form of computer access.

This brings me to the second explanation. This is the one I’d bet my left nut (my favorite) and a case of scotch on…Your boyfriend is married and won’t give you his number. What’s more, you don’t have his email, his twitter, his facebook, his skype, his myspace, his Lush account, his google messenger, his Gmail messenger, his Yahoo messenger, his office number, or his address so you can lick a stamp (oh-so-seductively I’m sure) to get his attention. All you have is the soft, green glow of a blocked number txt message three or four nights a week that tells you where to show up, what panties to wear, and which orifice to lube.

You’re not really his girlfriend as much as you’re his last-ditch booty-call when he has a little stiffness he doesn’t feel like working out on his own. Now you have a little throb that needs massaging and wanna get in “touch” before you have to leave town for a week of humping pillows and grinding in your seat trying to reach that itch that just won’t quite be scratched. Prolly not gonna happen.

You haven’t heard from him while he’s gone, because frankly Dear, why would you? He knows he’s out of booty-call range so you haven’t so much as fluttered across his mind since he left. Don’t worry, as soon as he gets back and strikes out at the bar, your phone will light up with detailed instructions on how to find him, how to “get in touch”, and how to relieve all his pent up tension. And he’ll certainly leave you “in a good way”…as long as your version of “a good way” means shuddering on your elbows and knees with a gooey cocktail of mixed secretions running down your trembling thighs while he calmly wipes himself clean on your skirt and pats your little ass before walking out the door. Sound familiar?...Thought it would.

Point is, don’t sweat it, kiddo. You probably ain’t gonna catch him before you leave, but it’ll just make him that much harder…I mean, more excited to see you when you get back. Girlfriend. That’s a riot. Sometimes I wonder how fuckin’ stupid you folks think I am. I hope this helps, and thank you so much for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 13:30

Line's open for the next caller... :-"

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 13:25

Hey There Tex!

This here's yer ole drinkin' buddy, you remember me, Gomer Pyle's cousin Giveya?! Well the thang is, that silly lil twat I been a seein' done tolt me she wanted ta spice up our screwin' cause it jest wasn't hot enuf fer her anymore. SOOO, I done jest what she'd asked fer, I poured me about a half a bottle a Tabasco sauce on the ole whanger and shoved it up the dirt road. Wimmin! I tell ya it don't matter what they say they don't mean it! Now all she's a doin' is a whinin' and complainin' that it was TOO HOT! Jest how the Hell am I supposed ta satisfy her right when she don't know what the Hell she wants? (Answer this one fer me and I'll buy yer next six pack down at the Shamble Inn Bar, Grill and Cathouse.)

Yer ole Buddy Giveya Pyles (Gomer never could spell work a damn!)

Dear Hot Rod,

I see you’re still an illiterate fuck and have a hard time reading directions. How the fuck am I supposed to answer your call if you don’t dial the number, you bass-ackwards redneck dipshit? Next time quote a next caller post or I’m gonna steal your girl and send you pictures of me fuckin’ her and your sister in the back seat of your prized, classic Camaro you got on blocks out behind the trailer. I’ll have your Mom take the pics while she’s not busy cupping my balls, rinsin’ jizz off your sis with the water hose, or stroking your girlfriends hair while she sobs uncontrollably from the newly formed cracks in her soul.

Anyway, I’m gonna answer this one for you and when I get through you’ll be buyin’ that sixer AND throwin’ in my favorite whore down at the Shamble Inn.

The thing is, women do know what they want sexually. They just want to live under the delusion that their chosen hardon-draggin’-around-a-body is deep and sensitive enough to figure it out on his own. They desperately hope that he will pick up on subtle little cues that hint at what she wants and desires. They all do it. Never met an exception yet. They all also deny that they do it. Claim to be upfront and honest. Lemme tell ya pardner, they’re fulla shit as a Christmas turkey.

So, I could tell ya how to read those cues, find her little lust buttons, and make her the happiest trailer-tramp in three counties. But I say fuck that, I’ll do ya one better. I’m gonna tell ya how to mind fuck her into wanting what you want the little slut to want. Before you know it, you’ll have her doing shit that wouldn’t even cross the mind of a two dollar whore that couldn’t make change for a hundred dollar bill. Certainly gonna be a lot more fun than some silly hot-sauce trick.

What I’m offering here is the chance to turn your little poverty-level princess into the filthiest fuck-toy you can possibly imagine…because the limits of your imagination are the only limits to how far she’ll degrade herself for the pleasure of getting to be your little cum-dumpster. And the best part? She’ll think it’s all her idea and she’ll be the happiest little trailer-tramp in three counties.

Only thing is that what I’m gonna tell you is entirely too dangerous to fall into the hands of the general public. If every swingin’ dick out there figures this out, the world will change forever. Men will be back in control and women will be reduced to roving packs of depraved sluts, foaming at the mouth and searching out anything stiff that they can rub up against. So, you’re gonna have to PM me for the details and you have to promise to keep the secrets and techniques under your hat there, hillbilly. Specially around the trailer park because you ignorant fucks are already outbreeding the rest of us as it is.

Hope to hear from you soon, cuz I’m just dying to share this secret…I been keeping it a long time and it’s time to pass the knowledge. Hope it helps, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 13:23

Oh my Mr Tex!
I surly do need your wisdom today! My southern lovin redneck decided he wants to spice up our sex life and I ain't shittin you when I tell you what this redneck did to me! This dumb ass done put Louisiana hot sauce on his pecker and then tried fuckin my ass! Now my ass is on fire nonstop and lemme tell you what else! I can't even shit straight without hollarin. How in the sams hell am I supposed to tell this damn redneck that spicing up our sex life don't take no damn hot sauce!

Ashley Myassisonfire

Dear Heinous Anus,

I’m purty sure I can help, shooger. Coupla minor hurdles here, but I think as long as you’re willing to suffer a few bumps and bruises along the way, hopefully we can avoid any more rectal rashes and booty burns.

First, the good news. It appears your raunchy redneck is at least interested in keeping things new and exciting. You have no idea how many women write to me complaining about their boring, mundane SO that won’t be bothered to put some imagination into their sex lives. I’m sure most of them would give their left tit for a scorched butthole and that dirty, filthy, feeling of having been used like a rented mule.

What you need is just a little good, old-fashioned female manipulation. You see, guys (especially thick-witted, over-zealous, under educated nimrods like your trailer-park prince) have a hard time locking in on subtle hints when it comes to what their women want. You have to be a little more obvious in steering him the direction you wanna go. Truth is, you have to hit him over the head with it. Just come out and tell him what you want, how you want it, and don’t spare the perverted details.

Generally most men will gladly do whatever it is that floats your boat, trips your trigger, or blows your skirt up. But we ain’t mind readers. Funny to me how women can talk about men being overgrown toddlers who can barely pull off walking upright…Then in their next thought expect their food services specialist to be Nostradamus in the bedroom. He ain’t got no crystal ball. If he did, he’d prolly just hock it for beer money or trade it for parts to that Camaro on blocks behind the trailer.

So, once your poor, tortured asshole loses the scent of calamine lotion and fades back to its original shade of pink, you might think about seductive ways to guide the ol’ boy in the right direction. You can either peel back the layers of inhibition and reach out verbally to let him know what really spices your taco, or risk an embarrassing trip to the ER when his next sexual epiphany hits.

Good luck in your healing process. Don’t eat anything acidic for a while, and make sure the hot sauce stays in the kitchen where it belongs. Hope this has helped and as always, thanks for playing along.


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 09:29

Line's open....waiting for the next caller... :-"

Quote this post to get an answer....

Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 09:18

Dear Tex,

I have a serious problem. See, I am addicted to clown porn. Yes, there... I said it!
Me and my girlfriend Sally Squeaksalot were acting out my fantasy when we ummm...we were getting
"close" if you know what I mean. And while I was doing something... you know "special" for her.
Well, son-of-a-bitch if my big red nose didn't just POP off and get stuck in her, ummm..."woman parts"!
We tried everything we could, to get it out... but it's STUCK!

My dilemma is that she has to meet my parents next week and now she squeaks,
every time she takes a step! How will I ever explain that?
Plus I have a "gig" at a retirement home next week, you know "juggling and balloon animals"... I NEED MY NOSE!!!
Please! we need your wisdom, oh! Great One!

Nelly Needsherfuckingnoseback

Dear SugarBaby2013,

Yeah, that’s right Hun, I recognized my favorite clown-groupie right off. Sill hung up on clown porn, huh? Woulda thought after spending two years as a fluffer on the shoots you’d have gotten over that. Sorry, must have been bad advice.
Anyway, I can solve your problem. This one’s a no-brainer…can’t really even believe you couldn’t pull it off without help.

First, foremost, and most importantly, gotta get you a new nose ordered and on its way. Even if your little play-pretty does get the schnoz outta her snatch, it will most likely be destroyed by the ER doc that removes it. Even if they get it out intact, they tend to keep these things as souvenirs in a “trophy closet” with all the other stuff they’ve pried outta perverted little skanks like your friend. You know, so they can come back and have a giggle when things get tough or they’re having a bad day. Important thing here is that you get the new nose on the way and take care of your J-O-B… I know you dig your little friend, but worrying about her squeaky little slit don’t pay the bills. Keep your priorities straight.

The solution to the squeaking girlfriend is even easier. You have a week ‘til she’s supposed to meet your parents, right? Dump her ass and replace her. No problem. There are lesbians literally everywhere. I’m so sick of having to not only compete with every swingin’ dick in the place, but now half the chicks too? Why can’t there be more gay DUDES instead of so many chicks? Anyway, shouldn’t be any problem picking one up and tonguing her into meeting your parents before the week is out. Problem solved.

Point is, you should really distance yourself from ‘Squeaky’ as soon and as far as possible. The word gets out that you’re involved with the chick that had a clown nose lodged in her twat and you’ll never hear the end of it…might even lose your gig on the porn sets. Definitely won’t ever get promoted from fluffer to full on clown-porn starlet…who wants to deal with a silly fuck that can’t keep her nose on during a little clam buffet? Not porn producers I promise. Dump the little tart and find yourself a replacement. Only real option here.

Well, Sugar, I hope this has helped. Tell everyone down at the set hi for me, and as always, thanks for playin’ along…


Topic Tex Drifter's Hotline
Posted 19 May 2014 09:16

Dear Tex

I have a serious problem! I was told to come to you because you are so wise beyond your years. See I have this friend and she is addicted to porn and she discovered clown porn and wanted to try out this fantasy. So as she was going down on me wearing her big red nose as she was getting into it POP in goes her nose. Now its stuck! We tried everything to get it out but it absorbed all moisture and is lodged in there somewhere pretty tight. I don't know what to do! I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctor yet everytime I sit or squat my pussy now squeaks like a dinner bell oh what does one do in times like these! Can you help me Mr Tex?

Sally Squeaksalot

Dear Chew Toy,

Before we get into the solution for your problem, I just have to say, this is what you get for being a lesbian. I’ve looked at the pics you sent in and your decision to go vag-itarian is a waste of a perfectly good vagina if you ask me. Hit me up if you ever get tired of batting for the other team…I’ll make ya squeak from the other end…

Ok, as for the answer to your delima, I hate to tell you, there isn’t much option. Gonna have to see a doctor. When things get stuck in there, sometimes it creates a vacuum that makes it difficult if not impossible to remove manually (by manually I mean by your clown lovin’, clam diggin’, “roommate” shoving her hand up there and fishing around for trinkets and treasures).

I understand your embarrassment and reluctance to seek medical attention. However, it is very important that you get the thing removed. At worst, if left inside you, it could cause severe negative health effects like Toxic Shock Syndrome which is potentially fatal. It could cause severe infection leading to sepsis and possible death from irreversible toxemia. At the very best you’ll be known in hushed whispers as, “that girl with the uncontrollable whistlin’ farts.”

I highly suggest that you seek medical treatment immediately. If you’re overly concerned about the news getting out and being called ‘Squeaky’ the rest of your life, I think a road trip is in order. Drive far enough away that you feel comfortable that you’ll never have to look the giggling hospital staff in the eye again. Good news is that this kind of thing happens more often than you think and any Emergency Room at any decent sized hospital will be equipped to remove foreign objects from horny fucktards (don’t be pissed at me for using medical terminology). Most likely it won’t require surgery, just a simple procedure of drilling a hole through the rubber and allowing air to pass through to remove the vacuum effect. Maybe a coupla clowntown jokes, and you’re on your way, good as new.

I worked as a tech in an ER for two years before I ran off and joined the circus…you wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen shoved up idiots…Anyway, hope this helps and thank you very much for playin’