I confess. I’m shy. I’m insecure about myself and others.

As a teenager, I was ugly, with my pale white skin. I had long natural red hair that I used to soak in product to make it look darker. My face was covered with acne, my big ears too huge for the rest of my head and I had about thirty pounds too much on my hips.

I was nineteen when I kissed a drunken girl for the first time. By the age of twenty-one, I couldn’t wait any longer and I went to visit one of the local brothels. Germany is very liberal and legal whorehouses can be found all over the countryside.

 If there is an award for the worst first-time sex experience in human history, I deserve it!

I did my research on the internet and found the prostitute of my dreams. Dark skin, massive curves and a pretty face, so what could go wrong, right? Worst case scenario, I would finish before I fully entered her ebony vagina!

When I reached the place for male happiness, a lady opened the door – only covered by a silk cloth. The only thing she had in common with my desired lady from the website, was the color of her skin.

“Mercedes” guided me to a dirty room with a bed and asked what I want and who I would like to see? After I briefly explained my intensions with “Darleen” I handed over 200EUR and was asked to undress myself in front of her.

Unfortunately, I only got to see Darleen on the internet, since my designated partner was a black lady approximately 400lbs heavier than her. I do not understand why I stayed quiet and why my tiny cock got hard – but my first-time sex ended about two minutes later, by an act of anal, I believe.

When I was sixteen, I only had the Playboy and the Penthouse. Later a Hustler and the idea of what hardcore pornography was like.

Purchased in embarrassment from the gas station. Hidden in my room of shame. Applied alone, in the bathroom – the place, I temporarily moved into during my teenage years and like my Dad used to say: “Are you in there again?”

My first computer. Finally, online! A celebrity paparazzi picture forum was my first addiction. Salma Hayek, Halle Berry and the young Jennifer Lopez in her legendary green Versace dress!  What’s not to give a boy a constant erection?

The trash bin underneath my desk was constantly overfilled with kitchen paper towels. Did mom know? What did she think?

I got relatively late into hardcore pornography. In my mid-twenties I developed passionately a 2TB archive of everything. I never had a specific type. Asian goddesses like Mika Tan I was obsessed with and collect everything she published. Round and curvy ebony girls, superstars, later ladyboys, and fetish clips. SPH, Humiliation, Ball-busting, Strap-on action. I enjoyed all of it.

If you want to know my all-time favorites; Priya Rai, Kiara Mia, TS Jessy Dubai, Jessica Bangkok, Abella Anderson would be in my top five. Trust me, I know everything about American “mainstream” pornography and my fetishes.

Now imagine my situation back in the day. I had a few thousand hours of HD pornography, but I lived with my parents and couldn’t even lock my room. When to enjoy all my collection?

I was unemployed and became a creature of the night. As soon as everyone was asleep, I had my cock in the hand. But not for a quickie. Shortly after I entered my porn addiction, I learned how to stay hard all night and masturbated for hours. Seven hours was normal, sometimes my mum’s alarm in the morning gave me the signal to finish.

As far as I remember, I was always attracted to her. Since I was sixteen, I shaved my pubic hair. I just don't like my erect five-inch cock covered by hair. Until I was seventeen, we still went to a sauna spa together. While in the resting area, I remember telling her, “I think my pubic hair is starting to show.”

After the back of her hand gently touching my crotch, she answered: “I don’t feel anything.” This was the last time she saw me naked.

But the other way around, my mother was always naked in an unlocked bathroom or changed when the door was not fully closed. And during summer vacation, she was topless on the beach. Mum always looked fine and fit in her early fifties, her belly was flat, and she had runners’ legs. Her breasts appeared soft and mildly hanging, 75b is her cup-size. My mother's vagina always had a full bush of pubic hair.

I confess that the first time when I ejaculated in her bra was crazy intense. I will never forget the thrill and loads of cum that spilled out of me. After a while, this practice became a habit and happened more often. I did what I had to do and experienced my ultimate sexual desire.

Thoughts became real, when I dripped a few drops of my pre-cum on her bras inside the cups, imagining her nipple getting in contact with my sperm.  I was placing the bras back exactly where they belonged.

'Will she notice it? What will she say?' The fantasies of a pothead went wild.

The same period of my life included, that I discovered an extra adrenaline kick from jerking off around midday – the time when Mum usually came home.

It is true, that I ejaculated in front of her, while she was entering my room.

Luckily, I was hiding my small and freshly shaved cock under the blanket – yet she knew and after a few embarrassing seconds, just before she decided to leave the room.  She said, “meet me in the kitchen when you finished here.” Of course, Priya Rai, the lady on my computer screen was moaning while her wide-open legs were not hiding the massive dildo entering her pussy.

It was a regular afternoon when my Mum surprised me with her words, “you do know exactly how many bras I keep in my drawer, right? Did you find my latest very seductive bra already?”

I froze, I turned red and I didn’t know what to do. My heart was pounding in my chest, when I stuttered: “I hope more than one – you need some to change into.”

The following days I could barely see her in the eye. I avoided everything and for a month or, so I was able to stay away from her room. But I did it again and up until today I believe, I left no evidence of my naughty act this time. But Mum confronted me immediately with another statement. Just after I spilled my last load of cum in a paper towel.

My mother touched herself in front of me on her left breast. She squeezed it genially. “This is what you want again, son? Too bad I don’t give you milk anymore, huh?”

How extreme was that? I can’t describe the emotion and humiliation I felt. I was unable to say something.

How long did I dream about this moment? Hundreds of orgasms I had while thinking about my mother.  I was hoping I would send signals that she secretly knows. I was mute. I couldn’t say or do anything when she stood in front of me.

I will never forget this moment and even now, more than ten years after I wonder, what did she know? What did she think? Was there a chance?

Is there anyone who understands my desire while growing up?

Most of my teenage years I spent jerking off to porn movies and chatting with strangers on the internet about desires and dreams. I always considered myself as bi-sexual. The submissive bottom that would be allowed to taste the sweetness of cum and the feeling of losing control while a big cock stretched my asshole.

The female beauty is ultimate. And nothing is more relaxing and awesome than taking care of yourself while watching porn. The thoughts and dreams are the only ones, that are totally free.