Some Helpful Tips for Those New to BDSM
1. Take it SLOW - I know you are excited. You want to just jump right in and do what you saw at the movies, on television or read in a book. If you take it slow, you greatly reduce the chance of anyone getting injured or mentally scarred by what happens.
2. CONSENT - This is HUGE. I cannot stress enough the importance of have the consent of all that are involved. This means Dominants and submissives BOTH. Consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activities and without that, it is abuse.
3. COMMUNICATION - Second only to consent, communicating your needs, desires, limits and expectations is crucial. If you cannot communicate to your Dominant what you want or cannot communicate to your submissive what you are comfortable with, you need to stop and reconsider.
4. Practice, practice, practice - Another important thing for Dominants, especially those into impact play (striking with floggers, canes and even the hand) is practice. Hit yourself with the flogger first. Understand how it feels. Learn how the same strength strike with one toy differs from another and still differs from a bare hand. This will help you understand what you are doing with your submissive.
5. Aftercare - This is crucial when conducting any sort of scene, especially those that involve impact play. This can truly stave off “sub-drop” which you can think of as a short term but often bad depression. You are responsible for your partner before, during and AFTER a scene. It doesn’t end just because you got off. Make sure your partner is alright. Warm blankets, water, cuddling, lotion on a red rear and of course tender words will go a long way here.
6. Real Life Does Not Equal Porn - I don’t care who your submissive is, one does not simply start shoving things into orifices without build-up or knowledge. I don’t care what you saw on that porn movie, you are not going from “exit only” to a 2-inch wide butt plug in a matter of seconds, nor are you sticking that industrial sized rubber dildo into a vagina that’s never known anything above “human sized”. This can lead to serious injury and potentially life-threatening situations. So, before you go crazy with the internal use toys, step back and re-read number one above.
If you follow these, your start into a BDSM life will be far better and much less harmful to you and others. Enjoy.
Online Red Flags (Danger Signals, it’s time to hit ignore! )
onedom:
A “Red Flag” is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.
Some common examples might be…
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.
2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.
3. Inappropriate attitude: “bow down and worship me” those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.
4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.
5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to “gag” someone is a sign that something is wrong.
6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.
7. Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb’s, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their “ex” someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.
8. Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son’s birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful and please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.
Author Unknown
here is a list of references I have come accross, I have not read but one of them... but there is plenty of written works out there to help
BOOKS:
General BDSM
Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex
by Gloria G. Brame, Fireside
Consensual Sadomasochism: How To Talk About It and Do It Safely
by William A. Henkin, PhD. & Sybil Holliday, CCSSE, Daedalus Publishing
Different Loving
by Gloria Brame, Job Jacobs & Jon Brame, Villard Books
Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking
by Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing. Out of print, no Kindle
The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
The New Topping Book
by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, Mystic Rose Books
Sensuous Magic
by Pat Califia, Cleis Press. On Kindle, but out of print
SM 101
by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press
Dominance and Submission
Becoming a Slave
by Jack Rinella, Rinella Editorial Services
Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus
by Christina Abernathy, Greenery Press
The Loving Dominant
by John Warren, Greenery Press. No Kindle
The Mistress Manual: the Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance
by Lorelei, Greenery Press
Partners in Power
by Jack Rinella, Greenery Press
The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners
by Lady Green, Greenery Press
Protocols: A Variety of Views
by Robert Rubel, PhD,
Impact Play
The Compleat Spanker
by Lady Green, Greenery Press. No Kindle
Flogging
by Joseph Bean, Greenery Press
Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning
by Janet Hardy, Greenery Press
Bondage
Erotic Bondage Handbook
by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage
by Midori, Greenery Press. No Kindle
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage
by Lee Bridgett Harrington, Mystic Productions No Kindle
Back on the Ropes
by Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press
LGBTIQ
Coming to Power: Writing and Graphics on Lesbian SM
by Samois, Allyson. Out of print and no Kindle
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and Serious Player
by Joseph Bean, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Urban Aboriginals: The Celebration of Leather Sexuality
by Geoff Manes, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men
by Bill Brent, Cleis Press
The Master’s Manual
by Jack Rinella, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Miscellaneous
Anal Pleasure and Health: Guide for Men, Women and Couples
by Dr. Jack Morin, Down There Press
The Ethical Slut
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
The Family Jewels
by Hardy Haberman, Greenery Press
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
by Deborah Addington,
Greenery Press. No Kindle
LeatherFolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice
by Mark Thompson, Daedalus. No Kindle
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
by Tristan Taormina, Cleis Press
When Someone you Love is Kinky
by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst, Greenery Press
Healthcare Without Shame
by Charles Moser, Greenery Press. Out of print and no Kindle
Play Piercing
by Deborah Addington, Greenery Press
D/s Safety and Signs of Abuse
We have reposted this article with the kind permission of ownedgalbabs
Extract from Wikepedia
In BDSM, the term power exchange is associated with a submissive exchanging his or her authority to make decisions (whether just for a scene, or for his or her entire life), for the Dominant’s agreement to take responsibility for his/her happiness and health.
On a psychological level, much BDSM “play” involves power and dominance, in particular power exchange, with one person willingly handing over personal autonomy. This can range from addressing another person as “Master” or “Mistress” for a ten-minute scene, to a witnessed, formal collaring with a lifelong agreement which micro-manages the submissive’s life.
The latter is often referred to as total power exchange or TPE or 24/7 or 24/7/365.
In safe, sane and consensual BDSM, power exchange is always negotiated. Before play, the participants would discuss their physical and psychological limitations, establish safewords and work out what will happen.
A submissive is a person who submits or potentially submits to another. Within a BDSM-only context, submissive is sometimes synonymous with bottom. Submissives can vary in how serious they take their position, training, and situation. Reasons for this include relief from responsibility, being the object of attention and affection, gaining a sense of security, showing off endurance or working through issues of shame.
A Dominant is a person who exercises the power to take control of a person or situation through usage of some means (such as physical, mental, financial, etc.) on a regular basis; the gender specific titles being Dom for a man, Domme or Dominatrix for a woman. Reasons for this include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, being the object of affection and devotion.
In most power exchange as referred to in a BDSM scene, there are limitations on the power the dominant has over the submissive, include things such as safewords, time limits, or explicitly negotiated understandings of what is allowed.
“Topping from the bottom”, or the attempt by a submissive to covertly control the top, is considered poor practice within lifestyle BDSM and power exchange.
Are you or is someone you know in potential danger of abuse? Here are some questions and tips that may prove helpful.
Does your Master/Mistress scare you and make you feel fearful?
Has your Master/Mistress threatened to kill you?
Do you think you can never do anything right or please your Master/Mistress?
Have you ever been hit, pushed, choked, had your hair pulled, or been slapped by your Master/Mistress while He/She is angry and that these acts were at the time non consensual?
Does your Master/Mistress yell at you or tell you that you are worthless or no good, again outside of a scene and without negotiation or consent?
Do you believe you have to tip-toe around your Master/Mistress to prevent an outburst of anger?
Does your Master/Mistress try to limit the amount of time you spend with friends and family or on the phone or Internet?
Does your Master/Mistress make you do things you don’t want to do? I.e. push beyond your limits and demand you perform hard limits?
Have family or friends expressed their concern about your relationship?
Are your children afraid of your Master/Mistress?
Do you believe you deserve the abusive treatment you receive?
Do you realize you are abused but don’t know where to get help?
Has your Master/Mistress ever ignored or refused you the right to use a safeword?
Tips:
If you answered yes to several of these questions, please contact your local domestic abuse shelter. They can help you determine your options and will assist you in finding a safe place to stay while you sort things out.
Make an emergency kit that you can easily grab. It should have money, checkbook, credit cards, health records, school information, birth & marriage certificates, driver’s license, social security numbers, house & car keys.
Do not tolerate abusive behavior from your spouse. It won’t go away by denying it. The situation will only grow worse. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Another source of help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.) at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or (TTY). (UK Freephone) . Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
By no way is this post aimed at or meant to offend anyone. It is simply a message I felt is long over due to help those just entering the lifestyle or perhaps in existing relationships whereby they themselves might think a problem or possibility that abuse is likely. It is meant to help all women across the globe but with special emphasis directed at sistersubs and maintaining the integrity of our chosen lifestyle.
(Life Style for Dummies)
Bellow will be a Glossary.
If you know of words I have not posted,
Please feel free to either post them or send them to me via message...
I will update the list in each letter I post
Thank you for your help.
A
AB/DL - AB/DL is short for Adult Baby/Diaper Lover. It is a form of age-play where one person plays the role of a baby. Often an AB/DL will wear a diaper, drink from baby bottles and talk in baby talk. This is not always the case however and each AB/DL will have their own unique behavior
A person may identify with just one or both sides of AB/DL, for example, they might enjoy the sensation of wearing a diaper, but not consider themselves an adult baby, or age-player. I do not claim to know much about this lifestyle and will not go into it in detail.
Abrasion – To wear down the skin by using friction. Materials and toys such as sandpaper, steel wool, rough cloth, and bottle brushes are often used. This increases sensitivity while giving both pleasure and pain.
Acomoclitic – Preference for hairless genitals
Acucullophilia – Sexual attraction to men who are circumcised.
Adult Babies – Age play wherein the submissive is the baby. This may include diapering, powdering, wearing a pacifier, sleeping in a crib, etc. Rarely taken to a 24/7 extreme.
Adult Toy Chest – A place where one keeps their sex toys. A sex toy box.
Age Play – play that involves assuming the role of someone of a different age. Most commonly, one of the adults takes on the younger role, usually in the submissive capacity. Age-play is the role playing of a different age. Most commonly an age-player plays a younger person - a teen, child or baby... But occasionally will play someone older. An age-player will usually have a set age or ages they like to role-play and can snap in and out of their chosen role as appropriate. Age play may or may not be sexual, and depends heavily on the individual.
Age-play is often confused with littles as both involve adults behaving in a childlike manner, but while they may seem the same, they are not. They do work well when used together though.
Algophilia – Sexual arousal from experiencing pain
Allopellia – Reaching orgasm from watching other people in sexual activities.
Alligator Clamp – A type of nipple clamp with tips that have teeth resembling an alligators mouth. Most clamps of this style come with removable rubber tips and have adjustment screws to limit how far they can close.
Altocalciphilia – High heel fetish
Anal Dildo – A dildo that is intended to be used with the anus as the receptor.
Anal Intercourse – Sex using the anus as the receptor.
Androminetophilia – Sexual arousal from female cross dressers
Ankle Cuffs – Attachable cuffs, generally made of leather, that enable a Dom to immobilize his submissive’s legs
Ankle Restraint – Any device including ankle cuffs that immobilize a submissiveness legs.
Animal Training – Training where the Dominant has his submissive play the part of an animal, such as horses and dogs. The most common is “puppy play”.
Asphyxiaphilia – see breath control
Autoclave – Professional sterilization device for piercing equipment.
Auto-erotic Asphyxiation – see breath control
Autogynephilia – Sexual arousal from cross-dressing
B
Baby-girl - is any submissive who prefers a more gentle and nurturing type Dominant partner, a Daddy Dom. They may or may not have childlike tendencies but most at least have some behaviors in their personality that may seem adolescent. Like all submissive, a baby-girl feels happier and more secure when boundaries are placed on them by their Dominant partner, but they require a little more leniency than your typical submissive. A Baby-girl needs her Dominant partner to provide a safe secure environment to be free and to play rather than feeling the need to serve all the time. Not all baby-girls are little. a little is a type of baby-girl.
Baby-boy - I have put this in as I want to make it clear that the roles in this lifestyle are not gender specific. There are of course submissive males out there that prefer the gentler more nurturing Dominant partner. Baby-boys just like baby-girls may be childlike but may not be.
B&D, B/D, B/d – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position (Such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissive.
BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.
BDSM Toy Box – A place where one keeps their BDSM gear or play equipment.
BJ – expression for blowjob (fellatio); ditto in the BDSM lifestyle
Ball Gag – A device with a rubber ball and straps, which secures the ball in the bottom’s mouth to stifle screams.
Ball Stretching – The practice of stretching the scrotal sack so that it hangs lower using weights or other devices to pull on it above the testicles. As the sack is pulled, the testicles are squeezed leading to discomfort and sometime pain.
Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male testicles, also included in CBT or cock and ball torture.
Ball Toys – Toys used for playing with the scrotum – such as weights, straps, etc.
Ball Weights – Weights used to stretch the scrotum. See Ball Stretching
BalletBoots – Extremely high heeled boots that require you to stand on the ends of your toes rather than the sole of your foot. Usually they have heels that are 8-9 inches and require considerable training and ability to walk in without assistance. Sometime also referred to as bondage boots.
Barbell – A straight piece of metal used in piercing, as opposed to a ring.
Basoexia – Sexual arousal from kissing
Bastinado – Foot torture involving the soles of the feet.
Beating – General term for such BDSM activities such as flogging caning, spanking, strapping, etc.
Belonephilia – Sexual arousal from use of needles
Belt – A leather strap used for striking the buttocks.
Blend Modality – Depilation (hair removal) using both electrolysis and thermolysis.
Big - A big is the word to indicate someone who acts more "adult". I have seen it used in two different ways:
- It can be used (often by a little) to indicate someone who acts more adult than themselves: ie to describe a Daddy or friend who isn't "little"
- It can be used to talk about a little's more "adult" side.
Blindfold – By blocking out sight – a common technique in SM scene – the bottom feels more vulnerable and increases the release of endorphins, thus contributing to the excitement in the scene.
Blood sports – A group of techniques in which the submissive’s skin is broken and blood is allowed to escape. Such as cutting, using needles, etc. See also “Edgeplay.” (Not on this site)
Blowjob – Fellatio, head, sucking cock.
Body Art – Artful body modification including: piercing, tattoos and brandings.
Body Modification – Making alterations to the appearance of the body. Includes, but is not limited to, tattoos, piercings, brandings, scarification.
Body Shaving – Removal of hair with a razor. Female and male submissives commonly shave their pubic hair clean.
Bondage – Making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.
Bootlicking – Licking and cleaning of a Dominant’s boots by a submissive is a common show of submission. Can also be a fetish.
Bottom – A submissive.
Boy – Term for male submissive (also spelled “boi”)
Boy Toy – A male who is submissive to a dominant. Dominant can be either male or female.
Branding – Making a permanent or semi-permanent scar on the skin by burning it with a heated metal object. Usually used by a Master to “mark” his slave as his property.
Brat – Term for a sub who tries to get the attention of a Dom/me by “acting up.”
Breast Bondage – Tying up the female breasts with rope.
Breast Press – A device that squeezes the breasts.
Breath Control – another type of “edgeplay” whereby the submissive’s breath is stopped for a short period of time to increase pleasurable sensations. Also called asphyxiaphilia, autoerotic asphyxiation, breath games, breathplay and hypoxyphilia. Very Dangerous.
Bukake – Sexual scene where many men masturbate on and give a “semen bath” to a willing submissive
Bullwhip – A long, heavy leather whip usually longer than 4 feet.
Butterfly Board – A wood board where a male’s scrotum can be nailed or pinned onto.
Buttplug – a “sextoy” shaped to fit into and stay inside the rectum.
Buttplug Harness – Usually a leather harness that prevents a buttplug from being removed either intentional or accidentally from the rectum.
C
Cage – A bondage practice, wherein the submissive is kept inside a cage. They can be so small as to restrict motion or large enough for two or more people.
Candle – A source of hot wax, which is dripped onto the bottom’s body in BDSM play.
Caning – Using a rattan cane (although they are made of many other substances) on a Submissive. Usually more severe than a flogging.
Cat – An old school expression for an old school BDSM tool of discipline – the “cat o nine tails”.
Cat O Nine Tails – a whip that has exactly 9 strands. Some have a knot at the end for increased sensation or sting.
Catheter – Flexible tube used in medicine; in BDSM catheters designed for the bladder, often utilized in ‘control’ scenes.
Cathterophilia – Sexual arousal from inserting a catheters
CBT – Cock and Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male genital area; usually in controlled, consensual BDSM scenes.
Chastity Belt – A device used to keep the submissive chaste when the Dominant is away. Comes in both male and female models.
Chains – Multi-use metal links; used to restrain, restrict movement and/or tie up a submissive.
Chezolagnia – masturbating while defecating
Circumcision – The cutting away of some or the entire foreskin, in males. In the female, circumcision usually refers to the removal of the clitoral hood.
Clamp – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clamp some body part of a submissive.
Clingfilm – Generic term for plastic wrap which is used in mummification scenes.
Clip – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clip some body part of a submissive.
Clitoridectomy – Surgical removal of the clitoris.
Clitorilingus – Tonguing the clitoris. Also called “eating” which is easier to pronounce.
Clothespins – wooden or plastic clothespins, typically used to produce pain sensation on the skin. Usually on nipples and genital areas.
Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. Also known as Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps.
Coca-Cola Submissive – A submissive who only obeys the easy stuff or only when he/she feels like it.
Cock Cage – a CBT device that encase a penis shaft inside it. Can be either a solid or web design.
Cock Cuff – a chastity device that consists of a tube welded to a handcuff, usually both made of stainless stelel. The penis is slide into the tube and the handcuff closes behind the ball sack making removal all but impossible without unlocking the handcuff. A very effective chastity device.
Cock Ring – Rubber or metal ring that slips round base of cock and balls; supposed to increase duration of erection but also has D/s aspects to it.
Cock Strap – Leather or neoprene strap that wraps around the base of cock and balls to help improve erection.
Cock Sucking – see “fellatio” if you don’t already know.
Cock Torture – Cock and ball torture without the ball torture. Giving pain only to the penis shaft.
Color Codes – such as the hanky code of sexual preference.
Collar and Leash – Worn by the bottom during this type of BDSM play. The Dominant holds the leash and the bottom must follow and obey. Collars are also worn by the submissive as symbols of commitment and ownership.
Condom – Latex “rubber” that goes over the penis to prevent semen from entering a vagina. Also known as “rain coat” and “gym cap.”
Consent – To give approval. The BDSM code of “safe, sane and consensual” or “SSC” is the cornerstone of BDSM play. With consent being the most important.
Contract – A written agreement between D/s partners outlining the extent of their relationship. These contracts cannot be legally enforced, but they are often used to define the relationship. See also Slave Contracts.
Control – The Dominant should have control in one form or another over his submissive in any D/s relationship.
Coprolagnia – Sexual excitement derived from eating feces
Coprolalia – Sexual excitement from dirty words
Coprophilia – Gaining sexual pleasure from scat play.
Corporal Punishment – Retributive punishment using repetitive spankings and question and reply to change a bottom’s behavior.
Corset – Very popular clothing item that cinches and narrows the waist and gives the female an “hourglass” figure.
Crop – A type of whip used in horseback riding, quite popular in BDSM scenes. It stings and can mark a butt severely, but is easy to master and quite reasonable in price.
Cross – see St. Andrew’s Cross.
Cross Dressing – Dressing in clothing worn by the opposite sex. Does not indicate sexually preference in any way.
Crucifixion – BDSM play wherein a submissive is tied to a cross.
Cuff – A metal or leather bondage device that locks round a limb and can be used to immobilize the sub’s limbs.
Cunnilingus – Licking and sucking the cunt.
Cunt Torture – Stimulation or pain inflicted on the female genitals.
Cupping – The placing of suction devices on the skin to increase blood flow. Typically these are used on the nipples and the genitalia. Increasing the blood flow increase sensation as well.
Cutting – Cutting the submissive’s skin with a sterile knife. These can be either temporary or permanent. Made permanent by putting a sterile foreign substances into them before they heal. NOT for beginners.
D
Daddy – A role taken on by some dominants; especially common in age play or in a D/s relationship.
Daddy/Mommy (Not Dominant) - There are other variations to this lifestyle in which a daddy or mommy of a relationship is not Dominant - only really takes care and loves their little one, without the same level of control as a Daddy Dom or Mommy Domme. There is also another version of this lifestyle in which the little is actually the Dominant partner or switches, and the daddy or mommy are the submissive and serve their little one by taking good care of them and providing them with all they wish for, within reason. I don't talk about these alternatives all that much, as this site is intended to be around the Daddy Dom and submissive little girl lifestyle, and I don't know a great deal about these other lifestyles.
Daddy Dom - A Daddy Dom is a type of Dominant partner who is more nurturing and caring than your typical Master. He is always in control but in a different way to that of a Master. A Daddy Dom is not a father to his babygirl. A Daddy Dom will often lay out rules for his girl that help her to improve her life, not just please him.
DM – Acronym for Dungeon Monitor. In a BDSM play party, they watch the scenes to make sure house rules are followed and the play is safe.
DP – Double penetration.
D/s – Popular abbreviation for Dominance and submission. A relationship between a Top and bottom where one is Dominant and the other submissive. Can be for a scene or can be a long-term relationship or anything in between. (Also called Dom-sub, DS, D/S, D&S.)
Dacryphilia – Sexual arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of one’s partner. Something sadists sometimes find enjoyable or arousing.
Depilation – Removal of hair. Many Dominants require their submissive to shave certain areas, their whole body or just their pubic hair.
Dildo – A manufactured penis-shaped object.
Discipline – Whipping, spanking, verbal orders, etc for the purpose of training a submissive.
Dittle Sound – A straight urethral sound.
Doll - is a type of submissive that is not quite within this lifestyle, but commonly associated by people I speak to. A doll is a submissive who strives to please their Dominant by being dressed up, put on display, played with like a doll, etc. There is often a focus on how a doll is dressed and made up. Every doll is different and the relationship between a doll and her Dom will vary from person to person. Not all dolls are sexual. A doll may prefer a Daddy Dom type partner, or a stricter Master type. Many dolls while not being "mindless" in their everyday life enjoy being able to lose their free thought while being "dollified" by their Dom. A doll may be dressed to appear childlike on occasion, but aren't typically childlike in behavior.
Dog-Training – Role-play games involving treating the bottom as a dog. Similar to Pony Training where the bottom is treated like a pony.
Dom – Short for Dominant.
Dominant – A Top. who controls a bottom, submissive, or slave.
Domination – Taking the Dominant role – controlling the bottom’s behavior, it can be role-play or in a D/s relationship. Dominatrix – A Domme; it implies being a professional.
Domme – A female Dominant. Can also be used interchangeably with Mistress
Double Penetration – Simultaneous penetration of the ass and pussy.
Douche, Douching – Injecting of a liquid, usually water, into the asshole or pussy, usually for hygiene purposes prior to sex or ass play.
Duct Tape – Also known as gaffer’s tape; used in many BDSM scenes (such as taping the submissive’s mouth shut). Dungeon – Dramatic term for a BDSM or Bondage playroom.
E
EMS Unit – see Tens Unit
Ecdyosis – Sexual arousal from stripping in front of an audience
Ecdysiast – A stripper
Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” Or considered “Extreme” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, etc. One person’s edge can be another’s norm so there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.
Edgeplayer – A person who partakes in edgeplay.
Electrical Play – Using electricity for stimulation. Professionally made electrical units are to be used – like the “tens” unit and the “violet wand.” Not for beginners
.
Electrolysis – Permanent electric hair removal.
Electrotorture -Another, more dramatic, term for electrical play.
Emasculation – Permanent removal of the male sex organs. Sometimes simulated through the use of a chastity device or through a dominants restrictions forbidding typical male behavior such a urinating while standing.
Endorphin – A chemical produced in the body that seems to be involved in regulating the perception of pain. Endorphins give a “rush” similar to adrenaline (which is released simultaneously) and it is speculated that their release is the cause of the phenomenon known as “subspace.”
Enema – A thorough anal douche using a bag and tube.
Enema Play – Using the enema as a BDSM device in play.
Enforced Chastity – Chastity play where the Dom controls a sub’s sexual frequency and ability to experience sexual pleasure, usually with a chastity belt or other chastity device.
Extreme Restraints – A Bondage device that is very strict or terribly confining, usually not something used on beginners.
F
Face Fucking – another term for a blowjob.
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Fainting – A temporary loss of consciousness. Caused by lack of oxygen to the brain, can happen during extreme BDSM play – such as breath control, long pain sessions, etc. Can be dangerous (brain damage) when caused by breath control play.
Felching – Imbibing semen out of the vagina or anus
Fellatio – Giving head, a blow-job (BJ), going down on someone, being face fucked: the act of sucking or licking a penis, or having a penis inserted in the mouth.
Fellatrix – Someone whose specialty is Fellatio.
Femdom – A female dominant
Female Domination – Being controlled or lead by a female.
Fetish, Fetishism – An unusual obsession with something. Like a leather fetish, a latex fetish or a shoe fetish. Fetishes are only limited by the human imagination.
Fetish Attire – Clothes that reflect the wearer’s particular fetish, such as leather, latex, rubber or high heels.
Figging – Inserting a piece of fresh, skinless ginger into the rectum which causes a hot burning sensation without any lasting damage.
Financial Domination – Controlling another’s financial matters or money.
Fire Play – The use of fire in sexual play.
Fisting – also called fist fucking and FF. Attempting to place the whole hand into the rectum or vagina. Must be done with great care and sterility. Can provide exceptional orgasms.
Flagellation – BDSM-related whipping, beating and spanking for erotic stimulation.
Flogger – a multi-tailed leather implement.
Flogging – using a “flogger” on a submissive.
Foley Catheter – Type of catheter that can be inflated with sterile water.
Foot Worship – A foot fetish where the submissive worships the Dominants feet, usually in high heel shoes or boots.
Freeplay – BDSM play where there is no Domination or submission.
Frenum – Piercing the surface of the penis shaft.
Forced Lactation – Continual stimulation and sucking of the female nipple can sometimes produce milk. Also known as forced breast milking
G
Gaffer’s Tape – see Duct Tape.
Galateism – Sexual attraction to statues
Gauge – System of grading the thickness. The lower the number, the thicker the wire or material.
Genitorture – Pain play involving the genitals. (See Ball Torture, Cock and Ball Torture, Cunt Torture).
Gerontophilla – Preference for sex with the elderly
Go Down On – Still another of the endless terms for fellatio.
Golden Showers – Urination play. Also called (duh) “piss play.” And GS.
Gym Cap – Slang for condom.
Gynemimetophilia – Person sexually aroused by a female impersonator
H
Hafada – Piercing through the upper part of the scrotum.
Handcuffs – Commonly used BDSM device to restrain the wrists.
Hanky Code – Old guard leather community’s color code of sexual preference.
Harness – Elaborate bondage device made with leather straps worn on the body
Harpaxophilia – Arousal from being robbed
Hedralingus – Licking someone’s anus (also called rimming.)
Henna – A brown dye made from the leaves of the henna plant. Used in temporary tattoos.
High Heels – Popular objects of foot fetishists, along with boots.
Hobble Skirt – Very narrow skirt that restricts the wearer’s ability to take anything other than tiny steps.
Homilophilia – Sexual arousal from hearing sermons
Hood – A head covering, usually made of leather, that the Dominant wears to increase the “fear factor” in a BDSM scene or a submissive is made to wear to provide some degree of sensory deprivation.
Horse – In bondage, it is a modification of a sawhorse over which a submissive can be tied. Sometimes called a spanking bench.
Hypophilia – Breath play wherein sexual pleasure is derived from limiting the intake of oxygen. Usually accomplished by temporary choking. Very Dangerous.
I
Iantronudia – Sexual arousal from exposing oneself to a medical doctor
Iconolagny – Sexual arousal from statues of nude people
Immobilization – Extreme form of bondage where no body parts can move, one example is mummification. Not for beginners.
Infantilism – Role-play as a young child for sex play
Infibulation – closing off, obstructing or modifying, either permanently or temporarily, the male or female genitalia so as to alter or prevent the conduct of sexual intercourse.
J
John – A person who patronizes prostitutes.
Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. General preferred because they won’t easily slip off.
K
Kleptolagnia – Sexual arousal from stealing
Klismaphilia – Sexual arousal from giving or getting enemas
Knife Play – A specific form of “edgeplay” where the Dominant uses a knife to either cut or tease the submissive.
Knot – The easiest way to fasten rope in bondage.
Knismolagnia – Sexual arousal from tickling
Kolpeuryntomania – Sexual arousal from forced dilation of the vagina
L
Lactaphilia – Sexual arousal from lactating breasts
Lash – A strike from a whip, paddle, crop or flogger.
Latex Play – Play which uses paint on latex.
Leather – One of the most popular of fetish materials; many get excited by the look and/or feel of leather clothing, boots, etc.
Legcuffs – large handcuffs intended to be used to immobilize or restrict movement of the ankles
Leg Irons – Steel ankle cuffs. Patterned after British prisoner restraints. “Put him in irons!”
Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go. It can be a “soft limit” which can change over time, or a “hard limit” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “fisting is my hard limit.” Or soft!
Little - little is a type of submissive who has an innate childlike side to their personality. It is not a roleplay thing and most littles have considered themselves "immature" most of their lives. A little has what I like to call a "loud inner child. a little their feelings of insecurity, dependence and vulnerability by acting childlike. Each little will have their own approximate age range they feel but may not be able to tell you precisely as their "little age" will vary based on their emotions and their environment, it's not usually a precise chosen age.
Lorum – Piercing through the skin on the underside of the penis.
Lunge Whip – see Quirt.
M
Ma’am – Term of respect for a female Dominant.
M/s – Master/slave. (Also, less popularly, MS, M&S or M-s)
Macrogenitalism – Sexual arousal from outsized genitals
Maid – Popular role-play where the submissive dresses up – and acts like – a maid.
Maieusiophilia – Sexual arousal from pregnant women
Malacca – A thick cane.
Maledom, male dom – A male Dominant.
Male Domination – BDSM play where a male is the one in control or who controls the submissive.
Mammagymnophilia – Sexual arousal from female breasts
Manacle – Metal restraints.
Martinet – Small flogger.
Masochist – One who gets pleasure from pain.
Master – Dominant, controlling partner in a D/s relationship, where the submissive partner is known as the slave.
Medical Scene – BDSM scene involving medical scenarios.
Menophilist – Sexual arousal from women on their period
Mentor – A teacher or advisor who often shows a “newbie” around the world of BDSM and D/s.
Merinthophilia – Sexual arousal from bondage
Middle - is a term that I only hear on occasion, but felt it was worth adding. A middle is a babygirl who like a little can often feel younger than their typical "adult self". What makes a middle different to a little is middles feel older than your typical "little". Only some people prefer to use this term to define a little who behaves more like an adolescent (or even young adult) rather than a child. This is also a type of babygirl, and most people who would fit under this category would just call themselves baby-girl
Mistress – Female analogue of Master.
Mommy – Analogue of Daddy in BDSM play. Sometimes submissives call their Mistress “Mommy.” (Not allowed on this site)
Mommy Domme - This is just added to explain that my explanations are not intended as gender specific. Mommy Dommes exist and just like Daddy Doms are more gentle and nurturing than your typical Mistress or Master type.
Mousetraps – Used as a BDSM device for nipple torture. A severe and pain cheap nipple clamp.
Mummification – A unique kind of bondage scene in which the whole body is wrapped tightly in a film – typically plastic wrap. (You never thought it would be used for that, did you?). Not for beginners.
