Active Ink Slinger
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I am brand new to the idea of having a master, I have my own limits....how do I find a "good" master, one that I am compatible with?
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How to pick a Master?
Lurker
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should they be a fellow virgo : )
Active Ink Slinger
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That is an interesting thought 
Active Ink Slinger
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It is going to be a trial and error process. Find someone who is comfortable with your limits (and you to theirs). It is much like finding a partner in a relationship. You can fuck just about anybody, but finding someone you would actually want to interact with (significant others and Masters alike) takes time. In your case, I'd probably find an experienced Master. Someone who knows the drill and can teach you. Hope this helps, message me with specific questions if you wish.
Ferte in noctem animam meam, Illustre stelle viam meam. Aspectu illo glorior, Dum capit nox diem. Cantate vitae canticu, Sine dolore acte, Dicite eis quos amabam, Numquam obliviscar.
Lurker
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It is certainly an area to tread with a great deal of caution and open eyes. It is made a little more difficult just to find just the right one as everyone has their own ideas about the lifestyle. Never compromise your own ideas and ideals for the sake of just having a Master is about the best piece of additional advice I can give on what is in truth a very complex subject. I am currently putting the finishing touches on the first of three novels devoted to one womans search for the right Master.-MV
Advanced Wordsmith
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Like the dude above said, it's trial and error. When the right Master comes along, you will know, trust me. My Slave had two Masters before me, but as soon as we fucked for the first time, we just knew.
She was mine.
She was mine.
Cock Connoisseur
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Picking a Master is not like trying to find a ripe watermelon. It should never be about trial and error. This type of relationship is a deep one and one that should not be made lightly or uninformed. This trial and error method people are suggesting can be a very dangerous one. There is so much more to it than sexual compatibility, yes its a huge part of it, but only 1 part of it. If you are only out to play then I suppose that type of method would work. But if this is who you are, than I strongly urge you to look deeper and realize that it starts with the relationship first and foremost. The emotional connection and bond. The minds melding as one long before the bodies do. If all you have is hot amazing sex, then there will be so much that goes unfulfilled and that will doom the relationship before it starts.
Lurker
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I am also looking but believe your heart will know when you have found the right one.
Lurker
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Quote by Ravyn
Picking a Master is not like trying to find a ripe watermelon. It should never be about trial and error. This type of relationship is a deep one and one that should not be made lightly or uninformed. This trial and error method people are suggesting can be a very dangerous one. There is so much more to it than sexual compatibility, yes its a huge part of it, but only 1 part of it. If you are only out to play then I suppose that type of method would work. But if this is who you are, than I strongly urge you to look deeper and realize that it starts with the relationship first and foremost. The emotional connection and bond. The minds melding as one long before the bodies do. If all you have is hot amazing sex, then there will be so much that goes unfulfilled and that will doom the relationship before it starts.
I agree with this answer ...I didn't have any trail and error ...I was always curious and my Master told me I was a natural sub and it is true ...we started as friends and our feelings grew stronger and it was a mutual and most natural decision ...We are completely happy with our relationship. ..He is perfect for me and I feel truly blessed.
Buxom Enigma
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I completely agree with what Ravyn says above. There are so many aspects to this type of relationship, and sex is merely one of the ingredients. One of the most important things you'll find is integral here (both in deep relationship and play) is TRUST. Since there is a degree of sadism/masochism in each relationship, there is always the potential for pain, both physically and emotionally.
Many women (myself included) start into this lifestyle with eyes wide open and some end up falling into a pit (as I did). Test the waters, explore them, search them out and familiarize yourself with as much as you can.
Be careful, and wary of the masses of "wanna-bes" and posers that are out there. Education is key. Learn as much as you can about the way a REAL Master conducts Himself. A real Master isn't boastful. In fact, I find the need to post this from another thread here:
http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst31610_The-Man--The-Master.aspx
Words anyone will agree with.
Many women (myself included) start into this lifestyle with eyes wide open and some end up falling into a pit (as I did). Test the waters, explore them, search them out and familiarize yourself with as much as you can.
Be careful, and wary of the masses of "wanna-bes" and posers that are out there. Education is key. Learn as much as you can about the way a REAL Master conducts Himself. A real Master isn't boastful. In fact, I find the need to post this from another thread here:
http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst31610_The-Man--The-Master.aspx
Words anyone will agree with.
"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader - not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon." -E.L. Doctorow
Active Ink Slinger
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The post little_kitty is referencing was posted by littlebirdie92.
After typing that I had to pause for a second.
I agree with Ravyn it is not like picking out a ripe watermelon or any other fruit or vegetable. It is about asking questions of people and learning about yourself. I would say that the fact that you know you have limits is a good start. If I had a nickel for everyone that said "I am willing to do anything" let's just say I would not have any financial problems ever.
But feel free to bend the ears of people on here that you are friends with. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask questions of people. There are people here who are labeled as Masters and some of them are very willing to just answer questions and help people.
People like Ravyn or Skye who are very comfortable with who they are and know a good bit about the differences and the path in the lifestyle can be great people to ask about feelings and in some cases what to avoid.
I will always answer questions from anyone wanting to learn. I feel that is something that is completely necessary in figuring out who you are.
After typing that I had to pause for a second.
I agree with Ravyn it is not like picking out a ripe watermelon or any other fruit or vegetable. It is about asking questions of people and learning about yourself. I would say that the fact that you know you have limits is a good start. If I had a nickel for everyone that said "I am willing to do anything" let's just say I would not have any financial problems ever.
But feel free to bend the ears of people on here that you are friends with. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask questions of people. There are people here who are labeled as Masters and some of them are very willing to just answer questions and help people.
People like Ravyn or Skye who are very comfortable with who they are and know a good bit about the differences and the path in the lifestyle can be great people to ask about feelings and in some cases what to avoid.
I will always answer questions from anyone wanting to learn. I feel that is something that is completely necessary in figuring out who you are.
If you have read 50 Shades of Gray and think that you are ready to be a dom or a sub. Then you have a lot to learn.
Follow my slave's blog slave skye's real life blog if we can get 100 followers she is going to start posting pictures!!! I know there are at least 100 of you that want to see that click the link enter your email and follow. We hit 100 then she has said she will post a picture of herself.
Follow my slave's blog slave skye's real life blog if we can get 100 followers she is going to start posting pictures!!! I know there are at least 100 of you that want to see that click the link enter your email and follow. We hit 100 then she has said she will post a picture of herself.
Advanced Wordsmith
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What to Look For in a Dom/Master
The skill set required of a dom in a lifestyle D/s relationship is rather different than that for a top in an S&M scene, although there's overlap. The focus of this article is lifestyle doms. (See Relationship Variations article.) Most of these traits are straight out of the best-practices manual for vanilla relationships!
Note: I run the risk of simply summarizing my own style as a dom here. I've tried to look beyond that, and solicited feedback from sub friends.
Honesty and transparency. He answers any question you pose, shares things you should know unprompted, and hides nothing about his life. He's willing to discuss previous relationships in detail, and doesn't blame breakups mostly on the ex-partners.
Has tried kink and craves more. He wants kink for how it makes him feel, not just because you want it. He's not conflicted about it. He enjoys educating himself on the topic, and has kinky friends and/or mentors. (Because it's easier to meet appealing men in ordinary social situations, many sub gals make the mistake of falling for vanilla guys who seem to have dominant attributes. Vanilla boys cannot be converted to doms!)
Vanilla chemistry. You like each other as people, not just as kink providers! He likes you as much as you like him. He doesn't pull you into D/s dynamics until you get familiar with each other. (This can be hard to resist! See D/s Gravity article.)
Compatible life patterns and goals. Some subs, and doms, are more adaptable than others. But in general, chemistry is not enough; you need basic alignment in schedules, habits, needs for solitude & attention/affection & kink/sex, and social patterns (e.g. a social butterfly may not be well-matched to a homebody). Career and family needs and dreams also need to line up, or be adjustable!
Vision and clarity. He has a picture or plan for the future of the relationship. He sees possible paths from the present to that place, and makes the current path clear to his sub. The journey may well alter his vision of the destination, or the route to it.
Emotional sophistication. He's aware of his own feelings and issues, and able to discover and understand yours. He can ask for help when he needs it and lend help when you ask. He's not easily angered or hurt, but will promptly and calmly tell you when he is. He'll call you on your stuff, and allows you to call him on his.
Dedication to self-development. He's constantly working on himself — especially emotional and social skills. He's at peace with who he is, but isn't complacent. He learns from his mistakes. (This trait can fill a lot of gaps if he learns quickly, but it's not a substitute for missing abilities.)
Curiosity and fascination. He's profoundly interested in you, and your dynamics together, and the aspects of himself that you enable him to explore.
Intuition and empathy. He's good at reading you, and eventually predicting your likely responses in key moments. He communicates his insights about you. He has a sense of how you feel, which impacts his own mind-state.
Humility and confidence. He knows his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He knows his strengths. He takes risks wisely. He doesn't mistake authority for knowledge and understanding. He owns it when he's at fault or has failed.
Sets limits and pushes limits. One point of D/s is redefining both partners' boundaries, emotionally and physically. A dom guides this process, both by setting beneficial restrictions on his partner, and working to dismantle barriers she may have towards him.
Patience and flexibility. He's willing to invest the time and care necessary for a deep relationship. He knows you're not superhuman. He can take "no" for an answer when necessary. He can devise or embrace alternate routes to his objectives.
Appreciation and encouragement. He conveys to you how good he feels with you. He celebrates your talents and accomplishments. He doesn't criticize you unfairly or needlessly. He urges you to pursue your interests, to hone your strengths, to address your weaknesses. (Appreciation can be overdone. A sub should draw greater meaning from acts fulfilling her partner's needs than from praise for performing them.)
Knowledge of the body. He can touch you in an observant way, or a directive one. He learns how to play your body like an instrument. He is aware of his own body. He can sense when either of you needs rest.
Financial stability. He has his own living space. His debt to income ratio is manageable. (Disposable income to spend on fetish gear is nice, but do-it-yourself projects can replicate much of it. Wealth is not essential to happiness, in fact it can get in the way.)
Cares for himself. He's sensible about nutrition, sleep, exercise, grooming, clothes, car, etc.
If you find a gent with all of the above qualities, and he's into you, be willing to bend over backwards and forwards for him daily. He's a rare find!
What's Irrelevant
Looks. How someone feels to you in person — through eyes, voice, energy — is far more important than how statuesque or photogenic he is.
Need for control. Some doms like to supervise a sub closely and often, others do so far less. How dominated a sub feels is not a matter of how often her dom barks orders. Most control freaks don't qualify as doms.
Social and workplace dominance. Romance novels describe heroes who somehow control every situation they encounter. No one does that. Almost all kinky gents are employees of some kind. And anybody is comfortable in certain social situations and less sure of themselves in others.
D/s experience. If a guy hasn't "owned" a sub before, it doesn't mean he's not qualified. Talent and dedication to honing it are more crucial than experience.
Thought this posting could help you out ..
The skill set required of a dom in a lifestyle D/s relationship is rather different than that for a top in an S&M scene, although there's overlap. The focus of this article is lifestyle doms. (See Relationship Variations article.) Most of these traits are straight out of the best-practices manual for vanilla relationships!
Note: I run the risk of simply summarizing my own style as a dom here. I've tried to look beyond that, and solicited feedback from sub friends.
Honesty and transparency. He answers any question you pose, shares things you should know unprompted, and hides nothing about his life. He's willing to discuss previous relationships in detail, and doesn't blame breakups mostly on the ex-partners.
Has tried kink and craves more. He wants kink for how it makes him feel, not just because you want it. He's not conflicted about it. He enjoys educating himself on the topic, and has kinky friends and/or mentors. (Because it's easier to meet appealing men in ordinary social situations, many sub gals make the mistake of falling for vanilla guys who seem to have dominant attributes. Vanilla boys cannot be converted to doms!)
Vanilla chemistry. You like each other as people, not just as kink providers! He likes you as much as you like him. He doesn't pull you into D/s dynamics until you get familiar with each other. (This can be hard to resist! See D/s Gravity article.)
Compatible life patterns and goals. Some subs, and doms, are more adaptable than others. But in general, chemistry is not enough; you need basic alignment in schedules, habits, needs for solitude & attention/affection & kink/sex, and social patterns (e.g. a social butterfly may not be well-matched to a homebody). Career and family needs and dreams also need to line up, or be adjustable!
Vision and clarity. He has a picture or plan for the future of the relationship. He sees possible paths from the present to that place, and makes the current path clear to his sub. The journey may well alter his vision of the destination, or the route to it.
Emotional sophistication. He's aware of his own feelings and issues, and able to discover and understand yours. He can ask for help when he needs it and lend help when you ask. He's not easily angered or hurt, but will promptly and calmly tell you when he is. He'll call you on your stuff, and allows you to call him on his.
Dedication to self-development. He's constantly working on himself — especially emotional and social skills. He's at peace with who he is, but isn't complacent. He learns from his mistakes. (This trait can fill a lot of gaps if he learns quickly, but it's not a substitute for missing abilities.)
Curiosity and fascination. He's profoundly interested in you, and your dynamics together, and the aspects of himself that you enable him to explore.
Intuition and empathy. He's good at reading you, and eventually predicting your likely responses in key moments. He communicates his insights about you. He has a sense of how you feel, which impacts his own mind-state.
Humility and confidence. He knows his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He knows his strengths. He takes risks wisely. He doesn't mistake authority for knowledge and understanding. He owns it when he's at fault or has failed.
Sets limits and pushes limits. One point of D/s is redefining both partners' boundaries, emotionally and physically. A dom guides this process, both by setting beneficial restrictions on his partner, and working to dismantle barriers she may have towards him.
Patience and flexibility. He's willing to invest the time and care necessary for a deep relationship. He knows you're not superhuman. He can take "no" for an answer when necessary. He can devise or embrace alternate routes to his objectives.
Appreciation and encouragement. He conveys to you how good he feels with you. He celebrates your talents and accomplishments. He doesn't criticize you unfairly or needlessly. He urges you to pursue your interests, to hone your strengths, to address your weaknesses. (Appreciation can be overdone. A sub should draw greater meaning from acts fulfilling her partner's needs than from praise for performing them.)
Knowledge of the body. He can touch you in an observant way, or a directive one. He learns how to play your body like an instrument. He is aware of his own body. He can sense when either of you needs rest.
Financial stability. He has his own living space. His debt to income ratio is manageable. (Disposable income to spend on fetish gear is nice, but do-it-yourself projects can replicate much of it. Wealth is not essential to happiness, in fact it can get in the way.)
Cares for himself. He's sensible about nutrition, sleep, exercise, grooming, clothes, car, etc.
If you find a gent with all of the above qualities, and he's into you, be willing to bend over backwards and forwards for him daily. He's a rare find!
What's Irrelevant
Looks. How someone feels to you in person — through eyes, voice, energy — is far more important than how statuesque or photogenic he is.
Need for control. Some doms like to supervise a sub closely and often, others do so far less. How dominated a sub feels is not a matter of how often her dom barks orders. Most control freaks don't qualify as doms.
Social and workplace dominance. Romance novels describe heroes who somehow control every situation they encounter. No one does that. Almost all kinky gents are employees of some kind. And anybody is comfortable in certain social situations and less sure of themselves in others.
D/s experience. If a guy hasn't "owned" a sub before, it doesn't mean he's not qualified. Talent and dedication to honing it are more crucial than experience.
Thought this posting could help you out ..
Lurker
0 likes
These are very interesting answers what about husband and wife. Should that be an automatic as Dom/sub roles? Or could that be the opposite in trying something new without the other one, but with full knowledge of what the other is doing.
Lurker
0 likes
Quote by Pussy_Predator
What to Look For in a Dom/Master
The skill set required of a dom in a lifestyle D/s relationship is rather different than that for a top in an S&M scene, although there's overlap. The focus of this article is lifestyle doms. (See Relationship Variations article.) Most of these traits are straight out of the best-practices manual for vanilla relationships!
Note: I run the risk of simply summarizing my own style as a dom here. I've tried to look beyond that, and solicited feedback from sub friends.
Honesty and transparency. He answers any question you pose, shares things you should know unprompted, and hides nothing about his life. He's willing to discuss previous relationships in detail, and doesn't blame breakups mostly on the ex-partners.
Has tried kink and craves more. He wants kink for how it makes him feel, not just because you want it. He's not conflicted about it. He enjoys educating himself on the topic, and has kinky friends and/or mentors. (Because it's easier to meet appealing men in ordinary social situations, many sub gals make the mistake of falling for vanilla guys who seem to have dominant attributes. Vanilla boys cannot be converted to doms!)
Vanilla chemistry. You like each other as people, not just as kink providers! He likes you as much as you like him. He doesn't pull you into D/s dynamics until you get familiar with each other. (This can be hard to resist! See D/s Gravity article.)
Compatible life patterns and goals. Some subs, and doms, are more adaptable than others. But in general, chemistry is not enough; you need basic alignment in schedules, habits, needs for solitude & attention/affection & kink/sex, and social patterns (e.g. a social butterfly may not be well-matched to a homebody). Career and family needs and dreams also need to line up, or be adjustable!
Vision and clarity. He has a picture or plan for the future of the relationship. He sees possible paths from the present to that place, and makes the current path clear to his sub. The journey may well alter his vision of the destination, or the route to it.
Emotional sophistication. He's aware of his own feelings and issues, and able to discover and understand yours. He can ask for help when he needs it and lend help when you ask. He's not easily angered or hurt, but will promptly and calmly tell you when he is. He'll call you on your stuff, and allows you to call him on his.
Dedication to self-development. He's constantly working on himself — especially emotional and social skills. He's at peace with who he is, but isn't complacent. He learns from his mistakes. (This trait can fill a lot of gaps if he learns quickly, but it's not a substitute for missing abilities.)
Curiosity and fascination. He's profoundly interested in you, and your dynamics together, and the aspects of himself that you enable him to explore.
Intuition and empathy. He's good at reading you, and eventually predicting your likely responses in key moments. He communicates his insights about you. He has a sense of how you feel, which impacts his own mind-state.
Humility and confidence. He knows his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He knows his strengths. He takes risks wisely. He doesn't mistake authority for knowledge and understanding. He owns it when he's at fault or has failed.
Sets limits and pushes limits. One point of D/s is redefining both partners' boundaries, emotionally and physically. A dom guides this process, both by setting beneficial restrictions on his partner, and working to dismantle barriers she may have towards him.
Patience and flexibility. He's willing to invest the time and care necessary for a deep relationship. He knows you're not superhuman. He can take "no" for an answer when necessary. He can devise or embrace alternate routes to his objectives.
Appreciation and encouragement. He conveys to you how good he feels with you. He celebrates your talents and accomplishments. He doesn't criticize you unfairly or needlessly. He urges you to pursue your interests, to hone your strengths, to address your weaknesses. (Appreciation can be overdone. A sub should draw greater meaning from acts fulfilling her partner's needs than from praise for performing them.)
Knowledge of the body. He can touch you in an observant way, or a directive one. He learns how to play your body like an instrument. He is aware of his own body. He can sense when either of you needs rest.
Financial stability. He has his own living space. His debt to income ratio is manageable. (Disposable income to spend on fetish gear is nice, but do-it-yourself projects can replicate much of it. Wealth is not essential to happiness, in fact it can get in the way.)
Cares for himself. He's sensible about nutrition, sleep, exercise, grooming, clothes, car, etc.
If you find a gent with all of the above qualities, and he's into you, be willing to bend over backwards and forwards for him daily. He's a rare find!
What's Irrelevant
Looks. How someone feels to you in person — through eyes, voice, energy — is far more important than how statuesque or photogenic he is.
Need for control. Some doms like to supervise a sub closely and often, others do so far less. How dominated a sub feels is not a matter of how often her dom barks orders. Most control freaks don't qualify as doms.
Social and workplace dominance. Romance novels describe heroes who somehow control every situation they encounter. No one does that. Almost all kinky gents are employees of some kind. And anybody is comfortable in certain social situations and less sure of themselves in others.
D/s experience. If a guy hasn't "owned" a sub before, it doesn't mean he's not qualified. Talent and dedication to honing it are more crucial than experience.
Thought this posting could help you out ..
Thanks for the share. This is all good to know and very helpful.
Active Ink Slinger
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Lurker
0 likes
Masters..you can see it in their eyes...why go out shopping, when one could be next door. BDSM is not about play, its about a role...not played.
Cock Connoisseur
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Quote by adagio
Masters..you can see it in their eyes...why go out shopping, when one could be next door. BDSM is not about play, its about a role...not played.
I disagree, its not about a 'role'. A D/s relationship is about who you are fundamentally. Yes some out there like to roleplay it and nothing more and that's fine if that is what you are after. Finding a Master or a submissive/slave takes a long time, or should. You can't not know someone's heart and mind and agree to a D/s relationship, or any relationship for that matter.
Active Ink Slinger
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Not here....
Lurker
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Quote by SeaSiren
Not here....
Really?? Cause I've talked to a few of people here on lush, who are in a BDSM relationship (because I am curious about the life style) both Doms and subs and they are extremely happy and some are even in love and are truly committed to each other. So depending on what one is looking for I am sure some could find a Master or Mistress or sub.
Lurker
0 likes
Quote by SeaSiren
Not here....
Lurker
0 likes
Quote by SensualRose
Really?? Cause I've talked to a few of people here on lush, who are in a BDSM relationship (because I am curious about the life style) both Doms and subs and they are extremely happy and some are even in love and are truly committed to each other. So depending on what one is looking for I am sure some could find a Master or Mistress or sub.
Yes, but be VERY careful. Lush has a great BDSM couples but also a lot of fakers and people who have no clue what they are doing. If you don't know what to look for a lot of fakes could pass off as the real deal for a while.
Which sucks cause I hate putting up with trolls for no reason.