I also remember telling my mom that it was me. Not dad. And to please stop. And she just insisted....and at the time, I thought I was supposed to do what she said...I...I just obeyed because I thought I had to. We're Korean...they expected me to just do what they said. And at 10 years old, I still tried so hard to please them. Oh God, this is so sick...
I told my sister once. She told me that it probably wasn't anything? Or to talk to a therapist...but she wasn't very invested. She didn't see to care. They always think I exaggerate things. They never believe anything I say. Or take me seriously. I feel like nobody takes me seriously.
'These include: denial, helplessness, dislike of sex, anger, self-blame, anxiety, shame, nightmares, fear, depression, flashbacks, guilt, rationalization, mood-swings, numbness, promiscuity, loneliness, social anxiety, difficulty trusting oneself or others, difficulty concentrating. Family and friends experience emotional scarring including a strong desire for revenge, a desire to "fix' the problem and/or move on, and a rationalization that "it wasn't that bad".'
Symptoms of...assault or abuse or whatever name you give it. I...I can relate to almost every word or phrase in that list. The only thing I would say I don't relate to is "dislike of sex", I guess.
Thinking too much. I am on my period. Maybe I'm overreacting? My boyfriend tells me I do that a lot.
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lalalala
Over 90 days ago
Female, 154
United States
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
I'm not old, but for as long as I could remember, I was obsessed with having a relationship or having a boyfriend. I went through an embarrassing bout in elementary school of staring at guys I liked and trying to talk to them. And they all thought I was creepy and they pushed me away. I've had one long-distance relationship. One fling. A one-nightstand without intercourse after he told me that he would be in a relationship with me.
For a while, I was fine. I..I was just like, "Fuck the world and everyone in it. I don't need a boyfriend." I'm going to try to be okay with being single, is what I thought.
But then I heard Teenage Dream covered by Katy Perry covered by a guy, but the lyrics were changed from "let's go all the way tonight" to "let's just talk all through the night". And I started to go all gaga for him because I felt like he was singing to me. I thought about sending him a drawing of his band and a picture of myself. And then I realized that the guy probably already has a girlfriend and it would be another long-distance relationship. How stupid am I.
It breaks my heart because the way he sings is so sweet and intimate in a way that I am impatiently waiting for someone to do for me.
Not necessarily singing. But...you know. Saying all of those things. Saying "you're pretty". Things like that.
And that stupid boy who gave me oral and left me just totally exploited that. He took my heart, gave me hope, and crushed me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.
And sometimes, I feel like if I can get some guy to touch me and make me feel good, it won't be the same as having someone love me. But maybe it'll be enough for now.
But even this is destroying me. Why do I feel so lonely all the time?
I know that I'm young, and it'll probably happen eventually. But...can't I just have one remotely healthy mutual relationship? It's not like I try to flirt with guys here to meet them in person. I always meet who I want to date at school or whatever...
For a while, I was fine. I..I was just like, "Fuck the world and everyone in it. I don't need a boyfriend." I'm going to try to be okay with being single, is what I thought.
But then I heard Teenage Dream covered by Katy Perry covered by a guy, but the lyrics were changed from "let's go all the way tonight" to "let's just talk all through the night". And I started to go all gaga for him because I felt like he was singing to me. I thought about sending him a drawing of his band and a picture of myself. And then I realized that the guy probably already has a girlfriend and it would be another long-distance relationship. How stupid am I.
It breaks my heart because the way he sings is so sweet and intimate in a way that I am impatiently waiting for someone to do for me.
Not necessarily singing. But...you know. Saying all of those things. Saying "you're pretty". Things like that.
And that stupid boy who gave me oral and left me just totally exploited that. He took my heart, gave me hope, and crushed me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.
And sometimes, I feel like if I can get some guy to touch me and make me feel good, it won't be the same as having someone love me. But maybe it'll be enough for now.
But even this is destroying me. Why do I feel so lonely all the time?
I know that I'm young, and it'll probably happen eventually. But...can't I just have one remotely healthy mutual relationship? It's not like I try to flirt with guys here to meet them in person. I always meet who I want to date at school or whatever...
Active Ink Slinger
I'm really into watching guys masturbate. In fact, my favorite website is nextdoormale. But I've been thinking about sex at random times of day, like in class or with family. (Awkward!!!) I don't have a lock on my door and my sister bursts into my room sometimes to see the family dog because he likes being with me, but I'll be watching porn or typing dirty stuff so I have to quickly close the window or turn my huge 23 by 14 inch computer screen away for her to not see. I do masturbate and rub my clit, but it doesn't stimulate me enough. I like it best when I let the water from my bathtub hit me, but that causes my discharge to thin. I have a friend with benefits, but he lives more than an hour's drive away from me and I can't drive myself. Sometimes, I wish I could just live by myself so that I could watch guy solos and masturbate in privacy...I know the first thing I'm thinking of buying when I get my own checking account will be a vibrator or a subscription to nextdoormale. I would want to webcam with my ex long-distance boyfriend and jack-off together, but sometimes he wasn't in the mood for it. Oh, and by the way, I'm still a virgin. Sometimes for a whole week, I'm just thinking about sex. Then the next, I'm fine and I don't have any dirty thoughts. However, I'm the first one of my friends to make a "that's what she said" joke at any time.
Am I too horny? Am I addicted to porn? I should probably get a lock for my door and buy a vibrator...but I'm not financially independent yet. T.T
Am I too horny? Am I addicted to porn? I should probably get a lock for my door and buy a vibrator...but I'm not financially independent yet. T.T
Active Ink Slinger
For me, it's....*gulp*
kinda everywhere.
My love already found all of my reaaaally sensitive areas.
But my unexpected erogenous zones are:
the underside of my thighs
my sides
my lovehandles
right underneath my breasts on my ribcage. Guess he didn't really find that...
right where my jaws starts on the sides. it's crazy. I hear this rush of blood in my head when I'm touch there.
But I'm so sensitive that if somebody starts rubbing my hands or my arms the right way, I get wet.
kinda everywhere.
My love already found all of my reaaaally sensitive areas.
But my unexpected erogenous zones are:
the underside of my thighs
my sides
my lovehandles
right underneath my breasts on my ribcage. Guess he didn't really find that...
right where my jaws starts on the sides. it's crazy. I hear this rush of blood in my head when I'm touch there.
But I'm so sensitive that if somebody starts rubbing my hands or my arms the right way, I get wet.
Active Ink Slinger
I wanted my hair really short for a loong time. Sometimes, my hair stylist wouldn't want me to cut it short so she would persuade me. But I occasionally just cut it with scissors out of frustration. Right now, my hair is shortish. When I tie it in a ponytail, I don't get all of it and it's just this non-layered bob. But yeah, I've had it boy short. I want to try a pixie cut someday.
Active Ink Slinger
32 or 34 B. But I'm very confused. My sister SWEARS I'm a C-cup. I used to be very jealous of my friend with E or F size breasts. She would get so much attention from men and she just laughed it off. However...now she feels that she is a sex object to people. I have a faint hope that my breasts will keep growing because I'm 18. But my boyfriend loooved them, so I'm not very worried. I guess there are those Victoria's Secret bras that can make you feel bigger if you're ever wanting your man to get another eyeful, but for the most part, my man can't keep his eyes off of them!
Active Ink Slinger
Wow, finally! A man who appreciates something different! I cut my hair short and my boyfriend told me, "Well, you definitely look better with long hair." and it kind of hurt my feelings. It made me self-conscious about my new short hair that I was previously so proud of. I LOVE having my hair short. It goes more with my personality, I feel. And long hair is just a hassle to me sometimes.
