Randy had joined a gym downtown. He was addicted to working out, the way Josh was to cigarettes. One evening, out on the patio, he asked me if I wanted to go work out with him the next day. I bummed a Marlboro from Josh. “There’s your answer.” Really, working out negates all the good you get from the booze and tobacco.

About two weeks after we moved in Randy came home one night with a grin on his face. “I think I’m going to ask out this girl from the gym.” He showed us a slightly out-of-focus cellphone picture. The girl was short, maybe blond, indistinct facial features, and seemed to be standing in a locker room.

“What’s so special about her?” I asked.

“This is the fourth straight day this chick has “accidentally” wandered into the guys’ locker room. Each time she takes a little longer looking around before saying, ‘Oops, sorry’,” Randy replied. “I’m ready for her tomorrow. She always pulls this shit at about 6:45.”

The next evening Randy came home late, almost eight o’clock. Seems he had stayed naked in the locker room from 6:30 to 7:45 and the chick never showed. “I did get one interested party,” he said. “The guy came up to me and asked if I came there often. Then he asked me if I’d ever considered shaving my pubic hair the way he had. I looked down and saw he was hard. I told him I was flattered, but I was also straight.”

Randy went out to a bar with us over the weekend looking for snatch, but came up empty. Just like the rest of us. Paul actually got a girl who was real interested and was all over him. She was making out with him in a booth and had her hand on his crotch. I figured Paul had gotten lucky. When she came up for air Randy laughed. He recognized the girl so he walked over to talk to her.

“Hi, there,” said Randy. “I haven’t seen you since yesterday when you showed me your shaved dick and balls in the locker room.” It’s a wonder what makeup and a wig will do for a guy’s appearance. Paul politely thanked “her” for the attention, and joined us at the bar. We had all struck out.

Monday Randy was back in the gym. This time, on the dot, the girl walked “accidentally” into the guys’ locker room at 6:45. Randy told us the story.

“You seem to be lost. Can I help you?” Randy was naked and absently tugging at his tool.

“Yeah, I’m looking for the power tools department,” she replied with a grin. “You got any?”

“I have a wonder-tool on special. It’s a combination jackhammer, piston-slammer and muff-flattener all rolled into one. It can even work as a hole-digger.” Randy had minored in English in college and was pretty inventive with words.

“I was hoping for a larger model,” the girl replied, and then laughed. “You’re cute.”

He said they chatted for about ten minutes while the girl gave his tool a closer feel. “And it’s a hand tool also!” she exclaimed.

Fifteen minutes later, they were in the back of Randy’s van. Twenty minutes after that they were both short of breath and satisfied. They got down to small talk.

“I’m Randy. What’s your name?” I’m not sure, but I don’t think I had ever in my life asked that question after sex.

“I’m Barb. I can see that you’re randy, but what’s your name?” A girl with a sense of humor.

They made a date for the next night to meet in the parking lot at 6:45 and skip the charade about the locker room. Barb followed him home in her car. Josh was out with Veronica, so it was just me and Paul on the patio drinking beer and bullshitting.

“That woman is going to kill me,” said Paul. “Twice now she’s come over here and flashed her tits at me, flirted with me, played with my dick, and then left.” It was obvious he was talking about Lucy.

“Her sister is a carpet muncher. Maybe she is too?” Paul was searching for some rationale other than ‘Lucy doesn’t want to have sex with me.’

“Probably not,” I said. “I asked Danny yesterday at the store what was up with Lucy. He said she is the world’s premier dick tease. He added that when she’s decided she’s done teasing, she moves in for the kill. He promised you’d get laid, just on Lucy’s terms instead of yours.”

That’s when Randy and Barb walked in. They joined us on the patio after hitting the refrigerator for beers. It was pleasant outside, so Randy dropped his clothes in the kitchen and wore only his jock. Barb stayed dressed – for the moment. She asked if we had any cardboard and a marker. Not sure what this was about, Randy retrieved them.

Barb made up a sign and stuck it to the wall. “Pants Free Zone.” A few weeks later, she replaced it with a wooden sign atop a stake. It’s still there.

We got introductions all around. Barb looked at Paul with mischief in her eyes; Paul said he was hoping he would have a girlfriend shortly.

“Well, shit,” said Barb. She unceremoniously stood up and removed her sports bra and cutoffs. No panties- this was a treat. “I was hoping to do a real sexy strip tease for you, but not if you’re unavailable.”

“What about for me?” I asked.

She looked me up and down, and then frowned.

“You’re probably a nice boy, but frankly I prefer guys who work out a lot. And whose underwear doesn’t date from the Jurassic Period.”

Sonja hadn’t cared about my tighty-whiteys, so I didn’t particularly give a shit.

Barb turned to Randy. “I’ve never been to Coitus Quarter before. How do they feel about sex in public? And, while you’re answering, lose the jock.”

“I told you I liked them subtle,” said Randy as he stepped out of his jock strap. “We don’t know how they feel about sex in public; we haven’t been here very long. Do you want to test the limits?”

Barb pointed at the lounge chair. “Lie down.” Randy knew how to take orders and was shortly supine on the lounge. Barb said, “Snatch sandwich time,” then lay down on top of him with her crotch at his mouth. Well, what’s a guy to do?

While Randy was eating a box lunch, Barb talked to me and Paul. “He fucks like a dream, but I need the whole package. I want to try out his (ooh!) tongue. So far it’s (giggle) going OK. Alright, better than (moan) OK. Say, could one of you get me a (oh my God!) condom?”

I looked at Paul, who told me that he was the only one in the house not getting laid. At least he could watch, and I should go get the lady a condom. I got the lady a condom.

Barb took the condom in her mouth and rolled it onto Randy’s ready rod. With it in place, she started bobbing her head up and down on his tool, and then paused while she shuddered in an orgasm. Like they say, one just isn’t enough, so she swiveled around and settled her motor on his dipstick. Barb rode him like a racehorse. She was slapping his thigh and yelling “Ride ‘em Cowgirl!” when Randy heaved upwards and filled her cooze with cum.

They got their breath for a minute before Barb spoke again. “I guess Randy told you I was cruising the locker room when we met. I just adore naked men. So, what are you guys waiting for?”

The request seemed simple enough. Paul and I stood up and dropped our drawers on the patio, then waited for more instructions.

“You’re Paul, right?” she said to my taller roommate. He nodded. “And you’re not getting laid?” He nodded again. “Would you like to get laid right now?” Paul nodded eagerly. “Well, it ain’t gonna happen.”

Paul looked crushed. He already was semi-hard in anticipation, and the deflationary spiral was already beginning to appear.

“But, there’s a consolation prize.” Barb, still astride Randy and his rocket, motioned Paul forward. She took the matter firmly in hand and gave him a moment to remember. His sperm doused her tits. Barb scooped some up on her fingers and brought them to her mouth. “Next time I’ll share.”

“You want me to eat my own cum?” Paul was incredulous. “I’m not gay.”

“Nobody said you were,” replied Barb. “But Randy’s gonna learn to eat his own cum if he wants to keep getting laid. Girls think it’s hot.”

“I’m gonna do what?” Randy asked.

“Don’t give me that shit,” Barb told him. “I like my men manly, cut, hung and obedient.” She turned to Paul. “Well?”

Paul thought for a moment. “Probably tastes like chicken,” he said. We all cracked up.

“My turn?” I asked. “Randy got to fuck; Paul got a hand job, what’s in it for me?”

“Sweet dreams and a chance to do some working out. Starting with your right hand.” Barb was to the point.

We all got more beer, and finally Josh got home. He had met Veronica at the apartment she shared with Sonja. Veronica told him that Sonja was out – something to do with a Policeman’s Ball. I guess I couldn’t get too jealous.

Josh had stopped at the convenience store for smokes and stripped to his boxer briefs. When he got to the patio, he kicked them off, then sat down and started on his beer.

“I’m Josh, by the way,” he said to Barb.

“We’re related, then,” said Barb. “I’m Barb by the way. It’s a big family.” Josh gave a polite chuckle.

“Danny probably has the world’s biggest collection of novelty underwear,” Josh told us. “Crystal brought him in a pair of Daffy Duck boxers as a gift. He went into the back and changed from his Superman briefs.”

“Who’s Crystal,” I asked.

“That’s his sister. It’s her middle name. The only person who calls her Clarissa is Danny’s sister. She doesn’t like the name, but if Lydia wants to call her Ass-Face, it’s fine with her.

“Crystal runs a club on the edge of town and invited us there next weekend. It’s called – wait for it, you know you’re going to be surprised; you’ll never guess the name – Crystal’s. Danny said he’s never been there because it’s strictly twenty-one and up; he’s only nineteen. He’s heard stories, though; Crystal will neither confirm nor deny them. Something about a lock-down party.”

The only one of us who had ever heard of a lock-down party was Barb. She addressed Randy.

“Hey, you with his dick still in my pussy, if you’re still randy by the weekend we’re going.”

We all had questions. If Barb had answers, we never heard them. She just said that everybody randy should go there at least once.

Hell, I’ll be Randy. I’ll by Josh, Paul, or Rumplefuckinstiltskin if she wants. In my case, I guess that’s Rumpled Fuckin’ Foreskin.