"No, I'm not doing it." 

"But dinkums." 

"I'm not doing any more." 

"Sweety-pie." 

"Don't you dinkums and sweety-pie me, I've said 'No' and I mean it."

"What's the matter? Didn't you enjoy yourself? You did get a nice Georgie Eliot helping hand and you definitely seemed to get into the Orpheus and Eurydice storyline. Wasn't that fun?" 

"Do the words 'pathetic lyre-playing dickwad jerking on his cocklet' ring a bell?"

"Oh you're not still sulking about that, are you? 

" I'm not sulking."

"Pouting provocatively then? Would you like a little kissy to make it all better?"

"Fuck off. I'm not playing. That's it. End of."

"Oh that's a shame. Especially since I've made some special arrangements. I guess we'll just have to do it without you. It's not as if you're actually essential to the storyline, I just thought you might enjoy yourself." 

"What do you mean, 'special arrangements'? Who's we?" 

"I've invited Selena from the pub to come and help. She'll be here in a bit. Did I not mention it? Must have slipped my mind." 

"Selena!? Who's Selena?" 

"The young girl who works behind the bar, the one who wears those corduroy pinafore dresses with the ridiculously high hemlines. The one whose panties you spend half your pub time trying to catch a glimpse of."

"She's coming here? Why?" 

"Because I asked her to help with the story. The story you're quote, 'not doing,' unquote." 

"I could be persuaded. What's it about this time? Another pretentious mythological, literary bit of wank?" 

"It's horror, so I'm doing 'Daughters of Darkness'." 

"Never heard of it."

"1971, Belgian horror noir cult movie featuring oodles of hot lesbian vampires."

"Hot lesbian vampires?" 

"Oodles of them." 

"And Selena knows this? And she's up for this?" 

"Yup. She's going to be your wife; the demure, slightly submissive, possibly virginal, not very worldly, but rather intoxicating, Valerie."

"And I'm?" 

"You're Stefan." 

"Are you going to tell me about it or not?" 

"You sure?" 

"Yep." 

"You and Valerie are visiting Bruges on your honeymoon, when young ladies start appearing in the streets naked and drained of blood." 

"Lesbian vampires!?" 

"Their victims. You have a rather eroticised reaction to the sight of these naked, blood-drained, corpses and, well, there's no nice way of putting this, take your belt to Valerie and fuck her in a frenzy of sadistic lust. Following which you decamp to Ostend because you're going to catch the ferry to England to present your new bride to your mother. Who, and don't ask me why, is a corpulent, cross-dressing sissy. With me so far?"

"I think so. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Where are all the lesbian vampires?" 

"Just arriving, in the form of me, the Countess Bathory, and my courtesan, the stunningly gorgeous, Ilona. Hold a mo, let me find you a pic of Ilona." 

"Fucking hell. She's..." 

"I just love her hair. That Seventies bob cut. Black like her soul, gleaming in the candlelight, captivating the camera with her every movement."

"Look at her fucking tits. Wow." 

"And her lips. Full, red, suckable, kissable, a plump invitation to feast and devour her entirety." 

"Fucking amazing tits. Fuck. God she's hot." 

"And yes, she's got great tits, which is why you seduce her. Or is it that she seduces you, not that it really matters. Anyways Valerie and I go out for a little 'girl time' and whilst we're away you and Ilona fuck like ... well a bit like a smarming, seedy, sadist and a nymphomanic, undead, vision of fleshy delights, with great tits. Oh, look whose private is on parade again. And I haven't even got to the best bit."

"What's the best bit?" 

"Unfortunately, seeing as you're both naked, with sweat slicked, post-coital flesh, you think it would be best if you had a shower together." 

"Mmmmm. Soapy tits rubbing at my back. Ilona's fingers stroking at my parading private." 

"But she's a vampire and fears the sprinkling water. There's a struggle as you try to force her into the shower, she slips, catches her wrist on an open razor and bleeds to death on the bathroom floor. Naked, obvs, with her stunning breasts looking absolutely fabulous in the overhead, straight down, camera shot."

"Ohhhh."

"Which is when I return with Valerie to discover that I am now courtesan-less. Which, given that I am Elizabeth Bathory, is not something I find pleasing and means I now have a courtesan shaped vacancy and a rather fetching, eager, young, nubile, candidate on my arm."

"Valerie? My wife? You're going to seduce my wife and turn her into a vampiric courtesan?" 

"In front of you. Whilst you watch. In our bedroom. You in the Lloyd Loom with, by the looks of it, your private standing rigid to attention and Selena and me writhing on the bed. Naked. Limbs entwined." 

"Ohhhhh. Yes."

"My fingers twirling through her hair as I pull her mouth to mine. The first tentative kisses quickly ascending to lustful slatherings. Lips pressed hard together. Tongues dancing. Thrusting into saliva soaked caverns as her soaked cunt rubs wantonly on my thigh."

"Fuck, yes."

"Capturing her bottom lip between my teeth. Tugging. Feeling her heated, moaning, desperate, whimpering breath fluttering across my face. The softness of her breasts pushing hard into my chest. Nipples flicking across each other; new found friends engorged and throbbing, teasing each other's sensitive erect nubs. Oh and it seems they're not the only sensitive, erect nub."

"No."

"Poor boy. Look at you, all swollen and twitchy. I do so love it like that. My little baby private trying his utmost to look like a big tough soldier. How cute. Don't touch it, I want to watch it pulsing untended as Selena arches her back, her soaked pussy grinding down hard on my thigh, mouth open in plaintive, needy whimpers of desire, sobbing her sapphic, vampiric lust into the musk filled air."

"Oh fuck." 

"Humping herself senseless as my mouth finds her appreciative breasts. Lips gorging on her flesh, fluttering across her skin, sucking her deep into the welcoming cavern of my mouth."

"Fuckety-fuck." 

"I said don't touch it."

"God, please." 

"Suckling her nipples, tongue lashing, teeth nibbling, dragging her into me, making her mine, making her one with me. Her every desire mine to succour and reward. Her every need mine to fulfill. Just mindless, quivering, spasming, desperate flesh. Just like you."

"Yes, yes, yes." 

"Just a fingertip to run up the underside of your pretty private. Trickling. Caressing. Adoring every raised vein, every imperfect bump of throbbing flesh."

"Noooo."

"How prettily she moans trapped at the edge of her release. Sobbing and begging and pleading to be thrust into the everlasting bliss of being my courtesan. Entrapped in adoration and longing. Hungering for a life eternal as a nocturnal, vampiric, lesbian slave. And all I need do is release her pleasure."

"Please."

"Mmmmmm. Maybe, but no touching." 

"Oh fuck, fuck, fuck." 

"Should she cum? Should I take her, possess her, claim her as mine? Should I sink my teeth deep into her neck as her body writhes, as the pleasure overwhelms her?" 

"Please. Please can I cum? " 

"If you must."

"Ohhhhhhh fuuuuuccckkkkk."

"How yummy. Oh look at it thrashing and bouncing about. Such a needy little cocklet, and such beautiful creamy ribbons of pleasure. I do so enjoy watching them spurt in hopeful arcs, their power and passion diminishing with every muscular pulsation. Quite the yummiest. But you're dribbling now and making a mess, so you'd better get to and clean it up."

"Mmmmmm."

"You can start with this splatter on my hand."

"Of course."

"Good boy." 

"She's not coming is she." 

"Who?" 

"Selena." 

"Of course not, sweety-pie."

"God you're a manipulative fucking bitch." 

*smiles*

"That's why you love me."