Henry Exeter

5410 Montana Avenue 

Everheart, ND

Dear Everheart Grourmet Subscriber:

Welcome to my latest installment of the Everheart Gourmet Newsletter in which I inform the residents of Everheart of the ever-changing culinary offerings here in our fine community.

After many requests, I can finally provide you with a full review of the gentlemen's supper club out by the train tracks: Tits and Tacos. 

Tits and Tacos serves workingman's fare out of a medium-sized cinder block building. There is ample parking, and, as far as I know, Tits and Tacos is the only restaurant in Everheart with a full-time doorman. 

On my first visit, I sampled the lunch menu. The interior of the restaurant is done in dark colors with tasteful black velvet paintings adorning the walls. There is one painting of dogs playing poker that is enchanting. Seating is first-come-first-serve, with booths, tables, and counter seating at a centrally located dance stage. Being that I was dining alone I chose a seat at the counter.

After opening the menu I was surprised to find out that Tits and Tacos does not serve tacos or any other Mexican food. The name is a reference to the entertainment, not the cuisine. Instead of south-of-the-border fare, the menu listed a solid but unoriginal selection of burgers, streaks, and sandwiches. The beverages consisted of soft drinks, energy drinks, bottled beer, tap beer, and wine by the glass. 

The service at Tits and Tacos is prompt and friendly. I ordered the Hot Mama burger with Tater Tits. The burger was a cheeseburger with spicy barbecue sauce and Tater Tits are just their clever name for tots. However, both the burger and potatoes were well cooked. I appreciate a chef that can do the simple things well, and Tits and Tacos has that, which is more than can be said about some of the eating establishments in Everheart.

The entertainment is provided by exotic dancers. Each girl comes out and dances for one song wearing a revealing outfit. During the second song, she takes off her top, revealing the tits for which the restaurant is named, and during the last song she removes her panties and then dances in a manner that maximized views of her taco.

The girl working on stage while I ate my Hot Mama Burger, was billed as Pandora, but I knew her better as Sylvia Olafson who I had known in high school when we both had summer jobs at Arby's. The restaurant was not yet busy so Sylvia had time, while displaying her breasts and her vagina, to chat with me a bit about what she had been doing since I last saw her. She worked at Anderson Hardware for a while after high school but didn't take to it and is now working at the Tits and Tacos to save up money for veterinary school. Sylvia is just as bubbly and charming today as she was back when we worked at Arby's and I can honestly say that a visit to Tits and Tacos when Sylvia is on stage should be on everybody's to-do list.

That evening I returned to sample the dinner offerings. The menu is the same in the evening. I dined at the counter adjoining the dance stage again and ordered jalapeno poppers for an appetizer and surf and turf for the entree. The first dancer that night was Raven, previously known as Agnes Peterson, who used to be the pharmacy assistant at Sven's Drug Store. Well, my jalapeno poppers popped and Agnes was just as sultry on stage as she used to be handing out condoms at the pharmacy.

My surf-and-turf, a sirloin steak with a single fried prawn on the side, baked potato, and a dinner roll, was well cooked but a little skimpy. It is not a meal I can recommend for a hungry farm worker after a day of baling hay, but what was there was good quality. While I lingered over my entrée Candy took the stage. 

Candy, who I knew as Amy Bluker, has bootstrapped her success at being elected the Soybean Queen at the county fair a few years ago into being the evening headliner at Tits and Tacos. She has the physical attributes that make farm girls famous and a natural knack for show business. After her set, for a mere twenty dollars, I was allowed a private interview during which she filled me in on what she had been up to and gave me many delightful close-up views of her feminine charms. She is now separated from Andy Bluker, but the divorce has not soured her at all on men and she is dating again. She said that If I or any of my friends were interested in dating her, we should make arrangements with the doorman.

I give Tits and Tacos a seven out of ten stars. The food is simple but well prepared, and the entertainment features excellent examples of midwestern womanhood. I'd had some reservations about dining while naked women danced that close to my food, but after a couple of trips to Tits and Tacos, I am a convert. I fully intend to become a regular, and you should too.

Stay tuned. Next week: Arby's.

Yours Truly

The Everheart Gourmet