As I climbed over the railing, he caught on to my intentions.
Carolyn ... wait ... what are you doing? You cannot swim!
"I can't spend the rest of my life like this, Percy."
Gathering all the courage within me, I decided to face Death and peered down at the rushing water below. Tears stained my cheeks as I released my grip on the railing.
No! I forb-
The sting of the icy water cut through his last word to me.
~ooOoo~
One month prior...
I had enjoyed another afternoon with my classmate, Edward, getting a bite to eat at a local pub. His friendly demeanour whisked away my shyness. Our conversations freely flowed and we even enjoyed a few lively yet painless debates. There was no such thing as a painless debate with Percy. This was something that nagged the back of my mind.
I returned to my flat, somewhat concerned about Percy's emotional state. He had been quiet throughout my afternoon with Edward. He didn't make me wait long before sharing his thoughts.
Edward arouses you. I feel it.
Sighing, I replied, "Percy, we've been over this. He's just my friend."
When will you bring him to our bed?
"Never! I've told you I believe monogamy is best for me. I don't understand these ideas of yours, Percy."
That is your religion talking! Mary and I frequently invited our housemates to share in our lovemaking.
"You did? That just ... just doesn't seem like what God intends for me, Percy. The romantic in me believes in one man and one woman."
Each person found it fulfilling, Carolyn. I trust you will find it satisfying. And when he makes love to you, I will bask in not only your ecstasy but his as well.
My chest tightened. "Percy, please don't hurt me. Why do you hurt me?" My eyes filled with tears.
I'm teaching you the errors in your thinking, and as such, perfecting you.
"I don't like you angry. You scare me."
Then do not anger me, Carolyn. I do not like when you anger me either. It drains me.
Defeated tears wet my cheeks. I never seemed to gain his understanding of my beliefs.
I will give you time to reflect and accept and then you will bring Edward into our bed.
Fearing another painful response from him, I voiced agreement but knew it was something I could never do. At least, those were my thoughts at that time. Percy had a way of breaking my resolve, which was proving more and more troubling. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to separate his thoughts from my own. In truth, my greatest fear was losing myself entirely to Percy.
My heart, however, battled my head over Percy and wouldn't accept the man I loved wasn't who I thought he was, so I kept blaming myself for our uncomfortable fights. At times I grew anxious tiptoeing around his feelings, carefully choosing subjects for discussion. It became clear we had vastly different ideas about the world. I didn't understand why, but it was of utmost importance to Percy that my views aligned with his. Often, I questioned my well-being with him, then we would enjoy intimacy and those worries would be masked by love. Truly, I did love him and his passionate side and would resign myself, once again, to strive to keep him content and happy with me.
The next morning, I took Percy to the harbour, which he always enjoyed. We happily chatted and he assisted me in my poetry. I basked in his company as I had in the beginning of our relationship. That night, Percy and I lay in bed. He was stimulating the sensitive skin on my neck, being even more affectionate than of late. Somehow his kisses dissolved any hurt from earlier fights.
Carolyn?
"Yes, Percy."
I want you to touch yourself. Intimately.
I sucked in my breath. "Percy, I can't. Haven't ever. I ... I just can't."
A woman should not be ashamed of her sexuality.
"Touching myself as you suggest seems unnatural to me. Surely against God?" I knew I was treading on dangerous territory again, but had to voice my worry.
What, God wants to deprive you of your pleasure?
"I ... I don't know."
Seek happiness in your pure and perfect bosom. Touch yourself.
I hesitated.
Obey me, Carolyn.
I slid my hand up my nightgown and softly grazed my nipple. It tingled by my touch. I repeated my movements on the other nipple. Both stiffened instantly.
WItness how they delight from your touch.
Despite my reservations, I couldn't deny the aching now present between my legs. My fingers explored my breasts, massaging, pinching my nipples until moans escaped my lips.
That is good, my darling. Your sexual energy brings me nourishment.
"Percy..."
Slide your hands over your body. Feel your contours, Carolyn. There is nothing in the world as magnificently designed as a woman's form. Your scent. Your curves. Your textures. All were created to arouse and stimulate.
My hands traced my ribs then slid lower, hesitating at the waistband of my panties. With bravery, I slipped a hand inside and between my thighs. Excitement was building. My skin flushed with arousal. My breath quickened.
Graze your fingertips along your silky folds, my love. When ready, slip one finger inside your moist centre. Do you feel your wetness?
Gingerly, I dipped a finger inside my most private of places. Warmth and wetness greeted me. My natural instinct was to raise my hips, meeting my finger, engulfing it deeper. These were the first physical touches inside my sacred space. I was grateful Percy was here to guide me, helping ease me into this previous self-forbidden experience.
Bring your finger to your nose and deeply, slowly inhale, my beloved.
His words shocked me. "Percy ... I ... I can't."
Do it, Carolyn. Smell that which draws me to you.
Not wanting to disappoint him, I removed my finger and brought it to my nose. Catching the first whiff of my sex surprised me. The odour was not something familiar, but not unpleasant either.
Now taste yourself. Taste what a man will delight in tasting.
I obeyed, easing my finger inside my mouth then back out again. Hmmm. I wasn't quite sure how to describe the taste, but like my smell, thankfully not unpleasant.
Return your fingers to your sodden centre.
Between my legs ached for my attentions again. This time, I bravely inserted two fingers, plunging in and out with more gusto.
Your growing arousal arouses me in kind. How does that feel?
"Good," I said between gasps. My voice quivered with my legs as my body raced toward that glorious edge.
Explore, my darling. Discover your depth. I accompany you on your journey of self-discovery.
I varied my thrusts, stroking my inner walls, twisting my fingers, plunging deeper until my palm cupped my mound. So good! My fingers felt soooo good!
"Percy!" I screamed as my body shuddered and trembled, hips continuing to buck against my pleasuring fingers.
Flood my Spirit with your sweet release, Carolyn!
His Spirit pressed upon me, comforting me throughout my release. Afterwards, contentment provided me with a peaceful night sleep. Any fears I had about Percy had been temporarily laid to rest ... for that night anyway.
Despite the next few days passing without incident, worries of how Percy treated me resurfaced. I longed to see Edward and asked him to meet me at the harbour. It was nice to have a friend I could actually see. Not so long ago, I had treasured friends, but then I retreated from life after my mother died. I guess guilt and sadness, maybe a little depression, took their toll on me. And then I met Percy and he brought me out of my isolation, showing me the life I'd been missing.
As we walked, Edward stopped us to watch boats coming into the harbour. His scent was different today - sandalwood. I recognized it because my father wore that scent. Curious how I was becoming more acutely aware of things I couldn't experience with my love, Percy.
"I love the water, Carolyn. There's something calming about it."
"I have always loved the water too, despite the fact I can't swim."
He turned to me, mouth agape. "No? Seriously, you can't swim?"
"Nope. And many have tried teaching me."
"I bet I could teach you," he winked. "I was a prominent member of my grammar school swim club, you know."
"No, I did not know, but prominent or not, you couldn't teach me to swim."
"That sounds like a challenge!" His eyes widened in excitement, "I know ... I will teach you to swim and you will teach me to write like one of the great poets." He winked at me again and playfully bumped his shoulder against mine. “You know, your recent poetry keeps getting better and better ... reminds me of Keats.”
“Keats! That's quite a compliment, Edward.” I turned and sat down on the bench behind us, patting the empty spot beside me.
He joined me and continued, “I mean it, Carolyn.”
He stretched his arm behind me, resting it on the back of the bench. I felt his hand grazing my shoulder and couldn't help enjoying this closeness with Edward.
My eyes drifted down to his jeans and the noticeable bulge in the crotch area. Of late, I had found myself surveying Edward's body - his broad shoulders, muscled arms, etched jawline. I would describe him as ruggedly handsome - a sharp contrast to Percy's pretty-boy good looks. His presence stirred something sensual within me and my panties dampened.
My gaze lingered too long and when I met Edward's eyes, his face was plastered in an all-knowing grin. His hand gently squeezed my shoulder and my body ignited. His touches had quite an effect on me.
