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Totally Unacceptable

Dedication: This story is just a bit of fun and is respectfully dedicated to all the tireless story checkers on Lush, whose hard work makes this site possible and who have to put with rubbish like this every day. Also, thanks must go to Fugly, whose story "Bag of Lush All Sorts" was the inspiration for this piece.

I was in only my second month at Global Biofuels and still finding my way around the organisation. As the head of procurement in a modern, forward-thinking, ethical company, I had to work closely with the Director of Governance, Cat Holmes - and that's where the problems started.

I was fixated with her - her striking looks, the way she carried herself - I lusted after her. I needed to have sex with Cat, I needed to fuck our DoG.

"You're the rape guy, right?" she enquired at our first meeting.

"Yes, it's my job to acquire oilseed rape for our biodiesel division," I stammered - disarmed by her beauty and poise. We were at a senior management team-building day - constructing rafts out of oil drums and driftwood. Bad enough at the best of times but in the middle of February this was employee abuse! I soon discovered that we were both totally unwilling participants in this exercise and we joked about escaping it. I wanted nothing more than to run away with her; even in a cagoule and sturdy walking boots she had an intoxicating effect on me.

Afterwards, I offered her a lift back in my 1958 Morris Minor. Her eyes lit up when she saw its classic lines. "Minors turn me on so much," she enthused. "When I see a Minor I just want to run my hands all over it."

"Look, rape guy, I'll be blunt." She was always blunt, years working in the bear-pit of the city derivatives markets had made her hard-nosed and straight-talking. "It's my birthday on 29th February - I was going to invite these other losers to dinner at my place, but what do you say - just you and me. As it's leap year day, it's only the ninth time my birthday has fallen on the right date, so you'd better make it special." How could I refuse? I couldn't believe it - this was it - I was going to fuck her on her ninth birthday!

What was I doing? This was insane! Sex with someone on the executive board was so dangerous - if things went wrong it would be career suicide. But I couldn't help myself - she had me under her spell.

On the evening itself, I arrived at her apartment - punctually, but shaking with nerves. She answered the door wearing a short blue dress and, I suspected and later confirmed, nothing else. She invited me in. The apartment itself was large and modern - the main living area dominated by the large pieces of pop art she used to decorate the place. The huge pieces of graphic artwork clashed violently with each other.

I followed her to the kitchen. Once in there, she offered me a joint. "Is roast lamb ok with you? I thought you could carve it."

I tried to slice the meat, but my hand was shaking like crazy. "Are you going use that knife or just play with it," she mocked. In the end I just ended up mutilating the piece of meat - the evening hadn't started well and my nerves were just getting worse.

She must have picked up on my nerves because she decided to lighten the mood. "I'll put some music on - do you like jazz?"

"Err, yeah, sure, I'm a big fan." I choked on my reply as she leaned back over her kitchen counter to switch on the CD player. Her hard nipples poking through the thin material of her dress. The familiar strains of Minnie the Moocher filled the room and surprisingly provided a calming effect on me.

"I have an eclectic taste in music - I need different artists for every mood," she told me. "When I'm kick-boxing I need Trivium, when I'm playing chess I listen to Debussy."

"And what do you do when you listen to Cab Calloway?" I asked.

"I fuck. Something about scat just turns me on incredibly."

She sprang towards me. Kissing me passionately as her nimble fingers undid my jeans, freeing my hard cock. She jumped up onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist and sliding down my shaft. She rode me like a woman possessed, her piercing eyes burning into mine.

Her dress slipped from her shoulders - her released breasts bouncing in my face. Her flowing juices ran down my rigid member and dripped from my balls. She was the most electrifying fuck ever. Then it took a horrifying twist.

"Uh-uh... you know what day it is... " she panted.

"Your birthday!" I was on the brink of a huge orgasm.

"Mmmm... it's also... Uh ... the 29th... of February...." a devious smile crept across her face. "Will you marry me?"

I dropped her to the floor! The conniving bitch - it was all a trap. She didn't want fast, dirty, no-strings sex - she wanted to trap me into a lifetime of love and commitment. Well not me, sister.

I knew it meant the death of my career but you know what - some boundaries just shouldn't be crossed!
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Posted 22 Apr 2014 06:38
Very good couldn't stop laughing
Posted 20 Apr 2014 06:29
Great post and well deserved accolade. Please think about writing another one!
Posted 09 Apr 2014 01:49
So funny!!!
Posted 29 Mar 2014 06:08
You had me at "even in a cagoule"! So funny & very clever.
Posted 07 Jan 2014 16:38
There's a twist

Posted 10 Dec 2012 12:08
Ha, finally got around to reading this...

It made me grin more than a few times! Just what I needed on a cold winter's evening!

Very clever indeed! 5+

Posted 24 Nov 2012 14:54
Hmm... you are a clever one, aren't you... Very nicely played.

Posted 30 Oct 2012 04:21
Ha, I certainly don't believe that such a thing woman can pull off!
Posted 21 Sep 2012 08:23
I read this ages ago, and loved it. I wasn't a member so I couldn't comment. I am now. ;-p

Posted 19 May 2012 08:19
Hehehe, nice one!
Posted 08 May 2012 11:01
- clever

Posted 05 Apr 2012 02:48
a Fun read
Posted 21 Jan 2012 10:59
I laughed from start to finish -- I loved it! Thanks for such an original piece!
Posted 25 Dec 2011 20:50
Great story, ending was a total surprise!!
Posted 09 Dec 2011 22:05

Posted 03 Nov 2011 05:12
My smile was like this when I started reading and when I finished it was larger than this

really good and funny
Posted 02 Nov 2011 08:33
Totally Unacceptable(!) Absolutely LOVED teh ending: keep up the good work :P
Posted 30 Oct 2011 05:40
Really clever...the ending was wonderful.
Posted 05 Oct 2011 21:04
Too funny. Some of your puns caught me by surprise.
Posted 03 Oct 2011 10:31
This is absolutely brilliant!! Yet another success from you xxx
Posted 28 Sep 2011 01:21
Now don't go getting all big-headed on us fellow Lushies will you !!! I love a Lush story that injects humour. Well done, very well deserved accolade for an excellent piece. xx

Posted 27 Sep 2011 17:47
Thank you for that!!! It was funny, witty, entertaining and very creative. Scored with a 5
Posted 27 Sep 2011 16:14
Clever & surely funny. Is there a second act? I can hold that smile.
Posted 27 Sep 2011 15:24
Excellent, Mr Knee xxx

Posted 27 Sep 2011 14:26
Funny! I wanted it to keep going.

Posted 27 Sep 2011 14:19
Cleverly done!

Posted 27 Sep 2011 09:54
Excellent paranomasia. I laughed all the way through.
Posted 26 Sep 2011 17:08
Cute and clever! It made me smile.

Posted 26 Sep 2011 16:08
I laughed so hard that all my blood drained from my body and I couldn't breathe - felt like I was choking. Not to mention that I nearly unwillingly shat in my pants! This story - It was like you took a knife and dug around and pulled out my drug induced brain and raped it for information. Fuckin' Brilliant! and no, I don't mean my dog, Brilliant. Only one minor problem - not long enough! LOL 5+ and thank you
Posted 26 Sep 2011 13:03
A masterful piece of punnage. Your stories always have an interesting spin to them. Love it.

Posted 26 Sep 2011 11:10
Fugly is quite the muse this month! Clever & Funny, why am I not surprised.
Posted 26 Sep 2011 10:14
LOL! That was awesome.. too funny

Posted 26 Sep 2011 09:37
Really clever and very funny... You covered just about everything, even bestiality.... (Well, he DOES get to have sex with a "Cat"!!!!!) xx S
Posted 26 Sep 2011 09:14
That was great! Thanks for the dedication!
Posted 26 Sep 2011 05:33
That was brilliantly funny, you had me laughing all the way through

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