How to recognize a player?

22 Aug 2011

Hello Olivia,

I've a female friend in her mid 40s. She and I met on AFF in 2006, enjoyed one another carnally for a few months...until one lazy Sunday afternoon while making pillow talk, I confessed to her "I can see why you'd have men falling head over heels for you."

It wasn't an admission that I was doing so, more just a complimentary comment after several weeks of casually dating and mating. I found out some months later that she felt I was professing more than a mere sexual interest in her and broke off future dates later that evening when she returned to her residence.

About eight months later, one January evening...out of the blue, she struck up a chat session with me...allegedly to ask me for some counsel and advice from a man's point of view - about another man and how she felt she was being mistreated.

This woman is one of several female friends in my life who like to bounce their concerns off of me, seemingly, nearly every month. I'm not complaining - I live vicariously through a few of these women friends of mine and enjoy hearing about their successes and their pratfalls, too.

But I am amazed that all of these women are in their late 30s to late 40s...and most all of them don't seem to pick up signals from us men. Are we guys still so baffling to women who have been dating for 20 or more years? I suppose there is still a great deal of game playing out there. I know that when I sense I'm being played, I simply initiate a straightforward talk with the woman who I believe is gaming me. More often than not, it's a misunderstanding on my part and after talking awhile...my perception is altered to the point where I see that I missed something(s) she said in the past weeks or months.

Why are we men and women, still so puzzling to each other...in our 30s, 40s and 50s? I suppose we are the reason for advice guidance counselors, to begin with?

The most recent conversation I enjoyed with my friend concerned the new guy she's been seeing the last few weeks. She's a marriage minded girl. He's recently left a nine year long relationship (within the last year), who is rather succe$$ful with multiple homes, no kids in his house, no ex wives raking alimony...and in his early 50s...I believe he's feeling footloose and fancy free.

Based on some of the things she's told me that he's told her...as well as the lack of any 'real dates' he treats her to...usually it's an Applebee's dinner and then back to her house for some sex, he spends the night and is gone by 8am the next day.

"I think he's playing ya babe. He's told you he's seeing at least three other women locally and yet another when he drives 240 miles to his lake house."

"What do you think I should do?"

"I think you should do whatever you want to do. Date him, have sex (use protection) go to his lake house if he invites you...go to ballgames ... if he invites you. Don't get hung up on him...and continue to cast your net in the river and date other men if you are asked and you find them attractive. I think this man is enjoying life and you - and other women. No harm, no foul. He's just in a different frame of mind, than you."

I give this advice for free (with hopes of possible oral favors returned in a few years)...so far, Olivia...I've not been repaid by anyone evil4

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

23 Aug 2011

Dude I'd say he is a player.

You have a great point about her not picking up on 'the player.' Boo hoo!

While most women have all this great intuition, especially about other women and they can read the hell out of regular guys and all. When it comes to real and serious 'players' all that great intuition gets lost. I have seen that already several times. It's like a real player has some kind of counter-active force field that destroys the woman's intuition.

I was never a player, women have always read the hell out of me!

23 Aug 2011

Players come in all ages, shapes and sizes.

Sometimes people assume that our "mating and dating rules and strategies" for getting what we want starts to settle down once we're out our twenties. We decide that men and woman who are players suffer from a lack of maturity, and like a puppy, once life experience comes into play and the need to "sow the wild oats" starts to settle, men and woman will behave like respectful adults when it comes to their relationships with others.

Wrong.

The sex drive is so strong and innate in us that it never completely fades away.

With divorce always on the rise and some people choosing not to marry or have children, people are single much later in life. The game playing can be exhausting and frustrating, but it's still a very real phenomenon, especially if the person was successful as a player in their early years. People default to behaviour that they are used to and that works for them.

As people get older, the opportunities to meet viable mates becomes like a shallow wading pool, unless perhaps you live in a big city or are very active on the social scene. Sometimes people are more prone (ie. desperate) to want to believe that the person they are crushing on is being genuine. After all, how many other prospects are there in the bullpen at any given time?

My advice for singles is as follows:

Even if you are fixating on one person in particular (and there are no others potential mates in the immediate vicinity), it's important to maintain A LIFE. Yes, that's right. Be independent. Do not project your romantic ideals onto this person and ignore all the red flags because the euphoric high of love and lust has hit you like a street junkie desperate for another hit. It's easy to delude ourselves to keep the momentum going. Quite often, we actually are consciously aware of our choices to ignore the red flags. It's amazing how they always seemed so obvious to us after the relationship goes to hell, right?

If someone is in the middle of the relationship thrill and the fuzzy-love addiction and feels that they can't be objective in their assessment, it's a great idea to seek the advice of a friend, especially another guy who can 'tell it like it is'. And make sure that you make this friend aware that you will accept their opinions regardless of what they might be so that they aren't spoon-feeding you what you want to hear. Everyone needs a reality check sometimes. How many times do you hear mournful broken-hearted people crying "I should have seen this coming".... or "I always suspected he was a player but..."

Women (and men) should remember to use logic and judgement in the dating game. And as WellMadeMale said, it's better to communicate if you have concerns rather than give the benefit of the doubt all the time.

Follow your heart, but use your head!