So last night, my husband and I went to the movies and it was his turn to select the movie: White House Down. I know what you're thinking: "you knew this would be a dumbass movie, right?"
Yes, yes I did. Maybe I was just unprepared for just how bad it would be. And really, just because something is known to be dumb doesn't mean it deserves to be spared from public flogging.
**
I don't pretend to have a really wide understanding of movies. I think I basically know what a good movie looks like, and there are tons of good ones I haven't seen. But I've sure seen a lot of bad ones, and White House Down takes elements from several of them.
By the way: if you don't like spoilers, a) save your spoiler-outrage for something that matters. That said, b) quit reading.
From a cliché standpoint, this movie damn hear has it all:
Transparent copy of the real-life president? check.
Blaxploitation of said character, making him extra edgy and attitudinal when the chips are down? check.
Cheap macho-president "get off my plane" moment? check.
Divorced dad trying to make it up to his resentful child with a 'he should know better than to expect this to make up for it" gesture? check.
"Wrong place/wrong time" character stuck in the unique position of being unable to escape but also, through special-ops training, able to both vanquish the 'bad guys' and rescue the hostages? check.
Seemingly worthless detail that later becomes pivotal in the an 'unlikely' way (oh, she twirls flags at school...and now she's using that skill to keep a plane from firing a missile on innocent people! wow!!)? check.
Turns out this Emmerich guy that directed the movie also directed Independence Day and a few other national/world disaster flicks, so I think it's safe to say he's got a real affinity for blowing up the capitol and other landmarks. And while that's a creepy pattern to begin with, it just seems a bit insensitive in this day and age. Not to suggest he shouldn't be allowed to do it, but I don't see the entertainment value at this point.
The President (Jamie Foxx) is kind of unintentionally hilarious, head-swerving "look who just shed the bookishness and became street!" antics aside. I mean, they even have him rediscovering how much we loves wearing Air Jordans, for fuck's sake. It's like the screenwriters have no better than a fourth grade understanding of geopolitics, and in the process, have simultaneously written an insulting and fantasy-laden picture of movie-Obama, complete with a secret nicotine addiction and Lincoln-worship fetish. Also, at one point he addresses a group with "have you ever heard of the military-industrial complex?" No, fake-Obama, I haven't. Why don't you school us on this mind-bending concept.
The secret service people are hilarious, too. They're so self-satisfied to be wrapping themselves in the American flag every day that one of them actually utters the line "do we have the best job in the world, or what?". Another agent, played by Maggie Gyllenhall, responds to an inquiry about how she's managing to function so well on no sleep. Her answer? "Caffeine and Patriotism, sir." Good lord. This bullshit makes Independence Day look like Arlington Road.
As for Channing Tatum, he sort of looks like he knows he's starring in a steaming pile of dog shit, reminding himself that the checks are in fact clearing as they land in his account. Plus, his role steals blatantly from John McClain in Die Hard, right down to the wife beater and the lost shoe. Speaking of Die Hard, the 'bad guys' are right out of the same mold, hell-bent on access to the nuclear bomb....and gosh! I sure hope John McClain...I mean...whoever the fuck Channing Tatum plays...can swoop in at the last moment and gun the guy down in a blizzard of machine gun fire! I mean, but surely he won't, right? That would be entirely too improbable!
And now I'm gonna leave you hanging. Does the divorced dad make it up to his daughter by saving her life & stuff? Does the president discover his inner gangsta and fire a missile launcher out the window of the presidential limo? Will a terminally ill 65 year old man survive a brutal beating, an aortal stabbing, and being crushed against a wall by an SUV? Do the bad guys lose and the good guys win? Do we smoke the evildoers out of their caves and bring them to justice?
You'll just have to find out for yourself. But please, unless you love to waste money, wait until it's on Netflix.
**
I'm encouraged by the fact that this heap of excrement is tanking at the box office; at least that tells me that while total crap does succeed, it's not a requirement for success, and not a guarantee of it, either. If it were more tongue in cheek, that would be one thing. But clearly, they're after the middle-America beer and NASCAR crowd, and if they veer too much toward the winking "Team America" approach, they'll lose them wholesale. Therefore- we get to see the US Capitol blown up, followed by cliché, jingoistic speeches, again.
Two middle fingers up for White House Down.
Artistic Tart
