how did it come to this?

9 May 2011

edited: Should be for guys, too.

This was one of the replies in a thread on names for the vagina from a couple of years back.

Quote by Guest
Hubby once referred to it as my "power broker" in a moment of clouded judgment. He didn't have access to it for awhile afterwards. He never said that again!

To me, there is just so much wrong with this. I infer that she thinks so little of sex herself, that to her, it is just access to her pussy if her husband is behaving the way she wants. It sounds like his judgement was not clouded at all and named it quite correctly.

I understand that years ago, for a lot of women, sex was almost a chore to endure during marriage. I just can't hardly believe this would be said this recently by a member of lush. I would have liked to have looked at the profile for age or location, but, it is under Guest.

Ladies, would you or do you ever think of or use sex as a reward for your partner for doing what you want? Would you stop having sex if he or she says something you don't like? How do you think this woman has gotten to that point? Do you know of women like this?

Guys, have you been with women that treated you and sex like this? Would you stay with one that did?

9 May 2011

I'm torn on this one. At a gut level, I agree with everything you're saying here, and anytime you see somebody here admit to using sex as a threat/reward against their spouse, they'll get roundly criticized for it.

On the other hand...

Who here can honestly say that they eagerly have sex with a partner they're unhappy with? Conversely, who here doesn't naturally have a higher desire for a partner they're extremely happy with?

So, is it only 'withholding sex out of passive-aggression' when phrased a certain way?

9 May 2011

I wonder in what context he said this. Was he just trying to be funny and/or sarcastic? Or was he saying it during an arguement? Maybe he was truly being a dick when he said it. At face value it's hard to know what is an appropriate response.

When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates

9 May 2011

Im with LadyX.

Yes i completely agree with everything you're saying, sex isnt a reward for being good and just a tool to get him to do what you want, but at the same time, i couldnt have sex with someone if i was pissed off at them for whatever reason...... unless maybe if he just wanted to pleasure me but i couldnt pleasure him while i was angry at him.

But i agree, the way she worded it was wrong - it sounds like she's treating him like a toddler who needs to be taught his place rather than an equal partner

9 May 2011

Quote by MMonroe
Im with LadyX.

Yes i completely agree with everything you're saying, sex isnt a reward for being good and just a tool to get him to do what you want, but at the same time, i couldnt have sex with someone if i was pissed off at them for whatever reason...... unless maybe if he just wanted to pleasure me but i couldnt pleasure him while i was angry at him.

But i agree, the way she worded it was wrong - it sounds like she's treating him like a toddler who needs to be taught his place rather than an equal partner

Yea, I kinda agree.... but she said he didn't have access for some time. How long is some time? No one would have sex if they were pissed at someone. But if after her anger passed, did she still hold out? Did he have to earn his way back in? Hard to know without knowing all the details. Could be either one was moreso in the wrong... could be they were both equally wrong.

When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates

9 May 2011

Quote by lafayettemister
Did he have to earn his way back in? Hard to know without knowing all the details. Could be either one was moreso in the wrong... could be they were both equally wrong.

Maybe this is just the romantic in me, but shouldn't we all have to keep earning our way back in? Otherwise it would seem that we were taking that person for granted. I don't believe that sex should be used as a bargaining tool, but I also don't believe it should be assumed that just because you got it once, you should always get it, and that someone is "withholding" it if they don't want to sleep with you anymore.

9 May 2011

Quote by Jebru
Quote by lafayettemister
Did he have to earn his way back in? Hard to know without knowing all the details. Could be either one was moreso in the wrong... could be they were both equally wrong.

Maybe this is just the romantic in me, but shouldn't we all have to keep earning our way back in? Otherwise it would seem that we were taking that person for granted. I don't believe that sex should be used as a bargaining tool, but I also don't believe it should be assumed that just because you got it once, you should always get it, and that someone is "withholding" it if they don't want to sleep with you anymore.

We definitely shouldn't take anyone for granted. Especially the person we love. But she admitted she was withholding it. And since she said he didn't get near it for a while, I assume that he did get back near it, in it at some point. So it's not that she didn't want to sleep with him at all anymore. By her own words she withheld as punishment. Whether or not he deserved that punishment is the debate.

When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates

9 May 2011

Being in a relationship means you get to hit on your partner whenever you want; it doesn't mean you'll get what you want. Yes, I've known women to consciously use sex as reward and it's pretty ridiculous. Sex should be connective and, in many ways, it should be the way a couple (or plural as your tastes run) establishes and reaffirms their bond. I mean, who hasn't had sex as a way to get past a fight? It works very well.

Jebru is right. I think that a relationship is something you choose to be in every day. There is effort required for all parties to keep the relationship vibrant. I disagree with him in that I believe it's disrespectful to "punish" your partner by "witholding" sex just to withhold it. If you're pissed off and not feeling like it, of course, you shouldn't do it, but deciding to punish him for a comment like that is just not right.

Note: I'm speaking from a general viewpoint. There are certainly relationships that can and are based on power exchange and the like in which this would be perfectly appropriate and even expected behavior.

9 May 2011

As I am not someone who could hold onto my anger/annoyance long enough to dole out a 'punishment' like this, it has never crossed my mind. Also, why would I want to deny myself sex in the process? That said, I've worked with women who claim to have employed this tactic and they seem to think it's an accomplishment, as if they are training their man. I don't get it.

9 May 2011

By her actions she seems to be showing that her husband's assessment was right. She is manipulative.

When it comes to banter, though, my wife plays the 'reward' bit (in a friendly way). When we looked a piece of jewelry she said that she "wouldn't be able to say no for a month". When I opened my wallet to hand some cash she asked me if I had any extra there "for the dresser"

10 May 2011

I am really young and naive in this particular type of situation. Often times I am more desperate for dick than my boyfriend is desperate for my pussy...lol. If we are fighting or are just unhappy with each other than we are not too interesting in having sex at that time anyway. I am glad that no one has ever held their genitalia over me.