I have few friends. I'm an introvert. Though losing my shyness with time.
I befriended a work colleague. She seemed bitchy. Behaved good with me, though too outgoing. She wasn't serious about working at all. I helped her a lot as i definitely liked her. Yet, i never had a crush.
One day she introduced me to her bf, whom i had seen making out with another girl at the movies the previous weekend.
I tried warning her. She didn't believe it, told me i shouldn't be so sure as i'm not into guys. That i'll never understand. Also she started finding faults with me.
Days later, she expressed her doubts about my work capabilities too.
Inspite of all this, i acted maturely, tried ignoring it. I didn't wanna lose her friendship. Colleagues could feel tension amongst us . Cold war. Pretending as if it hadn't happened, I even apologized.
After a few weeks, her arrogance increased. She started mocking at me. Earlier i used to be attentive to her when she needed to be cared. She stopped sharing things happening in her life. When i tried sharing things happening in my life, she told me that it's childish and being over-sensitive to ask friends about their personal lives.
This hurt me terribly. I decided to stop being friends.
When i retrospected, i found similar patterns with people who had rejected me: family, crushes, friends.
Since i have few people to talk to, i feel guilty. Is there anything wrong with me?
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The fault definitely isn't with you.
I will admit it that I wouldn't like it if I had a friend who saw me kissing another woman and hurried off to tell my girlfriend. One time I talked to a woman friend about my porn addiction, and she went straight to my girlfriend and told her. That led to one of the worst temper tantrums a woman could throw and to the other woman friend also breaking off her friendship with me (the two of them stayed friends for a long time). Nobody likes to be informed on or have their secrets revealed. But there is a huge difference because I sought out the other person and asked for her counsel. (Many years later, she became a professional counselor.) You saw this man go behind his girlfriend's back and cheat on her and tried to give her a warning, but he didn't come to you friend to friend and ask for help.
This woman has treated you very badly. I think she is in denial and accuses you of "seeing things" and believing you are a malicious gossip. She's living a lie. Sounds funny to say it in that context, but she is. Given the choice of believing the truth and believing what she wants to believe, she chose Door Number Two.
This woman was not your friend in the first place. I don't wonder that you have become shy and socially worried. It's difficult for me to imagine the "Mean Girls syndrome," where socially awkward people are culled from the herd and left outcast, but you sound like you were victimized by that all your life.
Sometimes I wonder if you have tried too hard throughout your life to please other people. Takes someone like that to know someone like that, but I'll bet you have done what I've done and it hurts you terribly to ask for bread and receive a stone for your efforts.
Can't imagine that your orientation has anything to do with this, unless this other woman is prejudiced against you for your orientation in the first place. She might think you are less than human because you are "different." I debated whether to put the quote marks around different, since you're different from a lot of people -- just not in THAT way. Do you know Shylock's speech of "Hath not a Jew eyes ... if you prick us, do we not bleed ..." et cetera? You are in the same situation because you are not of the mainstream, but you are as human as he and as sensitive as he is. You were wronged, as he also said in the speech, and you took revenge, but being you all the revenge you wanted was to stay as far away from this person as possible. No wonder! Although I'd like to hear her take on the story to give her some justice (to see her dig herself into a bigger hole?), you reacted with characteristic mildness to what she said.
There are lots of equivalents to "Grow a pair" (of testicles). The one I hear the most is to get more assertiveness training and stand up for myself so I can go and accomplish what I want to accomplish. From what I hear you say, you wish for assertiveness too but have trouble with feeling like it's aggressive behavior and hurting people. I really really know what it's like to drive off a friend because of my beliefs and I hate it, but moving on and being truthful to yourself is something to be commended. Since this woman is a work colleague, you can hardly shun her but there is no need for you to be any more than professionally polite to her. Her loss.
Take care. Some people see who you are and love you.''
I will admit it that I wouldn't like it if I had a friend who saw me kissing another woman and hurried off to tell my girlfriend. One time I talked to a woman friend about my porn addiction, and she went straight to my girlfriend and told her. That led to one of the worst temper tantrums a woman could throw and to the other woman friend also breaking off her friendship with me (the two of them stayed friends for a long time). Nobody likes to be informed on or have their secrets revealed. But there is a huge difference because I sought out the other person and asked for her counsel. (Many years later, she became a professional counselor.) You saw this man go behind his girlfriend's back and cheat on her and tried to give her a warning, but he didn't come to you friend to friend and ask for help.
This woman has treated you very badly. I think she is in denial and accuses you of "seeing things" and believing you are a malicious gossip. She's living a lie. Sounds funny to say it in that context, but she is. Given the choice of believing the truth and believing what she wants to believe, she chose Door Number Two.
This woman was not your friend in the first place. I don't wonder that you have become shy and socially worried. It's difficult for me to imagine the "Mean Girls syndrome," where socially awkward people are culled from the herd and left outcast, but you sound like you were victimized by that all your life.
Sometimes I wonder if you have tried too hard throughout your life to please other people. Takes someone like that to know someone like that, but I'll bet you have done what I've done and it hurts you terribly to ask for bread and receive a stone for your efforts.
Can't imagine that your orientation has anything to do with this, unless this other woman is prejudiced against you for your orientation in the first place. She might think you are less than human because you are "different." I debated whether to put the quote marks around different, since you're different from a lot of people -- just not in THAT way. Do you know Shylock's speech of "Hath not a Jew eyes ... if you prick us, do we not bleed ..." et cetera? You are in the same situation because you are not of the mainstream, but you are as human as he and as sensitive as he is. You were wronged, as he also said in the speech, and you took revenge, but being you all the revenge you wanted was to stay as far away from this person as possible. No wonder! Although I'd like to hear her take on the story to give her some justice (to see her dig herself into a bigger hole?), you reacted with characteristic mildness to what she said.
There are lots of equivalents to "Grow a pair" (of testicles). The one I hear the most is to get more assertiveness training and stand up for myself so I can go and accomplish what I want to accomplish. From what I hear you say, you wish for assertiveness too but have trouble with feeling like it's aggressive behavior and hurting people. I really really know what it's like to drive off a friend because of my beliefs and I hate it, but moving on and being truthful to yourself is something to be commended. Since this woman is a work colleague, you can hardly shun her but there is no need for you to be any more than professionally polite to her. Her loss.
Take care. Some people see who you are and love you.''
Thanks for the reply.
Most points of what you have said already coincide with my friends' opinion about it. It made me feel much better. You have pointed out some things that i need to work on, and you've done it without sounding hurtful. I'll definitely start working on being more assertive, though i've started doing so subconsciously almost since the day 1 of my job.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Most points of what you have said already coincide with my friends' opinion about it. It made me feel much better. You have pointed out some things that i need to work on, and you've done it without sounding hurtful. I'll definitely start working on being more assertive, though i've started doing so subconsciously almost since the day 1 of my job.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Alpha Blonde
Something like this has probably happened to all of us at some point. When we try to warn a friend or give them advice about a guy, it's not always appreciated and can sometimes lead to resentment.
In her case, she obviously doesn't want to hear these things about her guy. I'll bet deep within, you've hit a sore spot (red flag) with her because she probably has those kinds of doubts about him already. Girls who date players are always at least somewhat aware or wary of what he might be up to. Right now, she doesn't want to acknowledge them outright because if she does she has to confront the situation. She's probably not ready to do this or contemplate calling him out on it and losing him. So instead she desperately looks for reasons as to why you are wrong and comes up with a truly ridiculous one - "you're not that into guys anyway" - as though this somehow would affect your eyesight or ability to accurately observe two people making out. lol. From there, she may have talked herself further down the rabbit hole and might be thinking you're trying to break them up because you're crushing on her or something. When we don't want to see the truth, we have to find ways to explain it away. That's what she's doing here. Unfortunately you're just on the wrong end of her panicked thought-processes.
At this point, in her mind, she is supporting and standing by her man - and you are against her man - therefore she is against you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's where her mind is going. In her warped thinking, being friendly with you is like her consorting with someone who is against her relationship, which she obviously is very wrapped up in at the moment. It also, on some level, makes her feel awkward because she thinks you are probably judging her too for denying the truth and staying with him. So if she avoids you, she's able to secure her happy bubble and not have to be reminded of reality.
I would back off and let her sort through things for a couple of months. I suspect she will slowly start to see more red flags in her relationship and eventually shit will hit the fan and they will probably break-up or she will catch him in the act. Then guess who she will come running to. You, of course - because you already know he's a shady guy and can now commiserate with her, support her, give her advice and rebuild her ego. Wait for it, it's coming. I've been on both sides of this coin and it always ends the same.
In her case, she obviously doesn't want to hear these things about her guy. I'll bet deep within, you've hit a sore spot (red flag) with her because she probably has those kinds of doubts about him already. Girls who date players are always at least somewhat aware or wary of what he might be up to. Right now, she doesn't want to acknowledge them outright because if she does she has to confront the situation. She's probably not ready to do this or contemplate calling him out on it and losing him. So instead she desperately looks for reasons as to why you are wrong and comes up with a truly ridiculous one - "you're not that into guys anyway" - as though this somehow would affect your eyesight or ability to accurately observe two people making out. lol. From there, she may have talked herself further down the rabbit hole and might be thinking you're trying to break them up because you're crushing on her or something. When we don't want to see the truth, we have to find ways to explain it away. That's what she's doing here. Unfortunately you're just on the wrong end of her panicked thought-processes.
At this point, in her mind, she is supporting and standing by her man - and you are against her man - therefore she is against you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's where her mind is going. In her warped thinking, being friendly with you is like her consorting with someone who is against her relationship, which she obviously is very wrapped up in at the moment. It also, on some level, makes her feel awkward because she thinks you are probably judging her too for denying the truth and staying with him. So if she avoids you, she's able to secure her happy bubble and not have to be reminded of reality.
I would back off and let her sort through things for a couple of months. I suspect she will slowly start to see more red flags in her relationship and eventually shit will hit the fan and they will probably break-up or she will catch him in the act. Then guess who she will come running to. You, of course - because you already know he's a shady guy and can now commiserate with her, support her, give her advice and rebuild her ego. Wait for it, it's coming. I've been on both sides of this coin and it always ends the same.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Dancing_Doll
Something like this has probably happened to all of us at some point. When we try to warn a friend or give them advice about a guy, it's not always appreciated and can sometimes lead to resentment.
In her case, she obviously doesn't want to hear these things about her guy. I'll bet deep within, you've hit a sore spot (red flag) with her because she probably has those kinds of doubts about him already. Girls who date players are always at least somewhat aware or wary of what he might be up to. Right now, she doesn't want to acknowledge them outright because if she does she has to confront the situation. She's probably not ready to do this or contemplate calling him out on it and losing him. So instead she desperately looks for reasons as to why you are wrong and comes up with a truly ridiculous one - "you're not that into guys anyway" - as though this somehow would affect your eyesight or ability to accurately observe two people making out. lol. From there, she may have talked herself further down the rabbit hole and might be thinking you're trying to break them up because you're crushing on her or something. When we don't want to see the truth, we have to find ways to explain it away. That's what she's doing here. Unfortunately you're just on the wrong end of her panicked thought-processes.
At this point, in her mind, she is supporting and standing by her man - and you are against her man - therefore she is against you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's where her mind is going. In her warped thinking, being friendly with you is like her consorting with someone who is against her relationship, which she obviously is very wrapped up in at the moment. It also, on some level, makes her feel awkward because she thinks you are probably judging her too for denying the truth and staying with him. So if she avoids you, she's able to secure her happy bubble and not have to be reminded of reality.
I would back off and let her sort through things for a couple of months. I suspect she will slowly start to see more red flags in her relationship and eventually shit will hit the fan and they will probably break-up or she will catch him in the act. Then guess who she will come running to. You, of course - because you already know he's a shady guy and can now commiserate with her, support her, give her advice and rebuild her ego. Wait for it, it's coming. I've been on both sides of this coin and it always ends the same.
This is very sound advice. I have also been on both sides of it.
It is similar, to a lesser extent of course, to an abused wife. When her friends try to help her, she turns on them saying they are trying to ruin her marriage. If she admits there is a problem she has to deal with it so she rather put up with it than be alone. Your "friend" will eventually see the light and come to you for help. Whether you are there for her or not is your call but I have a feeling you will be.!
Thank you for both the replies.
It was helpful to understand how she may be thinking about it.
Since i don't think that i've ever been in such a circumstance myself, i wouldn't have known about her side of the coin.
I usually tend to be a shoulder to cry on, and maybe thats whats gonna happen soon.
It was helpful to understand how she may be thinking about it.
Since i don't think that i've ever been in such a circumstance myself, i wouldn't have known about her side of the coin.
I usually tend to be a shoulder to cry on, and maybe thats whats gonna happen soon.