This is probably an extremely ignorant question, but I'll proudly show off my lack of experience and knowledge by asking...
I recently relayed my fantasy of being tied up, made to submit, and spanked all over with a riding crop by another woman, preferably a brunette, to my lover. Of course he knew somebody that might be perfect and asked if I might be interested in talking to her about it. I mulled it over and decided to talk things out with her.
I'm a bit flabbergasted about our first meeting. We met over lunch (nowhere fancy) and she asked me tons of questions about my expectations, what I might like or not enjoy, what my soft and hard limits might be (I had to ask what those were), etc. It was explained to me that this is the "normal" for D&S type arrangements; that what either party expects, desires, or wants to explore is mutually agreed upon before anything happens. I was even told that for long-term arrangements that a contract is not uncommon, and that it was probably the only thing that the movies got correct.
First off, if this is true for the lifestyle, I'm impressed and had no idea that the surrender of control was actually so...controlled-and at the discretion of the one submitting. But I cannot help but wonder; is this really how it is; everything laid out in advance and boundaries set? I had this "forced to submit" idea running through my head and was very intimidated about it, but I was informed by her that all "force" is consensual.
Am I a good witch, or a bad witch? History will decide
Chatterbox Blonde- Rumps Mystical Bartender
When I was a submissive I was always taught that everything has to be my free choice. There can be consequences for making those choices but I'm always able to make a choice, and to change my mind at any point. I have to know what's going to happen, understand what that means, and give full consent to that activity. I must consent before, during and after the activity.
Anything else is just abuse and rightly condemned.
From the outside it can appear that the participants just meet up and start doing all sorts of things to each other. Those descriptions don't mention the history those people have together, the trust they've built up, the understanding they have in each others needs and the mutual respect that's involved.
When you meet a Dominant for the first time they're very often going to want a long chat about you're life experience. Some people start from a very modest base, and others are merely exploring a new fantasy but know what they need to get there. It's a very very good sign if they want to spend a lot of time talking with you.
The most important thing is that you feel you can trust this person, that they're going to take care of you before, during and after play, and that you understand what is going to happen in the first play session.
I always teach the traffic lights system, Green for keep going, Yellow for slow down or talk to me about what you're doing, Red complete stop and end play immediately.
I'd check your understanding of that by asking you how you'd feel if I asked you to do something.
Shake my hand, kiss the person at the next table, tear your clothes off and run naked out of the room.
It gives me a clearer understanding of how far you'd be willing to go. For example you might go Yellow for kissing the person at the next table because you don't understand why you're being asked to do that. If someone you trusted was present to protect you if things went badly, you might go Green for the same request.
The idea is to make sure you're able to use your lights when you need them. There's no point saying Green all the time, if you're really not enjoying what's going on.
For example, being spanked. There's a lot of different ways to spank, from a playful bare handed tap of the palm through to a heavy leather paddle being aggressively used on your ass.
Since I have no real way of knowing how hard you want it to be, I'd start with barely hitting you at all. Then ask you how you find that and openly invite you to ask me to go harder.
Always remember that a submissive is one who CHOOSES to submit. They get to decide to whom they submit, the extent they submit and what they will or won't allow to be done to them.
Submissives aren't doormats and they don't have to do anything they're asked or told to do. It's something that always indicates the person giving that kind of order has no idea what they're doing.
Just as a submissive gets to choose who they submit to, so a Dominant gets to choose if they accept that submission. As a Dominant I don't have to accept the invitation being given by a submissive. Maybe I don't feel like doing that specific activity, or I don't want to play with them, or I just don't feel like playtime and just want to watch a while.
At the moment you're discussing SSC, Safe Sane Consensual. Anything that a reasonable person could see and understand that both sides fully consented to that activity.
Forced behaviour moves more towards RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. That's where paperwork comes in, and lots of detailed conversations.
Essentially if someone was to see a violent scene taking place, they might interpret it as a real crime and call the cops. So the paperwork is to show that not only did everyone involved consent to it all, they knew what was going to happen, they had safe words to protect themselves, and that all parties involved agreed to a period of after care when the scene ended.
SSC is where I start things with a new playmate. We don't know each other very well, we don't have a foundation of trust, and we don't really know if we click together.
RACK is something I'd work up to, as it's incredibly intense. It's draining physically, emotionally and spiritually.
For example I have a girl who enjoys being forced to do things, she has a specific fantasy about being faux and having her clothes cut off.
Now as a Witch I'm supposed to keep the Rede and do no Harm. Even though it's simulated I'm still going to a very dark place, and far exceeding the protections of the Rede.
I need to have absolute certainty then when the scene ends and I'm a sobbing heap on the floor when my conscience flogs me for being a monster, that she will be there to look after me just as much as I'm going to look after her. Anything less than total committed support from all parties involved is a total red flag for me.
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
Thank you so much!
While very different in execution than what you described, Skald, the spirit and sense of choice & consent was exactly the same. Having now gone through my first taste of this particular breed of playing, I must say that it was an extremely erotic and positive experience. There's a certain sense of emotional freedom in being "made" to do things that i really wanted to do in the first place. It is difficult to explain.
Am I a good witch, or a bad witch? History will decide
