I have a few questions for the Masters/Mistresses or Doms/Domme on this site. (Bites nails, hoping I got the lingo correct)
Since I am very new new to this site and completely naive when it comes to D/s or BDSM. I would like to become more
educated about this. I was approached by a guy at work not to long ago about being a sub. I had no clue what he was talking about.
So I did a little research and that is how I found this site. After reading some of the posts on here, I am pretty sure that guy is just a douche bag looking for women to take advantage of.
How long did you have to train to become a Master/Mistress?
Did you train under someone as a sub?
Did you train with another Master/Mistress?
I am not looking to be a Domme. I would make an awful Domme.
Thank you in advance for sharing your experience, input and information.
*Also if anyone knows a good book I could read on the subject, please let me know.*
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Questions about becoming a Master/Mistress....
Active Ink Slinger
Well I will be the first one to weigh in on this one...
How long did I train to be a Master? Well I have been "training" to be a Master for years. I started probably 20 years ago by finding out what it was all about and realizing that this is what I have been headed towards all My life. I have always been Dominant but for most of my younger life I thought I was "perverted" or "sick". It wasn't until I realized I wasn't alone in My thoughts and feelings that I began to delve deeper into it. I researched everything I could find on it. I have always been a voracious reader and this had gotten My full attention. I found and assimilated all the info I could find - sorting out that which didn't appeal to Me and what I thought was not the proper way od doing things. I learned from other Masters how to treat My submissive and how to behave as a Master Myself.
I also realize that for all the training I have done, I am not finished - there is always something more to learn and I will never be fully trained. This is a journey, not a destination and so I cannot ever say I am done training. Nor can a submissive ever claim to be a "proper submissive" because there is always more to learn, explore, and adapt to.
No I didn't train as a sub, a real submissive cannot ever become a Dominant - it goes against their nature. There are "switches" but IMHO a "switch" has it harder than anyone in D/s because they can never be really free in either position. If they Dom, the sub side wants out. If they submit, the Dom side argues.
I didn't really train with another Master, although I did have good friends who coached Me and helped Me along the way.
And yes, you got the lingo correct!
How long did I train to be a Master? Well I have been "training" to be a Master for years. I started probably 20 years ago by finding out what it was all about and realizing that this is what I have been headed towards all My life. I have always been Dominant but for most of my younger life I thought I was "perverted" or "sick". It wasn't until I realized I wasn't alone in My thoughts and feelings that I began to delve deeper into it. I researched everything I could find on it. I have always been a voracious reader and this had gotten My full attention. I found and assimilated all the info I could find - sorting out that which didn't appeal to Me and what I thought was not the proper way od doing things. I learned from other Masters how to treat My submissive and how to behave as a Master Myself.
I also realize that for all the training I have done, I am not finished - there is always something more to learn and I will never be fully trained. This is a journey, not a destination and so I cannot ever say I am done training. Nor can a submissive ever claim to be a "proper submissive" because there is always more to learn, explore, and adapt to.
No I didn't train as a sub, a real submissive cannot ever become a Dominant - it goes against their nature. There are "switches" but IMHO a "switch" has it harder than anyone in D/s because they can never be really free in either position. If they Dom, the sub side wants out. If they submit, the Dom side argues.
I didn't really train with another Master, although I did have good friends who coached Me and helped Me along the way.
And yes, you got the lingo correct!
MasterJohnathan
First, I would like to say thank you for your response. It is very insightful and honest.
After talking with a few people, reading the topics in this section and reading things online, I have come to the conclusion that I was way off base in what I thought a BDSM or a D/s relationship was. It really is eye opening.
I am with you about being a switch, I would not want to be both, it would make me crazy.
While you and many on this and other sites are honest and upfront about your relationships and your life. There are some crazy folks out there, using this as a reason to abuse people or for their own selfish reasons and preying upon those with little or no experience.
Asking questions and getting feedback is a great starting point for people that are new to D/s relationships or even people that are interested in it but not sure it is right for them.
Knowledge is power and again thank you for sharing yours.
First, I would like to say thank you for your response. It is very insightful and honest.
After talking with a few people, reading the topics in this section and reading things online, I have come to the conclusion that I was way off base in what I thought a BDSM or a D/s relationship was. It really is eye opening.
I am with you about being a switch, I would not want to be both, it would make me crazy.
While you and many on this and other sites are honest and upfront about your relationships and your life. There are some crazy folks out there, using this as a reason to abuse people or for their own selfish reasons and preying upon those with little or no experience.
Asking questions and getting feedback is a great starting point for people that are new to D/s relationships or even people that are interested in it but not sure it is right for them.
Knowledge is power and again thank you for sharing yours.
Blackbird Supernova
I've discovered over the last year (admittedly a very short amount of time to use as reference) that I'm a switch. I've done all of my exploration in this field online, but it's still a pretty real experience.
Yes, it is hard, especially when both your Dominant and your submissive are seeking your attention at the same time.
I was a submissive first. My first Dominant was a very good man. I was very lucky in that respect. He was patient, even though we both wanted to just fall into a frenzy and exhaust ourselves. He held the reigns, though. Taught me about subspace, submission, what it meant to be good, rewards, the enjoyment of pain along with the pleasure, to heighten the pleasure. Then there was the coming down, the aftercare, why it's all so very important. In retrospect, it was a very short association, but it helped me understand something about myself I'd been leaning towards for years.
I learned I love, absolutely adore, pleasing my Dominant. Being a good girl is my only goal when I'm subbing. I love the praise, the delight in Him when I do what he wants. It fills me up with such amazing, unmatched pleasure.
Then, earlier this year, I discovered that there was more to it for me than just being a submissive. It was a surprise to find that I wanted to exert Dominance over another. I have a strong preference for women as submissives, just as I have a strong preference for men as Dominants. My pretty girl is so very eager. I enjoy her thoroughly, adore making her feel good, holding that control while she gives in entirely to her need. It's a lovely thing. I've also learned about the occasional necessity for punishment, when needs must.
My submissive side had taken a bit of a break, until I found someone who wanted to indulge it. While we don't have a formal relationship, he's the closest thing I have right now to a Dominant. I'm grateful for him, because it fills a void that would otherwise gnaw at me relentlessly.
It's not easy to balance the two sides. It takes some serious discipline, and is not without some serious challenges. I've suffered a bit, mostly by my own doing. I've also learned so much about myself. I don't regret the way things are, though. Both sides give me a great measure of satisfaction in different ways.
I sincerely wish you luck in your journey. Remember, just because you are of a submissive nature doesn't mean you are a door mat for every Dom that comes your way. Be selective, be smart about it and ask lots of questions before you decide to begin a relationship. Be aware of your limits, hard and soft. Many of those you won't discover until you experiment a little, but know that you always have the capacity to say 'No'. You don't give that up just because you're submitting to someone. Don't ever play without safe words. Your safety is very important, as is that of the person you eventually choose to be your Dominant. Don't blindly trust.
*hugs* You'll get there. Keep asking the good questions.
Yes, it is hard, especially when both your Dominant and your submissive are seeking your attention at the same time.
I was a submissive first. My first Dominant was a very good man. I was very lucky in that respect. He was patient, even though we both wanted to just fall into a frenzy and exhaust ourselves. He held the reigns, though. Taught me about subspace, submission, what it meant to be good, rewards, the enjoyment of pain along with the pleasure, to heighten the pleasure. Then there was the coming down, the aftercare, why it's all so very important. In retrospect, it was a very short association, but it helped me understand something about myself I'd been leaning towards for years.
I learned I love, absolutely adore, pleasing my Dominant. Being a good girl is my only goal when I'm subbing. I love the praise, the delight in Him when I do what he wants. It fills me up with such amazing, unmatched pleasure.
Then, earlier this year, I discovered that there was more to it for me than just being a submissive. It was a surprise to find that I wanted to exert Dominance over another. I have a strong preference for women as submissives, just as I have a strong preference for men as Dominants. My pretty girl is so very eager. I enjoy her thoroughly, adore making her feel good, holding that control while she gives in entirely to her need. It's a lovely thing. I've also learned about the occasional necessity for punishment, when needs must.
My submissive side had taken a bit of a break, until I found someone who wanted to indulge it. While we don't have a formal relationship, he's the closest thing I have right now to a Dominant. I'm grateful for him, because it fills a void that would otherwise gnaw at me relentlessly.
It's not easy to balance the two sides. It takes some serious discipline, and is not without some serious challenges. I've suffered a bit, mostly by my own doing. I've also learned so much about myself. I don't regret the way things are, though. Both sides give me a great measure of satisfaction in different ways.
I sincerely wish you luck in your journey. Remember, just because you are of a submissive nature doesn't mean you are a door mat for every Dom that comes your way. Be selective, be smart about it and ask lots of questions before you decide to begin a relationship. Be aware of your limits, hard and soft. Many of those you won't discover until you experiment a little, but know that you always have the capacity to say 'No'. You don't give that up just because you're submitting to someone. Don't ever play without safe words. Your safety is very important, as is that of the person you eventually choose to be your Dominant. Don't blindly trust.
*hugs* You'll get there. Keep asking the good questions.
I discovered my submissive side four years ago and was curious to learn more just like yourself. It didn't take long to find a Mistress who I believe cared and still cares for me. I learned everything I could about being as good of a girl I could be for the next half year to a year. I didn't realize that I was also learning what made a person a proper Domme and what.. didn't. I learned how to care, to pleasure, to punish, to reward and how to treat and be treated. Being submissive isn't being weak but it's takes enormous bravery, strength and most of all trust to submit yourself to another. A BDSM relationship isn't just about the "rough" aspects there's.. A lot more to discover. As you have already found out, you'll run into "doucebags". So continue to be cautious and don't rush into a relationship.
After awhile I parted ways and just enjoyed the site and making new friends. A particular friend who also happened to be submissive taught me unknowingly that I still had a lot to learn.
I soon discovered that she was interested in taking a Domme. I immediately felt I had to be her Mistress and brought up the suggestion. She agreed and it worked well. However, as MasterJohnathan being a switch is difficult (not impossible). I realized too late that I didn't avoid doing the same mistakes I thought I learned not to do when I was still a submissive.
People discuss the two sides of being Dominant or submissive but I think of being neither as a side in and of itself. Especially after being a in one of the relationships for so long.
Anyways, after Four years since joining lush and having had experienced the best of both sides I can only say that I'm grateful for the relationships I've made. A submissive with a wonderful Dom/Domme will be cared for greatly. A Domme/Dom with an amazing sub will be shown loving affection.
I wish you the best of luck and that once it finally works out for you, it'll be worth the effort.
After awhile I parted ways and just enjoyed the site and making new friends. A particular friend who also happened to be submissive taught me unknowingly that I still had a lot to learn.
I soon discovered that she was interested in taking a Domme. I immediately felt I had to be her Mistress and brought up the suggestion. She agreed and it worked well. However, as MasterJohnathan being a switch is difficult (not impossible). I realized too late that I didn't avoid doing the same mistakes I thought I learned not to do when I was still a submissive.
People discuss the two sides of being Dominant or submissive but I think of being neither as a side in and of itself. Especially after being a in one of the relationships for so long.
Anyways, after Four years since joining lush and having had experienced the best of both sides I can only say that I'm grateful for the relationships I've made. A submissive with a wonderful Dom/Domme will be cared for greatly. A Domme/Dom with an amazing sub will be shown loving affection.
I wish you the best of luck and that once it finally works out for you, it'll be worth the effort.
Hello Sweetie-pie.
First off, I applaud how you worded your question.-you did very well to convey many thoughts. I think it is important, if you are serious about truly wanting to understand what BDSM is really about do NOT hook up with someone like that co-worker guy, (ha), or anyone like him (that might fit in the jerk-user of women category) and to choose carefully.
That said, I am going to try and answer on behalf of me and my BDSM partner/lover. The level of intimacy is pretty deep with us because we are also boyfriend and girlfriend who have a committed relationship that will be two years this July. I am a sub, though, and a "SWITCH" and he is a Dom. We had kept that aspect of our life COMPLETELY private until coming to Lush in late March.
We were bestfriends before lovers-(the kind that could easily talk about anything and related well). He had a crush on me and I never saw us being together in any sexual capacity because of an age difference. Long story short, our first little coffee date and there were serious fireworks I had not expected. Soon after that he was asking me to be his exclusive gf. Shortly after that we started dabbling into bondage stuff because the idea seemed to really excite him and he had not done this. We both knew what BDSM was and a little about it, but very little really.
I had tried handcuffs and bondage stuff before him years ago and it wasn't the greatest experience for me-it really did nothing for me. I had not really done anything like that since. Years had passed. I only tried it again for him, and did not much want to, to be honest. I do not know how, but things suddenly changed. Now EVERYTHING was exciting and new! I think it had to do with really having the right person and someone able to make this fun and sexy and extremely stimulating. To be very truthfuly, he was completely inexperienced even more than me. We both understood the basics and the basic dynamics but had not really discussed everything in any detail yet. He used his imagination, he went purely on instinct. No direction was given him (even by me... as I could offer little anyway)... and we began to fall more and more that direction in natural turn of events, in our sex life, in our real life, and this became an ongoing thing. It did not feel like we needed practice. We read no books, had no tutor or community to help us. We were not even sure what we were doing or if we were right! We might read a little smattering here or there of something we ran across on the web (knowing it might be unreliable, checking sources often did not completely confirm or prove much of anything). We just did what came to us and seemed to be comfortable and what we liked. We progressed very quickly the first month, even first few months. We did not feel deep into BDSM, and we did not feel hardcore, but very quickly we were catching onto things and finding new ways. We still did not realise, we just knew we were rolling into stuff fast.
We began to discover that what we were doing had "names" - things we did not realise were real BDSM things... and we would laugh, because we had no idea. We were automantically using jargon and code type words and doing the same behaviors as what we read about and saw places and it was quite interesting to discover how well on track we were without knowing it. When we came here I found a person who had over twenty years experience as a Dom, he was in his late sixties, and seemed a very articulate writer, a very mild and even-temper, and intelligent person, and I began to ask him questions to confirm or see if what I knew and was doing was in line with the community's viewpoints and stand. He told us we had nothing to worry about and that we had a very good understanding and grasp. I guess he became a tutor. I miss him. We became good friends. We have yet to reach out much further, but we do intend to and intend to continue.
First-timers together, no training, instincts, did well according to others, sought to confirm with oldtimers & seek mentorship and will continue...
Any particular questions, feel free to PM me or black box when I am online.
First off, I applaud how you worded your question.-you did very well to convey many thoughts. I think it is important, if you are serious about truly wanting to understand what BDSM is really about do NOT hook up with someone like that co-worker guy, (ha), or anyone like him (that might fit in the jerk-user of women category) and to choose carefully.
That said, I am going to try and answer on behalf of me and my BDSM partner/lover. The level of intimacy is pretty deep with us because we are also boyfriend and girlfriend who have a committed relationship that will be two years this July. I am a sub, though, and a "SWITCH" and he is a Dom. We had kept that aspect of our life COMPLETELY private until coming to Lush in late March.
We were bestfriends before lovers-(the kind that could easily talk about anything and related well). He had a crush on me and I never saw us being together in any sexual capacity because of an age difference. Long story short, our first little coffee date and there were serious fireworks I had not expected. Soon after that he was asking me to be his exclusive gf. Shortly after that we started dabbling into bondage stuff because the idea seemed to really excite him and he had not done this. We both knew what BDSM was and a little about it, but very little really.
I had tried handcuffs and bondage stuff before him years ago and it wasn't the greatest experience for me-it really did nothing for me. I had not really done anything like that since. Years had passed. I only tried it again for him, and did not much want to, to be honest. I do not know how, but things suddenly changed. Now EVERYTHING was exciting and new! I think it had to do with really having the right person and someone able to make this fun and sexy and extremely stimulating. To be very truthfuly, he was completely inexperienced even more than me. We both understood the basics and the basic dynamics but had not really discussed everything in any detail yet. He used his imagination, he went purely on instinct. No direction was given him (even by me... as I could offer little anyway)... and we began to fall more and more that direction in natural turn of events, in our sex life, in our real life, and this became an ongoing thing. It did not feel like we needed practice. We read no books, had no tutor or community to help us. We were not even sure what we were doing or if we were right! We might read a little smattering here or there of something we ran across on the web (knowing it might be unreliable, checking sources often did not completely confirm or prove much of anything). We just did what came to us and seemed to be comfortable and what we liked. We progressed very quickly the first month, even first few months. We did not feel deep into BDSM, and we did not feel hardcore, but very quickly we were catching onto things and finding new ways. We still did not realise, we just knew we were rolling into stuff fast.
We began to discover that what we were doing had "names" - things we did not realise were real BDSM things... and we would laugh, because we had no idea. We were automantically using jargon and code type words and doing the same behaviors as what we read about and saw places and it was quite interesting to discover how well on track we were without knowing it. When we came here I found a person who had over twenty years experience as a Dom, he was in his late sixties, and seemed a very articulate writer, a very mild and even-temper, and intelligent person, and I began to ask him questions to confirm or see if what I knew and was doing was in line with the community's viewpoints and stand. He told us we had nothing to worry about and that we had a very good understanding and grasp. I guess he became a tutor. I miss him. We became good friends. We have yet to reach out much further, but we do intend to and intend to continue.
First-timers together, no training, instincts, did well according to others, sought to confirm with oldtimers & seek mentorship and will continue...
Any particular questions, feel free to PM me or black box when I am online.
Quote by 1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Hello Sweetie-pie.
First off, I applaud how you worded your question.-you did very well to convey many thoughts. I think it is important, if you are serious about truly wanting to understand what BDSM is really about do NOT hook up with someone like that co-worker guy, (ha)l, or anyone like him (that might fit in the jerk-user of women category) and to choose carefully.
That said, I am going to try and answer on behalf of me and my BDSM partner/lover. The level of intimacy is pretty deep with us because we are also boyfriend and girlfriend who have a committed relationship that will be two years this July. I am a sub, though, and a "SWITCH" and he is a Dom. We had kept that aspect of our life COMPLETELY private until coming to Lush in late March.
We were bestfriends before lovers-(the kind that could easily talk about anything and related well). He had a crush on me and I never saw us being together in any sexual capacity because of an age difference. Long story short, our first little coffee date and there were serious fireworks I had not expected. Soon after that he was asking me to be his exclusive gf. Shortly after that we started dabbling into bondage stuff because the idea seemed to really excite him and he had not done this. We both knew what BDSM was and a little about it, but very little really.
I had tried handcuffs and bondage stuff before him years ago and it wasn't the greatest experience for me-it really did nothing for me. I had not really done anything like that since. Years had passed. I only tried it again for him, and did not much want to, to be honest. I do not know how, but things suddenly changed. Now EVERYTHING was exciting and new! I think it had to do with really having the right person and someone able to make this fun and sexy and extremely stimulating. To be very truthfuly, he was completely inexperienced even more than me. We both understood the basics and the basic dynamics but had not really discussed everything in any detail yet. He used his imagination, he went purely on instinct. No direction was given him (even by me... as I could offer little anyway)... and we began to fall more and more that direction in natural turn of events, in our sex life, in our real life, and this became an ongoing thing. It did not feel like we needed practice. We read no books, had no tutor or community to help us. We were not even sure what we were doing or if we were right! We might read a little smattering here or there of something we ran across on the web (knowing it might be unreliable, checking sources often did not completely confirm or prove much of anything). We just did what came to us and seemed to be comfortable and what we liked. We progressed very quickly the first month, even first few months. We did not feel deep into BDSM, and we did not feel hardcore, but very quickly we were catching onto things and finding new ways. We still did not realise, we just knew we were rolling into stuff fast.
We began to discover that what we were doing had "names" - things we did not realise were real BDSM things... and we would laugh, because we had no idea. We were automantically using jargon and code type words and doing the same begaviors as what we read about and saw places and it was quite interesting to discover how well on track we were without knowing it. When we came here I found a person who had over twenty years experience as a Dom, he was in his late sixties, and seemed a very articulate writer, a very mold and even-temper, and intelligent person and I began to ask him question to confirm or see if what I knew and was doing was in line with the community's viewpoints and stand. He told us we had nothing to worry about and that we had a very good understanding and grasp. I guess he became a tutor. I miss him. We became good friends. We have yet to reach out much further, but we do intend to and intend to continue.
First-timers together, no training, instincts, did well according to others, sought to confirm with oldtimers & seek mentorship and will continue...
Any particular questions, feel free to PM me or black box when I am online.
Thank you for your feedback. I will most certainly PM you if I have questions. I appreciate your honesty and views on this. Listening and reading what others have experienced has really been good for me. I am shy person so opening up about something like this is HUGE for me. My friends that I have tried talking with, about this subject are not very supportive. I don't expect them to understand what I am doing or going through, but, hell show a girl a little support.
You are so awesome for sharing this with me.
I am definitely not a" hook up" type of lady. I believe in monogamy and commitment, wholeheartedly.
Her Royal Spriteness
i could very easily write pages and pages based on this question, especially since the two people who have taught me the most about myself as both a sub and a switch have already chimed in, two whom i am honored to call friends as well as Mistresses past and present. really, tho, in my mind, there's really only one important thing here, and it has nothing to do with training. whether you are a Dom, a sub, or a switch, it's all about giving the other what they need. it's selflessness, and not selfishness. surprisingly, it's even more important in a Dom/me - that desire to give your pet pleasure, to take care of her needs above yours, to keep her safe and protected and happy. i have never done any kind of training. i identify as a sub, but the same tendencies within me that allow me to be a sub, also allow me to be a switch on occasion.
remember this - if anyone wants to become a Domme as a power trip, or they think it's just about sex, they're doing it wrong. it's not all about having someone under your thumb and using them - it's taking care of their needs, usually before your own. being a Dom/me is much harder than being a sub. subs simply react. Dom/mes need to guide and be responsible and to be in control at all times. i have nothing but respect for good Dom/mes, and zero for a bad one.
remember this - if anyone wants to become a Domme as a power trip, or they think it's just about sex, they're doing it wrong. it's not all about having someone under your thumb and using them - it's taking care of their needs, usually before your own. being a Dom/me is much harder than being a sub. subs simply react. Dom/mes need to guide and be responsible and to be in control at all times. i have nothing but respect for good Dom/mes, and zero for a bad one.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.