My mistress and I are both new to bdsm, and while we have a wonderful time exploring all sorts of things together, I find myself struggling with topping from the bottom. As this is new territory for both of us, my mistress sometimes feels a bit insecure about her role as a dominant, so I try to be reassuring and help her feel comfortable, but every time I do that, I start taking over the reins from her, which is not something I want to do.
We both wish to be in a D/s relationship very much, so obviously we should both be taking responsibility for making it work. However, personally I think it's easier to hand over control (we've been in a relationship for a while now, so trust isn't an issue), than to accept control over someone along with the responsibility that comes with it. And because I have it easier, I feel more confident about my new role, which unfortunately often results in me topping from the bottom. And neither one of us is happy with that. I just don't really know what to do about it.
Has anyone here had similar problems? Any advice would be very much appreciated.
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Topping from the Bottom
Blackbird Supernova
Your Mistress sounds like she might need more time getting used to being the D in the D/s. She needs confidence in her ability to control you, to lead you through a scene safely and pleasurably. It's not something to take lightly. Perhaps it would be wise for her to seek advice from other Dom(mes). She must have questions, doubts, concerns. It would be great for her to have peers with which to discuss these with, more than just with you, her sub.
That's not to say that you two shouldn't discuss things. Communication is key in any relationship, and more so in this kind of relationship. You both need to be fully aware of what each other needs and wants out of the relationship.
Since this is such a new facet of your relationship, have you considered switching roles? Are you dead set on being the sub, and is she dead set on being the Domme? Just another consideration.
For your part, I would advise patience. Let her lead, even if you get to a point where you feel frustrated that the scene isn't moving forward as quickly as you'd like. You are, after all, the sub. Use your safe words to clearly indicate how you are feeling throughout a scene, then talk about it thoroughly afterwards. What you both liked and didn't like. It will take time.
I wish you both a fruitful and satisfying D/s relationship.
That's not to say that you two shouldn't discuss things. Communication is key in any relationship, and more so in this kind of relationship. You both need to be fully aware of what each other needs and wants out of the relationship.
Since this is such a new facet of your relationship, have you considered switching roles? Are you dead set on being the sub, and is she dead set on being the Domme? Just another consideration.
For your part, I would advise patience. Let her lead, even if you get to a point where you feel frustrated that the scene isn't moving forward as quickly as you'd like. You are, after all, the sub. Use your safe words to clearly indicate how you are feeling throughout a scene, then talk about it thoroughly afterwards. What you both liked and didn't like. It will take time.
I wish you both a fruitful and satisfying D/s relationship.
Thank you. I definitely need to have more patience. Sometimes I worry that my expectations are too high and that I am putting her under a lot of pressure. I try to make it easier for her, but then somehow I manage to make it more difficult. So yeah, I should try to be more patient and just relax.
It's probably the best if she speaks to other Dom/mes. Unfortunately she doesn't speak English, but I am sure there must be German or French forums like this too.
(And we tried switching once, but it felt very weird and made us both uncomfortable.)
Anyway, thanks again. I've never posted here before, so it's great to get a kind reply.
It's probably the best if she speaks to other Dom/mes. Unfortunately she doesn't speak English, but I am sure there must be German or French forums like this too.
(And we tried switching once, but it felt very weird and made us both uncomfortable.)
Anyway, thanks again. I've never posted here before, so it's great to get a kind reply.
D/s roles are pretty clear in my relationship, but being an alpha female myself I won't "top" from the bottom, as you said, but we will 'switch.' It is very clear when we do though, so we are in accord. It is important I feel. If I feel like I am getting some vibe that this is not working~ I back off. We will jocky for position, so to speak, and when we do it is mostly "playful." (It would be a clash otherwise, a little like the obsticle you reached when you must help but can't help.) It may be awkward, it may be hard, but that is when it is time to step back, take those deep breaths and try to work through it and communicate. Easier said than done-yes. It tests relationships, it stretches boundaries and communication skills, it tries our acceptance levels. If the relationship is solid it is still an area to grow through. I am not sure there is an easy way, like a video she could watch, even though the videos are an option and for entertainment together-something you can both discuss too, get ideas, but you probably have already done that). Some people take to certain things easier and observe key signals, taking mental note and instantly put into practice. It is frustrating if your D is not being dominant enough. It can go either way, and in reverse, too. I think I have personally been pained by all of the above. In my current relationship it is better. In bed we do not run hither and thiither, so to speak, lol, but it is a tussle at times for who is on top. We BOTH enjoy the tumble and switch. He ends up on top/dom, though, that is his nature. I also HAVE to respect that and apologise if I overstep in our dealings outside the bedroom. He knows. He understands. He forgives. Your lady Domme may not have as a high of a percentage of Dominatrix as you like or need. You may just have to come to terms.
I really do not know. All I know is that acceptance is key. That probably is not offering what you wanted or needed to hear but I tossed out anything I thought might help.
I really do not know. All I know is that acceptance is key. That probably is not offering what you wanted or needed to hear but I tossed out anything I thought might help. Quote by tea_and_cookies
Sometimes I worry that my expectations are too high and that I am putting her under a lot of pressure....
Expectation will always be our ruin and get us every time.
They are nasty-nasty little buggars.
No one can tell you to stop "expecting" something because Expectaions happen naturally.
Being aware of it though, brings out new options. Bringing something out to light always opens up new doors to deal with things instead of being stuck. Keep an eye out for this.
I hope she will find and let out more of her inner dom, or acquire
