I am very sad right now. A person who had been a great source of support for me is gone. Growing up with the feelings I had over crossdressing and sexuality were, and still are, overwhelming at times. The friend I spoke of also struggled and I just found out that person took their own life.
*Edited*
I'm editing the post about 24 hours after the initial post. This person wasn't a close friend in my daily life, but was a friend who knew what I needed to hear when I was confused about accepting myself. "Lisa" was a member of the TG/TS/CD community in my area and was a great avenue of support for me.
I created the forum post late at night, after I found out about Lisa's death. I didn't have anyone else to talk to at the moment and get some of the feelings out of my head and my heart.
Thank you all.
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Inner turmoil. Depression. Sadness.
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Zina, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the emotional pain that is associated with losing a very close friend. A couple of my friends have been through this and from what I've seen it might help for you to talk about it as much as, and for as long as you wish.
Do you have any support available to you? Family, friends, counselling? If you don't have anyone to talk to right now, there are phone or internet counsellor's available 24/7. You don't have to go through this emotional pain alone.
I'm sure someone else will come along and give you much better advice than I can, but know that I will be thinking of you and your friend. If you ever want to send me a message, just to blow off some steam, or to have a chat, please don't hesitate.
Do you have any support available to you? Family, friends, counselling? If you don't have anyone to talk to right now, there are phone or internet counsellor's available 24/7. You don't have to go through this emotional pain alone.
I'm sure someone else will come along and give you much better advice than I can, but know that I will be thinking of you and your friend. If you ever want to send me a message, just to blow off some steam, or to have a chat, please don't hesitate.
Active Ink Slinger
I agree that you need to get grief counselling. I'd recommend using a LGBT service, you may feel more open.
I also think you might want to do something lasting to remember your friend by. Plant a tree somewere close or a memorial bench in a nearby park, you can go there and reflect and recall your friendship.
I also think you might want to do something lasting to remember your friend by. Plant a tree somewere close or a memorial bench in a nearby park, you can go there and reflect and recall your friendship.
I m truly sorry for your loss Zina..
(((I too have repressed emotions that came out from me I had kept inside since a teen.
They came out after joining here..I struggle a lot with the emotions I'd havebeen hiding.
Anger, disappointment, rage , sadness, abandonment and a huge painful feeling in general. And any rejections I feel real or perceived chips away at my self-esteem , propelling me back into the abyss.
I need extra attention and caring.. a lot of reassurance.)))
I feel you and hope you can find some help..I can suggest reading books on healing your inner child. maybe hopefully you will find a way to to compartementalize your emotions so they aren't so overwhelming. good luck..
I just wanted to say I'll listen if you need someone to talk to.
(((((hugssss)))))
I'm sorry you have to go through such hard times as well Zina..
truly sorry your friend went thru that and could only find relief from death.
(((I too have repressed emotions that came out from me I had kept inside since a teen.
They came out after joining here..I struggle a lot with the emotions I'd havebeen hiding.
Anger, disappointment, rage , sadness, abandonment and a huge painful feeling in general. And any rejections I feel real or perceived chips away at my self-esteem , propelling me back into the abyss.
I need extra attention and caring.. a lot of reassurance.)))
I feel you and hope you can find some help..I can suggest reading books on healing your inner child. maybe hopefully you will find a way to to compartementalize your emotions so they aren't so overwhelming. good luck..
I just wanted to say I'll listen if you need someone to talk to.
(((((hugssss)))))
I'm sorry you have to go through such hard times as well Zina..
truly sorry your friend went thru that and could only find relief from death.
Active Ink Slinger
After I read David Pelzer's account, I found I was not alone.
hugs hugs
first of all huge hugs
losing a friend a lover a family member is so hard is it not
but we have to love ourselves first and be our OWN best friend
yes find a therapist for the things that hurt you
but the best medicine is to become busy
go out with friends
exercise
eat right
read write and listen to music
be GOOD to yourself
perhaps take a class
or maybe take the pain and turmoil you feel inside
to help perhaps a teen who is going through the same thing
helping others take the focus away from you for a bit
I find losing a friend to be the hardest pain of all
as we do confide our deepest darkest to them
as far as the cross dressing goes
a lot of men do this
and you will find a LOT of people here to help you
so reach out ....we are here..they are here
first of all huge hugs
losing a friend a lover a family member is so hard is it not
but we have to love ourselves first and be our OWN best friend
yes find a therapist for the things that hurt you
but the best medicine is to become busy
go out with friends
exercise
eat right
read write and listen to music
be GOOD to yourself
perhaps take a class
or maybe take the pain and turmoil you feel inside
to help perhaps a teen who is going through the same thing
helping others take the focus away from you for a bit
I find losing a friend to be the hardest pain of all
as we do confide our deepest darkest to them
as far as the cross dressing goes
a lot of men do this
and you will find a LOT of people here to help you
so reach out ....we are here..they are here
Site administrator
Zina I too am sorry for your loss. I dont have anything new to say but having lost both of my parents and having gone through a divorce my experience is that three things are absolutely key. Support in terms of family, friends and even professional help if thats what needed. Dont bottle it up/keep it to yourself .. talk about it. Lastly and this may sound rather cold; time is a healer.
Alpha Blonde
I’m sorry for your loss, Zina.
Depression and suicidal ideation is something that a lot of people struggle with. The easiest way to explain it, when going through an intensive episode (lasting either weeks or months or even years), is like swimming against a rip current. Every experience you have that confirms that running negative internal dialogue is like hooking a small weight onto your ankle. With each weight added, you have to swim harder. It’s absolutely exhausting and takes all of your effort to keep your head above water. It is a very scary place to be in because there is no logic or reasoning and sometimes it almost feels like there’s a rational part of you on the outside looking in, and yet feeling powerless to stop the momentum.
Sometimes we forget that, like an illness, there’s not always a magic cure. You could have supported and been there for your friend in every way possible, but sometimes it’s just not enough to turn the tide, so please don’t ever blame yourself for that. I know that it's difficult for many to understand how one could make such a choice. When you can’t swim anymore, you just want to stop. That place of permanent peace is like a ship on a dark stormy night, offering you shelter and a reprieve from the exhaustion of fighting those currents. Please know that it’s a choice that doesn’t come easily. Most people have no idea just when that person first hit the water, but it was likely far before anyone noticed them actually struggling.
Sometimes you don’t know until it’s too late. Similar to people with addictions, many people who suffer from depression have developed ways to hide what they’re going through or diminish their struggle because they don’t want to burden loved ones, bring others down or possibly even fully admit it to themselves either. Sometimes you can’t see it coming because as an outsider looking in, what they’re going through doesn’t always ‘seem that bad’ to warrant such an extreme choice. It might even look like they have a lot going for them, so how can their mind work in such dark ways? Sometimes they’re still smiling… and then one day, unexpectedly, they’re gone.
It’s important to reach our to your own support group to understand that grieving is healthy. In your friend’s case, I can’t imagine the added stress of dealing with a part of himself that doesn’t always garner the support it should in society. The fact that you understand his struggles and have lost a good friend as well as a mutual supporter makes it all the more difficult. Please reach out to others and know that people do care and understand, whether they have lost someone themselves, or whether they're the ones that are still in the water, fighting those currents.
I hope you do find a place of peace and healing, and I know that will take time.
Ashleigh xo
Depression and suicidal ideation is something that a lot of people struggle with. The easiest way to explain it, when going through an intensive episode (lasting either weeks or months or even years), is like swimming against a rip current. Every experience you have that confirms that running negative internal dialogue is like hooking a small weight onto your ankle. With each weight added, you have to swim harder. It’s absolutely exhausting and takes all of your effort to keep your head above water. It is a very scary place to be in because there is no logic or reasoning and sometimes it almost feels like there’s a rational part of you on the outside looking in, and yet feeling powerless to stop the momentum.
Sometimes we forget that, like an illness, there’s not always a magic cure. You could have supported and been there for your friend in every way possible, but sometimes it’s just not enough to turn the tide, so please don’t ever blame yourself for that. I know that it's difficult for many to understand how one could make such a choice. When you can’t swim anymore, you just want to stop. That place of permanent peace is like a ship on a dark stormy night, offering you shelter and a reprieve from the exhaustion of fighting those currents. Please know that it’s a choice that doesn’t come easily. Most people have no idea just when that person first hit the water, but it was likely far before anyone noticed them actually struggling.
Sometimes you don’t know until it’s too late. Similar to people with addictions, many people who suffer from depression have developed ways to hide what they’re going through or diminish their struggle because they don’t want to burden loved ones, bring others down or possibly even fully admit it to themselves either. Sometimes you can’t see it coming because as an outsider looking in, what they’re going through doesn’t always ‘seem that bad’ to warrant such an extreme choice. It might even look like they have a lot going for them, so how can their mind work in such dark ways? Sometimes they’re still smiling… and then one day, unexpectedly, they’re gone.
It’s important to reach our to your own support group to understand that grieving is healthy. In your friend’s case, I can’t imagine the added stress of dealing with a part of himself that doesn’t always garner the support it should in society. The fact that you understand his struggles and have lost a good friend as well as a mutual supporter makes it all the more difficult. Please reach out to others and know that people do care and understand, whether they have lost someone themselves, or whether they're the ones that are still in the water, fighting those currents.
I hope you do find a place of peace and healing, and I know that will take time.
Ashleigh xo
Zina; I am sorry for your loss as well. It is and won't be easy for awhile, but you do have the good memories to help you through. Allow yourself to grieve, please do not try to hold it in. I agree with one of the statements above about a support group. You do not have to try and handle this alone. Also I offer my ear and shoulder if you need it. Do not hesitate to talk if you want. You have lots of friends here.
Her Royal Spriteness
nothing to add that's wise, just lots of hugs and understanding. my wife's sister took her own life last year. i understand how how it is to deal with it. just know that you are not alone. You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.