First, I'd like to say thanks for those who finally got this section of the forums off the ground. I was lobbying hard for a while to get a trans section in the forums, but I disappeared from the internet for quite a while. I do still feel that we could eventually use a trans specific forum, but this is a phenomenal start, so thank you so much to everybody who worked on it.
Now, to my question. Actually, some background first.
For anybody who has advice or commentary, it's important to understand a little about the nature of me. I'm very, very different from the norm. I'm essentially as queer as it gets, and definitely the queerest person I know. Not to say that my way of being queer is better, there's just a lot of it. I've known from as early as I can remember, that my life as an adult would not be like those of anybody else I know. As time wore on I came out as gay, dove back in the closet after a bad experience, then was bi, then flip-flopped some more throughout middle and high school, and finally realized that I'm actually Pansexual, once I learned and understood the term. About a year after that (when I was twenty-two) I discovered - in an intense rush of understanding during a PFLAG meeting I was helping out with - that I was actually Trans. One of the parents there was describing her nineteen year old trans daughter (MTF) and it all clicked inside my head. Since then it has continued to get more complicated.
Since that time, however, it's been difficult for me to remain in a male body, but I've more or less come to terms with it. A bit of an emphasis on the "less" part, though. With all that in mind, a little more than a year ago, I moved in with my girlfriend, who I love so much it makes me cry and giggle simultaneously without any warning sometimes, but, I'm now in what appears to be an extremely straightforward, simple, heterosexual, even heteronormative relationship without a good outlet. I know that she loves me intensely, but she is a straight female, which is the other major problem.
The title of this post was actually my nickname for a little while. The Q is for (undefined) "queer", and the L was for "lesbian", because there was a string of one-night incidents where I was told quite separately by a number of women that having sex me was much more like doing so with a lesbian than with a man. This was not terribly surprising, considering my recent realization. I now feel a little trapped, but for a short period I was able to express myself in a meaningful way until it started being received as a bit of a joke. Also, keeping it from my parents started to become a hassle, though that isn't a huge priority, really just a courtesy to them.
My actual question is, given my circumstance does anybody have any advice on ways to express this side of myself? I have developed reasonably severe Panic Disorder and exacerbated my PTSD as a result of my attempts to live only as a man. In the time since I came out as trans, I have come to understand that I really am some of both, which is why I thought I could handle living this way. Anyway, if anybody has anything to say, I would love to hear it. I wish I had a little more time to work on this, but I'm sure I'll be back to this thread to update it anyway.
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