Lush Limericks

A shapely young woman called Reva

Wanted spanks, as giver and receiver

But most girls were too shy

To give her a reply

Leaving one cold bum and eager beaver

I think this might have been inspired by a dream (or nightmare) of e e cummings being buggered by Aubrey Beardsley. To actually understand this…um, work…read it aloud. It's a tender poem about a quickie in a closet.

So, with apologies to ALL of my English teachers, I present…

.

QUICKITY!

.

Huggity, grabbity, squeezit de chick

Yankity, feel-ity, kiss-ity, lick

Split wid de finger

Pokety, linger

Drop-ity, kneel-ity, grab-it de prick

.

Suckity, suckity, suckity, suck!

Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fuck!

Yankity, jerk

Splash-ity, urk!

Quickity!, belt-ity, zippity, tuck!

There once was a girl of Qatar

Whose sex life was not getting far

The world cup came to town

Three squads passed her around

She scored twelve and gave thanks to Allah

There was a cold prude called Loretta

No soul on this earth tried to net her

Till her midnight abduction

Brought alien instruction

And now there’s just no lover better

A nurse with a soft, comely cleft

Passed me a sweet note as I left

When back in that sperm bank

Her proffered tit-wank

Milked my large balls till they were bereft

To deal with the pranks of his daughter

John met with the woman who taught her

He was quick to agree

To cross teacher’s slim knee

Since ‘a spanking for dad might just sort her’

She told me to take off my clothes

And to bend over and touch my toes

What happened next?

I'll leave you perplexed

But happen again? Predisposed!

My good friend Cornelius Clump

Asked his wife to peg him in the rump

But since she wasn’t keen

(Thought the practice unclean)

He made do with his bicycle pump

The pump would do it's part

He wished with all his heart

With each stroke expanding

He reached understanding

And let out a mighty fart

.

(I do not know who wrote that. It could not have been me.)

There was a young woman called Heather

Whose legs were not often together

Most hours on the clock

They were split by a cock

And her thighs, they wore straps of black leather

There was no kinder girl than Belinda

She’d screwed every suitor on Tinder

When she wed, in a rush

The young vicar did blush

He recalled where she’d put that ring finger

It’s not a Limerick but hey, it’s Christmas!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

We were fucking like rabbits, both pissed on the Grouse.

My stockings were strewn on the back of a chair,

And my legs were akimbo, both feet in the air.

My husband was fucking me hard on the bed,

When, “I’m cumming! I’m cumming!” he finally said.

He finished inside with a moan and a grunt,

Then he slept before making me cum - what a cunt!

I was still feeling horny and down on my luck,

When a noise from outside made me say, “What the fuck?!”

Away to the shutter I flew like a flash,

Our juices still wet in my cock-hungry gash.

I opened the window, peered out in the snow,

And focused my gaze on the garden below,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a huge fucking sleigh and eight randy reindeer!

The driver wolf-whistled and flashed me his dick,

And I knew in a moment, it’s naughty St. Nick!

As soon as the sleigh stopped, the amorous deer

Started rutting; each bull took a cow from the rear.

First Dasher, then Dancer, then Prancer and Vixen,

In Comet, in Cupid, in Donner, in Blitzen!

On the top of the porch! On the top of the wall!

There was no way to stop them, no method at all!

As deer-spunk and faeces bespattered the lawn,

I knew I’d be cleaning it up, come the dawn.

Then, up to the housetop the reindeer they flew

With the sleigh full of sex toys, and Naughty Nick too—

And then, with a clatter, I heard on the roof,

The tiles breaking under the weight of each hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

As bare as a jaybird, his head to his foot,

With his cock and balls tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of sex toys he’d flung on his back,

And he looked like a perv as he ogled my rack.

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry,

I could tell that he fancied my Christmastide cherry!

He took hold of my hair, pushed my head way down low,

Thrust his cock to the back of my throat in one go;

It was huge! Very long and incredibly chubby,

As I sucked him off next to my still-sleeping hubby.

He led me to bed, lay me down on my belly,

As he lubed himself up with some thick K-Y Jelly.

I came so many times with his cock in my ass,

I have never since felt such a fortunate lass.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I was now to be bred;

He spoke not a word, but continued his work,

As he came in my snatch with a curse and a jerk.

Then, laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a signal,

Then flew off next door to fuck young Mrs Dignall.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight—

“Usual time again next year, eh, Nisha? Good night!”

I love it!!

Quote by NishasWorld

It’s not a Limerick but hey, it’s Christmas!

.

No, it's not a limerick. It's a work of fucking genius!

Brava!

Nishasworld, you should publish that under EroticPoems!

Thank you, KimmiBeGood. X😘 It’s just a bit of Christmas fun. Nothing to trouble the mods over lol. 🤪

Brilliant! I think you should trouble the mods for sure. It deserves to be seen by more folk than will come across it here (pun intended).

Or to put it another way:

Nisha composed a rude Yuletide rhyme

Where Santa’s big sack gave her pleasure divine

But stuck in a thread

It’s largely unread

Not to share it more widely would be quite a crime

Bless you all! 😘 Okay, I relent. I'll sent it in. 😁😁

Quote by NishasWorld

Bless you all! 😘 Okay, I relent. I'll sent it in. 😁😁

Great job Nisha...a work of art!😋

I’ve been experimenting with what I’m calling sawn-off limericks (not sure if there’s a proper name for this adaptation). I retain the AABBA rhyming structure but simplify the meter, starting with a single word (usually a name), then keeping all other lines as short as possible.

June

When you moon

I lie

Nearby

And spoon

Safryzer

Verbal miser

Limerick

Gimmick

Organiser

.

Nope, that doesn't do it for me.

I'm a purist at heart as you see.

I like a proper rhyme.

(Unlike sexy-time

Where I'm all for ingenu-it-y.)

Come on dlcalguy, be fair

Innovation belongs everywhere

It’s established, for sure

That less can equal more

And the rhyming it does not impair

A man struck down by gonorrhoea

Told his girlfriend that he couldn’t see her

She quickly shot back

That he’d passed her the clap

And, with that, he was out on his ear

I slept with a fit cook who gave me

A recipe for sexy gravy:

‘Stir my juice and your spunk,

With the end of your junk’

She ate well, but no portion she saved me

One Knight’s physique made him unable

To take his place at the round table

You see, Sir Everhard

By his own prick was barred

So his fate’s unrecorded by fable

Quote by Safryzer

One Knight’s physique made him unable

To take his place at the round table

You see, Sir Everhard

By his own prick was barred

So his fate’s unrecorded by fable

The table was cut with a notch

To accommodate Everhard's crotch

The other knights' harrassment

Left him mute with embarrassment

But at least he could sit there and watch.

Quote by dlcalguy

The table was cut with a notch

To accommodate Everhard's crotch

The other knights' harrassment

Left him mute with embarrassment

But at least he could sit there and watch.

Shame did not render him mute.

The maidens found him quite cute.

They formed a large queue,

And the notch let him view,

The maidens that would play with his flute.

I knew an air ambulance doctor

Who’d fuck in her green rescue ‘copter

The blades still went round

As she shagged on the ground

And folks got in a spin as they clocked her

There is a tall woman called Cat

Who carries not one ounce of fat

When stripped to the buff

Her voluminous muff

Protrudes like the brim of a hat