Sex as release of day to day pressures

26 May 2018

Hi

I am new here and do not know if this is ok to post here Embarassed

We are from scotland uk.
I have been my wife's carer for a long time now and we have always had an active and good sexual relationship. She now has been in remission of cancer now for 12 month and also suffers from mental health problems, but still is not interested in sex even she now is physical recovered. the problem is that sex always has been a pressure release and a necessity to life for me. i have got chronic illnesses myself and suffer from mental health as well, as my wife is and sex was something which kept my equilibrium..

I few years back, when we were younger, we were swingers and had an open relationship, we have been married now for 35 years and are rock solid, as we have always been, never any problems or secrets.
My wife suffered a trauma, about 7 years back, which caused her mental health problems and that it when she did withdraw from society and the outside world, as according to her, they can not be trusted.
She has told me that i can go ahead and have sex with somebody else, but not in our house or any overnight stays and she does not want to be told about it.
We have talked to our Dr and my wife's counselor and also now her psychiatrist, but they all just say to give it time.
I live 40 miles from the nearest town, have not dated for years, so i would not even know where to start to find a willing partner.
Neither do i have the time to look, as i am a carer for her 7 days a week all day and just have a little time in the evening.
so my question is does anybody have any ideas how to deal with this, should I consider looking for carers in the same boat as me, for some mutual relief?
Or would this be wrong? Any tips on finding a sexual no strings attached partner?
Thanks

26 May 2018

This is my view. I think you should just look after your wife and care for her, if you still love and cherish her of which I hope you do . Remember the wedding vows in "sickness and in health" I think finding another partner isn't the right way to do things and is a tad selfish ( trying not to be too harsh here) and could destroy your relationship with your wife of which I am sure that you don't want to do . The medical professionals have already informed you that it will return in time . For now, can you not turn to sex toys to get the sexual relief that you need ?

I am sorry perhaps this is not the answer you wanted to see but I cant condone affairs . You No1 priority is with your wife .

26 May 2018

yes it is sex is great no matter what kind of day you had good or bad

26 May 2018

Quote by black1
This is my view. I think you should just look after your wife and care for her, if you still love and cherish her of which I hope you do . Remember the wedding vows in "sickness and in health" I think finding another partner isn't the right way to do things and is a tad selfish ( trying not to be too harsh here) and could destroy your relationship with your wife of which I am sure that you don't want to do . The medical professionals have already informed you that it will return in time . For now, can you not turn to sex toys to get the sexual relief that you need ?

I am sorry perhaps this is not the answer you wanted to see but I cant condone affairs . You No1 priority is with your wife .

To disagree mildly here, while I get the gist of what you're saying, the OP says that they had an open relationship in the past and that his wife has given him permission, so the "affair" aspect isn't quite as black and white as you are painting it. The fact is, he isn't doing her any favours by neglecting himself. The selfless caregiver of myth is usually also a burnt out caregiver. While maybe having an outside sex partner is going too far, he definitely needs time to himself whether it's with friends or whomever. And if she is really onboard with him getting some action outside the home while she recovers and he really does need that to help him get through the situation, then maybe it's okay. It's between him and her and not really ours to judge.

Quote by knowledge
Hi
few years back, when we were younger, we were swingers and had an open relationship, we have been married now for 35 years and are rock solid, as we have always been, never any problems or secrets.
My wife suffered a trauma, about 7 years back, which caused her mental health problems and that it when she did withdraw from society and the outside world, as according to her, they can not be trusted.
She has told me that i can go ahead and have sex with somebody else, but not in our house or any overnight stays and she does not want to be told about it.
We have talked to our Dr and my wife's counselor and also now her psychiatrist, but they all just say to give it time.
I live 40 miles from the nearest town, have not dated for years, so i would not even know where to start to find a willing partner.
Neither do i have the time to look, as i am a carer for her 7 days a week all day and just have a little time in the evening.
so my question is does anybody have any ideas how to deal with this, should I consider looking for carers in the same boat as me, for some mutual relief?
Or would this be wrong? Any tips on finding a sexual no strings attached partner?
Thanks

So, after saying that, I think the real answer is that you probably do need some time away from home, regardless of whether sex is involved. Here in my part of Canada, our community home care agencies offer what is called respite care, where a nurse or personal support worker from the agency pulls a shift in the home with the patient so the family caregiver(s) can get a break. It is government funded (thank God for medicare) in many circumstances but many of the agencies that employ the caregivers are private companies contracted by the government agency responsible and will do it on a private pay basis as well. Alternatively, especially if you don't have money, is there family or a close friend nearby who could take a "shift" now and then? Because, really, I'm not sure if it's sex specifically you need or just more opportunities to have a life of your own. And if sex is really what you need, then the time freed up by respite care could be used for that.