I would right now, only because I'm only 20, far too young to play 'mum' to someone elses kids and i think that a single guy who has a kid at my age is someone to be slightly wary of
P.S. But if all you wanted was to talk with other people how to avoid single parent then I was guessing wrong with my former post
Up until now, I probably would have avoided a man with kids, simply because as MMonroe said, I think I'm too young to handle the implications/responsibility of co-parenting in a relationship.
But at this point, I'd probably say that a guy with kids isn't a total dealbreaker if I was in love with him... and it wouldn't stop me from falling in love with him either. I know that it would definitely be a relationship I'd have to take very seriously, because I agree that when children are involved, everything takes on a more serious tone.
I would want to make sure that wires weren't be crossed and that everyone was on the same page in terms of the status of the relationship and the whether there was any potential for it to evolve into something permanent.
Relationships like these are also further complicated by issues that might arise because there is another parent involved that may or may not like the new "boyfriend or girlfriend".
I was raised in a single parent home, and my mom was still able to date (quite a lot).
To "She"... I hope your friend Brigita starts to have some better luck. I know it was hard for my mom, and I agree your criteria in looking for a new partner definitely changes the more complicated the 'package deal' becomes. My mother did it though... so hope it works out eventually for her!
My first serious girlfriend actually had a 2 year old so I was tossed right into the "daddy" role when I was 18-20.
It made things very, very difficult although at the time, I didn't really have anything to compare it to. I would probably avoid such a situation again if possible but If the woman was something special I could probably deal with it. Dealing with douche bag deadbeat dads is definately a minus though when considering a serious relationship.
Speaking as a woman with kids, if I happened to be single, they wouldn't even be meeting the new man in my life until he wasn't so new anymore. I'd need to get to know him really well before I'd invite him into my children's lives.
I'm not overly protective, but I don't feel it's good for kids to become attached to someone who's possibly not going to be around for very long - and who could also turn out to be the wrong kind of influence in their lives.
I am one of the single mom's out there, 2 of my 3 children are still at home. I find that I actually avoid the whole dating thing, probably because I am not looking for a new "daddy figure" for my children. I am very discreet when I do actually date. I don't want to have my kids, meet and become attached to some guy that is not likely to be around in a few months.
Thank you Dancing_Doll for nice thoughts for my friend. I appreciate that. Brigita really needs to work on her self-confidence,
but as you know, she as a mother always waits for her turn, always after kid.
As I can see this, the only thing I can do is to hold her back if she will start falling down.
I can understand and do admire you not wanting to get into the same scenario as before. Not only did it hurt you, I'm sure it had an impact on the child. I blame the mother in this. I have several friends that are in the package deal mode. Some of them are daddy shopping but, the other smarter ones won't even let the child meet the new man in her life as Lola said, until things really progress along. It has to have a profound impact on the child unless of course it's older and becomes flippant or callous in mom's never ending search for a man. I have seen that too and predict either a shrink in their future or relationship issues of their own. Sometimes women, in their mad dash to land a man forget that when they have a child there's someone else that can be deeply effected by her actions in doing so. I'm sure the warning that they're a "package deal" is something many get accustomed to saying given the ratio of men to women in the US.
WMM. you seem to introduce some very deep issues into the forum mix. I think it is a good thing.
I am familiar with this situation. When children are involved it is best to think of the children first. Mothers who keep the children from being introduced until a relationship progresses are doing the right thing. Woman who insist on a package deal are doing the right thing. Introducing a male into the mix who doesn't give a shit is harmful to everyone. In my view if a guy gets involved with a woman with children he has to surrender his expectations of the singles' life.
Family life to be successful is different, it can be rewarding to raise a child but life is different with a child in the mix. No mother should be forced to choose between a man and her children. This is such a serious subject that being light will not do. I have seen the damage first hand of what irresponsible adults have done to children. I have seen children the product of abuse, drug filled relationships, relationships where they are ignored, sexual abuse etc. Not a one of them deserved what they were getting in life. Children want and need to be loved and nurtured. Any man should think twice about entering into a relationship where he will be involved in the lives of children. If the man does not want to be committed to the well being of the children he should look elsewhere for love.
Just wanted to add a few addition thoughts from the perspective of the child, rather than the parent...
Speaking as a child that was raised in a single parent home where I met many new "Uncle So-and-So's" at the breakfast table over the years, I do agree that single parents should take care to be way more cautious before introducing new people to their kids. It can be incredibly confusing.. and even frightening sometimes.
It definitely takes more effort to figure out ways to have someone else look after the kids, or arrange date nights that are separate from the family home in the beginning, but I think this is well worth the effort.
Half the time I had no idea who these guys were, and looking back on things, being indiscriminate with introducing new men/women to your kids can also be dangerous. Young children are always in a more vulnerable place and you have to really consider who you are inviting into their lives.
Having said that... I turned out OK (sort of).. LOL... But I know she feels bad about the mistakes she made along the way when she looks back in hindsight on trying to balance dating and raising kids...
).
