Creative Ideas, Please.

14 Apr 2013

The shop where I work is five paces away from a pub, and about twenty paces away from another pub. Rather than smoke, vomit, pee and poo in the pubs' own handy doorways, people choose to do that in our doorway.

I have nothing against people smoking if that's what they want to do. But flicking and grinding their ciggie butts into the floor proper pees me right off. The pee down the wall also pees me off, as does the amount of vomit plastered down it and splattered over the floor. And last week, somebody (for the second time) took a great big steaming dump in the corner. By the time we found it, it had spread, congealed, and started crusting over.

Most Mondays, and often mid-week, we have to bleach and scrub the tiles clean of encrusted human liquids.

Delightful. angry7

It is not possible to section off and barricade the doorway, as the cost is prohibitive. However, this is Lush, and there are some creative people here. Therefore, what would you suggest, if money and reality were no issue, to either prevent, or punish such nasty little knobheads?

Remember, no blood spillage is allowed, because I will have to clean that up, too. I thought about electrifying the tiles so that when liquid makes contact with them, they act like a tazer. But we're not allowed to give heart attacks or seriously injure people. I sort of like the idea of a vat of mouldy custard being dumped on them, but again, there's the clean-up. Then I thought of some kind of spray that coats the person in gluey feathers.

But most of the ideas I had were illegal, fatal, and/or involved me cleaning up more bodily fluids. So what ideas that are safer and more legal can you think of to make me giggle whenever I have to clean the doorway?

Please help me. Big Hugs

Love Daisy. flower

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***

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14 Apr 2013

Ok this is pretty boring, and inexpensive, but what if you had one of those sensor spotlights installed, so if someones enters that area a spotlight turns on, theres a few on my street when i walk home in the evening and I just automatically think someone is coming out where it lit up, it could deter the filth.
If you really wanted to make it fun you could have a camera too hahaha, and then have a big screen telly in the window showing thier inappropriate behaviours! Ok the second part is more expensive, but i got carried away. bunny

14 Apr 2013

The FIRST idea I had when I started reading this was to electrify the tiles! sign5

Beat me to it, damn!

The next that came to mind would be putting a little poster in the window - a couple of women laughing with a caption like:

"That is the smallest one I have ever seen!"

Might put them off smile

@Lizerotica

14 Apr 2013

Have you considered a net?

14 Apr 2013

Put an advert in the local paper for volunteer:

O.A.P.N.S.O. - Old Age Pensioner Nocturnal Security Officers

Failing that, these on sensors:

@Lizerotica

14 Apr 2013

You could borrow Rex and Warrington from my 'Lizzie's Lost World'. Might give you a laugh to imagine them guarding your shop. (Rex does get the shits when he eats meat though!)

More seriously, you could get one of those (fake) security cameras or security lights... and you should report it to the police - it is a crime and they will do something about it. (Something which involves an excessive use of the truncheon hopefully!)

Good luck!!

14 Apr 2013

Some good ideas, people. But I neeeed some out-of-the-box ideas that will make me snigger to myself.

I'm not looking for stuff I could actually do, since we don't have the money, really. I just need something that will make me smile whilst I'm cleaning up puke.

Like, a massive cage slides down around the person and blares out, "This person is a twat!" until the coppers get there. Or, they fall into a tank with baby bass (stabby little fish) and are left there forever getting nommed by them.

You are not restricted by money or reality for these ideas.

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***

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14 Apr 2013

Build a water activated trap door that drops them into a huge tub of the dye they use to mark money but only set it up to go off during opening hours. You know the type that only glows with u/v light then fix both pubs up with u/v lights.

15 Apr 2013

Install a contraption that distributes a kick in the nut-region when bodily fluids come in contact with the tiles.

"What is the quality of your intent?" - Thurgood Marshall

15 Apr 2013

Either a fake security camera or a notice that says there is a hidden camera. Something like this:

Quote by Security Sign
THIS AREA MONITORED BY SECURITY CAMERAS. OWNER RESERVES THE RIGHT TO SELL VIDEO WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE.

If the threat of posting video of your drunk vandals on YouTube doesn't deter them, nothing will.

15 Apr 2013

Quote by EDWolfe
Either a fake security camera or a notice that says there is a hidden camera. Something like this:

If the threat of posting video of your drunk vandals on YouTube doesn't deter them, nothing will.

Nothing will deter them in reality. So many people just don't care now. The binge-drinking culture is immense here. There is a security camera for the street, but it's either pointing the other way, or it's useless, as the shops across the road found out when one got the window smashed in, and the other got held up at cashing-up time.

The coppers aren't bothered by drunken spewers doing their ablutions. The doorway is hidden from the road if you turn your back. We do have cameras in the shop, but not in the doorway.

I like the kick in the nuts one, but maybe that O.A.P. bitch-slap for the girls will help, since the poo had loads of pink feathers stuck to it. We reckon it was a hen party. These lasses get all dolled up in tiny outfits, slap on the make-up and totter about in tiny heels. By the time they've spent all their money on alcohol and trying to pull lads, they are reduced to walking around in bare feet, trying to keep their tiny boob-tubes on (or off, in some cases), and pooing in shop doorways. Mmmm, classy.

And don't get me started on when the football's been on!

Maybe we should bring back the stocks...

I'll just clarify, I'm looking for silly/impossible ideas that will make me laugh. sunny

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***

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15 Apr 2013

How about an electrified floor mat in the door way that when it gets wet will shock the perp. (I've always wanted to be able to use the word "perp" in a sentence). Although I find in my experience that brightly lighting the area does seem to help a little.

15 Apr 2013

Okey Dokey, Miss Daisy, the pee hits the floor, triggering flashing lights, these are all around the doorway, like the entrance to a carnival attraction. Then the music starts. The kind you hear at the circus. While the culprit is stunned into a statue-like state, jets open up. These spray out a non-toxic (we must be aware of the environment) long lasting glue. Then...... from all sides we have lovely little blasts of pink dyed duck down. Are you getting the picture?

15 Apr 2013

Maybe this will satisfy your need to chuckle and help you with your situation:
First things first. Anything you do is "after the fact" so your issue with cleaning up after the fact isn't valid. You will have a clean up regardless. It goes with the underlying problem. So get over that aspect.
1 - You need a motion detector light fixture.
2 - Replace the normal light bulb with a strobe light. Some modification to the fixture may be required
3 - Attach a playback device that will play (Choose)
The theme song for the local football club, or better yet their arch rival
Rule Brittania
Hail to Chief (Played for US Presidents)
God Save the Queen (May be considered disrespectful of Her Majesty) Going for the gays here, if they aren't a problem feel free to ignore... smile

Any other local musical item that will "wake the perv up with a start"....You get the idea.
4 - Either relocate or add a new camera to photograph the "porch", i.e., the area between your front door and the street.
The strobe light will startle the perp. The loud musical overture will piss off your neighbours and they will complain to the police who will be forced to take action due to the noise complaints. I will assume that you can't be held liable for the noise violation since you didn't initiate it.
My guess is that the pub owners might be held to task by the authorities.
Get the pub owners to help you by posting the pictures, taken by the camera in 4, in their pubs. This will show the authorities that they are trying to help you.
If the perp is a regular, (s)he'll be embarrassed to hell and back.
Hope this helps...Makes me chuckle...Opps...sorry I have to go pee, I'm looking for a doorway close by. Damn I don't have your address and next time it'll be too late...)

15 Apr 2013

Sorry to disappoint, but all of my ideas are very feasible and not at all silly:

1. Shock therapy:

Find an elderly chap with an exhibitionist streak, dress him in a trench coat and a hat (and nothing else) and have him flash the unsuspecting visitors when they open the door.

Not silly because: It's a doorway, not a public place.
Not impossible because: How hard can it be to find an exhibitionist?

2. Reverse psychology:

Get someone to parade in the street in a jacket with a charity name and have them chase passers-by: 'Do you have two pounds a month to spare for charity? Let's go there (point to the door) and talk some more'.

Alternative:
'Oh, you're just in time to join us for our prayer. Come in! Today's topic: How to save your soul and abandon alcohol forever.'

(No insult to charities or religious institutions intended, I'm only assuming drunk people not to be interested.)

Some more alternatives:
'Have you been injured recently and it wasn't your fault? Come, we'll find if you're eligible for compensation.'
'Want cheap international calls? Come in and we'll give you gazillion free minutes!'

Not silly because: It wouldn't exactly be a rare sight, would it?
Not impossible because: You only need one person who's willing to exercise their marketing skills, you could even offer it as an apprenticeship.

3. Sensory overload and confusion:

Have at least five burly men stand in the doorway in police hats and red leather thongs and have 'You Sexy Thing' by Hot Chocolate played as soon as the door is opened, the blokes swinging their hips to the music and then gently guide the intruders out of the building, but not before giving them a gentle warning slap on their bum.

Not silly because: A little silly, but I'd like to see it (I'm incredibly serious, so anything I come up with is sensible by definition) smile

Not impossible because: You only need to go to the local gym to scout for candidates (I could take that task off your shoulders...)

4. Low budget, practical and worth a shot: A big 'Beware of Dog' sign (or five of them).

At the very least, have some really funny and silly music play while you're scrubbing.

15 Apr 2013

Quote by Shylass
I'll just clarify, I'm looking for silly/impossible ideas that will make me laugh.

This is the best thread I have read for a while, so much potential for laughs galore! Lfunny

Nice one Daisy!

###############

You set up several digital cameras inc. flashes, hooked up to a sensor. When the perp starts relieving themselves, the cameras all go off snapping a full body shot regardless of standing or squatting.
You send the photos to me and I Photoshop either:

- Their cocks to 25% of their size (for the guys)
- A nasty looking ZZ-Top bush between their legs (for the gals)

You display them as a slideshow on a large screen in the window for the amusement of all.

###############

A sensor triggers a trapdoor which opens up underneath them.
Whilst stuck in the pit, a specially designed chemical compound gets sprayed on them which eats through all clothing and hair without causing any other damage.
After 10 minutes or so, a door slides open in the side of the pit allowing them to crawl their way to freedom.
Through a mountainous collection of the human waste from your shop front of course! (Shawshank Redemption style)
They now have the enviable job of making their way home, naked, bald and covered in shit.

###############

The perp gets trapped in a cage and sprayed with chloroform.
Automated robotic arms carry them into a room in the back of the shop and strap them to a chair.
(Bit of computer programming required for this part - best ask Gav)
A random picture is selected from a Google Images search from a number of different key phrases, including but not limited to:

- The worlds worst tattoos
- Horrible sex tattoos
- What the hell is THAT!?
- Random shit

A second random generator selects a body part, onto which the design is then tattooed by one of the robotic arms.
When finished, the perp is promptly ejected through the front door of the shop and the whole system resets.

@Lizerotica

15 Apr 2013

Quote by AbigailThornton
You could borrow Rex and Warrington from my 'Lizzie's Lost World'. Might give you a laugh to imagine them guarding your shop. (Rex does get the shits when he eats meat though!)

Who will clean up after Rex? giggle

@Lizerotica