Marriage: nature's contraceptive

IS love really all you need in a relationship? Or does everything fizzle out when the lust dies?

When sex is ordinary in a relationship, it's sort of like having ordinary cooking - there's the occasional grizzle, but life goes on.

But where When there's no sex in a relationship, that's all the relationship is about.

No matter what the topic of conversation, what issue is at hand, the underlying phrase the couple breathes is "we're not having sex".

If 50 per cent of marriages fail, I'd bet that in 49 per cent of the cases, there is no sex.

No matter how insufferable most other marital issues are, during sex those issues get a reprieve for at least a short time.

What takes their place is a physical, emotional or intimate means of connection: a reunion.

In the 40s and 50s the most marriageable asset for a man was to prove he could provide, and for a woman it was that she was a virgin.

By the 60s it was "free love" and by the 70s and 80s everything marketable was boiled down to whether or not it was sexy.

If you wanted a partner you had to prove you were "hot". It was then, and continues now, to be a person's most marketable asset.

Out to stud

If she started out 10 years ago a sexual siren, but has grown away from that identity, or he was the sexual stud and has grown away from that identity, it means that either or both have felt pressured to continue acting in away that is no longer authentic.

Here's the mystery of libido.

Some of my "hottest" female clients complain that one minute they're standing there with passionate desire, and a nanosecond later, like a candle in front of an open window, a puff of wind blows it out.

I've had male clients who would describe themselves as sexually insatiable. They meet the sexy woman of their dreams and are always in the mood. All of a sudden - boom, or rather fizz. They can't perform.

What do you do if the sexual non-functioner is your husband or wife, if you have children, a mortgage, if you love each other, are committed, are best friends, have everything else going for you, but sex is out the window?

The question that needs to be asked is, "If we never have sex again, will you leave me?"

Please don't go

This is usually the "non-performer's" overwhelming fear. The person being asked needs time to think about the answer.

Surprisingly, after reflection, many deprived spouses say no. When asked why, the answer is that the other assets compensate.

What this liberation from the fear of abandonment and loss does is wipe the slate clean. Whatever the sexual tension, the sexual dynamic, the sexual struggle, it's over.

With sex no longer a threat to end a relationship, there are no rules. Each can take time to reassess their sexuality; sex may be quieter, gentler, slower or less frequent. But there is no threat in there being spaces.

One male client consumed with sexually deprived resentment was told by his wife that she wouldn't blame him if he left.

At first he felt liberated, exhilarated and free to leave. Then he became overwhelmed with sadness.

The idea of not having her in his life made him feel despondent. He told her his new-found truth - which was that he'd never leave her.

This changed the whole psyche of their relationship. He felt he'd made a conscious choice, which dissipated his resentment, and with her new emotional security, she slowly emerged sexually.

He discovered that what replaced quantity was the pleasure of her sexual authenticity, however infrequent. He was satisfied.

Out of the ashes of sexual honesty something can grow that's far more comfortable, relaxed and real - a basis to build the rest of your lives on.

Q I constantly have to reassure my boyfriend that I won't cheat on him like his last girlfriend did. He still doesn't trust me.

A Don't. He has to take responsibility for his insecurity and decide he's willing to trust again or you'll never be seen for your real self.

Quote by mrplow
I have 8 inches, and always lie back thinking of Susan.

Quote by Curious2c
This was true for me. We had sex far more often and far more adventurously before we got married. Matter of fact, had I not loved her as I do, I would have walked after the fourth year of marriage. What really go to me was one time just a few years ago she read a cosmopolitan article that gave number of times per month that a couple has sex and what kind of love life that was rated as. We fell into the 'never' zone. Once a month is considered a lack of sex life. Again, all that caused me was more heartache when she got so upset over that. It's all her, not me. I have always been 'over-sexed' according to her and she's been 'normal' now she knew that was not the way things were. Did it change anything? Nope...still once or twice a month. I'm still highly sexed, she's still low sexed. *sigh* Gotta love her though.


This isn't a post of 'poor me' by the way. I've come to accept life as it is, and that things will never be perfect for anyone.