From TheOnion:
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.
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