I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to S**t yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, hot
to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred
to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first, all
seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S **t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud, the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk
turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor, so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new laugh, an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly
things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time, I got to the john,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of, 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound,
and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you
ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two, which ought to take
care of the problem.'
My smirking, of course, set me off again, causing residual gasses to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt
up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but
leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the
whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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Blue Humor
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Next time use the 'ghost' pepper...
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhut_Jolokia_pepper
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhut_Jolokia_pepper
Active Ink Slinger
OMFG, my sides are aching laughing so much.
The hottest chili sauce I’ve heard of, and tried is "mad dog 357" it's unreal, If you click on Charlie_Brown's link above and read about the scoville scale this stuff registers at an amazing 6000,000, and has a legal disclaimer on the bottle, and their serious !!
The hottest chili sauce I’ve heard of, and tried is "mad dog 357" it's unreal, If you click on Charlie_Brown's link above and read about the scoville scale this stuff registers at an amazing 6000,000, and has a legal disclaimer on the bottle, and their serious !!
Active Ink Slinger
Active Ink Slinger
I live with 6 men – I’ve experienced this more than once… 