Funny Stuff

We've all heard the saying "An apple a day keeps the doctors away", but what the saying doesn't specify is that for it to actually work, it takes good aim.

Most people blame the dryer for their clothes shinking, when in truth they should blame the fridge...

A man goes to see his doctor.

Man- So Doctor?

Dr - I have bad news and worse

Man - What's the bad news?

Dr- You have 24 hours to live.

Man - What can be worse than that?

Dr - I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.

This couple was getting a bit older, and bedroom communication was getting worse. Both were losing their hearing.

So the wife had an idea. She told her husband, “If I’m feeling horny, I’ll grab your dick and wait for a response. Grab one breast for no and both breasts for yes.”

The husband nodded, seeing how this could help in the dark. So he said, “That’s a good plan. If I’m feeling horny I’ll grab your chest with both hands and wait for a response. Tug on my dick once for yes. If you don’t want to have sex tug it about 50 times for a no.”

Teacher asked her class if anyone could make up a sentence containing the word contagious, little Jimmy was first to put his hand up please miss I have one, teacher crossed her fingers had a silent prayer (having previously experienced some of jimmy's answers) ok James let's hear it, our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush my dad say's it's going to take the cunt ages.

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😀

😋

Samuel L Jackson is going to see his doctor about some test results.

"Mr L Jackson, I am afraid you are showing signs of Alzheimer's..."

"WHAT?"

"Mr L Jackson, I am afr---"

"I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMN THING!"

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Just got the funniest interaction with a random (scam?) caller...

Him: Hello Mr. [Wrong name, previous holder of the number], I'm John Doe with the XYZ company, blah blah blah...

Me (cutting him off before he finishes his sales-pitch): Let's cut to the chase, what's your angle here?

Him: Huh? My 'angle'? I'm not sure I follow you there, Sir...

Me: Let me make this clearer then... What's the scam?

Him: This is no scam, I'm calling to inform you that blah blah...

Me (cutting him off again): Come on, what's in it for you?

Him (after a couple seconds checking his call-script for an appropriate answer) : No, you don't understand Sir, we're calling to inform you that blah blah (having found no rebuttal in his script, he fell back to repeating his last line.)

Me (cutting him off once more): So you're gonna try to pretend someone is paying you to call a random number, using a list which is out-of-date by at least 15 years since you still have the name of the previous holder of this number, without profiting from it in any way? Sounds like a really shitty business strategy to me...

Him (hangs up)

🤣

If you're name is Richard you're shouldn't send your selfies to anyone online.

No one likes dick pics

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