i heard one the other day that made me chuckle, but i forget how it goes... i'm going to try anyways...
two men are talking... no... a man asks... umm... it has to do with clothes fitting and a mistress and a wife... god, i suck at this. i'll try to remember it... *sighs*
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
okie, lemme give you a hand here....
two men were talking and one of them asks the other "that girl you went to that clothes fitting with, she was your mistress and not your wife right?"; and the other one replies "god, i such at this... tell me what gave me away and i'll try to remember it" ....
does it begin like this? hehe
When the Ark grounded on Mount Ararat, Noah and his family and all the animals were enjoined to “go forth, be fruitful and multiply”.
Whereupon the snakes complained “We can’t multiply ... we’re adders.”
So Noah got out his trusty carpentry tools, cut down a drowned tree, took the log and from it fashioned a table. Then he took the snakes and put them on the table.
“There”, he said. “Even adders can multiply on a log table.”
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession...
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Three mice are sitting at a bar drinking and bragging about how tough they are.
"When I see a rat trap, I like to trip it on purpose, catch the bar, bench press it 20 times, and then steal the cheese," the first mouse says.
"When I see those rat bait stations, I take a piece home and put it in my coffee for a little extra kick," the second mouse says.
The third mouse says nothing, he just gets up to leave.
"Where are you going? Are we too tough for you?" the other mice tease.
"I'm going home to fuck the cat." He replies.
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just ARRRRRHHHHHHHHHH!
A young boy came home early one day and went upstairs to his mum's room because he was hungry. There he surprised his mum as she was still in bed with her lover. She grabbed the kid and hurried him into the closet. The boy stood there and waiting until suddenly he heard his father shouting from downstairs. Not long after the lover came into the closet, hiding from the angry husband.
"Really dark in here" said the boy.
"Yeah"
"I have a football(soccerball to you yanks)"
"Well that's nice."
"You wanna buy it? Only cost you £100"
"100 quid? No chance!"
"My dad's just downstairs..."
"Alright alright! Just be quiet." So the lover bought the football from the young boy.
The next day the lad come home early again. Once more he found his mother in bed with her lover and she hurried him into the closet. Again a little later his dad come home and shouted from down the stairs and so the lover ran into the closet.
"Really dark in here" said the boy.
"Oh God.. Yeah."
"I have a pair of football gloves."
"Alright alright, how much?"
"£200."
"200 quid? But the ball was only 100?"
"My dad's just downstairs..."
"Alright alright!" and so the lover bought the gloves for 200 quid.
The next day the dad told the boy to get his ball and gloves and they'd go out in the backyard to play a bit. The boy had to admit that he had sold the ball and gloves to a new friend. When the dad asked how much he admitted that it was for 300 pounds. "You scammed your mate for 300 quid? That's it! You're going to church to confess to the priest!" To church they went and the dad pushed the boy into the confession box. He sat there silent for a while, looking around before finally muttering to the priest.
"Really dark in here."
"Don't you fucking start that shit again!!!"
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
"What is the quality of your intent?" - Thurgood Marshall
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this... a joke?"
Little Johnny walked in on his parents fucking, and ran out of the room crying. Thinking it was funny, Johnny's dad just laughed it off and finished his business before rolling off to go talk to him. He looked all over the house before finally finding him on top of his grandmother, fucking her.
What the hell is going on here? The dad asked
Not so funny when it's your mother, is it? his son replied.
The new head of the mental institution,Cal ,was touring the facilities with Liz, the doctor he was replacing. They came to the last floor in the building. A sign hung "Hopeless Cases" it read. Cal says "These three patients are the worst cases. I wish we could find some help for them."
They came to the first door and opened it. Inside they see a short man whose hand is stuck into his robe. Cal asks the man, "Please tell your new doctor what your problem is." The short man answers "I have no problem, there is nothing wrong with me!" So Liz says, "What is your name?" And the short man says "I am Napoleon Bonaparte! I must get out of here so that I may conquer the world!" The two doctors nodded to each other and departed the room. Liz says to Cal, "I hope you can help him." And they move on to the next door.
They opened the door and entered the second room. Inside they find a tall bearded man wearing a tall hat. Cal asks the man, "Please tell your new doctor what your problem is." The tall man grabs the lapels on his robe and says, "Good day to you, my problem is that I am being held against my will. Sir, you must release me! I need to keep our nation from destroying itself in a civil war!" The two doctors nodded to each other and departed the room. After closing the door Liz looks at Cal and says "let me guess, Abraham Lincoln?" Cal says to Liz, "Yes, I hope you can help him." And they move on to the last door.
They opened the door and entered the last room. In side they see a naked man leisurely lying on a cot, his hands behind his head. He has an impressive hard-on and is balancing an unshelled peanut on the head of his dick. He looks at the two doctors and gives a nod of his head. Liz turns to Cal and gives him a questioning look. Cal give a sweep of his hand at the prone man saying, "Ask him." Liz looks at the man for a moment, then asks "What's wrong with you." He smiles at the two doctors and says, "There is nothing wrong with me, I'm just fucking nuts."
