Reminds me of the time I tried to pick up a lady basketball player. "What would you say to a little fuck?" I asked.
Looking down at me, she replied, "Hello little fuck."
Troublemaker
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just for a little laugh
Troublemaker
Then there was this other time. I certainly wasn't eighteen anymore when I found myself in the soon to be naked company of a rather dazzling woman considerably younger than I. Feeling rather confident and quite worldly compared to this young inexperienced beauty I dropped my towel and asked "Do you know what this is little girl?"
Deadpan she replied "It looks like a penis only smaller."
Deadpan she replied "It looks like a penis only smaller."
"the Great God (snicker)" - James 'Bear' Llewellyn
Heidi and LYFBUZ cracked me up.
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside light on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused, reached over and started fondling his wife's pussy. He did this only for a short while. Then he resumed reading his book.
He did this several times and his wife became gradually more aroused. She thought her husband was seeking some sort of response as an encouragement to go further.
She got up, and stripped in front of him. The husband was confused by this behaviour.
He asked, "What are you doing? Why are you taking off your night shirt?"
The wife replied, "You were fingering me, I thought it was foreplay and that you wanted to make love tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife asked, "Then what the hell were you doing?"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside light on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused, reached over and started fondling his wife's pussy. He did this only for a short while. Then he resumed reading his book.
He did this several times and his wife became gradually more aroused. She thought her husband was seeking some sort of response as an encouragement to go further.
She got up, and stripped in front of him. The husband was confused by this behaviour.
He asked, "What are you doing? Why are you taking off your night shirt?"
The wife replied, "You were fingering me, I thought it was foreplay and that you wanted to make love tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife asked, "Then what the hell were you doing?"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
My latest offering -
Once more in Love Poems - My Forever Beauty
My 2 previous submissions:
Both Love Poems
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After ten years a wife started to think their kid looked kind of strange so she did a DNA tests and found out the child was not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
He replied, "You don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and told me to change him, so I when back in and got a clean one."
He replied, "You don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and told me to change him, so I when back in and got a clean one."
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A family was at the dinner table and the boy ask the father . "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father answered, "Well son a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's they are like melon, round and fresh. In her 30's and 40's they are like pears, still nice but hang a bit. After 50 they are like onions." "Onions" the son asked. "Yes, said the father, You look at them and cry"
This infuriated the wife and daughter.
The daughter asked, "mom how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiled and said. Well dear, a man goes though three phases also. In his 20's it is like the mighty oak tree, strong and hard. In his 30's and 40's it is like the birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50 it is like the Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" The daughter asked. "Yes, Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration"
This infuriated the wife and daughter.
The daughter asked, "mom how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiled and said. Well dear, a man goes though three phases also. In his 20's it is like the mighty oak tree, strong and hard. In his 30's and 40's it is like the birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50 it is like the Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" The daughter asked. "Yes, Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration"
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Deep in Appalachia a handsome young supermarket clerk was helping a woman to her car with her groceries.
Halfway across the parking lot she turned to him furtively and said “I have an itchy pussy.”
In his mountain drawl he replied “You’re gonna have to point it out to me, ma’am. All them Japanese cars look the same to me.”
Halfway across the parking lot she turned to him furtively and said “I have an itchy pussy.”
In his mountain drawl he replied “You’re gonna have to point it out to me, ma’am. All them Japanese cars look the same to me.”
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Husband: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Wife: Whatever floats your boat.
Husband: No, that's buoyancy.
Wife: Whatever floats your boat.
Husband: No, that's buoyancy.
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A policeman on his horse says to a girl on a bike. "Did Santa give you that bike for Christmas?"
"Yes" she replied.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it" and fined her $5 dollars.
The girl looked up at th policeman and said, "Nice horse you have there, did Santa give you it for Christmas?"
The policeman chucked and said "He sure did did".
"Well" Said the girl, "Tell Santa next year the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!
"Yes" she replied.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it" and fined her $5 dollars.
The girl looked up at th policeman and said, "Nice horse you have there, did Santa give you it for Christmas?"
The policeman chucked and said "He sure did did".
"Well" Said the girl, "Tell Santa next year the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!
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CHRISTMAS TREE FOR SALE
Once lit you will see
three wise men,
7 dwarfs,
Santa and even a reindeer reindeer
Once lit you will see
three wise men,
7 dwarfs,
Santa and even a reindeer reindeer
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Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart ;)
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3 brothers 92, 94 and 96 lived in the same house together.
One night the 96 year ran a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"
The 93 yell back, I don't know I will come up and see."
He starts up the stairs then he pauses and yells,
"Was I going up stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for luck
He then yells to his brothers, "I'll come out and help both of you
right after I see who's at the door."
One night the 96 year ran a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"
The 93 yell back, I don't know I will come up and see."
He starts up the stairs then he pauses and yells,
"Was I going up stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for luck
He then yells to his brothers, "I'll come out and help both of you
right after I see who's at the door."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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lol, good one 
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