Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Budweiser beer truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one, and I'm looking forward to more.
These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them. Speakin' of screwing,
where's Sally?
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report Given.
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Lush Chili Cookoff Results
Flutterby Pharie
LMAO!!
♥ Listen, touch, and look around in the air and on the ground. If you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wings. ♥
Active Ink Slinger
Too Funny Rocco!!!
Matriarch
I like that. It would be even funnier had I not had a stomach bug the last 2 days 
Sorry to hear it, Lush. Put your hand over that cook-off and take some of this. Doc Roc will make you feel better:
[URL=http://www.imagebam.com/image/01d51f2527074][IMG]http://thumbnails4.imagebam.com/253/01d51f2527074.gif[/IMG][/URL]
[URL=http://www.imagebam.com/image/01d51f2527074][IMG]http://thumbnails4.imagebam.com/253/01d51f2527074.gif[/IMG][/URL]
Matriarch
Quote by roccotool
Sorry to hear it, Lush. Put your hand over that cook-off and take some of this. Doc Roc will make you feel better:
[URL=http://www.imagebam.com/image/01d51f2527074][IMG]http://thumbnails4.imagebam.com/253/01d51f2527074.gif[/IMG][/URL]
Thanks doc roc, but I think I'll give that a miss - looks scarey.XbPcDoXKTGvdI6X5
Active Ink Slinger
I don't know how the judges do it - I can't feel my tongues after the first sample of that stuff. I guess they cover their tongues with wax or something 
Active Ink Slinger
In Texa then, you make wussy chili.
Sounds like you make my kind, but has a kick I can't take.
Bat
Sounds like you make my kind, but has a kick I can't take.
Bat
Active Ink Slinger
I make a lot of chili too. But with kids, it can't be too spicy. However, sometimes we make two stock pots of chili, one for the younger kids, and one for daring people, lol. I got a taste for spicy foods early on. My first step-dad used cayenne pepper on everything. I mean even canned corn and mashed potatoes. Now, I don't put pepper on everything, but if a dish is supposed to have some bite, I don't shy away. Plus, living in Korea for over a year, I became familiar with a bunch of new ways to liven things up.