One liners

18 Mar 2010

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

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18 Mar 2010

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

19 Mar 2010

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

19 Mar 2010

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

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19 Mar 2010

A plateau is a high form of flattery

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

19 Mar 2010

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

I poured spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

Making Do

This Old House

19 Mar 2010

"Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home."

20 Mar 2010

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Thousands of user submitted stories removed from the site. You are nothing without your users or their freely submitted stories.

20 Mar 2010

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

20 Mar 2010

Two lesbians and two gay guys leave Boston, heading down to Hilton Head, in separate vehicles. Who arrives first? The lesbians. They go a smooth 69 all the way, while the gay fellows are still packing their shit.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

20 Mar 2010

"I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!"

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

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