At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of
"Guilty with an explanation."
The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)
when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.
Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!
You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept
going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me .... half-naked with
part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between
glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorrrrry!'
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
Miss Sassy Pants
