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Horrible Advice for Talentless Authors
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Her Royal Spriteness
best way to get someone to read your story is by misspelling the title. you do that, people will be super interested in finding out what else you can't spell.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Troublemaker
Its important to spend more time on the most important elements of your story: title, tags and cover art. In order to plan your writing time effectively you should allot 30% of your time coming up with a clever title, 30% of your time coming up with whimsical and amusing tags and 50% of your time searching for just the right image to represent the atomic brilliance of your writing. With the remaining time you should write your story or just make a series of flash cards which will do the trick just fine.
To truly reach the heights of literary greatness its important to put the first letter of your story in the largest possible font; a good opening line always grabs the readers attention. I provide an example below:
nce upon a time there was a naughty little blonde girl.
To truly reach the heights of literary greatness its important to put the first letter of your story in the largest possible font; a good opening line always grabs the readers attention. I provide an example below:
nce upon a time there was a naughty little blonde girl. 
Force of Nature
Ladies and gentlemen, you are all missing the most important advice, which is to omit the sex altogether. Your stories will be quicker and easier to write if you set up the scene and leave the details to your reader's imagination. Just think how many more stories you will be able to write if you don't have to think of new names for, well, "his anaconda throbstick," to coin a phrase.
Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.
Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True
The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)
Quote by GraceW
Ladies and gentlemen, you are all missing the most important advice, which is to omit the sex altogether. Your stories will be quicker and easier to write if you set up the scene and leave the details to your reader's imagination. Just think how many more stories you will be able to write if you don't have to think of new names for, well, "his anaconda throbstick," to coin a phrase.
"anaconda throbstick " I'm having that!
important advice, which is to omit the sex altogether. Sounds like a plan.
Just done one without sex. Not a path I would advise if you are aiming for reader-count. But, yeah, thinking of new ways to write same-role-same-old is a real pain.
I might soon have to start reading more fellow Lush writers, trawl for new ways to phrase the rumpty-tumpty. "Steal like an artist!"
Quote by sprite
best way to get someone to read your story is by misspelling the title. you do that, people will be super interested in finding out what else you can't spell.
You may laugh but it's easily done. After spending hour after hour proofing the main body of my text, getting the computer to read it back to me, going over it again, changing it, having it read to me again, then only to find when eventually published that I have not noticed an abysmal typo in the one-liner — or tags.
HeHe. It's like that old punk band, The adverts. Pretty crap players when they began, but the guy who wrote the songs sure could put words and a tune together. I must look him up. See what became of him.
I wonder what we'll play for you tonight.
Something heavy or something light.
Something to set your soul alight.
I wonder how we'll answer when you say.
"We don't like you - go away"
"Come back when you've learned to play"
I wonder what we'll do when things go wrong.
When we're half-way through our favourite song.
We look up and the audience has gone.
Will we feel a little bit obscure.
Think "we're not needed here"
"we must be new wave - they'll like us next year"
The wonders don't care - we don't give a damn.
[img][/img]
Force of Nature
Quote by LucaByDesign
"anaconda throbstick " I'm having that!
You will need to credit julie_slink for it. You don't seriously think I would waste actual thought on terrible advice, do you?
Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.
Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True
The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by LucaByDesign
You may laugh but it's easily done. After spending hour after hour proofing the main body of my text, getting the computer to read it back to me, going over it again, changing it, having it read to me again, then only to find when eventually published that I have not noticed an abysmal typo in the one-liner — or tags.
i posted that out of actual personal experience, ya know.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Force of Nature
Quote by uhhuh
Removing the penis and testicles saves blood for your brain. It's an instant IQ boost.
Of course. That is why we are smarter than men.
Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.
Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True
The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)
Force of Nature
Quote by LucaByDesign
You may laugh but it's easily done. After spending hour after hour proofing the main body of my text, getting the computer to read it back to me, going over it again, changing it, having it read to me again, then only to find when eventually published that I have not noticed an abysmal typo in the one-liner — or tags.
I used to publish a daily ezine, title equals Title - issue number - Subtitle. The system would use my title as the file name. I used the previous issue as a template. Of course, I was expected to change the title._before_ posting so it had the right file name. I could edit the title, but all the world could tell I screwed it up initially.
Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.
Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True
The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)
As a recovering terrible writer now heading into consistent mediocrity - here is my advice for terrible writing:
Lavish your work with lots and lots of adjectives, makes sure that you complicate that sentences so much, it's like eating a rhino in one sitting.
Forget grammar, after all, who needs to think and breathe?
As a mediocre writer who isn't going to give up the day job:
Use simple sentences to build up the flow, longer ones to slow it down. Four sentence paragraphs, and only single out a sentence as a milestone to the story.
Next, learn the importance of the semi-colon and colon. Use the colon only when you have to direct the reader - so use it wisely.
Let the reader think for themselves; use their curiosity to take them down a certain path. Especially, if you want to haul them up with a nice surprise or twist in the tale.
Lavish your work with lots and lots of adjectives, makes sure that you complicate that sentences so much, it's like eating a rhino in one sitting.
Forget grammar, after all, who needs to think and breathe?
As a mediocre writer who isn't going to give up the day job:
Use simple sentences to build up the flow, longer ones to slow it down. Four sentence paragraphs, and only single out a sentence as a milestone to the story.
Next, learn the importance of the semi-colon and colon. Use the colon only when you have to direct the reader - so use it wisely.
Let the reader think for themselves; use their curiosity to take them down a certain path. Especially, if you want to haul them up with a nice surprise or twist in the tale.
Quote by GraceW
You will need to credit julie_slink for it. You don't seriously think I would waste actual thought on terrible advice, do you?
That was why I was so impressed with the utter crassness of the phrase — it seemed so not you.
And I'm sure you knew my response was ironic. I think it really is time I got to grips with emojis.
Quote by GraceW
I used to publish a daily ezine, title equals Title - issue number - Subtitle. The system would use my title as the file name. I used the previous issue as a template. Of course, I was expected to change the title._before_ posting so it had the right file name. I could edit the title, but all the world could tell I screwed it up initially.
Bummer. I bet you wanted to dig a hole and live in it for a week.
"the Great God (snicker)" - James 'Bear' Llewellyn
It's all very well talking about talentless authors, what about the talentless readers.
Tell me to punctuate properly and not to do run on sentences, break things into paragraphs, etc.
Are the readers of such low quality that they need to be told when to breathe or when the subject changes. I'm even tempted to drop quotation marks as the right calibre readers will be able to sort out when someone starts speaking.
itsallverywelltalkingabouttalentlessauthorswhataboutthetalentlessreaderstellmetopunctu
ateproperlyandnottodorunonsentencesbreakthingsintoparagraphsetcarethereadersofsuc
hlowqualitythattheyneedtobetoldwhentobreatheorwhenthesubjectchangesimeventempte
dtodropquotationmarksastherightcalibrereaderswillbeabletosortoutwhensomeonestartss
peaking
(I put the CR in to save the width, it was all about the quality)
It'd certainly save on the word count...
Tell me to punctuate properly and not to do run on sentences, break things into paragraphs, etc.
Are the readers of such low quality that they need to be told when to breathe or when the subject changes. I'm even tempted to drop quotation marks as the right calibre readers will be able to sort out when someone starts speaking.
itsallverywelltalkingabouttalentlessauthorswhataboutthetalentlessreaderstellmetopunctu
ateproperlyandnottodorunonsentencesbreakthingsintoparagraphsetcarethereadersofsuc
hlowqualitythattheyneedtobetoldwhentobreatheorwhenthesubjectchangesimeventempte
dtodropquotationmarksastherightcalibrereaderswillbeabletosortoutwhensomeonestartss
peaking
(I put the CR in to save the width, it was all about the quality)
It'd certainly save on the word count...
My latest offering -
Once more in Love Poems - My Forever Beauty
My 2 previous submissions:
Both Love Poems
Please read and enjoy. If you really enjoyed a story someone has written; how about clicking on 'Like' and/or 'Favorite'.
Why not leave a comment too?
"the Great God (snicker)" - James 'Bear' Llewellyn
Quote by LucaByDesign
<snip>
Just done one without sex. Not a path I would advise if you are aiming for reader-count. But, yeah, thinking of new ways to write same-role-same-old is a real pain.
<snip>
One lol, bless, that's cute.
Try chapter 13 before there's any penetration....
My latest offering -
Once more in Love Poems - My Forever Beauty
My 2 previous submissions:
Both Love Poems
Please read and enjoy. If you really enjoyed a story someone has written; how about clicking on 'Like' and/or 'Favorite'.
Why not leave a comment too?
Ungovernable
Gerunds. Start at least every other phrase with one, and never use fewer than three per line. Your readers can never get enough. 
Advanced Wordsmith
Here are some examples of famous writers who weren't the best at writing. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/grammar-rules_n_4768485
Read, write, and learn. The more you do each, the better you'll become. If you want more feedback, ask for it but be prepared to accept what you'll be told. IMHO, any good critique will include good and bad comments and suggestions.
Read, write, and learn. The more you do each, the better you'll become. If you want more feedback, ask for it but be prepared to accept what you'll be told. IMHO, any good critique will include good and bad comments and suggestions.
"Illegitimis non carborundum." Vinger Joe Stllwell
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
Ah, Model Client. The narrator mentions that the model of the title was claimed to be a 34D during the peak of her modelling career. Basically, he becomes the financial advisor to a model he used to have a crush on and they end up having a fling.
Quote by FirstBlush
Gerunds. Start at least every other phrase with one, and never use fewer than three per line. Your readers can never get enough.
"Gerund". A new word for my vocabulary, FB.
For yours and our entertainment, you should start a thread to see how many a person can slip into a twenty-word sentence.
My entry is below:
Opening partitioning doors, discovering you two fucking; harrowing, disturbing — yet amazing thinking back, imagining, reliving, wanking, groaning and cumming.
Just for clarity. Have I got it right: are all the ings in the above sentence gerunds?
Ungovernable
Quote by LucaByDesign
"Gerund". A new word for my vocabulary, FB.
For yours and our entertainment, you should start a thread to see how many a person can slip into a twenty-word sentence.
My entry is below:
Opening partitioning doors, discovering you two fucking; harrowing, disturbing — yet amazing thinking back, imagining, reliving, wanking, groaning and cumming.
Just for clarity. Have I got it right: are all the ings in the above sentence gerunds?
Even if some of them aren't, all I know is I need a cigarette after reading that. Cor, Luca. You even make gerund saturation palatable.
EDIT: Oh yeah, and by the way, you asked a trick question. Technically, it's not a complete sentence.
Testing The Waters.
Quote by Grandpa6
How can I save my stories to continue later.
I've never looked to see whether it's even possible on Lush, but I would recommend against it. Depending upon anybody else's server as the sole place your work is stored is just asking to lose it. Save your work on a system you control, and back it up in at least one way beyond your normal save document. I personally have auto-save on, which keeps a backup of whatever I'm actively working on. I also regularly back up my WIPs to a removable drive. On top of that, I have an automated online backup service.
There is nothing more frustrating than having something you've put hours of work into vanish without a trace, forcing you to recreate it from memory.
If you can't keep your in-progress stories on your personal system, that's a whole other ball-o-wax.
Good Will ---|--- Three Alarm <= Both almost famous, give them a read and get them one step closer!