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shindigbobby
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2011 2:53:03 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 10/12/2010
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,

I'm new to writing and I submitted a story for the first time last week.

I would be very grateful for feedback and tips for improving, like was there enough sex, was there too much build up etc, as I have lots more experiences with my wife I'd like to share.

Thanks

Bob
Michael
Posted: Saturday, November 26, 2011 8:24:29 PM

Rank: Author

Joined: 10/22/2011
Posts: 2,006
Location: Somewhere with Sun and Sea, United States
Hi Bob,
I thought it was a a great story, imaginative plot and the right quantity of sex.

What might I change?

Shorten the title, to something catchy like "Prove it to Me"

With Sarah we have her dialog and what you observed. Add your dialog as well.

Move your explanation to Sarah regarding your desire for a girl who is "Not Nice" to precede the strip poker episode to justify her actions that night.

Add more detail to the sex, how it felt, the sensations, taste, etc. We have five senses and all contribute to the sexual experience.

Minimize the use of the word "Said" using synonyms...
http://www.cyberspaces.net/6traits/wsaid.html

But, I am just another hack so if you liked my thoughts, then great, if not, don't be offended. Editing someones else's writing is much easier than editing your own. I always miss items...

Welcome to the scary side of Lush,
Michael

DLizze
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011 12:47:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,569
I agree with FtLMale, in that I'd like to see more dialogue, and I would have tried to think of a shorter title. I tend to like titles that hint to the story. In this case, I might have titled it Sarah: A Nice Girl, or perhaps just Nice Girl

I also think had I been writing this, the "real me" would have asked her not to fuck the roomie. That, of course would have shown to her that, his protestations notwithstanding, he really DOES want a relationship. I guess what I am looking for is more emphasis on the emotional side, and the approach/avoidance agnst we all feel when entering into a new possible reltionship.

I really liked her initial reaction, thinking he had misread her, and her anger. I thought that was well done, and a good touch of realism. So on the question of when to introduce the idea to Sarah that she is not kinky enough, I disagree with FtLMale. I think it is better to have the desire for a "not nice" girl occur later in the story - otherwise, there'd be no reason for her surprise and anger.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Michael
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011 1:04:00 PM

Rank: Author

Joined: 10/22/2011
Posts: 2,006
Location: Somewhere with Sun and Sea, United States
I agree with DLizze, the "Real Me" would have stopped her short of sex with others, but thats just because DLizze and I are jealous bastards ;)

And so in the end, the writer makes the decisions. Ten different writers could observe the same event, pen it, and their stories would each be different.

DLizze
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011 3:39:08 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,569
FtLMale wrote:
I agree with DLizze, the "Real Me" would have stopped her short of sex with others, but thats just because DLizze and I are jealous bastards ;)

And so in the end, the writer makes the decisions. Ten different writers could observe the same event, pen it, and their stories would each be different.

Actually, as I was reading it, (And putting myself in "real Me's" place) I felt pain, and self-pity more than jealousy. I might have felt jealousy if she either had enjoyed it less, or if she showed any real caring for her fuck buddy; though I doubt it. I tend to turn jealous impulses inward, and self-berate. As it was, I felt more a sense of longing, and maybe a little inadequacy.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Michael
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011 3:58:46 PM

Rank: Author

Joined: 10/22/2011
Posts: 2,006
Location: Somewhere with Sun and Sea, United States
DLizze, you are much more open about your inner feelings than most of us are able to be. I hide behind my Doppelgänger.

DLizze
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011 5:04:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,569
To mangle a quote, 'twas not ever thus. It took me many years and four ruined relationships to come to grips with accepting my feelings, giving them the validity they deserve, and expressing them to others. Because I have learned to do that, I am more attuned to the feelings of others. I now like myself much better than I used to.

I like to say humorously, "I lived through the ninties, and found the woman in me. She is a lesbian," but that really falls into the category of "true words oft spoken in jest".

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
shindigbobby
Posted: Wednesday, November 30, 2011 2:32:56 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 10/12/2010
Posts: 2
Thanks for the feedback guys and thanks for the honesty.

I'll keep them in mind when I come to writing my next one.

Bob
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