First off I'd like a disclaimer that yes I want peoples input/advice, but PLZ reign in the hate please, I don't need to be called an idiot or the girl a slut etc.
Now that that's out of the way here's my issue. For what ever reason I started a relationship with this girl (online/phone i'll admit) and it was non-exclusive. Initially it was fine, we chatted had fun (no I wasn't getting laid) and now things have gotten more serious, we talk even more, help each other when something is wrong, cried, tell each other I love you regularly its great. But there's another guy involved... I've brought it up, what would you need from me to make us exclusive and she says she doesn't know, that he's her bf too and she loves him. Thing is he's also emotionally abusive and an ass despite the fact that he's a muscled pretty boy. If there's something I left out let me know but how do I get her to be with Me without giving an ultimatum?
I'm sorry you are part of this.
I had a former friend who was in this situation of being with an abusive person. I was her call to when her partner was abusive to her.
However when I chatted with her things seemed fine when the partner was around. When the partner wasn't around she would spill out on the things her partner said or did.
It got draining for me as I had to give advice then it started to get harder with the girl wanting me to come see her nearly everyday (we lived two hours apart) and it started to cause disruptions between fiance and I.
Finally I let her go. It was hard but I had to focus on myself and fiance.
With you I think we both know she isn't going to leave her boyfriend. I begged my friend to leave her partner but she wouldn't as she used the terms "Where am I going to go?" as an excuse.
All I can say start distancing yourself from this girl. I know you are in love with her but really look at reality. You both haven't met and you are just a shoulder to cry on.
"Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken."
Simone de Beauvoir
I've been in an emotionally/mentally/physically abusive relationship.
And I didn't tell other guys what was going on. NOR did I carry on a virtual relationship on the side. That's just asking for trouble with someone that's abusive.
Now I'm not everyone else, but I think she's playing you. You seem to fulfill her need for drama and to get a sympathetic ear.
If she was serious about how much she loved her bf, no matter how emotionally abusive he was, she wouldn't be talking with you.
I, personally, think you can do better than to get hung up on a girl that could very well be crying wolf and isn't going to leave her boyfriend.
I strongly suggest you move on to a flesh and blood girl, cause it sounds like this one is stringing you along.
I could be wrong, but from the little info you've provided I think she's a drama queen looking for attention and not valid help.
Good luck!
You mention your relationship is online/phone - has it proceeded to real life interaction or are there concrete plans to do so? If it hasn't, then I can't imagine she's going to leave her BF to become exclusive with someone she hasn't met yet. Real life chemistry is so important, and right now you are probably more of a safe harbour or fantasy in her mind to help her endure the ongoing issues with her boyfriend.
I have a strong feeling that it's going to be hard for her to let this guy go until she's really ready or until the relationship has hit rock bottom. This is coming from a girl that wasted a few years with an 'emotionally abusive/asshole muscled pretty boy' as well. lol Chances are very good that the relationship isn't all bad but that you're hearing mostly the negatives so that she can justify her relationship with you on the side. These guys are usually very charming and fun - it's a relationship of highs and lows. Even in her worst moments with this guy, she will inevitably start reflecting on the relationship and remember his good qualities and the guy she 'knows he could be' and then he pushes the right buttons and bam - she's pulled back in. She might be looking at him as a long-term project - thinking yes, he can be an ass right now, but once he 'matures' and settles down a bit, he'll change. Faulty thinking, yes, but it's amazing what kind of logic you end up using when you're in that situation and really want things to work.
You are being emotionally supportive and listening to her problems and being the 'good guy' in all this and there's no doubt you're important to her life. But... without having met her, and without really understanding the nature of her relationship with her BF, I can't see this leading to anything exclusive for you. My advice would be to enjoy it for what it is, and not get too emotionally attached and look at other options in the meantime.
I have a few questions. Your online relationship you said has gotten more serious but what exactly does that mean? Has it become a cyber sexual relationship or just chat and sharing your lives? Have you talked about hooking up IRL?
The other guy her BF, Is he a real life BF or online also?
If he is IRL which is what I assume, then I think she just tells you the worst of that relationship but she is pretty happy with him and has no intention of leaving him at this time. And you are a nice guy who she really likes and cares for but maybe you have slipped into the "friend zone".
I really dont see you becoming exclusive with her anytime soon. Sorry about that!!
You also said he was "emotionally abusive and a total ass despite being muscled pretty boy". What does one have to do with the other? Based on my experience there is a better chance he would be a conceited ass if he is a pretty boy, not despite that fact. Just curious about your take on this
OK apparently i wasn't clear, both of us are 'online bfs' he's just closer than me, and there are plans i just had to postpone due to school and money etc. He's seeing her early next month and I'll see her hopefully in Feb. But he's like the dom type ordering spankings, she cant do this or that, oh you broke a rule im not talking to you for X days etc.
Ok so you're the online nice guy and he's the online bad boy - sounds like she's getting the best of both worlds. Why on earth would she want to spoil that by offering exclusivity to either of you?
In reality, exclusivity online is pretty much a fast-track to some very, very bitter disappointment: be sure you really know what you want.
Yes, I'm sure you'll get some people saying "I have very a successful exclusive online relationship with blah, blah, blah and we live in magical luvey pixie land - we write romantic joint stories... blah, blah, blah" - and any other amount of low-grade horseshit. The sad fact is that most exclusive online relationships soon end up with one person getting shat upon when they find out the other has exclusivity with about half a dozen other people or has about four other accounts.
You want her? Man up.
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Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber I concur with overmykneenow... Don't do exclusive and don't do "I love you's" if you only know each other online.
Even if you meet her, it sounds like you live in different cities, so unless one of you relocates, it's not going to be a permanent thing. I don't think it's fair to either of you, especially if you start thinking of being 'exclusive' in real life. You both need to date people in real life or at least have some friends-with-benefits or fuckbuddies on speed dial until you make the real move of taking things into real life on at least a semi-regular basis.
If you're both online, it sounds like she's just having fun and is doing the equivalent of 'casual dating' but in an online environment.
It's also harder to know what 'exclusive' means online. You can really go on the person's word but if there's no agreement on this or trust, it's pretty easy to do whatever you want online and never get caught.
I also agree with overmykneenow. Sounds like she has the best of both worlds and probably has no desire to change that. Online exclusivity is a tricky thing. I know some people have had online relationships turn into very happy and succesful IRL relationships and even marriage but in most cases online line relationships are fantasies. It is someones way of having fun and being the person you want to be without having to make a real commitment to any one person
I know of course there are exceptions.
I got a bet confused when the OP responded. This chick just loves online boyfriends and thrives from the attention it doesn't matter if it is good or bad.
I honestly would let this chick go. She is just using you for attention and getting off on it. Why don't you go and meet a nice girl in real life there is plenty out there.
"Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken."
Simone de Beauvoir
If you ask me, whoever she was with first is who she is going to stay with.. That's just the way it is. I know first hand.
