Quote by stephanie


Okay, People...

PERSPECTIVE...

(A YOUNG member bares his soul. Whom of US was cool at 20??? Not me, for sure...)

The key word here is ATTRACTIVE.

I bat WAY FUCKING WAY outside the park, and always have. I am NOT a good-looking guy, never have been. (Evidence available on this site!!!) But I AM ATTRACTIVE... Why?

Well, I'm basically a good guy. I'm VERY VERY funny. I'm quite smart. I have opinions I can talk about. I'm kind and I care for others. I'm TALENTED in a way that others seem impressed by. (I think it's just shit I do...) I have a certain style that, to be honest, puts some people off. But I carry it. (I am BEYOND insecure...) But that don't PLAY in the real world so you adapt... I, (and this is REALLY IMPORTANT!!!) love women. My best friends, (with a few exceptions...) are women. I'm in my 50s NOW, but I've always been FASCINATED and pleased by females. I AM NOT IN ANY WAY a "man's man"... (I know FUCK ALL about cars, GOLF or FOOTBALL or MEN STUFF!!!!) I can talk about nail varnish for hours...

I'm NOT the straightest guy in the world, but I'm straight. (?)

I'm not HALF as confident as I PRETEND. (But I pretend very well...) And this is interesting, 'cos where is THAT LINE, from SEEMING confident to BEING confident? (Fucked if I know...) But WOMEN value confidence above EVERY OTHER TRAIT in a man! (NOT arrogance, as someone said above, but a quiet self-assuredness...)

We all are unsure about a lot of things. About others, about ourselves indeed. There are NO PAT ANSWERS. Except ONE...

"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE..."

I think it was VERY BRAVE of this young man to talk about his issue in public. He spoke HONESTLY, perhaps too honestly, but I think he sounds like a nice-if-perplexed young man.

I wish him well.

xx STEPH

Nicola: "Since WHEN are YOU nice???"

Me: "Fuck You. I'm cunting nice..."

Quote by SereneProdigy


Well, the thing is this: what exactly prevents a handsome man from being confident, fun and interesting himself too? And in the case of a gorgeous woman who gets approached by dozens of different men on a daily basis, why exactly would she choose an average-looking guy with an 'interesting personality' when she can easily pick up an handsome man whose personality is just as interesting? Get real people, attractive women won't become 'magically charmed' simply because you're a decent guy that can hold their attention in a casual conversation: they'll still have dozens of other males they can compare you to in their previous encounters. There's a strong competition in seduction.

Here's an analogy with the height of hockey players. Sure, height isn't the sole factor that will determine the talents of a hockey player, but it's still a determinant factor. You could get in a similar naive line of thinking and say: "Height isn't significant whatsoever! If you have good skills, a sharp mind and are good at reading the game, any team will sign you up!". But the reality is that plenty of players across the world have good skills, a sharp mind and are good at reading the game. What becomes the discriminating factor then? Height and physicality (the average height of NHL players is around 6'1"-6'2", just so you know). Hell, you could motivate an aspiring 5'9" player that has good skills and tell him that height really isn't all that important (just like some people are doing here concerning looks), but the reality is that hundreds of other men will be competing against him for the same position, and that players with an average height of 5'8"-5'10" are a very thin minority in hockey leagues.

And here's another thing: interestingness, pleasantness and humor are all very good qualities, but up to a point what will get you to have sex with women is (surprise)... sex-appeal. Because frankly, you can be interesting and fun all you want, if that doesn't work toward your overall level of sexiness, you're just going to end being good friends with attractive women. Sure, these women will want you around, but why exactly would they feel the need to sleep with you when your qualities are already being fully offered to them in any friendly conversation?

That will be another subject for another time, but what will really provoke the most sex-appeal in men is their status (confidence is simply an indication of self-perceived status, in my forthright opinion). And honestly, according to my own experiences your outward appearance will have a prime role concerning the status that others will grant you. Just think about how other males gather around the tall/strong/handsome male in any group of males, and how they grant him an 'alpha' status: even before he'll approach women, that man will have a powerful status going on about him.

Quote by ManofAdventure


*Yawn*.....the above is nonsense that self proclaimed "nice guys" spew. The fact is, you're not really interested in talking to these women as a means to getting to know them or just having a fun conversation...you're only interested in where the talking gets you. Hence, you get no results because women know when a guy isn't truly interested in them. Of course, I also haven't ruled out the fact that you're REALLY boring.....hope that helps.

Quote by tiemeuptiemedown


Good advice from Dani. My rule of thumb has always been to be polite and respectful when you're approached, but it's also how you approach people. For me, if I get a good vibe off someone and if I feel comfortable, I'll chat with you, and if I don't, I will quickly excuse myself. You said you are being forced to make changes because of something that happened to you. Change to improve yourself, not who you are.

Quote by Metilda
I say that women who spend time on their appearance and have standards want men who have the same values.

Your mental approach - the very core of what's driving you forward - is the exact opposite of how they're looking at things.

Quote by Metilda
They smell desperation and get it all the time.

There's no where for it to go. They're not going to be all over you if you just change your hairstyle. Why are you looking at it so superficially?

When was the last time you approached a women because you actually LIKED her other than 'she's hot'. Seems like you're just wanting a hot quick lay, not a relationship.

The average guys who have hot chick's for wives - it wasn't necessarily physical attraction that drew them together. Gaurantee you they have something in common and see eye to eye on things.

Other than shallow desperation and the desire to be a player - what ARE you bringing into any potential relationship?

Quote by overmykneenow
If you're not hitting on them why does it even matter what they look like?

They will assume you're hitting on them because that's what men do. Women have to be guarded with what signals they give out, especially to people they don't know. All too often a woman who doesn't reciprocate an advance will be subjected to verbal abuse.

Being introduced to someone is far better than just starting a conversation cold. If that's your only strategy for meeting people you're going to having be prepared to take plenty of knock backs. If you want women as friends, develop friendships with men who have female friends. Introductions do a huge amount to instil trust and confidence - after that all you have to do is not be an asshole.

Quote by JohnSmith10


Have you tried letting the women come to you rather than you going to them?

Quote by SereneProdigy
So, attractive women are shallow because they seek attractive men, and yet you only approach attractive women yourself? This is pretty much what your title and your post are telling us. If I may ask, how does that make you any less shallow than they are?

Dani gave you some nice advices, but I'll add my own perspective...

The way I see it, in love/dating/relationships a lot of it has to do with accepting and loving your own self. When you're in love with someone and it's reciprocated, an important part of the fulfillment is the pride of realizing who you can manage to attract: "Wow, I can attract a smart and gorgeous lady! I must be a great person myself!". This might sound very selfish, but just about everybody is like that: there's a great deal of self-directed love in relationships, in my very honest opinion.

Now if you keep seeking women that are more beautiful, intelligent, educated and entertaining than you are, it kinda hints to the fact that you're not really satisfied with your own person: how about dating a woman that's your equal? would you be satisfied with that?

Like attracts like, there's no way around it. Why would a gorgeous woman bother with an average looking guy when she can easily attract dozens of handsome males that are just as intelligent and entertaining as he is? Why would a successful guy bother with a girl that has absolutely no ambitions in life? There might be rare exceptions to this and sometimes the 'whole package' will be considered more than individual qualities, but generally speaking this is quite accurate of how things are.

So, here are your options:

1- You keep seeking partners that are out of your range and stay in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction

2- You accept the fact that you're not all that good-looking and date women that are in your range (and therefore finally accept your own baggage of qualities/flaws)

3- You work on yourself. You want to date attractive women? Be attractive yourself. You want to date interesting women? Be interesting yourself. And so on and so forth.

Quote by dpw
I get the feeling that you might be trying too hard. Just be natural, be yourself, and above all lighten up a bit.
If they get the idea that you are just trying to hit on them they'll not want to know. That's not just what you say, it's how you say it, how you approach them, your demeanour. There's a fine line between being friendly and being pushy.
You can change your look, but it won't make a difference if you approach is wrong.

Quote by Dani


I'm not a guy but I thought I'd butt in anyway. Just wanted to make a few points.

Yes, physical attraction is important. It's the first thing anyone has to go on. How important it is varies among women (and people in general). The point is, it has to be there. However, unappealing people are entering relationships as well as getting laid every single day. So your lack of luck with the ladies may involve more than just your looks.

You say that women don't put in any effort to talk to you. Well, do you have anything interesting to say apart from the usual mundane small talk? And how are you in your approach? Do you impose yourself? Or do you keep going despite social cues that a woman isn't interested in talking to you? Body language is important. If she tenses up, that should be enough to know not to even attempt a conversation.

Yes, it can be rude and off putting, but sometimes being short and sweet is better than engaging only to later be accused of leading a guy on. Most women know when a guy is interested, and if the feeling isn't mutual, we try to get out of it before the inevitable happens.

Side Question: The women that you're attempting to talk to, are they attractive? And if so, why haven't you attempted to talk to unattractive or slightly less attractive women?

Quote by JohnSmith10
The generic answer would be that if those women don't deserve you at your worst, they certainly don't deserve you at your best.

I guess my advice would be don't be so desperate to find someone immediately. Give it time and you'll find one another!

Quote by avrgblkgrl
I really love words and that one is a powerful one. Like many rather raw words, it's all in how it's being used and who is using it.

I ran across an Urban Dictionary definition once, and there were many. One said that it was a woman with the same attitude that a man has toward sex. Another was that it's what some guy calls a girl when she's having sex with everyone except him. And then finally, it's how a female refers to another female that's sleeping with the guy she wished she had. I found these all very amusing because they do denote a certain amount of power. To really enjoy sex, I recommend getting in touch with your inner slut, not to say that would mean that you would just fuck anybody and everybody though. It doesn't have to mean that.

I enjoy the usage during certain types of play with my lover, as in I'm going to be "your" little slut right now. Forget the foreplay, it's not necessary. I want to feel good and make you feel good, right now. Fantasy level kind of stuff. We are about to put the Fuck in Sex and I'm taking the lead. I'm in control of the word. Even if it's flung at me, I'm still in control of it.