Quote by Dancing_Doll


Oh... well, yeah... if we're talking practical reasons I suck at relationships - I have a lot of 'stuff', I hog the bathroom, my drawers aren't all neatly folded and I hate cooking.

Thank god I'm good at fucking, otherwise probably no guy would want to bother with me at all.

Quote by VirginalViet
Well my mom does yoga at least 3 times a week. She usually wears a G-string to class. When we wear them outside it's either a G-string or nothing. I mean regular panties just don't work. Yup it's true, if your ass is nice guys just drool for yogas. Do most of you girls wear Lulu, or is there a better brand?

Quote by Dani
Why are these the only options? What about a nice trim? Or a landing strip and other kinds of scaping?

Quote by TexDrifter


Dear Centerpiece,

Thanks for your call. I would apologize for taking so long to answer, but you fucked up and forgot to quote a “next caller” post, so fuck you…no apology needed. I know it’s your first time on the show, so I’ll be gentle.

The simple answer to your simple-minded question is no. Texas is a huge state that is diverse in everything from geography to culture to economics to technology. We export everything from agricultural products like cotton, beef, and soybeans to industrial goods including oil, natural gas, and all kinds of refined crude oil products (fuck hybrid cars, we dig the gas guzzlers). We’re even pretty high tech for a buncha cowboys. Ever heard of NASA? Houston ain’t just the radio call sign of the astronauts home base…it’s also the actual location.

Texas has a very diverse population as well. People of almost every race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and creed come from Texas. I could quote a buncha boring-assed statistics, but that would require research and you really ain’t worth the fuckin’ trouble, Hun. Not to mention, we both know none of this really answers your lil’ ol’ question, does it?

What you wanna know is if the line from all those old war movies is true. You know the one. Some crusty old drill sergeant asks some new recruit where he’s from and the recruit says, “Texas.”

The drill sergeant then gets in the terrified recruits face and screams, “Only two things come from Texas, that’s steers and queers, and I don’t see no horns on you, boy!!!” Thus implying that the young man is either a hornless steer (a steer is a bull that has been castrated for all you city folk) or that he is gay. Either way, it’s meant to challenge the poor kid to either stand up for himself and be immediately beat down, or cower away and be beat down for being a coward. Fuckin’ drill sergeants.

Anyway, the answer to your lame-assed question is still no. How fuckin’ retarded are you? It would be ridiculous to think that only castrated or gay men came from Texas.

I know…that was a little harsh. Not your fault. It’s all those fuckin’ war movies. Which begs the real question here…What’s a chick doing watching war movies with enough interest to memorize silly little lines like that one? Hmmm?

I have a theory (you knew I would). Wanna hear it? Too fuckin’ bad, I had to sit here and answer this bullshit so you’re gonna fuckin’ well listen. See, I doubt very seriously you served in the military. You just don’t look butchy enough. So, that only really leaves one explanation as to why you’re quoting ‘Full Metal Jacket’ instead of ‘Jerry McGuire’ or ‘P.S. I Love You’ or some other boring, sappy-as-fuck chick flick.

I’m guessing you spent your sexually formative years strummin’ your little nub to war movies because of deep-seeded Daddy issues. You didn’t get the masculine attention you needed from your dear old Dad, so you looked to the big screen to fill that macho void in your life.

Probably started innocently enough, but by the time you reached your late teens and early twenties, you were imagining sweaty platoons of men popping off different kinds of explosions deep in your jungle. By the time you discovered real porn, you were too set in your ways to change. The only thing that got you going was large groups of filthy, animalistic, soldiers with thousand yard stares and sweat-glistening muscles.

But then the movies wouldn’t do it for ya any more either, would they Darlin’? You needed something real. Something tangible. Something that gave you more of a charge than IMAGINING a filthy, sweaty, primal gang-bang. You needed to FEEL it. But with no military bases in sight, what could a girl possibly do?

That’s right. Homeless drifters. Hippies. Hoboes. Carnies. Basically any group of more than five disgustingly dirty guys that you could coax into the shadows for a train ride. All that really mattered was the foul, overwhelming stench of unwashed male flesh and being the object of their full attention (even while they stood in line for their turn).

Ironic thing is that during all the time you’ve spent as the pivot point for vagrant circle-jerks there’s no telling how much Texas crude has painted your face, filled your tank, or lubed your colon. Hell, you’ve prolly been hollowed out by enough Texas long horns to get an honorary degree from UT and don’t even know it. Life’s funny. Ever had the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue? I’d be willing to bet you have. Tip of your tongue, down your throat, up your…well, you get the point.

What I’m saying is this: Any slut that’s been passed around like you have couldn’t possibly have made it through all those tag-team matches without answering this question on her own. Just by sheer law of averages there had to be at least ten or twenty Texans blow a load in you, thus proving to be neither a steer, nor gay.

So, there is only one explanation for the question in the first place. You’re just fuckin’ with me to get on air aren’t you?...Clever girl. Gonna have to keep my eye on you! I get that you have stars in your eyes, but the problem is, I don’t really have enough listeners to even scare up a decent warm-up for the gang-bangs you’re accustomed to. Sorry, Doll, but you’re gonna have to keep working the bukkake porn shoots if you really want your fifteen minutes of fame (more like three minutes cuz everyone just fast forwards to the money shots).

Speaking of the porn set, sorry about the vinyl couch in the green room. Lucky we had enough extras around to peel you off of it. Maybe rinse off before ya stop by next time? You’ll be less sticky and I’m hoping you won’t stink the place up with the scent of cheap, vanilla perfume and stale jizz. We try to run a classy operation down there so try to clean yourself up and show a little respect.

Well, I hope this answered your stupid fuckin’ question, maybe opened your eyes a little, and shed some light on some of the “why’s” you’ve often wondered about; but had too much funky, cheesy cock in your throat to really spend much time pondering the answers. Good luck with the anal retreading. Hope it lasts a little longer than six months this time. And, as always, thanks for playing along.

XXXOOO
Tex