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TonyaL
1 month ago
Straight Female, 49
United States
Forum
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Snake Charmera
Quote by trinket
I wish Tonya would find a new avatar. That one is bugging me for some reason lol. I got lots to choose from if you feel like a change.
I got this from a friend am looking for a new one though
I wish you could watch trink and adi and whatever other lady joins them have lots of fun.
Snake Charmera
Quote by sweetsinner
Tonya, thank you for sharing here.
I empathise with your motherly guilt... but I try to remember we do the best we can, with what we can at the time.
You are brave, you are strong, and you are worthy. Keep on fighting xx
Thank you for your kind words and for reading my story. I know I have much more to say in this life. I will always feel guilty about my boys. Especially my oldest as I made the decision to be with this man and he didn't have a say in that. I could have made better decisions but I could beat myself up all day with what it's and I have many days.
Snake Charmera
Quote by kiera
Hi Tonya
Thank you for sharing with us and welcome.
I just read this and want to say more, but sadly I have an appointment so I don't have the time right now.
For now, I just wanted to give you a hug.
Your marriage sounds pretty unhealthy, mine was like that, my first marriage but he was unfortunately extremely violent too...he didn't love me, maybe he did in the beginning but then he learned he could frighten me and hurt me and yeah I get what you mean because the bruises will heal but the mental abuse can last forever, I still have trouble sleeping most days.
To have someone you care about, who is supposed to love and protect you violate and abuse you is just not something that is ever going to go away, but you can come here, on those nights when the last thing you want to do is close your eyes because you know what is going to happen. I still wake up screaming sometimes fighting off my covers because I am dreaming and reliving it all, so I totally get the no sleeping....I think sometimes that is our greatest enemy, it is mine sometimes and I fear it sometimes.
I am really sorry about your sons, I am not really sure how to respond to that except to say my heart ached to read it because as a mother, I cannot think of anything worse than harm coming to my children, if they wanted to harm themselves then I know I would completely blame myself for that regardless of the reason why so I am sending you hugs and love and prayers for the strength to help them through this, which I know you have, we are all strong, we are survivors.
I do have to go now, I will get in touch soon ok.
Love
Kiera zo
Thank you very much. I am grateful to have found this community and to have the people who are there for me. The betrayal of trust started at such a young age (my first real memory was at age 7) that I have never felt truly worthy of more. All of the men I had ever attracted have many issues of their own. I even went through a promiscuous period where I just wanted to feel anything. Now I feel sometimes too much but it's still not numb.
My boys I will always be here and always worry and know I did this. I let them see the way I was treated and allowed them to be. I pray my daughter never sees any of this. She was my eye opener. She is my life. 2 years ago my angel was born and I haven't looked at anything the same. She is my reason for waking up each day.
I am here for anyone that may need an ear or a hug. Anything at all. Hugs and I love your tattoos
Snake Charmera
Quote by sprite
xo
rachel
Thank you Rachel. I should say that now my husband is going through his own depression and it's hard for me to sympathize with him. I know that makes me a bad person but I think of all the years he made me feel less and put me down. All those things that contributed to my selfworth and how he would tell me to just be happy. You have no reason to be depressed. Those things are imbedded in me. I am always here to listen and won't do anything drastic while he is this way but I do not know what the cutie will hold for us.
As for my son's I will always feel I didn't do enough to.protect them from what was happening around them. I pray they are able to continue to move forward and know I am always here for them.
I am thankful to each of you and to know when I am wide awake at 2 in the morning there is someone here to talk to.
Snake Charmera
I have been reading this thread all day since I found it through a post. Everything I've read has been so heartfelt. The strength of each of you is absolutely amazing. I've shared my story with a few people here and only a couple understood. They are my dear friends for life. I struggle every single day with depression anxiety ptsd. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. My bad days can be quite overwhelming to people that know me. The life I live has brought me to lush. My past has made me a survivor.
When I was 19 I was away in the Navy free for the first time since I was a very young girl. You'd think I would be the happiest person in the world. Instead I was living a lie. People saw only what I wanted them to see. I was always upbeat and caring and fun on the outside. On the inside I was dying every day. The flashbacks the triggers having to explain to a boyfriend why he couldn't touch me when I was asleep. The disgust the look of sympathy the how could you allow that to happen. I heard it all from so many people didn't want to talk about it didn't want to tell anyone. I stopped eating and sleep was near non-existent. I stood every watch I could. My favorites were anything that would keep me awake during the overnight hours. One night I was free and I had enough. no-one would listen to me. My family either hates me or doesn't believe me. I decided I was done. I couldn't take anymore. The pills went down easy and I then went out to the bar and drank myself silly. Luckily I woke up and was put in the hospital. My shipmates chose to give up their time and do suicide watch so I didn't have to have strangers. Looking them in the eye and telling them who did this to me was the hardest thing ever. How do you tell someone it was the man who was supposed to be your everything. The protector. Worse yet was the questions. How old were you? How could this happen? So many more but those are the big ones. Then you answer the questions and no-one looks at you the same.
I am not the person I want to be as none of us can be. I--neen through a lot of therapy to be able to share this with you today. I've been on meds and self medicated and have contemplated doing it right. For me my children keep me going everyday. The fight is real for all of us. There is no magic cure or a way to just wake up and say today I am going to get rid of this disease I don't want it anymore. It just doesn't work that way. My PTSD can put me in a very bad place. When I go there I pray for the right people to help me come back. I've found that here. As i continue to survive I know I will do what I can to be here for my children. I know the decisions I have made have not been the best and will continue to contribute to my depression. My marriage is toxic to say the least. I know things can be so.much worse but still this is all part of me. My husband is possessive controling and jealous. He has been emotionally abusive for over half of my marriage. My self esteem was already bad by the time I came here it was non-existent. He never hit me but there were times I wish he did. It would hurt less. He told me what I couldn't wear. How to do my hair. Who I could talk to. His temper can be very bad and he blows up for no reason. I walk around on eggshells most days never knowing his mood. There are days I can't take anymore and I have to force myself to continue. I've had the bottle in my hand and wanted to just be done. I will break down and cry for days wondering why I am not worthy of love. Real love. I know my dear friend here is going to tell me I am wrong when he reads this but it is still here to feel like I am worth anything. The three people who should be everything to a person I mean nothing too. My father left me when I was young my stepfather well you read the above and my husband well he loves me in his way but not a very healthy way.
This community all of you sharing your story the support here. The people who have touched my heart all of you help me get through another day. The semicolon is a pause and this is not the end of my story. I know I am a survivor.
My oldest son just got aaemicolon tattoo. Learning that he has tried to end his precious life was so hard for me as a mom. Knowing I've failed him is hard. The what it's are always there. I've recently learned my younger son also has feelings of worthlessness and that he has thought about it. This scares me for both of them.
Thank you Sprite for sharing your story and starting thread. Hugs for all of you who need it. Thank you all for sharing something so personal.
When I was 19 I was away in the Navy free for the first time since I was a very young girl. You'd think I would be the happiest person in the world. Instead I was living a lie. People saw only what I wanted them to see. I was always upbeat and caring and fun on the outside. On the inside I was dying every day. The flashbacks the triggers having to explain to a boyfriend why he couldn't touch me when I was asleep. The disgust the look of sympathy the how could you allow that to happen. I heard it all from so many people didn't want to talk about it didn't want to tell anyone. I stopped eating and sleep was near non-existent. I stood every watch I could. My favorites were anything that would keep me awake during the overnight hours. One night I was free and I had enough. no-one would listen to me. My family either hates me or doesn't believe me. I decided I was done. I couldn't take anymore. The pills went down easy and I then went out to the bar and drank myself silly. Luckily I woke up and was put in the hospital. My shipmates chose to give up their time and do suicide watch so I didn't have to have strangers. Looking them in the eye and telling them who did this to me was the hardest thing ever. How do you tell someone it was the man who was supposed to be your everything. The protector. Worse yet was the questions. How old were you? How could this happen? So many more but those are the big ones. Then you answer the questions and no-one looks at you the same.
I am not the person I want to be as none of us can be. I--neen through a lot of therapy to be able to share this with you today. I've been on meds and self medicated and have contemplated doing it right. For me my children keep me going everyday. The fight is real for all of us. There is no magic cure or a way to just wake up and say today I am going to get rid of this disease I don't want it anymore. It just doesn't work that way. My PTSD can put me in a very bad place. When I go there I pray for the right people to help me come back. I've found that here. As i continue to survive I know I will do what I can to be here for my children. I know the decisions I have made have not been the best and will continue to contribute to my depression. My marriage is toxic to say the least. I know things can be so.much worse but still this is all part of me. My husband is possessive controling and jealous. He has been emotionally abusive for over half of my marriage. My self esteem was already bad by the time I came here it was non-existent. He never hit me but there were times I wish he did. It would hurt less. He told me what I couldn't wear. How to do my hair. Who I could talk to. His temper can be very bad and he blows up for no reason. I walk around on eggshells most days never knowing his mood. There are days I can't take anymore and I have to force myself to continue. I've had the bottle in my hand and wanted to just be done. I will break down and cry for days wondering why I am not worthy of love. Real love. I know my dear friend here is going to tell me I am wrong when he reads this but it is still here to feel like I am worth anything. The three people who should be everything to a person I mean nothing too. My father left me when I was young my stepfather well you read the above and my husband well he loves me in his way but not a very healthy way.
This community all of you sharing your story the support here. The people who have touched my heart all of you help me get through another day. The semicolon is a pause and this is not the end of my story. I know I am a survivor.
My oldest son just got aaemicolon tattoo. Learning that he has tried to end his precious life was so hard for me as a mom. Knowing I've failed him is hard. The what it's are always there. I've recently learned my younger son also has feelings of worthlessness and that he has thought about it. This scares me for both of them.
Thank you Sprite for sharing your story and starting thread. Hugs for all of you who need it. Thank you all for sharing something so personal.