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Awakenings Ch. 04

On the road
At 7:00 the next morning, I was on the road. It was the 21st of August. I took Interstate 90 west and reached Rapid City, South Dakota at suppertime. Tired and ready to stop, I found a Motel 6, checked in and got directions to a local steak house.

While I had a budget of one hundred dollars a day for motels, I knew that there would occasionally be times when I both wanted and needed to stay in an expensive hotel. Motel 6's were generally clean and adequate for my needs. They also usually cost less than fifty dollars a day. Every night I spent in a Motel 6 freed up fifty dollars that could later be spent for luxury accommodations

After a good steak dinner I went back to my motel, took a shower and logged on to the Internet. There was an email from Ruth with a subject line indicating that it included a letter from Jeanne. I opened it.

Dear Michael,

I'm so sorry that my thoughtless actions forced you to leave your home, your work and your family. I wish it was possible to go back in time and start over. If I could do that I'd begin by spending several months exploring the world of sex with you, only you. Regardless of what I told you that evening I stupidly and without any preparation announced to you that I was going to have an affair, you have always been and always will be the man of my dreams.

Yes, I still have the desire to experience sex with other men and I still intend to pursue that desire. I know that you're having trouble accepting this, but it really is just sex and has nothing to do with love. You will always be the only man I'll ever love.

I want you to know that I've stopped seeing Derek Fischer. Right after you left last Saturday morning, I threw him out of the house. Michael, he threatened you. You effectively put him in his place, but I was still outraged. I would never have sex with a man who threatened you or was even impolite to you. When I read that, I guess it doesn't sound like much, but it matters to me and I needed to tell you that.

I also want to explain that I hadn't planned to get together with Derek last Saturday morning. When we went out last Wednesday night I left my sweater in his car. It was that beautiful cashmere sweater with the pearl buttons that you gave me for Christmas two years ago. I didn't want to lose it.

He called me Saturday morning. I told him that I couldn't see him for awhile. I really did want to try to make things right with you and that was going to include a lot of loving attention. Derek told me he had my sweater. In all the turmoil of the past few days, I hadn't realized that I'd left it in his car. I did want the sweater back so I told him he could stop by the house and give it to me. I really wasn't planning to let him stay, but once he was inside the house I stupidly let him kiss me and I melted. I'm sorry Michael, I'm not very strong right now and I have to admit that I did want to enjoy Derek again. I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan to have sex with him that morning.

I'm also sorry that we used our bed. I don't know what I was thinking. I promise you that even while your gone I will never again share that bed with anyone but you.

When I got your email this morning, I immediately called Ruth. During our conversation she outlined the terms of the trust funds that you set up for me and the girls. Thank you, you've left us financially secure. I do appreciate that. I also need to say that I wasn't surprised. That's the kind of man you are. It's one of the many reasons I love you so much. I know that you will always take care of the girls and me.

I only wish that I'd done a better job of taking care of you. There isn't anything I can do about that now, but when you finally do come home again I intend to make sure that you're the most loved man on this planet. If you'll allow me to do it I would like to try to suck and fuck you to death.

I was planning to try to do that Saturday afternoon. I'm sorry that it didn't happen. I was also planning to invite you to fuck my rear Saturday. I'm eager to try it. I'm curious about how it feels. Now I'm going to have to wait. I always intended that you would be the first man to enjoy that pleasure with me and now I promise you that you will always be the only man to enjoy that pleasure with me. I hope that's an incentive to get you to come home sooner.

Edith Montgomery called me last night. I gather that you told Charles about our problems. Since you're going to be gone, I suppose that you had to give him some kind of an explanation and the truth is always the best option. In any case, I'm glad you told them. I was surprised when Edith told me about their history. I love the idea of getting slutted up and I would have loved to have been one of the four harlots. I hope that hearing Charles tell you that he eventually learned to enjoy the lifestyle might help you.

When I talked to Ruth today I told her that Edith called me, so she told me about Julia Ann, Diamond Foxx and Roxanne Hall. I looked them up on the Internet during my lunch break today. I have to thank you. Julia Ann is a beautiful woman. While you're gone I hope that you watch lots of her movies and imagine that it's me enjoying all of those handsome studs. Please don't be offended by that. I hope that like Charles, you will eventually learn to want this life style as much as I do. Sex really is fun. It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that, I want to enjoy sex. Michael I don't just want to look like Julia Ann; I want to be Julia Ann or at least the movie Julia Ann. I want to be a slut. I know that's a crude word, but it doesn't have to be.

My only regret is that I didn't include you at the beginning of my journey. I know why, I was still too inhibited. What really upsets me is that when I was finally able to overcome my inhibitions about sex, I still didn't include you. I should have taken you by the hand, back tracked and guided you through the early part of the journey. It was a part of the journey that I'd already completed, but you're my partner. We needed to go through the entire journey together and I didn't do that with you. I wish I would have let you teach me how to give a blow job. We could have experimented. You could have told me what felt good and what didn't feel good. It would have been so much fun. Instead I let the girls teach me with a rubber cock. Even worse, once I learned how to do it properly, another man was the beneficiary of my newly acquired skill. Michael, I will forever be ashamed about that. You're the love of my life. You should always be first. While I really don't know how to make it up to you, I promise that when you return I will spend hours sucking your cock and licking your balls.

I already miss you. I hope you won't be gone too long. When you are ready to come home, give me a little warning. I'll want to buy a new dress and get my hair done just for you.

The girls send their love. They feel like they upset you when you talked to them on Thursday. I tried to assure them that it was me you were upset with and not them, but they still feel like they hurt you. It would be nice if you could send them a message telling them that you still love them.

They both wanted to write letters to you. I wouldn't let them do it. It's clear that you need some time away from the anguish I created for you. We're going to respect that decision and leave you alone. Please don't misunderstand that. We're not forgetting you. We will never forget you. All three of us will be thinking about you every minute of every day.

Michael, I love you. Always remember that. Take the time you need, but as soon as you're ready, please come straight home to me.

Be safe.



I sat back in the hard motel chair, closed my eyes and sighed. While Jeanne's letter made it clear that she was continuing her plans to pursue a life style of free love, it was equally apparent that she was still deeply in love with me. I didn't know what to think.

I smiled. That was why I was sitting in a Motel 6 in Rapid City, South Dakota. I needed time to figure all of this out. I sat up straight and opened a new email to Ruth.


Please forward this to Jeanne. Don't forget to delete my email address.


I also wish that you'd back tracked so that we could have started at the beginning of this journey together. You didn't, so now I have to take the initial part of the journey by myself. I'm sorry, but that means that there isn't any guarantee that we'll end up in the same place. I will promise you that while I'm gone, I'll try to watch a Julia Ann movie as often as I can. As to the fantasies that I have while I'm watching them, that remains to be seen.

I love you and I already miss you, too.


After I sent the email to Ruth I poured a glass of scotch and sipped it while I thought about everything that had happened. Eventually I reached the inarguable conclusion that life was confusing.

Deciding that I needed to do less thinking, I down loaded a Julia Ann movie from the Internet and sipped another glass of scotch while I watched it. When the movie ended I went back to a favorite part and masturbated. As Jeanne's interest in sex had diminished over the previous several years, I'd become quite accustomed to giving myself my own relief, but this was the first time I'd been interested in doing it since Jeanne had made her announcement that she was going to have an affair.

It felt good. When I was finished I climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep.

The next day I stopped at a souvenir store in Deadwood, South Dakota. I bought two post cards. On The back of each one I wrote:

I love you, I miss you. I don't blame you for anything. Please understand that I need a little time to process everything that's happened. I look forward to seeing you when I return.



I sent one to Tricia and one to Jodie.

I spent the rest of the morning touring the Black Hills. After lunch, I headed west. The next night, I stayed in Buffalo, Wyoming.

That night I downloaded another Julia Ann movie. The previous night I'd tried to avoid thinking about Jeanne while I watched the movie. It wasn't easy. This time I didn't try. I didn't fight it. I let myself imagine that I was watching Jeanne. Julia Ann is actually a talented actress. She's able to make me believe that she's truly enjoying herself. As I watched her suck her costar's cock, I remembered what Jeanne had looked like while she was licking Derek Fischer's balls. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that she'd been enjoying herself, too.

At first I was jealous. Occasionally in the past, Jeanne had grudgingly agreed to suck my cock. Unfortunately her obvious distaste about what she was doing almost always ruined the experience for me.

As my jealousy was turning into sadness, I recalled what Jennifer Rawlins had said to me in the Cosmopolitan Lounge, "My husband had me on a pedestal. I was his wife, the mother of his children and his ideal of feminine perfection. It was a status that I enjoyed and one that I wasn't willing to risk. I didn't dare admit to that wonderful man that I occasionally had an insatiable desire to be a nasty cock sucking slut."

I remembered what Jeanne had said in her letter, "It took me forty-nine years and the help of my daughters to overcome the inhibitions that were drilled into me when I was growing up. Now that I've finally been able to do that, I want to enjoy sex."

I started to understand.

I watched the movie. I imagined that it was Jeanne sucking that big cock. I can't say that it aroused me. While watching a woman suck a man's cock certainly excited me, I still had mixed feelings about watching my wife do it. I did however have a reaction that surprised me. It was fun to imagine Jeanne enjoying herself so much.

I remembered what Charles had said to me the previous Saturday afternoon. "During the days before her weekend getaways, Edith was actually giddy with excitement. It's fun to see the woman you love that happy."

Mixed feelings aside, I loved Jeanne and I had to admit that imagining her enjoying herself did make me happy.

After finishing the movie that night, I went back to a scene where Julia Ann was eagerly sucking her costar's cock. I watched it a second time and masturbated. When I was finished I slipped into bed and slept peacefully.

I spent the next several weeks sightseeing in the Rocky Mountains. I continued to stay in regular email contact with Ruth. In our emails we would often tease each other about our mutual burgeoning appreciation for erotic cinema. Ruth and her husband David were still enjoying Roxanne Hall movies on a regular basis.

Near the end of September, I was at a Motel 6 in Boise, Idaho. After dinner I turned on my computer. There was an email from Ruth. I opened it.


I have something I want to discuss with you. I'm afraid that it's going to be a little personal. I'm writing to you about it because I trust you and in many ways it seems to be related to your situation with Jeanne. I hope I don't embarrass you.

Last night, David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies. We now have an extensive collection. At the time, I was actually the only one watching the movie. David was going down on me. I assume you understand what I mean by that. David loves giving me head, especially while we're watching a movie and frankly, I enjoy it every bit as much as he does.

Halfway through the movie David took a break. He looked up at me and asked if I ever fantasized about actually being with the men in the movies. The man in the movie we were watching was amazingly well endowed, so of course I was fantasizing about him. Not wanting to lie to David, I cautiously told him that I did. His reaction surprised me. He just smiled and said, "Good," and then he went back to pleasuring me.

I thought about all of this for a few seconds and then I tapped the side of David's head. When he looked up at me I asked him if he ever fantasized about other women.

He told me that he didn't. I was a little surprised by that, but I was even more surprised by his next revelation. He told me that all of his fantasies were about me with other men.

While I was shocked, I was also excited. Remember, David had just been going down on me. I pulled him up so he was sitting next to me and asked him if he'd like to see me with the man in the movie we were watching. He nodded and told me that he'd like that very much. He then asked me if I was excited by the size of the guy's cock. I'm sorry, Michael, I don't mean to embarrass you. I just don't know how to explain what happened without using words like that.

You know David. He's not a big man. He has small hands and feet. He also has a small penis. I love him so it's always been enough for me, but I have a confession to make. Before I met David I was kind of a free spirit. I experienced a number of different men and several of them were well endowed. I have to admit that sex with some of those men was amazing, really amazing; so yes I was excited by the size of this guy's cock.

Still I didn't want to hurt David, so I tried to be diplomatic. I said that it was a big cock. David wasn't satisfied with that answer, he pressed me. He agreed that it was big but wanted to know if I found big cocks exciting.

I didn't want to lie to David, so I told him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but yes, big cocks did excite me. He told me that it was okay. He knew I loved him and he knew that I enjoyed his cock. Big cocks were a fun fantasy and it was all right with him if I wanted to enjoy that fantasy.

That made me feel better. I asked David if he enjoyed fantasizing about women with large breasts. He told me that he didn't and then he repeated that his favorite fantasies all involved me with other men, men with large cocks.

I was about to ask him another question, but he stopped me and slid back down the bed. As he repositioned himself between my legs, he told me to imagine that he was getting me ready to enjoy the man in the movie and then he started licking me again.

Michael, I had an unbelievable orgasm and that's saying a lot, because since David and I started watching the Roxanne Hall movies I've had some real whoppers.

After my orgasm was over, David got on top of me and started fucking me. While he was fucking me he whispered that he was imagining that the guy in the movie had just finished fucking me and he was now getting slippery seconds. He asked me if I was too stretched out from the other man's huge cock to feel him.

At that moment I was so aroused that I jumped right into the fantasy and told David that after my lover's big cock I really couldn't feel his little penis. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. The last thing I want to do was hurt my wonderful husband's feelings.

Amazingly, I didn't. In fact that answer seemed to excite David even more. He actually thanked me for allowing him to fuck me too and then he went at me with a passion that I'd never before experienced from him. While David was fucking me, I had another massive orgasm and when he came he must have pumped a gallon of semen into me. It was the most amazing sex we've ever had.

Michael, I once again apologize for being so graphic, but this is the only way I can accurately describe what happened. I have to talk to someone about this and you're my best friend. Also, in a way this is kind of related to the problems you're having with Jeanne.

This morning, when I thought about what we did last night I got incredibly excited; but it also made me feel ashamed. I'm the mother of two teenagers. I was raised to be a proper lady. I go to church every Sunday. Suddenly my husband and I are fantasizing about me being a slut. Right now I'm feeling terribly confused.

That's not all. Last night, after we were finished we were lying in bed cuddling. I sensed that David was sad. I asked him about it. He told me that he was ashamed about what he'd just told me. He was certain that I was now disgusted by him. I assured him that I wasn't. I told him that he was the strongest man I knew and I loved him deeply. We were simply playing with a fun fantasy, a fantasy that excited both of us. That made him feel better. We cuddled together for a long time before we both finally fell asleep.

Sex certainly can be confusing.

Again, I'm sorry if this email is too graphic. I really needed to talk to you about it. I didn't know how to do that without being explicit.

Your friend


After I finished reading the email, I sat back in the motel chair and shook my head. My wife, my daughters, Charles and Edith Montgomery, Jennifer Rawlins and now Ruth and David; it seemed like extra curricular sex was becoming the norm rather than the exception. I laughed to myself; the night Jeanne announced to me that she was planning to have an affair, she suggested exactly that. Maybe she was right. Maybe most married women were getting a little extra on the side, or at least fantasizing about it.

Tired from the day's drive, I turned off my computer and got into bed. As I tried to fall asleep, I thought about Ruth and David. At least they were talking about it first. That had been Jeanne's biggest mistake. She didn't prepare me for it. She just dropped it on me.

I thought about Jeanne. I was still deeply in love with her. I wondered if she was dating. I suspected that she was. It was likely that Ruth talked to Jeanne frequently, so she probably knew. I was afraid to ask. I wasn't yet ready to know for sure.

Unable to sleep, I turned my computer back on and watched another Julia Ann movie. In the movie she seduced a man much younger than she was. I wondered if Jeanne was dating college men. Oddly, part of me hoped that she was. Sex with a virile young man would be exciting for her. As I watched the movie, I masturbated while I imagined that Jeanne was Julia Ann.

Afterward I felt some remorse, but then I remembered Charles Montgomery telling me that after time he learned to enjoy Edith's affairs because they made her so happy. I loved Jeanne and I wanted her to be happy, too. Could I possibly learn to enjoy her affairs? Was that possible? Could I actually reach a point where I was happy when my wife was out on a date with another man? I sensed that I wanted that, but how could I? It seemed to be so very wrong.

Confused about my feelings; but extremely tired, I drifted into an unsettled sleep.

From Boise, Idaho, I drove west to Seattle. It was now early October.

I spent two rainy days in Seattle. The evening I arrived, I sent an email to Ruth telling her where I was.

The next morning I received a reply.


Thank you for the update about your trip. All of us are following you. Yes, I mean all of us. Of course Jason and I are eager to know where you are and what you're doing, but many others are too. Charles and Edith call me every week to ask if I've heard from you. And yes, Jeanne calls too. She calls me every day at lunch time. I also know that after she talks to me she always calls the girls to pass on the information you gave me. Michael, all three of them love you very much and they miss you terribly. I miss you too, Michael; so does Jason.

The firm is running well. Jason is a good manager. He's not as good as you, but he's learning quickly and he's getting the job done. We hired another accountant. We were swamped, we really needed one. He started yesterday. He graduated from college last spring. His name is Bernie Kyle. He's a wiry little guy and kind of shy, but he has a wonderful sense of humor. Both Jason and I like him. We told him that the job is only temporary, but when you return I hope we have enough business to keep him working for the firm.

David and I are still playing our fantasy game. It's a little crazy, but I never imagined that sex could be so much fun.

Be safe, and when you're ready please come home. All of us miss you.


I wrote back.


I'm glad to hear that things are going well at the firm. I never doubted that you and Jason would be able to run the business competently. I'm relieved that you hired another accountant. I'm sure that your work load was overwhelming. If he works out, I will do everything I possibly can to retain him after I return.

I'm also pleased to hear that you and David are still enjoying your fantasy game. Adding a little spice to a marriage is healthy.

Let me know if you need anything, otherwise you'll hear from me in a week. Say hello to Jason, Charles, Edith and David for me. And Ruth, please tell Jeanne and the girls that I love them.


The following morning I had another email from Ruth.


After I read your email I called Jeanne and read it to her. When I read the part where you told me to tell her that you loved her she was silent for a moment and then she asked me to read it again. I did. She asked me to read it another time. I did. The third time I read it, she cried. Michael, Jeanne really does love you.

Oh and yes, she does know about the fantasy game I'm playing with David.


I immediately wrote back.


Do you know if Jeanne is dating?


A few minutes later Ruth wrote back.


Yes, she is and while she is having sex on those dates, she adamantly maintains that it hasn't diminished her love for you at all. My conversations with Charles and Edith and the game that David and I are playing are helping me understand what she's saying. Jeanne contends that while we were taught that love and sex are synonymous, it isn't true or at least it doesn't have to be true. Jeanne is now convinced that sex can be a purely physical act and doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can just be fun.


The next morning, I left Seattle.

After I left Seattle, I spent two weeks exploring the Cascade Mountains and the Oregon coast and then I drove south to San Francisco.

I arrived in San Francisco in early November. I found an old motel overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was just above The Cliff House. The Cliff House is an elegant old restaurant on the Pacific beach.

Lincoln Park was directly above my motel. When I explored the park, I discovered a small municipal golf course with fabulous views of the Pacific Ocean, San Francisco Bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown San Francisco. The next day I found a golf shop, bought a set of clubs and started playing every day.

Ruth and I continued to exchange emails. While they were mostly just news, ten days after I arrived in San Francisco she sent me one detailing a new development in the sex game she was playing with her husband.


Last night, while David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies, he asked me to tell him about the men I'd been with before we met. He knew that there had been several, but that was all he knew. He wanted to hear details, particularly about the sex. I was reluctant to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel jealous. He was persistent, so I finally agreed.

As I confessed to you earlier, there were more than a few men. Actually there were many. I was trying to break that news to David gently, so I told him about four men that I'd dated regularly. At first I tried to be vague. I love David and I don't want to hurt him, but he pestered me for details. Michael, you have to understand that we were both naked, we were watching a porn movie and David had been going down on me for at least twenty minutes. I was aroused. It also fit in with the game we've now been playing for almost three months. I have to admit that at that moment I actually wanted to tell David every seamy detail about those four other men. They're exciting memories and now the man I loved was asking me to share those memories with him.

I made him lie down on the bed with his head propped up on two pillows so he could still see the movie playing on the television. Once he was settled I wrapped my fingers around his erection and began telling him about some of the sex that I experienced before we got married.

In an earlier email I mentioned that I'd been with a number of men who were quite large. Those four men were all large, but one of them was much larger than the others. His name was Nick Granger. He was the last man I dated before I met David. Nick was tall, handsome and a real stud in bed. He had a cock of porn star proportions, he recovered quickly and he could go for an amazingly long time. He was entertaining out of bed, too. Nick was funny and outgoing. Unfortunately he was also lazy, arrogant and a notorious womanizer. He was a great boyfriend, but lousy husband material. As soon as I got to know David, I ended my relationship with Nick.

After I started telling David about the sex I had with Nick, I could feel him getting even more aroused than he already was. That excited me, and without thinking I began eagerly and graphically describing how wonderful the sex with Nick had been. As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped and tried to apologize to David, but he laughed and told me that there wasn't any reason to apologize. He was happy that I'd had a chance to experience such an outstanding lover.

At first I was shocked by David's reaction, but we talked about it and as we talked, I realized that it fit with the game we've been playing. I relaxed, but I still I wanted to make sure that David was happy, so I started sucking his cock. While I was sucking him, David asked me if I ever missed the sex with Nick.

I love my husband. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want to hurt him, so I carefully considered my answer.

I stopped sucking David, but I kept stroking him. As I stroked him, I admitted that I did have fond memories of the sex I had with Nick, but then I quickly explained to David that I loved him and because I loved him, the sex I enjoyed with him would always be more satisfying than the sex I'd had with Nick.

David laughed and told me that he understood all of that, but I hadn't answered his question. He then asked it again. Did I ever miss the sex I had with Nick?

I laughed and asked him if he really wanted to know.

He said that he loved me and he was confident that I loved him too, so the fact that I enjoyed and missed the sex that I once had with another man shouldn't really matter.

I couldn't argue with his logic and I wanted to be honest with David, so I admitted that there were times when I did think about the fun I used to have with Nick and yes at times I did miss the way he used to fuck me.

I was still a little worried about how David would react to that confession, but he surprised me. He sat up, patted the pillows and asked me to lie back on the bed and spread my legs. We quickly switched positions. As David slipped between my thighs, he said that he wanted me to watch the movie and think about the wonderful sex I enjoyed with Nick. As soon as I lay back David started kissing and licking me.

Michael, it took me about a minute to cum and it was incredible. After I recovered from my orgasm, David pulled himself up next to me and asked if he could have slippery seconds. We were both giggling like school kids. Of course I said yes.

Afterward, as we lay cuddled together, David asked me if I was enjoying this game as much as he was. Michael, I can't explain it, but I really am enjoying it. I never dreamed that sex could be so much fun. When I admitted that to David, he seemed genuinely happy.

I don't understand what's happening, but I do have to admit that it's fun. Nobody is getting hurt, so I don't see any reason that we shouldn't be playing this game.

Michael, do you think we're crazy?


I replied immediately.


No, I don't think you're crazy. You're both having fun with this game and neither of you is getting pressured to do something you don't want to do. The one thing I've learned from my problem with Jeanne is that communication, honest open communication is essential. Just keep talking and listening to each other and you'll be fine.


After sending the email I sat back in my chair and shook my head. From what Ruth was telling me, it appeared that her husband David really was excited by the idea of her having sex with another man. That was... incredible. David wasn't some sleazy pervert. He was a regular guy. He worked for the city planning department. He was my friend.

It all started with those porn movies, the Roxanne Hall movies they were watching.

I was watching porn movies, too. I was watching Julia Ann movies and doing exactly what they were doing. I was imagining that I was watching Jeanne. I was fantasizing about my wife playing with other men. Of course there was a big difference between David's situation and mine. My wife really was playing with other men.

How could that possibly excite me? It was perverted. Yet I had to admit that it did excite me. I watched those damned Julia Ann movies and imagined that I was watching Jeanne. What the fuck was wrong with me? I regularly jacked off while I was imagining my wife enjoying sex with men who weren't me.

I took several deep breaths. I calmed myself. I thought. Was it perverted? If it was, why was it perverted? It was perverted because everyone said it was perverted. That wasn't an adequate explanation. Jeanne didn't think it was perverted. I knew that. She told me that she differentiated between love and sex. She thought sex was fun. She believed that it was something to be freely enjoyed.

While many people would agree that sex is fun, they would add the stipulation that it should only be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Jeanne had challenged that assertion. She'd dared to ask why that limitation had been imposed on her and then, failing to find a reasonable explanation, she'd chosen to act.

Unfortunately she hadn't allowed me to go through the same process that had eventually led her to the conclusion that had caused her to act. I wasn't prepared for her new life style. That was the crux of our current problem. That's why I was now sitting alone in an ocean side San Francisco motel.

That night, I didn’t watch a Julia Ann movie and masturbate. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I asked myself why. I immediately realized the answer. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my perverted fantasies.

That realization raised another question. I'd just established that Jeanne had adopted her new life style because she no longer chose to accept the traditional moral dogma that had been instilled in her since she was a little girl. Jeanne was the only person in this world who's opinion actually mattered to me. If she didn't think her behavior was perverted, why should I? Furthermore, if that was the case, didn't it follow that my accepting or even enjoying her behavior didn't necessarily make me a pervert? While that made sense, I still felt like a pervert.

I thought about that and understood immediately. I'd also been instilled with a moral code. Real men controlled their wives. They zealously guarded their conjugal rights. Only a wimp would allow his wife to enjoy the pleasure of another man.

I once again had to ask why. When Jeanne had sex with Derek Fischer, was I in some way diminished as a man? I was now quite certain that Jeanne didn't believe that.

The evening that Jeanne rashly announced to me that she was intending to have an affair, we did fight. I was shocked by her sudden and unexpected revelation. Angered by my adamant and to her, unreasonable, refusal to even consider what she was telling me, Jeanne had lashed out and said things that she has since told me she didn't mean.

While it took me some time, I now understood. Jeanne had foolishly believed that I would listen to her rationale for having an affair, grasp what she was telling me and immediately concur. She hadn't realized that I needed to go through a process similar to the one that she was completing.

Since that night, she's realized her mistake and apologized for abruptly dropping this bomb on me. She's also earnestly tried to make me believe that I'm still the man of her dreams and the only man she'll ever love.

If Jeanne doesn't think less of me because she occasionally dates other men, why should I be concerned that it in some way diminishes me as a man? Intellectually I now understood that it doesn't. Unfortunately, recognizing that and actually accepting it are two distinctly separate issues.

I finally did manage to fall asleep that night, but it was a restless sleep. I was still overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.

The next day, I played golf by myself. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.

I missed Jeanne terribly and I believed she missed me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Jeanne and I wanted to see my daughters.

I knew that Jeanne was dating other men, but that wasn't bothering me as much anymore. My conversation with Jennifer Rawlins had given me some insight into what was happening with Jeanne. Charles and Edith had helped too. Hearing about Ruth and David's adventures was also helping me. The image of Ruth enjoying sex with another man actually seemed to excite David, and Charles had told me that he eventually reached a point where he enjoyed Edith's affairs.

While I was learning to accept Jeanne’s desire to have sex with other men, I still had misgivings. I was afraid that both watching Jeanne get dressed for a date with another man and waiting for her to come home from her date would be agonizing for me.

As I thought about those two concerns, I realized that they weren't insurmountable problems. I didn't have to be at home while Jeanne was getting ready for a date and when she was out I could find things to do that would help me pass the time.

Charles told me that before a date, Edith would always make sure that he was well taken care of sexually. Jeanne had made a similar promise to me. She'd tried to convince me that this could become a sexual adventure for both of us. She'd pledged that she would make me a happy and well satisfied man. That would certainly help make her dates more bearable for me.

Actually, I hoped that like Charles I might eventually reach a point where I enjoyed Jeanne’s dates. Watching her get ready for an evening with another man could turn out to be fun. I loved Jeanne. Seeing her giddy with excitement as she anticipated the pleasure she was going to have on her date could make me happy.

Watching the Julia Ann movies and imagining that Jeanne was Julia Ann had also made it clear that, like David, picturing my wife with another man excited me. I could easily imagine spending the time Jeanne was out on a date watching Julia Ann movies and fantasizing about what she was doing, especially if I knew I was going to be rewarded with some hot sex when she returned home.

For a brief moment I actually contemplated ending my trip and returning home, but then I realized that I couldn't. Those weren't the real reasons I had to leave. There were other concerns, concerns that were much more serious. Sadly, those concerns weren't my issues, they were Jeanne's and I wasn't even certain she was aware of them.

Charles was right. I had to stay away. I had to stay away for at least a year. By being away, I was providing Jeanne with an opportunity to experience the unfettered life of a single woman, a woman free to be a sexual libertine.

While Jeanne adamantly maintained that she loved me and needed me, I wasn't certain that the love and security she got from me were more important than the thrill she was getting from her sexual adventures. If I was going to try to stay with Jeanne, I needed to know that she still wanted me. The only way I could do that was to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. If after a year she still eagerly welcomed me home, I believed that I could feel reasonably confident that she continued to want to maintain a serious relationship with me.

There was another reason I had to stay away. It was a darker and more unnerving reason. I feared that Jeanne might fall in love with one of the men she was dating.

My thoughts returned to Jeanne's date with Derek Fischer. Seeing her passionately kissing him on our front lawn and then the next day hearing that she'd held his hand during a romantic dinner at the Kennsington Grill had actually been much more painful for me than catching them naked together in our bed.

I loved Jeanne. Losing her to another man would be devastating, but if she's doing this because she's grown tired of me, I needed to know it. If she's fallen out of love with me I had to give her an opportunity to find someone new. Trying to hang on to a person who no longer loves you can only lead to a life of unbearable anguish and conflict.

As I left the golf course, it occurred to me that there might be a way to get some insight into what Jeanne was currently thinking. As soon as I got back to my motel, I emailed Ruth.


You mentioned that Jeanne is dating. Please call her and ask what she does on her dates. Don't worry, I understand that she's having sex. That's not what I'm asking about. I'm curious to know what she does before and after the sex.


As I was about to send the email, I realized that there was a risk that Jeanne might say that it was none of my business. I quickly concluded that a response like that would reveal a great deal about Jeanne's current feelings for me.

I sent the email.

As soon as I got home from golf the next afternoon, I turned on my computer and saw that Ruth had replied. I anxiously opened the email


I called Jeanne. She was elated to hear that you'd asked her this question. She thought she understood why you asked it and she was eager to answer it. She told me about her dinner with Derek Fischer at the Kennsington Grill, and that you later asked her how she'd feel if she walked into a romantic restaurant and saw you holding hands with another woman.

She admits that she'd be devastated. I understand. If I saw David holding hands with another woman I'd be devastated too. She told me that when she decided to start having affairs, she wasn't looking for romance. You always have and always will provide all the romance she wants. She asked me to remind you that other than you, Derek Fischer was the first man she'd dated in over twenty-seven years. She was a little out of practice and did some things with him simply because that was what she'd learned to do as a single young woman.

She now understands that she's not a single young woman, she's a mature married woman who's deeply in love with her husband. Her dates are about sex and only about sex.

She said that she does occasionally go to a night club with a man for drinks and a little dancing and sometimes she'll meet a man in a bar for a cocktail, but most of her dates meet her at your house. They'll have a cocktail in the living room and then they'll retire to Tricia's old bedroom for sex. She hopes you can understand that the evenings are more fun if she and her date take a little time to talk and flirt with each other. A little casual conversation over a cocktail or an hour or two spent dancing in a night club makes the sex much more enjoyable for Jeanne.

Michael, she asked me to be sure to tell you that she does kiss her dates. She doesn't want to lie to you or mislead you. The kisses don't mean anything, they're not intended to be romantic. Kissing is just an important part of sexual foreplay for her.

She hopes that you're not upset because she's entertaining men in your house. She's very concerned about how you feel about that. She explained that motels are inconvenient and seem like an unnecessary expense. She wants to assure you that when she's done playing with one of her dates, he always goes home. You're the only man who will ever sleep with her. She also asked me to tell you that she fully understands the gravity of the mistake she made that Saturday morning with Derek Fischer. She will never again entertain a man in a bedroom she shares with you.

Michael, Jeanne really does love you and she's very concerned about your feelings.


I wrote back.


Please read this to Jeanne.

Jeanne, I understand. Of course you have to be friendly with your dates. Cold dispassionate sex wouldn't be much fun. I'm happy to hear that some of your men friends are taking you dancing. I remember how much you used to love dancing when we were first married. I'm glad you're having a good time.

I've had time to think and I'm beginning to understand your assertion that sex doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can simply be a pleasurable activity enjoyed by two adults, much like playing tennis or golf. If you were playing tennis with a man, you would certainly be friendly and talk casually before and after your match. You might even go out for a drink or ice cream after your match, but you probably wouldn't kiss or hold hands while you were sitting in the bar or ice cream store.

While I'm beginning to understand that what you're doing isn't necessarily a threat to our relationship, I have to admit that when I think about what you're doing, I still experience occasional periods of jealousy. You're going to have to be patient with me.

It may seem strange to you, but when I think about your brief affair with Derek Fischer the images of him kissing you and you holding his hand during dinner at the Kennsington grill are much more disturbing than the memory of seeing you in bed with him naked.

That wasn't an attempt to make you feel guilty about what you did. I understand and accept your explanation of why it happened. It was your first date with a man other than me in over twenty-seven years. You were nervous and excited. Of course you resorted to dating behaviors that you developed when you were an unmarried young woman.

I told you that so you would understand that romantic involvement is much scarier for me than physical involvement. That said, I do realize that the trappings of romance are an important part of sexual foreplay. Of course you're going to kiss your dates. When you leave a night club to go to our house I hope your date has his arm around your shoulder. I know how much you enjoy that. I only ask that you be careful. I fear that we may be playing a dangerous game.

I agree with you, motels are an inconvenience and a needless expense. Don't worry, I don't have any objections to your entertaining your dates in our house. It actually makes good sense. I will admit that I was happy to hear that you're not letting your dates spend the night with you. I was also pleased to learn that your using Tricia's old room. I'm sure she doesn't mind.

I actually have a suggestion. It may seem like a strange suggestion for a husband to make to his wife, but I think it's a good idea so I'm going to go ahead and make it. Why don't you turn Tricia's old room into your play room. I doubt that Tricia would object, in fact I suspect that she'd think it was a good idea. We still have a little money that I held in reserve when I created the trust funds. I could easily give you a budget of ten thousand dollars for the remodeling. That would allow you to have the room repainted and re-carpeted, buy some new furniture and maybe even purchase several erotic prints for the walls. I think it would be fun. You can also look at it as my way of thanking you for not entertaining your dates in our bedroom. I really do appreciate that.

Jeanne, I love you. I miss you. I think about you constantly. I look forward to the day we can once again be together. Give my love to the girls for me.




Thank you for passing this on and thank you for acting as a go between for Jeanne and me.


Realizing that with this email I was telling Jeanne that I was now willing to accept her new life style, I took a deep breath and clicked on the send button.

As soon as that was done, I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. After a moment, I realized that I was smiling. I'd just taken a major step towards rebuilding my relationship with my wife.

My happiness waned as I realized that it would still be many months before I could return home. I had to give Jeanne an opportunity to discover exactly how she wanted to live her new life. Even more important she had to decide whether or not there was a place for me in that new life. The only way I knew how to do that was to make her experience life without me. While her answers to the questions I asked her today gave me hope, I knew that she still needed time before both of us could be certain that she really did want to include me in this new life.

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