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Confessions of a College Drop-Out, Part 1

Confessions of a College Drop-Out, Part 1

Jessica must confess her sins after getting kicked out of college for bad grades.
Jessica sat nervously in the lobby of the insurance office as she awaited her interview with Mrs. Devine.

It was the middle of December and she had just returned home from college a few days earlier. It was a difficult return home because she had lost her financial scholarship due to her grades dropping very badly this past semester. She had called her mother to confess the news last week after her Student Adviser told her she would need to come up with the money for next semester's tuition on her own.

That was a difficult conversation. Her mother had been so proud of her for getting that full scholarship to such a prestigious university. Her mother was very quiet as Jessica confessed. She didn't even ask for details or an explanation of why her grades were sub par. Instead she treated her like an adult and told her she would be moving back home and enrolling into a local community college immediately. Her mother called her again a few days later to let her know she got Jessica an interview with her close friend from church, Mary Devine.

"You'll need to get a full time job if you are going to pay me back for your tuition from now on," her mother said so matter-of-factually.

Mrs. Devine ran her own insurance agency that was quite lucrative from Jessica's memory growing up. She knew Mrs. Devine very well since she taught Sunday School at church. She taught Jessica's class when she was in eighth grade. Jessica will always remember that as her most fun year in Sunday School. Mrs. Devine did a great job of making the class very interactive and she treated Jessica and the other students more like adults than they probably deserved.

Jessica always looked up to her and admired her, but now she hadn't seen her in almost a year and here she was about to interview for a secretarial position with her because she was a college drop-out.

She dreaded the thought of having to confess that to her. All through high school, Mrs. Devine had continued to stay in touch with her and track her progress. Jessica felt she was a friend to her even though she was almost her own mother's age, she didn't act like it. She always told Jessica how much potential she had and that she knew she'd be successful in whatever she applied herself to.

All these thoughts raced through her mind as she heard the office door open and Mrs. Devine's voice.

"Hello Jessica, please come in. I'm sorry you had to wait, I was on a conference call that ran a little long."

Jessica stood straight up and made her way through the door into Mrs. Devine's office.

"It's no problem Mrs. Devine, really. It gave me time to sort out my thoughts...I'm a little nervous if you can't tell," said Jessica.

"Call me, Mary, please. We aren't in Sunday school anymore and there's really nothing to be nervous about. I've been looking forward to catching up with you," said Mary. "It's been so long since I've seen you last. You certainly have a more mature look about you."

Jessica blushed as she replied, "Well thank you, Mrs--er, Mary."

"That's it, darling. Now, please make yourself comfortable."

Mary motioned Jessica to the chair in front of her desk as she closed the door behind Jessica and returned to her side of the desk to begin the interview.

Jessica watched Mary walk from the door and back around her desk. As she did, she admired Mary's form. She had a sexy elegance about her as her hips swayed back and forth as she walked, the fabric of her business skirt hugging her hips perfectly as she made her way to her chair.

She certainly doesn't look like most forty five year old women, Jessica thought as she quickly averted her eyes from Mary's form before she turned her head back to meet Jessica's stare.

Mary looked at Jessica and smiled. "Well, tell me, how's school? How'd your last semester go?"

"Didn't Mom tell you?" Jessica asked.

"No," Mary replied, looking confused. "She said you were going to come and apply for a job here if I had anything available and that you were needing to make some extra money."

Jessica blushed, again. Bright red this time. She couldn't believe her Mom had sent her here to interview without explaining the full reason of her needing the job. She must have wanted me to do it as a part of my punishment or something, Jessica thought as she tried to find the words to answer Mary.

Jessica cleared her throat.

"Well, I... Uh, kinda lost my scholarship this past semester. So, I have to move back home and go to school here. I have to get a job so I can pay back my Mom for the tuition money that she'll be advancing me to pay for this next semester."

Mary's smiles slowing turned upside down as a look of disappointment swept across her face.

"Jessica, I must say, I'm very surprised. How did this happen? I know it's not an easy school. Were the classes too difficult?"

Jessica wished that was the reason. It would certainly make things a lot easier to explain. She was so glad her mother hadn't pried when given the news, but she had a feeling she'd eventually have to confess her reasons for not keeping her grades up. She was battling herself on whether to be completely honest or come up with something less complicated than the truth. Less complicated and less embarrassing.

Jessica could now see she was taking too long to respond and Mary was waiting for an answer. Her mind raced as she cleared her throat again.

"No, the classes weren't too difficult. I just started having some personal problems and I ended up missing too many classes and not completing a few projects."

"Personal problems?" Mary asked. "Oh dear, I hope you are okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I don't think I can, Mrs. Devine. Honestly, I'm kind of embarrassed about the whole thing," Jessica said as she looked down.

"Jessica, look at me..."

Jessica slowly lifted her head to meet Mary's stare.

"I said to call me, Mary. Now, Jessica, we used to be very close and I hate to think you have some things bothering you and no one to talk to about them," Mary said, pausing for a moment before adding, "Have you told anyone, sweetie?"

Jessica shook her head in response.

"Well, then you need to talk to me about it. If you are going to be working here, I'll need to know what I'm dealing with and if you have some problems, I know I can help you through them."

"So, tell me, Jess, what happened up there at school?"

Jessica did feel comfortable with Mary. She didn't know why exactly, but even as embarrassing as this was, she somehow felt more comfortable with her than she had her mother or her Student Adviser back up at school. It almost felt like she was just another college girlfriend or roommate that she could tell her secrets too.

Still, she was unsure how much detail she could really allow herself to go into.

"The problems I was having... They were, ummm, kind of sexual problems, I guess," Jessica said sheepishly.

Sexuality wasn't something that was often discussed at church or in her home, growing up. In fact, it was mostly ignored and considered a very taboo subject. The birds and the bees were covered when she came of age, but anything past the basics was never brought up or mentioned. Anything less than complete abstinence was unacceptable and considered a sin. That was a big part of Jessica's problem. That's also what had the butterflies doing circles in her stomach as she awaited a response from Mary.

Mary paused for a moment to take in what she just heard. It was far from the reason she would have suspected. She tried to collect herself before responding. Jessica had always been such an innocent and somewhat shy young woman as she watched her progress through her middle school and high school years. Now, she had to start seeing her as the "adult" Jessica. A complex young woman who was not just developing a personal identity as she transitioned into adulthood but a sexual identity, as well.

Mary, not wanting to scare Jessica off the subject, looked at her straight and said, "Now, Jess, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't forget, I was your age once too and I also went to college. I know how those kind of things can hit you all at once and it can be a lot to handle if you aren't prepared for it."

Without much pause, Mary added, "But, darling, I'm having trouble understanding how that could have affected your grades and class attendance so severely that you would lose your scholarship all together?"

"Well, it's a long story," Jessica stated, sounding exhausted already.

"That's okay, darling. I can tell this is troubling you and I don't want you to keep it bottled up. That won't help anything. You can tell me, Jess. Don't be shy. What you say in here, stays in here. Cross my heart," Mary said as she crossed her chest with her index finger.

As Jessica sat there biting her lip, contemplating her options, Mary's mind was now racing. She was wondering what Jessica could possibly have gotten herself into that would have caused such upheaval in her life. Did she get involved with a boy at school whose sexual needs kept her from her studies? Or worse, had she gotten pregnant or some kind of STD? All these things danced in circles in her mind until Jessica finally opened her lips to speak.

"Okay, but please, Mary... You can't tell anyone. Not even my Mom, okay?"

"Jess, if you are asking me not to tell your mother, I have to ask... You haven't been involved in anything illegal, have you?" Mary asked.

"No, ma'am. Nothing illegal. But I would be so embarrassed, I don't know how I'd ever face her again if she knew. I don't know how I'll face you if you know," Jessica whispered, as if she were already keeping it secret.

"Well, if you've done nothing illegal, then you have nothing to worry about, darling. I won't tell a soul and your secret is safe with me," Mary said.

Mary could tell that whatever was on Jessica's mind was weighing heavily on her. Her body language gave it all away. Jessica sat there contemplating how and where to start. Her right hand worked over her neck as if she had woke up on the wrong side of the bed and her left hand had a death grip on her left knee. Her right foot was tapping nervously. Mary stayed patient as she allowed Jessica to collect her thoughts.

Meanwhile, Jessica had no idea how she was going to tell Mary what happened to her at school. Not only was she a nervous wreck at the thought of disclosing such personal and sexual details of her brief time way at school, but recycling everything through her mind was forcing her to fight off feelings of arousal rising up from her loins and playing with the butterflies in her stomach. She suddenly wishes she had dropped the habit she picked up in college of going without panties when she wasn't on her period. Too late now, she thought as her thighs instinctively clenched against each other in an effort to hide the pulsing arousal she was feeling.

Jessica took a deep breath.

"Well, it all started when I moved in with my roommate during freshman week last year," Jessica began.

"Her name is Becky and we began the process of getting to know one another and exchange pleasantries while we were unpacking our clothes and arranging our rooms. Once our families left and we were left to finish up unpacking and organizing our room, we started the process of getting to know the real roommate we'd be living with."

"So, I have to tell you about Becky. First, she is an attractive girl and about my height, but she has blonde hair. She had played many sports growing up and was athletic like me but that is where many of the similarities end for us. It was pretty clear from the get go that we were both raised quite differently.

"Becky was a lot more outgoing and free-spirited and I was much more conservative and shy. And you know it was rare that my family ever misses a Sunday church service but Becky's family was lucky if they made it to Christmas or Easter services," Jessica said with a tense giggle.

"For Becky, high school was more about playing sports and partying and I could tell she was going to view college in much the same way. She was already talking about the frat houses and sororities on campus and if I had heard of any parties.

"I had a very bad feeling about how well we would get along. I tried very hard to not seem sheepish in our conversations, but she was clearly not shy to bring up any topic or subject, no matter how taboo it might be.

"Of course, she quickly realized she had more of a bookworm for a roommate than a fellow party girl. So, we kept things cordial, but there was a certain amount of tension in our living quarters for the first few months. I found myself spending much of my time in the library and studying so I wouldn't be distracted by the friends she would have over or general volume of her conversation and behavior in our room. It was more than a little distracting, so I just avoided it," Jessica continued as she subconsciously slipped back into her conservative comfort zone.

Mary continued to listen intently, watching Jessica fidget in her chair as she recounted the events of her first semester in college. She wondered where all of this was leading.

Jessica took a moment to exhale before continuing, "Even though I was trying my best to avoid the situation and keep the peace, I still had to sleep there, I still had to live there and I'd come home at night and she'd be with a guy in bed with the lights off and I'd have to fumble my way through as they tried to keep quiet.

"Other times, I'd come home or wake up in the middle of the night to find her at the computer watching pornographic videos and wearing next to nothing..." Jessica trailed off, realizing the line she just crossed in the conversation. Her face got beat red and she looked away.

"Jessica, was Becky masturbating in front of you?" Mary queried.

"Yes," Jessica replied. "She did it all the time and I didn't understand it. She was so sexually liberated and I felt so naive. I mean, I grew up in a household where sex and masturbation was never discussed aside from the birds and the bees. It was understood that sex was naughty and to be avoided outside a marriage. Masturbation was considered something only wicked girls and boys did. You know, Mrs. Dev-er... Mary. You know how the other women are at church. I don't know, you always just seemed different. I guess that's why I feel so comfortable telling you about this."

"Jessica, you know I'm friends with your mother and the other women at church but that doesn't mean I have to share all their same beliefs when it comes to sex and sexuality. I don't think there is anything wrong with positive communication and education about sex and even masturbation should be encouraged in young women your age," Mary declared.

"Now, as I said earlier, you can trust me and I'm glad you do," Mary said. "So, tell me what happened next, did you confront Becky about these issues?"

"No. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to do it so I just kept avoiding it and wearing ear plugs to bed so I wouldn't be so sleep deprived for class in the morning. But then, something happened. I met some girlfriends that were in my Statistics class to do a group study of the material we went over that week so we'd be prepared for the test on Monday," Jessica continued.

"When we were finished, the one girl whose house we were at said she needed a beer after all that Math and offered one to the rest of us. Everyone said 'yes' and for the first time I wanted to feel included, so I did too. They seemed like nice girls and I wanted to fit in. Anyway, it was all very innocent and we had fun and laughed. After a few beers, it was past midnight and I said I better get home and I thanked them and left.

"When I got home, Becky was already there and on the computer again, watching some kind of porn video in just her t shirt. She looked at me and I'm sure with help from the beers, I probably gave her a dirty look back before proceeding to get ready for bed. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, when she popped her head in and asked if I'd been drinking. I told her I had and she got a sad look on her face and asked why I never wanted to go out with her and have a drink. I told her that I don't drink that much and I don't drink like she does, so I just didn't think it would be fun. Then she asked if I had a problem with her watching porn and having fun while I was in the room.

"I couldn't believe we'd been living together for two months and she was just asking me this question. But, then again, I didn't speak up either. I told her that I found it very distracting and I just didn't understand why she needed to do it all the time and I told her she seems like a bit of a pervert."

Jessica again took another deep breath before continuing and Mary's eyebrows rose with a peaked interest in what was coming next.

"Well, one thing led to another and I guess the beers enabled me to share much more than I normally would. She asked what I meant by that and why you wouldn't want to do it all the time. She then asked me straight out if I masturbated in the shower or the bathroom since she never heard me at night or caught me doing it. I told her that was because I didn't do it and I was raised to be better than that.

"Becky laughed and asked, 'Are you kidding me? Jess, do you mean you don't masturbate? You've never even tried?'

"I snapped back and told her that I did NOT masturbate and that I didn't say I never tried touching myself but that I didn't think it was that great and the last thing I'd want to do was get caught again.

"Well, I didn't realize the ball of wax that I had opened and after initially being very embarrassed by my admission, she ended up getting me to tell her all the details of the times I got caught trying to experiment with my body growing up and I was always taught that it was a sin to experience pleasure from sex. She talked to me about it for a while and how she was raised. She ended up convincing me that the reason I didn't like it was only because I got caught and the negative feelings associated with trying to find pleasure from my own body growing up. She told me it was a tragedy that I never got to feel the full benefits of the pleasures my body can provide... Having an orgasm."

I could feel the warmth in my cheeks as I felt the embarrassment of what I had just revealed wash over me.

As I lowered my head, Mary was leaning forward in her chair with increased interest.

"Thank you for sharing with me, Jessica. I know that was difficult for you," Mary said with a smile as I glanced back up at her.

"Please don't be embarrassed, either. It is important that you talk with someone about this before you can move on with your life. I want this to be a fresh start for you here," Mary said with a warm smile.

Jessica looked back up now with a renewed feeling of acceptance.

"Now, tell me young Jessica. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that is the night you began to find your lost sexuality. Is that correct?"

Jessica paused again before replying, "Yes, ma'am."

"Good. And did you learn how to take care of your own sexual needs and masturbate like Becky?" asked Mary.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, that's just as I suspected and I want you to know there is nothing wrong with that, Jessica... At all. Now, I'm beginning to see where all this is going now. Did Becky teach you how to masturbate?"

"Yes... She did."

"And I'm going to assume you ended up enjoying that and she was able to teach you how to orgasm?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good and did she teach you about toys?"

"Yes, she'd let me share hers and I ended up buying some of my own too," Jessica replied as she began getting more comfortable with Mary's level of acceptance.

"And did you begin to enjoy the same video she was watching on the computer?"

"Yes, I did."

"Did you and Becky masturbate together a lot?"

"When she was first teaching me stuff, it was like show and tell. I was very shy at first but as I began to learn more about how good my body could make me feel... Orgasms and multiple orgasms." Jessica blushed slightly before continuing, "I began to really love it and Becky loved educating me, I could tell. It was like a game to her, how good could she make me feel. But as the year went on and it was clear that I didn't need any further instruction, it was less and less."

"Did you ever touch each other or experiment with each others' bodies?"

"Only somewhat in the beginning when she had to be more hands on with her teaching because I was so naive. Mostly we would just not be shy about doing it around each other or showing each other new tricks or toys."

Mary could sense something change in Jessica's demeanor when she answered that question.

Mary probed, "Jessica, were you attracted to Becky? Did you want to touch her and have her touch you?"

Jessica looked down, unable to answer. Mary had seen right through her.



"Are you attracted to other women, Jessica?"


"Are you attracted to men at all?"

"Yes, but I don't think as much. Not since Becky."

"Well, as they say, opposites attract and I guess it can happen even if it's not the opposite sex," Mary stated so matter of fact.

"Jessica, what stopped you from pursuing Becky or talking to her about this?" Mary inquired.

"I tried, but she was not interested in me as much as guys. I think I was just an experiment. She enjoyed having fun with me, but she was only attracted to being with guys."

"Were you sexually active with any boys?"

"No, I never met any I liked," Jessica stated.

"As much as Becky, you mean?" Mary asked.


"I think I see it now, Jessica. You were attracted to Becky. You loved her for the gift she gave you and opened you to a whole new world of sexual freedom and you wanted her for yourself. You wanted to be with her but she did not reciprocate. Instead she continued to date other boys and bring them home. You were depressed Jessica, weren't you?"

Mary was sure she had gotten to the root of the issue now and this would not be easy but Jessica would recover from this. She was still so young.

"Yes, ma'am...that was part of it."

Part of it? Mary thought. What was she missing?

"What else am I missing, Jess?"

Jess paused, realizing she had just opened Pandora's box with that small statement. But she had come this far and Mary hadn't hardly blinked at anything she had said so far. She was nervous because she knew Mary would continue to probe until the whole truth was revealed, perhaps even the dark details. At the same time, Jessica found herself becoming excited at the thought of what she was going to tell her former Sunday school teacher.

To be continued...

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