Sir Edmund Bluesnake walked into the library of his manor and slumped down in one of the lounge chairs. It had been a hard day’s work. Not only did he have to make sure that the beer his brewery was making had the right taste, he was also required to go to his distillery and check on his whisky. The nearly two hour long drive had made his chauffeur desperate for a smoke as Sir Edmund didn’t allow smoking in his car. Some girls just didn’t like sitting in a car with the scent of smoke.
Sir Edmund reached over and grabbed the handle that would call his servant. He needed a drink and the whisky was in the next room. No point grabbing it on your own when you have a servant to do it for you. As he waited for his servant, he looked up at the painting hanging over the mantelpiece. It was of his great-great-great-grandfather, Sir Hillary Bluesnake.
“Why on Earth did you give our family such a shitty name?” he questioned the portrait. The amount of times he had been asked if his last name was because he enjoyed, 'choking the snake' was becoming legendary. Not to mention people laughing their arses off afterwards like they had just invented comedy. “You couldn’t just find a regular name, like Harrison or Watfordson. You had to pick fucking Bluesnake. I bet this was well into your syphilis period and you had already become half-demented, you piece of shit. If it hadn’t been for my solicitor checking in every now and then to make sure that your portrait is still up there, I would have taken you down, had my dogs wee on you and then give you to the local school so the kids could play put the tail on the shitty piggy.”
He was just finishing up with his rant as his servant opened the door.
“You rang, sir?”
“Ah, Smalldick. Would you mind fetching me the whisky from the other room? I can’t be bothered to get it myself.”
“Not at all, sir. And I’ll have you know, that my willy is not as small as you may think.”
“Of course it’s not. It was only recently that they turned the Hubble telescope towards your groin and finally discovered what is now known as the amoeba penis. Actually I’ve had several microbiologists calling me and asking if they can come over and study your willy. They say it might be the key in understanding how one celled organisms reproduce.” Smalldick walked out, thoroughly puzzled and then came back with the whisky.
“What’s an amoeba, Sir?”
“An amoeba is a creature that is as simple and stupid as they come. They have no ability to think or even do anything worthwhile to this world. They are the lowest of the low that serve no other function than feeding those higher up the food chain. You’ll usually find them going ‘Hoorah!’ in the stands wherever they play American football, because it’s the only sport that is simple enough for them to understand. Anything more complicated than that would be like you trying to pick up girls,” explained Sir Edmund as Smalldick poured a glass of scotch and handed it to Sir Edmund.
“I have you know that I’m quite the ladies man, Sir,” protested Smalldick.
“Really?” askes Sir Edmund as he grabbed the glass and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes, Sir. I have an array of well tested and working pick up lines.”
“And do these lines go along the route of ‘Me Tarzan, you Jane’; ‘Would you come back to my place and look at my stamp collection’ followed by actually showing them your stamp collection consisting of three stamps that look vaguely like private parts if you tilt your head on the side-“
“But they do!”
“Or maybe you show off your tremendous vocabulary by saying ‘I know a word with many syllables.’” Smalldick looked up at the ceiling as if he was thinking. Sir Edmund could practically hear the wheels churning inside his head.
“I don’t think I do.”
“Of course you don’t. There’s a reason your best skill is cleaning the toilet; you were outsmarted by baboons when you had the IQ test. Scientists are still amazed at the fact that you can open a door.”
Before Smalldick could come up with something that even remotely resembled a witty reply, the doorbell rang. Sir Edmund made a hand gesture for Smalldick to go open the front door. Narrowly avoiding hitting the door to the library on the way out he slumped towards the door. Just as he opened the door, the man on the other side greeted him excitedly.
“Tiny! How jolly good to see you!” he exclaimed. Smalldick wrinkled his nose a bit as a sign of dislike for the nickname.
“Sir Perceiving, nice to see you too. Should I take your coat?”
“Brilliant idea, my good man.” Sir Perceiving immediately threw his coat over Smalldick’s head and stormed into the library to see Sir Edmund. “Edmund, dear cousin, how brilliant to see you.”
“So God decides to punish me even further today. What the hell do you want, Pervy?” Pervy was the nickname most had for Sir Perceiving. Not because he was hornier than most people and interpreted most things in a perverse way, but it was because he had some rather disturbing fetishes. If one could think about far fetched and slightly disturbing fetishes, Pervy was probably into it.
“I thought I’d just pop over for a chat and a proper manly man conversation with important topics like girls and booze and more girls.” Pervy slumped down in a chair on the other side of the table just as Smalldick walked back into the room. Smalldick poured a sizeable glass of scotch for the guest and gave it to him.
“Thanks, Tiny," said Pervy, causing Sir Edmund to smile at his servant's nickname. “So tell us, Tiny. Have you had any great conquerings of the fairer sex and rumbling in the hay?”
“No, sir, there haven’t been much for me in the hay since we stopped having horses,” Pervy’s eyes went wide in surprise while Sir Edmund’s hand immediately went to his face as he shook his head.
“That’s not what he meant, you dimwit. He was wondering if you’d gotten your willy wet lately,” explained Sir Edmund
“Ah, I see. Well I have done that recently, sometimes last week.”
“Really?” Pervy’s eyes went wide again, this time of more positive excitement while Edmund left it with only a raised eyebrow. “Who was she? What did she do? How was it?” quizzed Pervy in excitement. Smalldick tilted his head from side to side a couple of times as if he was reminiscing back to the passionate moment.
“It was the kitchen sink. I turned a plate the wrong way while doing the dishes and the water jet went straight to my groin, soaking my willy.”
“No, not that kind. I mean where you go up to a beautiful woman the following morning after a long night of passionate and hot sex, like I had on our trip to Ibiza,” explained Pervy.
Sir Edmund raised his eyebrow and turned to Pervy, “Are we talking the drunk girl you took back our apartments the night you were pissed out of your mind?” he asked. Pervy leaned back in his chair, a bit uncomfortable by the mark that he was drunk.
“I might have consumed a few beers on the Irish pub, but I wasn’t drunk. And she was still beautiful!” he protested.
“You were so drunk that you danced on the tables while singing ‘Rule Britannia’ and saying that all the Irish would have been better off still being under British rule. As for the girl you brought home I had the unfortunate misery of seeing her naked the following morning. Her boobs looked like two half full water balloons still attached to the tap. Her arse looked like two eggplants that were stapled on her body at a mediocre Chinese factory at the end of a 16 hour shift." Pervy squirmed in his chair, but Sir Edmund wasn't done yet.
"Her face looked like she had fallen down from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down and then going back up for another fall. Her pubic hair was so big and smelt so bad that I could smell it from across the room. I bet there are monkeys jumping around in there. The way she was walking makes me believe that her vagina is a gaping hole that would make people find a pickaxe and go digging for gold. She was far from a catch worth talking about,” as Sir Edmund went on, Pervy shifted in his chair, becoming more and more uncomfortable at the rather vivid description.
“Alright, alright, so maybe it wasn’t my proudest conquering, but I still got some!”
“Napoleon had a prouder moment when he came back to his wife after losing at Waterloo and said, ‘Darling, I lost the battle because I have haemorrhoids and couldn’t sit on my horse for long periods.'”
Pervy sat silent for a couple of minutes, wondering how to strike back from this rather humiliating incident.
“I’ve got a great plan, Sir!” Pervy and Edmund looked up at Smalldick who had been standing there, listening to what could only be defined as a barrage of insults from Edmund.
“Do you? And is this as great as your plan for cleaning the pots and pans when you filled them with petrol and decided to try and burn away all the food stains?” questioned Edmund.
“It’s even better, Sir. We go to a bar and then we can see if Sir Perceiving can find the girl again, then we can all see if she is indeed beautiful and we can make a fair judgement since we’ll all be sober.”
“A brilliant plan indeed,” Edmund nodded to him “but only one slight hicky with it.”
“What’s that, Sir?”
“Disregarding the fact that we would have more luck scouring the zoo for this girl, even if she had managed to escape again, the fact that she came from a remote village where the traditional way of marriage is usually marrying your uncle to make sure that your family line is pure and continues to be inbreed, the chances are we’ll thankfully never see her again.”
“Oh ...” Smalldick looked quite defeated as he tried to understand what had just been said, other than the no.
“Wait, it is brilliant!” Pervy punched Edmund playfully in the shoulder. “We all go out, then we find ourselves a girl, and then whoever can get a roll in the hay with their chosen girl wins! It’s the ultimate test of our sex appeal and manliness. Not to mention the bragging rights afterwards!”
“Come on. How’s that going to be a competition? You will not get lucky since you can’t speak with a girl unless you’ve had about ten pints and Smallders will scare away any woman that looks at him.”
“Then put your money where your mouth is and let’s do this. 500 pounds says I’ll win,” said Pervy
The three men sat around a table at a dimly lit bar, music blaring at a comfortable level from the speakers as people walked back and forth between the dance floor and the seating area. It was your typical Friday evening club/pub that attracted all kinds of people. Of course the older generation wasn’t well represented, but from mid 40’s and down there were plenty of them. None of the three were very talkative, they just sat and observed the people, like a group of predators hunting for a prey.
“My God there’s a lot of hot women in here tonight!” exclaimed Pervy.
“If you by hot you mean 'Hells Own Transvestites,' then I’m sure there are a couple of them. As for good looking ones, I doubt you’ll find any male creature on this earth that finds these released animals attractive.”
“I think that one there is quite lovely,” Smalldick pointed to a girl sitting at the bar.
“Point proven,” Edmund mumbled to himself.
“Which one?” Pervy wondered.
“The one in black sitting at the bar drinking from the tall glass.” The woman Smalldick was pointing at was in her late 30’s, long, brown hair and rosy cheeks. Although it wasn’t possible to see from a distance, her eyes were tantalizing, a feature of hers that would attract the attention of many men. Especially her left eye, since the pupil had slipped down to the right corner of her eye as if she was constantly looking at her own very cleavage.
Her attire of a tight, tube top and a tight pair of jeans allowed everyone to observe her stomach and back, giving them a clear view of the disturbingly large muffin top. Despite her bum being restricted to a certain degree by her jeans, it still seemed like it was about to engulf the barstool she was sitting on, like a reverse type of birth.
Edmund rolled his eyes as he saw her and tried desperately not to comment, a part of him wanting to mumble something about Smalldick finally pick a woman of his own species.
“Go on, lad. Walk over to her,” encouraged Pervy.
“But what do I say?” asked Smalldick.
“I dunno, something charming. Make her feel wanted and special, like she is something you really want,” coached Pervy.
Smalldick nodded, got up from his chair and walked over to her. He stopped a few feet away from her and turned around to the other two, like he was asking them what he to do. Pervy waved his hand to signal to him to go over to her while Edmund sat still, waiting for what he thought would be an ultimate disaster of epic proportions.
“Ummm, hello.” The nameless lady turned around and looked at Smalldick… with one eye at least. “When I saw you I remembered my days as a youngling, when we would be out in the garden and playing and then be called in for muffins, although since it was my neighbour’s garden I was never invited in.” The lady raised her eyebrows, mouth a bit open in shock as she looked at this character that probably didn’t have all that many trips to the hairdresser under his belt. Nor any style.
Smalldick decided to try something different, “Never before have I seen a woman that is capable of looking me straight in the eyes and down on her bosom at the same time, you are truly unique.”
The comment was followed by a hard, left hook hitting Smalldick right in the jaw, almost flooring him. Like an angry rhino, she got down and stormed off, making the glasses hanging at the bar clink in synch with her angry and stomping feet. Smalldick staggered off, clutching his jaw as he tried to manoeuvre back to the table to the other two. Pervy’s jaw was almost resting in his lap while Edmund was leaned back, relaxed and unaffected, like he had either missed the whole thing or had exactly known what would happen.
“What happened? What did you say?” asked Pervy.
“I told her she was unique and special, and she just walked away,” whined Smalldick.
“Bad luck, old chap. It’s a numbers game. You win some you lose some,” said Pervy, trying to console him.
“And in the case of the baboon in a bar, he’ll lose all the time," muttered Edmund.
“Yes and oh my goodness me. That’s a rather sassy looking lady, isn’t it lads?” exclaimed Pervy.
Although the light was dim Edmund could clearly see features of the woman in question. She seemed to be of oriental descent and didn’t have as large a bosom as Smalldick’s attempted conquest. Her slim features and long, black hair gave her the petite look that many men longed for. Even if her nose reminded him of an eagle she was the kind of girl you would have no problems shagging from behind… or with a bag over her head. All in all he was surprised that Pervy had managed to pick out such a good looking girl, disregarding her nose.
“Alright, Pervy. Show us what you got.” Pervy finished his drink and walked over to the woman, full of confidence and a slight smirk on his face. He could already feel the 500 pounds in his hand.
“Hello there, you foxy beauty.” The woman quickly turned around and although she was a bit annoyed by his bluntness, she did answer with a polite, "hello."
“Let’s get down to business, you intriguing little spice box. I wanna cover your nipples in tomato sauce and lick it off you. I wanna cover my toes in sour cream and salsa and smear it all over your taco. I wanna spray ketchup and mustard on my cock and lay you down on a bed of potatoes as we show the world what’s proper bangers ‘n’ mash,” continued Pervy. She looked up at him, then eyed his body up and down before putting her hand on his thigh, slowly stroking it up and down.
“That’s a very tempting offer,” she said in a sultry voice. Pervy smiled as her hand moved further and further up his thigh. “Although there is one slight hitch to your plan,” she leaned in and softly whispered in his ear, “About the salsa and sour cream thing. I don’t have a taco, I have a sausage like you, so it would have to be to cover your corn on the cob with salt and butter and then poke it in my cornhole,” she finished the sentence by giving his ear a little lick and a nudge with her overdimensional nose.
Pervy looked shocked for a moment as he tried to take in what she had just told him. As it dawned on him that this wasn’t a woman, but in fact a man looking and dressing just like a woman. He leaned back away from her as far as he could and instantly fell to the floor. He stared up at her in disbelief as he backed further away from her and finally got up and practically ran towards the other two.
“What’s the matter? Did you finally find someone that outdid your perversions?” Edmund had a satisfactory smirk all over his face.
“Yes! It’s a man! And he licked my ear!” Edmund looked over at the young transsexual at the bar and could see that she was doing a bad job at concealing her laughter. Apparently scaring off guys like that was half the fun.
“It looks like a woman to me, Sir!” exclaimed Smalldick.
“That’s because the furthest you venture out of this world is observing the birds poop on your bicycle seat, Smalldick. That is in fact what they call a ladyboy. Boys that have just hit the legal age that act and dress like women. Quite popular in certain circles," explained Edmund.
“Disgusting is what it is!” Pervy tried to calm himself as he ordered another drink.
“This coming from the man who had himself inoculated against yeast infection so he could eat out women covered with it because they have a different taste. Well done, Pervy,” applauded Edmund.
“Alright then. You show us all how it’s done then.”
“As a matter of fact I will.”
Pervy and Smalldick observed as he got up from the table and walked over to a blonde woman sitting alone at a bar. Her short skirt revealed a pair of quite attractive legs. Her breasts filled out the tight tube top perfectly, even if they weren’t big. She was a bit on the chubby side, but not so much that it looked bad. Although they couldn’t see her face clearly there were no disturbing features. They saw Edmund sit down next to her and talk to her for a bit. She smiled at something he said before he grabbed her hand and led her towards the restrooms. The two observers were in shock as they saw how easily he did it.
Edmund quickly dragged her into a stall and locked the door behind them. He felt the blood flowing towards his groin as her breasts were pressed up against his chest. He smiled as he leaned forward and locked lips with her. Their tongues started dancing together as a soft moan escaped her, arms wrapped around each other. She started grinding against him, her crotch rubbing against his thigh, letting him feel the heat and the dampness from her pussy. They both smiled as they heard a woman moan loudly a few stalls down. Obviously they weren’t the only ones getting it on in the restrooms.
He spun her around and started kissing her neck as his hands found her breasts. Caressing them gently at first he got rougher and rougher, squeezing them and giving them a rough massage. She had to bite her lip to avoid moaning as she felt his bulge starting to grind against her curvy ass, making her mind jump to what was about to come. His hands quickly pulled down her top a bit, exposing her wonderful breasts fully to his hands and he went straight for the nipples. Pinching both of them he gave them a hard tug, finally causing her to moan out in pleasure.
His mouth went down on her neck and he started to suck and bite on it. Gently at first, but when he felt her hand brushing over his bulge he couldn’t contain himself anymore. His soft almost inaudible moan was overwhelmed by her loud one as she felt the suction and the teeth dig into her skin. There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted and needed his cock inside her right away. He on the other hand, could wait a bit.
One of his hands started to trail down, taking his time but letting her know where he was determined to go. She could feel her pussy pulse and almost ache as it longed for that pleasurable touch. Just one gentle rub or pinch would be enough to ease the needing ache in her groin, but to her dismay he stopped right above her pussy.
She tried to contain herself, to not beg, but as his hand moved around in slow circles just as it would on her clit she couldn’t help it.
“Please, stop teasing,” her little whimper surprised her. She had never been this horny and needy before, but then again, she had never been with a man that was in so complete control of her in every aspect, that had made her want it this much before. Edmund smirked to himself as he finally had what he wanted. With a quick movement the hand went under the skirt, pushing her panties away and finally gave her clit a pinch.
To her and Edmund’s great surprise, a loud almost scream escaped from her lips. She knew that sometimes she could be vocal, but never like this, and not from something as simple as a pinch. Edmund smiled to himself and started to rub her little bud hard and fast. He loved how the wetness started to cover his fingers, not just from her pussy but also from her soaked panties. He rubbed the clit hard in circles, both of their desires increasing as she got wetter and wetter. Her hands struggled behind her back to undo his trousers, trying to reach his bulging and throbbing cock as she wanted, no needed him.
Finally his trousers loosened and she managed to stick her hand down his pants. Just as she grabbed his hard member she felt a bit of precum ooze out. Using her thumb, she smeared the precum all over his head, noticing a shiver ride through Edmund’s body. Slowly she began pumping the rod in her hand, stroking it up and down, causing Edmund to bite down harder on her neck, just the way she loved to be bitten. The pleasure was immense for both of them, as they both knew exactly how to work their hands.
This time it was Edmund who lost control. He quickly moved his hands away and before she even knew what was happening she was spun around and facing him. Despite there being very little room he managed to lift one of her legs and with the other hand he guided his cock towards her pussy. As she finally realised what was going on, she bit her lip in anticipation. She looked down at the rod moving closer and closer to her pussy and she felt a heavy shiver go through her body as the warm head finally made contact with her pussy. Acting on its own, her body began to slowly grind against the head, rubbing up and down and soaking the head. With her eyes closed she enjoyed the feeling of the pulsing head rubbing against her throbbing clit.
Caught in the sensation of pure enjoyment, even if it wasn’t really much, she didn’t notice that Edmund was pushing further. With a quick thrust his cock was half way inside her pussy, causing her eyes to go wide in surprise before closing again due to the pure enjoyment that followed and sent shivers through her body. She didn’t even manage to moan until he finally pushed all the way inside her. Finally she leaned forward and bit his shirt covered shoulder as she moaned in pleasure, doing her best to muffle it.
Edmund held her left leg up, leaning it against the toilet in the stall as he pushed her up against the wall of the stall. Before he even managed to choose between hard and fast or slow and sensual his body had decided for him. Automatically, he started to thrust his member in and out of her at a semi fast pace, filling her tight pussy again and again. She felt his throbbing member stretch her every time it went inside her. Despite the fact that it was a bit painful, it was a type of pain that she thoroughly enjoyed. Feeling it slide in again and again made her body quake each time he felt his pelvic bone slam against her clit.
Midway through the act, Edmund pushed all the way in, as if he was about to cum. She held her breath and waited for the feeling of his cum to fill up her pussy, but instead he started grinding against her. Feeling his pubes rub against her clit was an unexpected yet incredible sensation. She slammed her head back, ignoring the pain of it hitting the wall and moaned out loudly. Shivers went through her as what felt almost like a mini orgasm shot through her body, sending a tingling sensation all the way down to her toes. Her hand went up to his head, gripping his hair and holding on as the other hand went down to his ass, feeling his ass cheeks as he kept grinding against her.
Just as she was about to orgasm, feeling the large sensation building up inside her body, Edmund stopped grinding and started thrusting instead, this time moving faster. The change of pleasure stopped her orgasm as if it was some sort of orgasm denial, but although all sense told her to complain about it, she couldn’t. The feeling was way too immense to complain about anything as she felt wave after wave of pleasure being sent through her body.
Gripping her hip, Edmund made sure she was still, not allowing her to thrust back as he kept pounding her pussy. He felt the tight pussy he was screwing squeeze his cock, as if it was trying to milk it already, like it wanted to make him cum more than he did. Slowly he could feel the pressure building up as he kept sliding in and out, feeling the slickness of her pussy all over his cock and groin as their rhythm made the wall slam again and again.
With an almost inaudible moan, he finally pushed all the way in, releasing his cum inside her and feeling his cock shoot it out on its own accord. She could feel the warm stickiness smear her insides, the sensation of the hot cum covering her walls made her orgasm herself. With an almost scream, she answered his stream of cum with a stream of her own, large amounts of cum flowing out from her pussy and all over his cock and groin. Edmund shivered as he felt the warm juice properly cover him, holding his cock inside her. Her orgasmic spasms caused her to milk the last couple of drops of cum from his cock as her chest heaved, her breasts almost bouncing from her heavy and rapid breathing.
Smiling, Edmund slowly pulled out, grabbing a bit of paper to wipe clean his soaked and half hard member. Normally he’d ask the girl to clean him with her mouth, it was after all far more erotic and made for better fantasies later on, but in her current state she was struggling to stay on her feet. He grabbed a bit of paper and wiped himself clean before tossing it in the toilet. Smiling, he looked up at her and reached for his back pocket. Her hair was a giant mess after the wild fuck and she barely managed to pull her top up to cover her breasts.
“So, 100 pounds was it?” Edmund asked as he reached into his wallet and found five 20’s. He tucked them firmly down her top, the bills brushing against her still rather hard nipple. She only nodded as a thank you. “Thank you, Candice, for being a good sport and proper prostitute as well as being reasonably priced.”
“You’re welcome.” Without any other gestures he walked out of the restroom and over to his two companions who were still in a bit of shock after what they had just seen. The proof was all over Edmund’s face, and gently he sat down and smiled at Pervy.
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with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.
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