I was in college. It was a state college, with everything that came with it: wild parties, sororities and fraternities, and random people who were assigned to be your roommates. It was also summer. I stayed on during the summer to take summer classes for a very silly and sad reason.

I wanted to have access to the internet.

I didn’t have it back home, you see, and going home for the summer meant a lot of boredom and restlessness. Also, the financial situation was wonky, so I didn’t know if I left if I’d be able to afford to return. This wasn’t high school, that was a very rude awakening I was still adapting to. Still, I reveled in having my own space with no parents, and no siblings. I felt like how I imagine adults felt upon attaining adulthood.

Free.

I could stay up as late as I wanted. I could eat whatever I wanted at the dorm cafeteria. I could look up whatever I wanted on the internet.

This was when I learned there was a whole community for people like me. People who thought pee was erotic somehow, I thought I was a freak before, I thought there was something wrong with me. But no, I was just kinky. Quickly there was a small glossary of terms forming in my head of search terms I’d type in certain search engines of certain sites that I discovered in a Myspace chatroom.

Those free adult streaming sites, that had naked people doing real sex, and even wetting themselves or getting caught on camera peeing in non-toilet places. It all felt so sensational and shocking back then. That these private things were made so public, and available to watch this way.

Search terms like - Watersports, Golden Showers, Omorashi … etc. I was mesmerized, validated, and turned on all at once, finding this ‘hidden world’ where I fit in. And this is how I spent my nights. On the internet looking for content of this variety. This was the sad reason I stayed on campus during the summer, taking one or two classes just so I could have access to the internet, eat what I wanted, and have my own space without my parents.

I wasn’t a party type. I had been to a few of course, but I wasn’t really into the wild energy of people drinking and dancing and hooking up with strangers, and loud music that I may or may not have liked, anyway.

But my roommate at the time was. And she’d often stumble back to the dorm drunk and crash on her bed. She had a bunk bed with a desk under it, I had a single bed with a desk next to it. And my closet was right next to my desk, and hers was across from mine right next to the suite bathroom.

And one night, I was lying on my tummy, scrolling the internet like always. When she stumbled back to the dorm, I didn’t think anything of it, til she started opening my closet, and struggling to pull down her pants. I quickly took my headphones off and asked her what she was doing.

She mumbled in a drunk and sleepy voice that she was going to the bathroom. I panicked. “No, that’s not the bathroom.” I tried to explain, but she insisted that it was. I informed her, that was my closet and got up from bed, and redirected her to where the actual bathroom was. And then closed my closet door and got back in bed.

It seems ironic that as much as I like watersports, as much as I find them hot, that I cockblocked myself from having a live show of someone doing exactly what I watch on the screen all day. But those were my clothes.

Laundry is expensive. I didn't have any quarters or any kind of work-study job, it was too far to commute home to my parents to do laundry, even if I knew how to drive and had a car, so I couldn’t afford to have my drunk roommate’s sorority girl piss all over them. As much as part of me wanted to watch her.

My adult reasoning overrode my libido. To this day I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten to watch her, if I hadn't stopped her and let her sit on top of my hamper and pee on my dirty clothes, they were dirty anyway, what harm would it have done?

I can barely remember what she looked like beyond blonde hair. And for the life of me, I cannot remember her name. But then again, did I know the names of any of the people on the screen who pee themselves and pee in non-toilet places, that I watch night after night, and get all excited and flooded with happy chemicals?

No.